My DD and I have nothing in common, and it is starting to become a problem

[MrsNouveauRichards]

DD is my first dc, she is 6yrs old. I also have a 3yr old DS.

DD has always been a bit 'other worldy' she is very bright, finds school a doddle, but enjoys it hugely. Think Luna Lovegood :o

She has been a dream of a child, never any sleeping, eating, behaviour issues (none lasting anyway)

The problem is that we have absolutely nothing in common. She likes computer games, pokemon (and all the facts, evolutions etc) and becomes a bit obsessed with things. I try to get involved a bit, but she only wants to talk about pokemon, read about pokemon, tell me about the computer game with pokemon etc. When I try to read her a bedtime story, she asks me to only read one page as she is genuinely not interested.

I try to take her out for individual treats and things, but I get the feeling she just doesn't want to spend time with me. She is starting to lose some friends too as she is so obsessed.

There have been other obsessions in the past, but with her being younger it didn't bother me.

[BanjoPlayingTiger]

Reading the thread I had a thought. What would you be doing to build the relationship if your dd was a boy with a pokemon obsession? Perhaps try doing those things with your dd.
As a child I was a bit when my mum had tried to do the things with me that you have tried to do with your dd. I did them but was waiting to get back to what I wanted to do. My obsession was reading Famous Five books (no computers back then), and I would sit in the library for hours to read books.
However, if mum had tried to engage by trying to write a new famous five book with me (mum wasn't Enid Blyton, but did enjoy writing) I would probably have enjoyed that a lot more.

Sorry, I have wittered on about me, I think I am trying to say that you need to find the niche of her interests that overlaps with yours. If she loves Pokemon, would she be interested in looking a bit wider at where Pokemon were invented and the wider Japanese culture and language? Would she enjoy trying to write and film her own little pokemon video?
Maybe she would like to create a world for her pokemon to inhabit from old cardboard boxes and paper mache? Would she like to make a small latch hook picture of a pokemon egg thingy for her bedroom wall?

Let her embrace the geekiness - it's generally where the nicest people hang out.

[MrsNouveauRichards]

I have absolutely no problem with geekiness (i married her father after all!) My problem is her doing one thing to the exclusion of all others. I would still find it difficult if she was obsessed with something I liked doing, yes we would have something in common, but I think the thing I find difficult is the single track mind iyswim?

The computer for example, I would let her play on it while I did the horses at the yard, so an hour or so on Saturday and Sunday. The problem would be that every waking second she would be talking about the DS, how many minutes could she play on it, how long til she could play on it etc... I would suggest other things to do which she didn't want to do. We would have an outing planned - seeing her friends, swimming, a party whatever, and she would say "I can't wait til Saturday" and I would say "Oh, are you excited about ....." "Yes, but I can play on the DS too"

Now pokemon has taken over from the DS obsession. I find it hard to join in with the obsession because it is at the exclusion of everything else, and I don't think it is healthy.

So, because I am trying to do what I think is best for her, trying to get her to have a more well rounded childhood,I feel ddistant from her.

Does that make more sense? It is not that I am trying to change her to be more 'girly' or whatever, actually in her own way, she really is, but because I want her to have a more balanced childhood.

[BanjoPlayingTiger]

That does make sense, yes. I perhaps read more into your earlier posts than was there probably due to my parents obsession with me needing to do girly things and be more "normal", sorry!

[MrsNouveauRichards]

No apology needed! It is very hard to get across the whole story on t'internet, so I probably came across as wanting some fictional child instead of the quirky little girl I already have :o

[tricot39]

It must be really hard going - you sound like a good mum trying to do her best. Keep going.

[MrsNouveauRichards]

Thanks, it really helps to get some outside perspective.

[horsetowater]

I know exactly how you feel, but your OP is very misleading, sounds like you want to take her back to the shop and get a new one!

My dd was like this and I wasn't strong enough to deal with it partly because dp kept undermining me. The obsession led from one thing to the next, she is now 15 and quite isolated socially.

I would do what you can while you are still in charge, but understand that you have an addict for a child and treat it as such. One way is to let her use it at weekends only, that way she has time to forget about it. This is hard but you can do something about it now.

[bronya]

Have you tried leaving her to do her thing, and being there for her when she wants to interact? I was a bit like her, but my obsession was books and stories. I really enjoyed retreating into my make-believe world, and got quite annoyed when my mum wanted to do other things. However, after a few hours of reading I'd often wander downstairs for a drink or a piece of fruit, and chat to my mum as she did her chores. Sometimes that chat would lead to us baking something, or we'd take the dog for a walk, or go into town shopping.

[Taffeta]

I empathise. My DD (7) is nothing like me either. My DS (10), OTOH, I just "get".

DD is happiest left alone most of the time, with someone else in the room, but playing with her dolls and chatting away to them, or prancing and in front of reflective glass doors. We have tried many extra curricular things - horse riding, French, ballet, tap, gym, netball, multi sports, piano, recorder, guitar, choir, singing lessons - most she is not interested in. She loves Brownies though (which I hated).

I don't really understand her, but am getting to know her. Shes very much her own person and for that I am in many ways enormously grateful. My role as parent I guess is to stand back and let her be. Give her opportunities, yes, but not expect those to be the ones I wanted when I was a child.

[MrsNouveauRichards]

I appreciate the op may come across a bit misleading, but I am fully aware it is something I have to change. I just wanted to highlight the areas that I find difficult.

It probably didn't help that I posted after another 'niggle' in this case, trying to do something nice and perfectly straightforward as reading her a bedtime story. I shouldn't allow myself to take it personally, but I do it hurts.

As I said, we have never had a mother/daughter bond, we have just bumbled along companionably, which was fine, but it hasn't really improved, and the attempts I make seem to get thrown back in my face.

A good example is in the summer, she had this doll that she like to take everywhere. This doll was bigger and slightly more normal looking than Barbie, so there were no clothes to buy to fit. I offered to make a few basic dresses for it. DD loved that idea. So, one afternoon I got down all the fabric scraps, the sewing machine etc, and got DD to choose what fabric she wanted, gave her some decent scissors (which she is never allowed) and showed her how to make a scarf out of fleece. DH was trying to keep DS out of the way for us, so put on an old computer game (i know, we had words) DD promptly said she would rather watch the others play on the computer, and said I could carry on making the clothes by myself.

I know she is small, and I know I shouldn't take it to heart, but it really can be so difficult! I have told her if she doesn't like doing something, she can say she doesn't enjoy it, but you feel as though she is just humouring you most of the time.

[Taffeta]

My DD would have LOVED to make those dolls clothes.

I, OTOH, would rather pull out my own eyeballs.

[MooncupGoddess]

I couldn't see the point of being read to after I could read fluently at six or so... I suspect my mother was hurt too.

Is she competitive? What about board and other sorts of games?

[MrsNouveauRichards]

Yes, we do play a lot of board games, easy ones so the 3 year old can join in too.

I did ban computers for about a month after that!

[Mirandasbestmate]

My 10y old son is the same regarding pokemon- a complete obsessive. We have lived through Star Wars, dinosaurs & Lego ninjago obsessions too. I manage it by limiting his time on his DS playing pokemon to weekends , and am also trying to find other related things he can do - he is very interested now in the history of japan, and is enjoying drawing pokemon. I have to say that I don't let him talk to me about it as he does just go on & on, and am trying to get him to see that he will bore other people to tears if he goes on. I'm hoping that this too is just a phase & that sooner or later he will grow out of it .... No doubt it will be replace by something else! Good luck x

[chenin]

OP you could be writing about my DD, I perfectly understand what you are saying. Mine was so self contained and insular at that age and she just didn't seem to need me like my other DC and I wanted her to! I felt I was always trying to engage her.

She got obsessed by pokemon too (and other things) and it ruled her life and she hated dolls. She read fluently at a young age and preferred reading to herself.

However, she is now in her twenties and what a delight she is. She never followed the crowd, she just didn't care, she ploughed her own furrow and has been very successful through Uni and now a career. She is different, quirky, quietly self assured and determined to do things her way. She is popular because she has a clever sharp humour and she has never really cared what others think of her and I am wondering if that is like your DD? If so, that is a wonderful attribute to have. I think you might be a bit at odds with her at the moment but as she blossoms and grows I think you will really understand and appreciate her differences so I don't really have any advice except to go with the flow... good luck with it.

[FiscalCliffRocksThisTown]

Imo kids around 6-9 become obsessive over things, it is quite normal. We had a Pokemon obsession for a year, followed by a Moshi monster obsession.

At that age, kids bond a lot with other kids over their shared obsessions.

I could never follow DS2 in his obsessions, just limited his screen time and let him get on with it.

The most obsessive of my DS is also a nit geeky, not that cuddly, a bit aloof even. Does not show emotion, isn't soppy or sentimental.

But I embrace the person he is, and let him be him. Some people are introverts. I have friends who have asked if he is on the autistic spectrum. I don't know, if he is, he would be highly functioning, so what good would a label be.

Let her be, it will probably pass ( DS is a lot less obsessive now). She will enjoy other things more, like reading, if you keep encouraging her, when she us a bit older and can read better.

[MrsNouveauRichards]

Thank you so much! The last few posts are very comforting!

We often joke that she will become a surgeon - always right, precise, no people skills and she is obsessed with hospitals and the body, especially x-rays (DH is a vet, so she sees more than the average child!) I found some old pony books at my grandparents, and I was showing them to her - cute, fluffy foals, gymkana games etc - no interest, pictures of colic surgery? Fascinated! I love this about her, the quirkiness, the self assurance and quiet confidence, just the other side of it is hard to live with at times!

[chenin]

MrsNouveau... I am laughing here because that was soooo much like my DD... unbelievable. Colic surgery was not one of my DD's interests but there was very similar.. I think she went through a stars and space thing for a while and it's all she was interested in at the time (apart from pokemon) - was old out of date books that my DH had that were just beyond me. I think in time the introverted aspect comes out as being comfortable in their own skin and just knowing what interests them.
Funnily enough, we got out some strange letters and stories she wrote when she was little, only a day or two ago and she was laughing like a drain about her obsessions she had but did say to me "Mum, I just loved all that at the time"! (I kept a lot of stuff here!)
Your DD sounds a gem!

[LadyInDisguise]

I have to agree with some posters here saying that your description remi D's me of asperger.
The fact she is losing friends because she is so into her interests do ring bells to me too and I would want to follow that carefully.

On a more practical advice, the last episode you describe would be exactely what I would describe in my house, both with my DC who is NT and with the one who has AS.
Same with interest tbh. My oldest, NT, has a range of quite eclectic interests and not all are if any interest to me (yes to Pokémon and football too). The youngest, AS, is the same, with a more narrow range interest.

The trick is to meet them where their interest is, whilst at the same time, remembering that you are the parent and you can divert/insist they sometimes do something else too. So in our houssee, the dcs read what they want but for beddtime story we have more control on what sort of stories/for how long. Art some point, I found a few books around football (nootreal footballers but a little boy who wanted to be a footallerr etc...) So I could rd as story to him as it would be around his center of interest.

[Saladcreamormayo]

I know this is an old thread but did the relationship between you and your daughter improve as she grew older and the years went on? did you start to have more in common as she matured into a young woman. she must be in her teens now. I'm actually finding I have less in common with my teenage dd as she is getting older and I feel as though we are drifting apart. I suppose it is just part of her growing up and becoming independent and obviously the generational difference that's how I came across this thread. hope things have improved for you and your dd.

[dottiedodah]

Maybe get involved with pokemon go if that's still a thing? Maybe just go with her passion .try not to think of ds as just your child as she may pick up on it. Draw pics of poems characters bake biscuits and so on .if she doesn't want to join the pony club ,don't push it and see if she s interested later on

[Tillysfad]

Honestly I can't know and this is just a hunch but my guess is she has ASD, especially as she's similar to her dad.

This isn't to say there's anything wrong with her preferring her own things. It's an accumulation of several things you said.
She's other worldly.
She's always felt like your little companion.
She doesn't like hugs.
She is rigid and obsessional about her interests.
You seem to feel your best hope of communicating is listening to her talk about her obsessions.
You don't feel you have a point of connection.
She's above average intelligence.

What I would do is have her assessed now, as far as she can be, and read up on parenting a child with ASD. The big thing is, you can relax and accept that she'll intact with you on her own terms. You're not poles apart. She does need you. It's just going to look a bit different to how you imagined it.