Would you let your kids go on this holiday?

[4littleones]

It's obviously a very long story but I'm going to try and stick to the facts so it doesn't get long and boring to read.

my 2 oldest children are 5 and 6 and I am not with their Dad. we split soon after they were born (becasue he was useless and didn't help at all, didnt work etc and I woke up to what a looser he was). And I raised them pretty much alone with him visiting occasionally when he could be bothered.
The past year or so he had been having them twice a month for a day. He then wanted to take them on holiday this summer holidays. I agreed, being pleased he was finally making the effort. his family are also going, so my kids would be with their cousins so I figgured they would have a great time. now im regretting it massively.
so much is now indicating that I can't trust him. some examples being:

• he has been caught out using incorrect or no car seats on several occasions. I told him previously that if he did it again he would need to go to court to see them.

since then he did it again last weekend. he then denied all knownlegdge and said the kids were lying. till I asked him to come round and sort it out with him and the kids there so we could work out what really happened. then suddenly he "remembered"

• he asked to have them overnight which I thought was odd at the time as he has always refused in the past. they didn't go as I had plans anyway but it turned out they would actually have been sleeping at his new girlfriends flat. not a massive problem on its own but I am pissed off that he was just going to lie and let me think they were at his mum's house (where he currently lives).
• he has lied about the holiday and it turns out to be his girlfriend and her child they will be sharing a caravan with, not his family. again I have nothing against this girl, but I don't do lies. and I didn't even know she existed till about 2 weeks ago.
• I can't believe anything he says as everything turns out to be lies.
• he doesn't seem to be a responsible adult. I don't feel that I can trust him to keep my precious girls safe all week. he has never taken them swimming etc which they will be doing.
• he has a (very minor)car accident with the kids in the car a few weeks ago. he kept this from me and I found out a few weeks later when the kids told me. what if they had wiplash/injuries that hadn't shown immediately? I would of ignored complaints of back/neck aches (daughter is one who moans everything hurts). I should of been informed so I could keep an eye on them.

I don't know what to do. They will be devistated if they dont go. and I will be the bad one. But what if something happens?! what if he doesn't supervise properly? what if he is lying about other stuff?

I have also had messages from who was his close friend until recently. they had been close since they were children. but have fallen out over the new girlfriend (to the point that police are involved.) and he has been messaging to warn me that she is a nasty piece of work.
He does seem to have a history with her though so not sure how reliable the information is.

I've sat in tears over this most nights lately. I don't know what to do. It seems like a total mess.

[4littleones]

Well I told the girls they may not be going and suprisingly they werent that bothered. DD2 wants to go to the zoo and DD1 wants to go swimming or bowling. I also said that we will take them to cbeebies land and possibly stay overnight (its not local) but that would probably need to wait till the next set of holidays. They were certainly happy with that.

DD2 doesnt really have a bond with her Dad and thinks of my partner as her second parent. She was a baby when we got together and I think he makes her feel safe. if he works late she gets upset that she misses him. before last weekend it had been a month since they had last seen their Dad and neither of them had mentioned him once.
DD1 however is more attached. saying that she gets attached to absolutely everything, down to the wrappers on her sweets that she doesn't like binning or the huge amounts of crafts that she insists on keeping.

I still feel bad though. and I feel a total nervous wreak that he may turn up and kick off. I will call the police if he kicks off and refuses to leave but I don't want the kids to see. if my partner is home it will be okay as he is much better at dealing with things. And also my ex probably wouldn't do anything if DP were here.

[4littleones]

Believe me lightening that comes up regularly as he does it with everything. However I did actually agree with this at the time of booking, which I regret. However at the time I thought he had grown up a bit but clearly he hasn't.

I was starting to come round to the idea of them going but he has now informed me they only have one caravan - and there will be 11 of them Checked their website (now I FINALLY have the name of the site they will be going to) and the biggest caravan sleeps 8. I had assumed they would have 2 next to each other at least.

They seem to think they will get 3 people in the bedrooms - I have stayed in vans like that and you can just about get 2 let alone 3! But maybe I am biased. But seems like the kids will be on the floor

[lighteningmcmama]

One point that hasn't been raised yet, that I think you should raise with him, is why did the kids find out about the holiday before you ok'ed it? it is your decisionif they go, he should know that, he should know you may say no, and he should know they will get upset if they can't go. So why did they ever know about the holiday before it was agreed?

[OorWullie]

I wouldn't let them go. Based on the car seat thing alone he isn't looking after their safety and well being properly, and after he has been pulled up about it has continued to compromise their safey.

I can understand that you don't want to disappoint them and take away their holiday with their Dad though. For their sake, is it possible for you and your partner to take
them to the same place or somewhere nearby for a holiday, and they can still do some activities with their Dad and extended family, whilst you can put your mind at ease that you are close by?

[4littleones]

and I wasn't actually moaning about the girlfriend. I am pissed that he has lied continuously about it when he could of just spoken to me like an adult.

[4littleones]

we is me and my partner yes. we live together and have 2 children together. its a bit different to his girlfriend who is has been seeing for 4 weeks.

ive never said they can't see him. But he puts them at risk regularly by not using correct car seats when he cant be bothered.

[LastTango]

we are considering not letting them go

Who is 'we'? If it is your new partners then you are a bit off having a moan about your Ex's girlfriend!

Your DCs have a right to see their father with the minor problems addressed properly.

[InSummer]

• say no

[InSummer]

You have definately done the right thing, even just half of the things he has done would make me so no.

I would say to the DC that you're really sorry, but sometimes things don't go to plan and what would they like to do instead?

I don't doubt your ex loves his children, but sounds like he's showing more of an interest because this new lady has a child herself.

[NigellasDealer]

oh right sorry - try and tell them as little as poss and distract them from it somehow? hard I know

[4littleones]

I have told him. im saying I don't know what to tell the girls.

[NigellasDealer]

tell him there have been too many lies

[4littleones]

I don't think I am going to let them go. But I do need to give them a reason. I have told their Dad and he has offered to send loads of photos of them so I am reassured. but I don't think it really changes much? As the whole point is that he can't be trusted. He said he will take a picture everytime they are in the car etc. but he obviously wouldn't take a photo if he was doing something wrong so it doesnt really help.

I do feel like I'm taking away what would probably be a week of happy memories and bonding time. And what would fill a whole week of the summer holidays with good times.

[4littleones]

they are going to ask why though. This is the bit I'm not sure on..what do I tell them?

[ExcuseTypos]

I agree with what Coconutty suggests.

[catnipkitty]

No. I wouldn't let them go, they are still very young. Maybe in a few years when they can make their own decision given all the facts. Parents sometimes have to be 'the bad guy' so if they're upset with you they'll get over it.

[ilovepowerhoop]

that is true I suppose

www.childcarseats.org.uk/the-law/cars-taxis-private-hire-vehicles-vans-and-goods-vehicles/#over-three

[Hurr1cane]

I wouldn't. No way

[4littleones]

powerhoop- I mean like last week. he put my 5 year old in a car seat, his girlfriends son in the other car seat and my 6 year old in the middle. I flew off the handle about it being illegal and unsafe. But it turns out that because a third seat won't fit in, its legal

[ilovepowerhoop]

the only way they can legally travel without a car seat is if they had reached the height of 135cm or were travelling in a taxi. What other loopholes are you talking about

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Another No here and I'm usually pretty relaxed.

If they were older they could sort themselves out but at that age they will rely totally on him to get them fed/transported/put to bed etc.
Twice a month and no over nights is pathetic, I see my friends dog more than that. he won't have a clue as to how to deal with them fir a holiday 24/7.

[4littleones]

Thanks for all the replies.

They are not under 5, they are 5 and 6 and it actually turned out that by law there are many loopholes that allow him to do this legally.

what do I tell them?! My 5 year old isn't bothered about him and I think if he dissappeared then she wouldn't be bothered. she has a really strong bond with my partner. my 6 year old on the other hand seems to think he is the greatest man alive.

[oohdaddypig]

Nope. I wouldn't let them go. He is inept, lies to hide his ineptness and there are indications his girlfriend is unpleasant.

[whereisshe]

There is no way I would let anyone look after my kids if they hadn't used a car seat for under 5s. That's just beyond stupid. And he's had a car crash as well. It doesn't matter if the person in question shares genes with them or not, there has to be a line. As a result I wouldn't let them go on the holiday, unless I was there too.

Your instincts are telling you what to do. If he wants to holiday with the kids he needs to prove he has a clue how to be a father first.