All you parents with well behaved children, how do you do it?

[SilveryMoon]

I know it's really hot and that doesn't help, yes we are all having a bad day here today, but in general how to you get your dc's to listen and do what they've been asked to?
My ds's are 4yrs and (nearly) 6yrs and they are so bloody defiant! The older one especially.
Everytime I ask them to do something, I'm met with verses of "no" along with foot stamping and crying. I'm talking basic things like "get dressed" or "get in the bath" "stop running in the shop" etc (obviously worded as a request, not an order like how I've typed it)

What kind of discipline do you use? What kind of praise?
My 2 have star charts, where if they earn 5 stars they can choose a small reward. They get stars for doing what they've been asked to the first time, for being kind for a block period in the day, for helping tidy up etc etc.
They get strikes for less desirable behaviour and if they get 3 strikes they get a time out to think about behaviour.
I really hate shouting but I am finding that I am getting to that point quicker and quicker.

Help!

[AcrylicPlexiglass]

AllS, in my place time out is very rare and only for something unspeakably evil (ie violence!) so staying in the room is non-negotiable. I have no problem holding the door. It's only for a few minutes, maximum. It is the type of parent I want to be, on those very rare occasions! The type of parent who says "nfw are you going to think that behaviour was ok." It has taken me many years to be comfortable with being quite strict and firm when necessary though. My eldest children are 14 (so time out isn't really a strategy I use with them any more) and I was more wishy washy with them as toddlers but have since learned (at their expense!) that some children really, really, really need firmness and rules. Went to a party of 3&4 year olds today and there were several prominent under supervised, badly behaved (kicking, punching, hitting others with objects) children. On the rare occasions their parents noticed they did lots of endless talking and did not once say with proper firm voice "Stop hitting her right now. Or you will have to sit out/go home/proper consequence." I intervened to prevent a very small girl being lamped on the head (for the second time) with a toy gun by one such child. Confiscated toy gun and told him in firm voice that he must not hit. He looked so surprised. But quite relieved too I think. Some children like, need and want some firmness and boundaries.

[SilveryMoon]

Acrylic, that's where I think I need to get to. I am not wishy washy and I want to always look out for their emotional needs but I must really follow through every time and give proper consequences. Sometimes it can be hard coming up with a related consequence though and not doing something for the sake of it you know?

[Zipitydooda]

Don't underestimate the influence of the time of year. My 2 eldest (8 & 5) are currently causing massive issues whenever they are together and dh and I spend the weekend shouting at them but I remember this happening before at the end of a school year. A couple of weeks into the school holidays and they became much more lovely and patient with each other.

My children are really tired out and need a break from the school routine so I am trying to go easy on them, a bit and recognise their tiredness and lack of patience.

[newryan]

People say mine are pretty well-behaved. I think their behaviour is horrendous at times, but I guess that is normal. Individually they are all delightful. Together, not so much. Some of mine are easy going, but I have one in particular who just wants to swim against the tide all the time. I do think I have "trained" them to behave well. We live overseas so I'm alone with them in UK for all the school holidays, and I just couldn't cope with chaos.

Off the top of my head:

123 Magic - killed whining and pestering virtually overnight.

Having a routine - the clock tells them when it's bedtime, and no tv or playing outside until school work is done.

Telling them exactly what I expect in certain situations (e.g. shopping) and what will happen if they don't do it. And stick to it.

Don't feel you always have to keep them happy - it's ok for them to be angry with you or bored. Negative emotions are part of life too!

Make it clear that you have the authority. Sounds obvious, but I had to explain to my 10yo that I can tell him what to do, whereas his friends, for example, cannot. I read a book by Cathy Glass who has fostered lots of children and she advised to always make your dcs hold the door for you, and move out of a chair if you want to sit there!

[SilveryMoon]

Everyone I know tells me how well-behaved and lovely my children are, which is great and they are, whenn we are out of the house or if they are in other people's care. It's home with me that they are little shits!
newryan What sort of consequences are there for them not doing what you've told them?

[newryan]

Depends silverymoon. At the moment it's holidays so they are getting pocket money which is incrementally removed if necessary! But to be honest they hardly ever reach "3" anymore as they know what will happen. During term-time they get some tv or computer time after homework and dinner but this can be lost too. If they aren't in bed on time they go earlier the next night. I do have moments when I could lose it and shout, of course, but overall it seems to work well. For example, if there is fighting in the car or at the dinner table I can say "that's 1" which stops me nagging and shouting and (in theory) stops the fight escalating.

[BeaWheesht]

I haven't read the whole thread so I apologise if I'm repeating.

People often comment on how well behaved my kids are especially ds (6) (dd is 2 so...)

However, OMG ds can be a right little so and so at times he's just generally well behaved around other people and has never been prone to violence for example.

I think the only thingI've learnt are that if you do consequences always follow them through, both for good and bad behaviour. I really think that's key along with admitting when you're wrong, giving them attention and admitting their faults.

Ds has a couple of friends who are unbearably naughty and I feel for them tbh because their parents consistently make excuses or flat out deny any wrong doing which doesn't encourage them to behave in a way which is socially acceptable and they aRe losing friends. So, I think it's goo you're trying and tbh I bet you're doing as well as anyone else I really do. Someone told me ds was a very calm boy yesterday, I was

[Peachyjustpeachy]

Follow through. There is no point in offering Disney as a reward or threatening to remove Disney as an incentive to be good,....If you will go regardless of the child's behaviour. Kids aren't stupid and beyond soon get the measure of empty words.

Always follow through even if the punishment is too severe for the z'crime'