New baby and almost 3 year old DD- what have I done?

[BazilGin]

Today is my second day at home with 2 week old DS and my almost 3 year old DD. As awful as it sounds, all I keep thinking is "what have I done". I had such a wonderful relationship with DD, now it feels like it's gone and she hates me. I tandem nurse, but she asks for milk constantly now and I question my own nursing choices.
DS is a fairly low maintenance baby, but just got a nappy rash as he constantly trickles poo. I must have changed him 8 times within 3 hour period.
I am a bit of a mess, just can't see it ever being fun or even manageable. I feel like a crap mum, not giving enough attention to either of them. My lovely mil took DD out today and I can't stop crying.
How does anyone get anything done or even gets out with 2? We attempted park yesterday, as soon as DD wanted to be pushed on the swing, DS started crying. She then escaped me and I had to chase her with newborn still latched on to me, it was a disaster.
I think I just wanted to rant a bit, feels better to get it off my chest.

[mycatlikestwiglets]

Just another handhold here BazilGin and some reassurance that it's totally normal to feel as though you've ruined DC1's life by having DC2! It gets easier so quickly though - once your DD realises your DS is here to stay her behaviour will gradually improve, just keep reassuring her that you love her and try to give her some attention when the baby is sleeping. I'd also suggest you try as much as possible to involve her with your DS and play up her big sister role so she feels important; that may help if she's feeling left out given your attention on the new baby.

I was there just a few months ago but my DD is now 8mo and my DS (3.5) absolutely adores her (and she him). The sound of them laughing at each other really makes up for all the anxiety of the first few weeks.

[BazilGin]

thanks Misty, perhaps I am expecting too much too soon. Her behaviour is always worse after DS bouts of gassy crying. I don't blame her, even I get stressed when baby cries for hours and I alternate between rocking/holding and feeding him.
I got myself a close caboo carrier so I need to embrace it too and hope babywearing will help us.
Mycat thank you for handholding. Yes, it totally feels as if I ruined her life. I don't want to wish DS's babyhood away, but I am also not a baby person. I can't wait for a glimmer of hope that it will get better.

[lemonfolly]

Wow I just found this thread and it's me in the same boat too feeling the same but a bit further along. DD has just turned 2 and DS is 9 weeks. It's pure hell on some days but getting easier. I have childcare 2 days a week and it's literally my recoup time and one on one time with DS. Might be worth putting in place something regular like this even with family if you can't afford childcare.

My DD has certainly shown some issues of jealously and it's hard to deal with. I remember week 3 crying to my DP that my DD hated me now. It's much better now just a few weeks later. Hang in there, it's gotten better and in sure will only get easier as time goes on

[LittlePink]

My 2 yr old does the same as your DD in terms of hitting, kicking, saying mean things. She tells me "go away mummy" or the new one is "don't touch me mummy" and demands snacks and c beebies the whole time we're at home and hits me if the answers no to anything. Im pregnant with no.2 and I don't think her attitude towards me could get any worse. She seems happy about the new baby but she has become a bit more volatile since we told her thinking about it. I have started giving her a cushion when she goes to strike me and tell her "its ok for you to feel angry. You can hit this cushion but I wont let you hit me". At first with all the go aways and don't touch mes I would pander to it and say "that's not very nice, mummys sad now" but it just made it worse. She seemed to enjoy it so I just completely ignore it now and don't rise to it. They all go through these funny phases and im sure your DD will be back with you very soon once she gets used to the new baby. Its such a huge life changing event for them, they just need some time to process it all and come to terms with it.

[BazilGin]

Thank you, my DH said yesterday that she was not an angel before DS was born so part of it could also be her developmental phase...
lemonfolly my Mil takes DD out for a day a week and my DH does too on a weekend. But I worry that she will start thinking I want to get rid of her...gosh, I think I am overthinking this? Just wish it was all easier, sometimes I wonder why my babyblues is still lingering, I am very tearful.
DD starts preschool in september, so I hope it will give us both some more structure to our weeks and also brings some fun into her life.

Littlepink, hitting is hard isn't it! Especially that I don't know where she could pick it up from? My DD says sorry, but then does it again when I tell her no.

[mycatlikestwiglets]

Think of it as your DD getting full on attention rather than being got rid of BazilGin - it's important for her to be the focus sometimes even if that can't be from you. I've continued sending my DS to nursery 3 days per week since I started maternity leave as I wanted to keep his routine and make sure he has some baby-free time. It hasn't been an issue for him as he's old enough to understand that "the baby is only little so needs mummy" and he loves the fact that he's a "big boy" who goes to nursery. He's excited about her going to nursery when I go back to work though!

I'd also reassure you that your DD is likely to grow up a lot over the next few months. I look at my DS now and can hardly believe how independent he's become (he still loves cuddles though )

[buffythebarbieslayer]

Hi Bazilgin. I've been through this twice, as just had dc3!

Ds was 3.2 when middle dd came along and I remember feeling as you do. All the tips on here are great and I can reassure you it gets easier. You are still in early days but before you know it, you won't be able to imagine life before two. In the meantime take it a day at a time and be kind to yourself. You are a good mum, the fact that you worry about dd as you do.

I now have a 10 week old and older two are 8 and 5. You know what it took me by surprise as I went through similar emotions again with my 5 year old. She'd been my baby and only daughter. But already it's feeling more normal.

It's natural

[Misty9]

Is your health visitor being supportive gin ? I too was tearful for a good few weeks and depression was queried, but I feel a lot better lately and think I just struggled to adjust.

After saying our lovely boy is back, he's reverted to a phase of ignoring me and only wanting daddy to do everything. I'm finding it a bit tough, though part of me is relieved not to have to deal with him all the time.

I'd cut yourself some slack as it really is still such early days for you all. Survival is the name of the game at that stage!

Hope your weekend is a bit less stressful with your partner around (if he is?) :)

[BazilGin]

This thread truly is a lifesaver. I had a breakthrough yesterday, started using the carrier and DS had a very long nap in it, yay!
Today I managed to take DD out for ice cream and DH stayed with the baby, so we had some one to one time. I am dreading the week, because I haven't got anything planned, apart from Wednesday. I am also exhausted from broken nights, DS is very unpredictable, wakes up every 2-3 hours and sometimes takes an hour to settle...
misty, I haven't got much of a relationship with my hv, she is coming around 6 week mark so if I still feel tearful, I may talk to her. I always feel more positive with DH around, although I did have a little cry when DD and DH went out together yesterday.
On a very positive note, I have noticed how loving DD has become towards DS. She plays with him in his baby gym and is genuinely interested in him. There is hope...

[Rainbowdeep]

Hi Bazil,

I've got a 2 week old DS and a 3 year old DD so I sympathise!

Have you tried the breastfeeding position with the close caboo? I've just started using it and have found it really useful just to have hands free during some of the endless feeding! I found this clip on youtube m.youtube.com/watch?v=uitYS6tOb1s
which shows you how to do it.
I am hoping that it will all get a bit easier soon!

[toomanywheeliebins]

Poor you. I have 2 years 3 months between my two girls. My eldest loved my youngest on sight but rejected me entirely. It was miserable. On one particularly bad day my eldest sat on the stairs from about 3pm screaming for her daddy until he got home at 6pm. It was a dark dark time. It slowly got better - enforced 121 time on a holiday really helped. Girls are 3 years 9 months and 18 months and it is glorious - hard work- but glorious. It's grim and you will grieve the relationship you have lost but when you see them kiss each other and giggle all day your heart will melt

[Happy36]

It will get better and it sounds as though you are doing a great job already. As others have said it can help to get out of the house and will keep your older daughter entertained as you chat to her about whatever you see and hear even if you´re just walking around the block. She is probably just wanting a bit more stimulation.

Also as soon as you can try to establish a routine as both children will like that.

[Misty9]

How are things today gin ? We're on holiday at the moment, well as much of holiday as is possible with two under 3 and my husband working... I'm knackered and have found two full days with both kids exhausting. its not helped by dd turning into the incredible non napping baby who constantly feeds! But it's still much better than those early weeks, if that gives you hope

[PastaBow]

I have a 2.7 year old and a 4 month old. They are adorable together now.

The midwife who delivered DS said to involve DD in everything and I've stuck to this. I've taught her to count wipes, find his clean clothes in his drawers, rock his car seat etc. In fact it is often DD who stops him crying!

I am only breastfeeding DS mind so don't have tandem nursing challenging me. I try to feed the baby before we go out to minimise the amount of nursing out the house I need to do.

Like you I got it in the neck when DS was born. DD liked him and her Dad but not me. I had some advice on here that this is how they reflect wanting 1:1 time with you so it's great you went for ice cream with her.

Do you have a bouncy chair? I put DS in his on the floor of the kitchen every afternoon whilst DD and I bake or do some craft so she still feels as though she gets my full attention at one point in the day.

I tend to feed the baby at the table so that's a couple of times a day where he can be fed and I can chat to her rather than it always being TV and iPad. I can't pretend that there isn't a lot of TV for the other feeds though!

On the bad days I think of my own parents who are both only children and how awful it was when they lost their parents and went through it alone. I take comfort from the fact DD and DS will have each other and that means so much more than watching a bit too much TV for a few months.

[jumpinghoops]

Gosh, I remember this so well. My lovely DD was 2.10 when I had her little brother. My low point from the first week on my own was balancing her on a public toilet to do a poo with one arm while breastfeeding her screaming brother in the other!

My daughter also seemed mostly furious in the early days, kicking me when I tried to feed him and even trying to hit him away from me. As above, really getting out and getting on with it helped, even if that was just half an hour in the park. I found a couple of groups where the leaders would reliably help me out by holding the baby for a bit so I could play/paint etc. with my daughter. She also then had some time at nursery which helped us get into more of a routine and gave me much needed breathing space- is your daughter coming up to getting her 15 hr entitlement?

My two are now 4.1 and 15 months and really love spending time together (mostly). To see the delight on their faces when they've spent some time apart and then see each other again makes my heart sing. Your lovely daughter is still there and will be fine after this period of adjustment. Hang in there- it is really tough and it does get much,much better.

[BazilGin]

Hiya, I have been reading your posts but didn't get a chance to reply,it's been crazy with the two of them. I have been less tearful last week and managed to get out quite a lot. God bless my Mil, she has been really helpful too. I have very mixed emotions, generally I am proudof myself for going to playgroups/park with them, st the same time I can't pluck up courage to go anywhere further or for a day out to a farm park with both and mil. ( Mil's suggestion) Today DH and I had to abandon cafe trip with kids cos DS was having a screamfest.
The unpredictability of ds and his short naps are exhausting. DD seems a bit better at the moment.