WWYD nephew calling DH "dad"

[PirateJones]

My nephew is 6, he has lived with me and DH for 2 years, in that time he normally calls us by our first names, recently, the last 2 weeks he has called my husband “DAD”. We occasionally talk about his mother and his past (who he hasn’t seen in 2 years) when he wants to, just so he knows who she is.
But he can’t remember his dad, who has been out of his life almost since the day he was born, so I can’t get photos out and show him, i can't tell him anything about him, so there no presents at all in his life.

I’m not sure DH is comfortable with it, we have never set out to replace his mum and dad, just to be his fmaily IYSWIM.
We have both just ignored it when its happened, What would you do in this situation?

[Piratejones]

I have an update, the novelty seems to have warn off and my nephew now switches between dad and my DH's name. I think maybe I was worrying and way over thinking the whole thing.

[VikingLady]

[horsetowater]

That's great news. Hopefully one day he will be at peace with it all.

[3boys3dogshelp]

That's lovely news.

[HerrenaHarridan]

Great! Definitely the right decision IMO

[TheOneWithTheNicestSmile]

That's lovely news

Thanks for the update, PJ

[QOD]

That's lovely, I bet he wants to fit in and you two are his parents, maybe not biologically, but you are.
I remember when my mum remarried and had a different surname to me that I hated it when my friends called her Mrs B instead of her new name, I hated that our names were different, I just wanted to have the same a everyone else. So I changed my surname. Pretty much what your dn has done.
If his mum comes back, she's still his mum, but in the meantime, he just wants to have a family like everyone else I bet.

Bless

[eddielizzard]

fantastic!

looking at it from the child's point of view, he desperately wants a mum and dad and if he feels comfortable calling your dh dad then i think that's wonderful.

as long as he knows about his real parents too i don't see the issue.

i think it's really important that you tell him you love him so much and you will always be there for him no matter what happens.

if his mum does come back one day he will be secure in the knowledge that he has you. poor kid, but so lucky to have you.

[PurpleWithaMysteryBun]

What a great way of meeting his needs. I commend you :)

[PirateJones]

Just thought I’d update and let people know we settled on “dad”.

[PirateJones]

If he calls your DH Dad, is it likely to lead to him calling you Mum? Would that be an issue?

as pleasing and proud as that would make me, I wouldn't want him to. I know he loves me I know i'm the one raising him, i love him like a son but i don't want to be his mother, I want to keep it seprate.

Maybe i'm just holding onto the hope she will decide to be part of his life one day, i don't know.

You could write a letter to his parents (or even let him write one) saying why you are doing this. It sounds like a perfectly reasonable thing to do and will make everyone's life simpler.

We have no idea where she is.


If your DH isn't happy with it, can you pick a compromise name? Such as Pops, for example.
I think this is what we are going to have to do.

[horsetowater]

If you have parental responsibility then the only question, as you have said is whether his parents come back into his life.

If it's unlikely that they will be back I think you should let him call you Mum and Dad as it's his life that's affected. As others have said, it's up to him. If his real Mum and Dad come back he can call them by their first names. You could start calling them by their first names too this will make it clear to people around you as well. You could write a letter to his parents (or even let him write one) saying why you are doing this. It sounds like a perfectly reasonable thing to do and will make everyone's life simpler.

It's more than a name, it's hugely significant and will alter the way people see your relationship, but it might be a blessing for everyone if you do this and it may help his birth parents accept that he has moved on.

[VikingLady]

If he calls your DH Dad, is it likely to lead to him calling you Mum? Would that be an issue?

If your DH isn't happy with it, can you pick a compromise name? Such as Pops, for example.

[PirateJones]

Blood is thicker than water but love is thicker than blood.

Thanks guys.

Does he ever ask about his mum and dad?
Yes but as he's getting older his questions are getting more heartbreakingly awkward, like "Why doesn't mummy love me". That's part of the reason why i signed up to the site, I'm not sure how to handle these things. I just try to be as honest as i can be.

I've told him his mum does love you, but some people do things and feel they can't cope and they think that their children will have a better life in someone else’s care. And we look at old photos and things.
But never knew his dad, so i can't do the same thing for him.

[hollyisalovelyname]

Blood is thicker than water but love is thicker than blood.
Read this somewhere. Probably on Mumsnet.
I think it's lovely he calls your dh 'dad'.
That's what he is to him. Not the s *t who isn't there for him.

[theeternalstudent]

In my experience it's so important to talk these things through with your DN and with your husband in an age appropriate way.

Acknowledge facts and tell him that it's OK.
Does he know that he will be living with you permanently?
Does he ever ask about his mum and dad?
He may just be wondering about all these things.

My DD has no contact with her father. I talk to her about it regularly. I'm not quite sure she understands everything but as she gets older she will have all the information that she needs to put it together herself. From what I've read it's worst when there is a revelation of a secret that comes as a shock to children. Better a little bit of information often.

Good luck OP. Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job

[wheresthelight]

I would speak to dh and see how he feels, he may just be unsure how to handle it and doesn't want to say the wrong thing in front of your nephew.

If it is what your nephew feels comfortable calling you then let him imo. As you say he is 6 so old enough to understand the truth and to make his own choices.

You sound like amazing people and he clearly feels like he wants to be your son rather than nephew

[TheOneWithTheNicestSmile]

Best idea IMO, PJ

Hope your DH will come round to see it as a compliment & be happy with it

You are obviously lovely parents

[PirateJones]

I think we are all going to have to have a talk and let him decide for himself.

[Timeforabiscuit]

I completely get your trepidation , but this is a huge compliment, its almost more awkward trying to explain the family dynamics which got you here than being honest and saying that your dh is more of a dad than an uncle.

As long as your nephew knows his history, then I can't see the problem in letting him call you what he is comfortable with - grown ups over complicate things

[HerrenaHarridan]

Ultimately it is your and dhs decision but personally I would say take his lead.

[EverybodysStressyEyed]

Just because someone married your mum doesn't make him your dad.

Your dh is fulfilling the role of father. If your nephew ever meets his biological father that is all he is - your dh has been his father

I would see it as a compliment. Your dh has earnt a very special title!

[PirateJones]

But is it any different from a step parent.
Well someone marrying your mum would be your dad, DH is already his uncle and that's how it's been known for 6 years.

it's up to your husband to be ok with it though.

Yes he will have to sort something out.

[callamia]

He's six now. He knows you're not actually his mum and dad by birth, so if his birth mother and father ever return to his life, then he will know about their existence. I think he'd be able to manage. You're always going be open about his birth parents, so I see no harm in him choosing to call your husband dad now. Of course, it's up to your husband to be ok with it though. I still don't think if correct him.

[Foxsticks]

But is it any different from a step parent. My dad married my mum when my older sisters were 4 and 6 and they both call him dad. They have a biological father somewhere but he isn't a dad to them, our dad is the only one they have ever known. I'm not sure if that's a clumsy comparison and apologies if it is. I think small children have a real need to fit in and feel like other small children, and having a mum and/or dad is important to them.