Need urgent nursery advice please help!!

[Whenwillwestopmoving]

5mo dd is 'settling in' in nursery this week - I go back to work next week, 2.5 days / week. So far she has just been familiarising with the staff, tomorrow I drop her off so she can have her morning nap there. I'm totally stressed now as the baby room leader has told me that they won't rock / cuddle the babies to sleep, or even shush pat them. If they don't sleep, or cry so they disturb the other babies, tough.

DD had all sorts of colicky troubles when tiny, was fed then rocked to sleep, and I have spent so much time and effort getting her into a regular napping pattern, but it looks like its all going to go up in smoke. She doesn't need much help getting to sleep (a bit of rocking and patting as long as you catch her at the right time) but I know for sure if she's just popped in a cot awake she'll cry the house down. Is this practice common in nurseries?

I'm having major last minute jitters about going back to work early anyway, but I need people's honest opinions - should I gear up to having to take time off work in the first week or two to sort this all out? Do babies end up having to leave nurseries and going to childminders because of not nappiNg? Can babies be expelled from nurseries for crying or being troublesome??? (Only half joking...) I did meet a few childminders but the nursery was highly recommended, and a friends kids are in the same one which will be nice as we're moving to an area where I don't know many people.

I think I've buried my head in the sand to an extent as just didn't want to think about this time actually coming - and now I'm wondering if I've really f**cked up putting her in nursery at all.

[LandaMc]

My health visitor said that babies under 6 months should never be left crying as they're just too young...

This is really hard. If it was me I'd probably delay returning to work and get a loan to cover the gap.

Good luck x

[Whenwillwestopmoving]

All staff are qualified to some degree or other - I'm not sure about guidance re weaning being different in Ireland; I thought it was a WHO thing rather than a national thing. Anyway there was no mention of food today.

More annoyingly, I just picked her up and she didn't sleep at all this morning. They tried her in the cot for 40 minutes but no joy, and they said she did cry quite a bit. They didn't try anything else to get her to sleep. I don't know what to think as although tired (fell asleep as soon as the car set off) she wasn't horrendously overtired, and they did say that they would have tried her again in the cot in a bit when she got tired again. I just know her, and know that she has the potential to go for a whole day without napping and will be screamingly overtired by evening. Yuck this is horrible.

[maja00]

Leaving a 5 month old to cry in a cot for 40 minutes would be a deal breaker for me (I work in a nursery btw).

[NothingsLeft]

I would be furious if anyone left my baby to cry for 40 mins without picking him, especially five months. The fact you are having to pay for this crap would piss me off even more!

Young babies are not supposed to be left to cry. Did you tell them that?

I know it's difficult when it's your first & you have no idea what you are doing but she's still your DD and you still have a say. I had lots of trouble with nursery not taking DS's allergies seriously and I was far too polite for too long. They undermined my parenting a lot and minimised my concerns until I threatened them with OFSTED and they sorted themselves out. The were also the 'best' nursery in the area.

I feel for you, I really do. They sound totally heartless. No way could I listen to a 5 month old crying for its mum in a strange place and not pick them up. No way.

[matana]

DS has always been a great sleeper but at 5 months still needed some help sometimes and has always been fond of closeness and cuddles. I think it is so, so important to respond to them and my heart would ache even now my DS is 2.6 if i thought he was being left to cry. Such little human beings need to know someone will be there when they need them. I really don't mean to make you feel even worse, but the things you have said would definitely be a deal breaker for me. Could you consider a different nursery, or a childminder? I went for a CM when DS was still a baby for various reasons. DS is still with her and has developed a lovely bond (mummy's still his favourite, but he runs to his CM and throws his arms around her when he hasn't seen her for a week or two!)

[Whenwillwestopmoving]

Ok so I phoned the nursery, and went through what happened this morning in detail. They didn't leave her to cry consistently for 40 minutes but did pick her up a couple of times and soothed her to the point of drowsiness, but she woke up when they put her down, and she was also disturbed by the noise of the other babies, which she'll have to get used to I know.

We discussed the use of swings / buggies; it is in the nursery's policy not to use them because of safety (I guess in case baby falls out or something?) but if she got v overtired and cranky to the point she was disturbing the other babies, the girl said that she would use one as a last resort.

I'm a little more reassured, and she is having a nice long nap now, and just woke up, cried a bit, and went back to sleep herself. It is so helpful, though, to hear what people consider acceptable and not, so thanks so much, Mumsnet is great . Friends and family I think tend to be overly reassuring as they know it is going to be a tough time, but it's good to know that there are some lines that should not be crossed and that I'm not just being a super anxious first time mum.

[stealthsquiggle]

That sounds better. A similar chat about weaning policies might be useful.

Sleep patterns will inevitably be different at nursery than at home, and different is not necessarily bad, but you do definitely have the right to question what they are doing and make sure they will adapt to your DD if they need to.

[maja00]

I would still find the crying completely unacceptable. Obviously picking her up a couple of times is not working as it still meant 40 minutes crying. I'm surprised any well trained professionals find this in any way acceptable.

It sounds like they don't believe in helping babies to get to sleep and want to teach her to self settle, but they are completely ignoring her emotional needs to settle in, build a bond with her keyworker and feel comfortable there. If you want to do CIO/CC/sleep training with them once she is settled in then you could discuss it with them (not that I think that is ethical to do on a 5 month old anyway) but to try to train her to sleep using crying methods during her settling in period is unbelievable to me.

It sounds to me like they are focussed on what works for them (having all the babies fall asleep alone with minimal input from the staff) but in doing so are forgetting (or maybe just don't know or understand) her emotional needs for security and attachment.

[NothingsLeft]

Totally agree Maja, very well put.

[Whenwillwestopmoving]

I'm slowly gaining a bit more confidence in the nursery - after the phone call yesterday I think they are now very clear that I don't want her crying, and it sounds like they used a sort of cry-free pick up / put down sort of thing this morning, and she slept for 20 minutes. A different girl put her to sleep today though, not her key person, which I'm not thrilled about. I'm back for full days in work on Monday and Tuesday but my mum is going to collect her at 2pm on Monday and we'll try a full day Tuesday. It is a very hard time but I think it will get better .