My daughter has been consistently picked on and bullied for years

[jomer20]

Hi,
I am looking for a miracle - some suggestion that will end the misery and sadness that my 9 year old has felt on and off for years.
She is desperately sad and really fed up as she is constantly the victim of nasty, bitchy comments and behaviour from her contemporaries.
She was bullied by one girl in particular for three years before the school managed to control the bully and stamp it out but during that time my child never really established secure friendships as the bully used to steer the other girls away from her.
Eventually a year and a half ago she bonded with on girl and felt she at last had a best friend, but the rumblings with the other girls continued and always threatened. Her anxiety peaked and after seeking professional help for two years she was seen by the local child mental health team who helped her try and deal with her worry and process the bullying.
But for the last six months her "best friend" and the other girls have become increasingly nasty and she is again feeling vulnerable and for three to four months has been crying every other night. She is scared, she is fed up and feels lonely and alone.
The girl who bullied her is also starting to threaten her again and because my daughter has complained about the other girls picking on her the school are not supportive any more - I think they are sick of the situation - as are we.
I feel helpless to ease my child's suffering. It breaks my heart to see her so upset and traumatised. I feel I am failing her.
Do we move her from this school or is it teaching her to run away? She is frightened to stand up for herself and the other girls are now taunting her - "go tell your mummy" or "run and tell the teacher" they sneer at her.
She has endured enough now. I am worried for her state of mind - her mental health.

[sunnydays123]

MildredIsMyAlterEgo thanks for your messages. i think i should give the school a chance to implement the round table strategy. but there has to be a time limit. this was only tried in the last week of term at school. if by the end of the 2nd week of new term there have been incidents then we will move my daughter.
my daughter gets on with EVERYONE else in school, why should i let a nine year old dictate where she is educated. Especially as it is a fee paying school that I have chosen.

[MildredIsMyAlterEgo]

sunnydays go back to the head and address your concerns.

One child has already left, you are also considering it. This is not acceptable.

Your DD is suffering because of this bully, the school's approach does not appear to be working for her. The head needs to be made aware of this.

The school need to do something about it otherwise you will need to move your DD.

I hope you get it sorted quickly.

[MildredIsMyAlterEgo]

My best friend (I never knew her at school, we grew up at opposite ends of the country) was bullied mercilessly at school.

Her mother insisted she change school, and she also took up martial arts to boost her confidence. (She became rather good at it too if the amount of trophies are anything to go by)

She always maintains they were the best things she could have ever done.

Your DD's school is a disgrace for allowing this, I think you should move her.

[sunnydays123]

Hi,
I am hoping to get some advice. My daughter is 9 years old and over the last 2 school years has repeatedly come home from school very distressed about one girls behaviour, attitude and actions towards her. They include things like name calling, not allowing her to play with other girls in the class, putting her down, there was even an incident two years ago where she bit her. My daughter to begin with complained that this child dominated all aspects of play. Now my daughter is left out, ridiculed and the child says very hurtful things to my daughter. I have witnessed the blanking bitchy like manner that this girls often behaves with towards my daughter. My daughter has no reason to lie to me about the nature of what occurs at school, she is a very honest child.
i thought my daughter was the only child affected by this until recently i discovered that this same child had been upsetting two other children in the class.
up to this point I had been to complain and bring to the attention my concerns with the headteacher and was lead to believe that it was being monitored, but my daughter continued to come home upset. the other girls have been as upset as my daughter - and one child has left the school. the class sizes are very small and as such there is not much choice for escaping a strong character. she appears manipulative and behaves in this way in a way that is under the radar of teachers.
the school have finally discussed the issue with the parent and have suggested a round table approach to addressing occurrences in the school playground. already this approach appears to benefit the child who has been getting away with nasty bullying behaviour for two or more years - this child is manipulative and quick to find a solution rather than get told off. instead my daughter and the others are being grouped with the child that is being the bully and being forced to "discuss" occurrences when they are clearly feeling anxious about it and distressed. We are in the summer holidays and my child is so upset still, even though she has not seen this child for a few weeks. She cries when we talk about it. she gets on well with all the other children in the class. i feel at the end of my tether and dont know if i should change her school - but she says she will 'give this child a chance' every day to be nice rather than change school. She loves the familiarity and everything else about school - but this child is leaving a black cloud over it. What should I do??

[jomer20]

Thannk you all, especially to Miggsie for your recommendations.

[kicker]

I moved DS1 after 2 years of unhappiness at his first school. I wished I'd pushed a little harder in moving him sooner (but around here schools are oversubscribed) It has worked out very well. He quite enjoys his new school now and has a couple of good friends which proved to me it wasn't him (as was suggested by his first school).
Don't keep your child in that environment any longer than you have to. My son was initially reluctant to move too but you have to make the decision for them. Please give her a fresh start and allow her to enjoy her education in a new environment.

[Uppermid]

Move her. Also see if you can enrol her in an out of school club, whether its drama, sport, singing, musical instrument whatever, it will help her build confidence.

Your poor dd, I was horribly bullied at secondary school but never told my parents.

[lljkk]

move her. Can't say it better than everyone else has done.

I had similar when I was in school and when DS had similar problems even I hesitated about moving him for all the same types of reasons: but really, was best thing ever, my only regret is that I didn't move DS sooner.

[Floggingmolly]

The school is very definitely failing her; and you will be too if you dither any longer about moving her.

[3littlefrogs]

Almost the first thing my ds said to me within days of moving to his new school was:

"I have realised it wasn't my fault. The other people at this (new) school are normal. The people at (old school) were not."

It was a revelation to him.

The HT and his form teacher at the old school colluded with and condoned the bullying. As a parent you can do nothing about people like this.

[daytoday]

Mover her. It sounds as though her anxiety is high anyway so you really have nothing to loose and everything to gain. It sounds like the school hasn't got a handle on it at all and now the relationships are probably too set to change at age 9. If it was going to improve it would have by now!

If you were relentlessly bullied at work - you'd change jobs wouldn't you?

Then, in the new school you do not have friendship history to unravel - you can deal with any anxiety etc directly.

she has probably been worn down and to some extent may have internalised the bullying believing that it is partly her fault and she may be scared that if she moves school it will happen again. It isn't her fault of course! Poor thing.

[Miggsie]

I'd move her - I would also write a formal complaint to the school for condoning bulllying - they have done nothing.

I would remove her from any place these other girls go - so any after school activities as well.

I'd also see about joining a club - again where NONE of these girls go.
Martial arts or singing are good - as you are in a group BUT there is no room for interactions not governed by the teacher - so your DD would feel part of a group without having to deal with lots of "social" stuff. This will help her feel better about herself.

She seems to have victim dependence - hence her worry about moving - she can't see her life wihtout these girls in it, even though she is miserable - many, many victims cannot detach from their tormentors, you need to help her with this. I'd also throw the mental health team into a deep daprk pit as they are clearly incompetent and were clearly trying to clame your daughter for being a victim and not dealing with the perpetrators.

If you can, I wouild also advise getting a dog - they give love without reservation.

My friend's daughter's life was destroyed by bullies, they pulled her out of school but it was too late, she was 15 and is now on anti-depressants.
Don't let your daughter be picked on!

If the school are useless then you must act.

A couple of books wich helped my DD were:
"Bullies, big mouths and so called friends"
and
"Queen Bees and Wannabees"

It helped her get perspective on the situation and realise "it's not me, it's them." I have read them both several times and they are excellent.

[sensesworkingovertime]

Hi, I feel so much for you and your poor daughter, you have both endured far more than enough. If this situation has gone on for this long I think the conclusion has to be that THE SCHOOL HAS FAILED HER not you. You are not present when she is in school , the teachers are, it is their job to take care of her and stamp on the bullies, they have got the degrees and part of that degree is studying the behaviour of children!

Sorry, didn't mean to sound like a lecture. IF you decide to move schools, and I also think you should if you have another choice of school, then you would be standing up to the bullies, don't look at it as running away. No, it's your way of saying 'get lost, we are not putting up with you any more'. You will be doing a brave thing by making a fresh start for your daughter. You'll probably feel relieved when you make the decision but I appreciate it must be a difficult decision. I really hope things improve soon.

[HPsauceonbaconbuttiesmmm]

I don't think you've failed her. You post comes across as desperate and very caring. You've done what you have felt was right, listening to your daughter and her MH team. Don't add guilt to your list of worries.

I think everyone here just wants to reassure you that a decision to move is NOW very much the obvious choice. Could you maybe arrange meetings with head teachers in other schools, to which your daughter could attend, to discuss how they would handle any similar situation, so your dd can see that her current school are failing her?

Could she also maybe join some sort of out of school club, even in a different area, so she can meet a different set of friends too? Maybe something like a martial art that teaches respect for one another but also massively confidence building?

Moving her at this stage is not teaching her to run away, it's showing her, in no uncertain terms, that you will do anything and everything to protect her.

All the best. I hope your dd can find some happiness soon.

[thebestpossibletaste]

I would change schools, even if your daughter doesn't want to. This situation isn't going to go away. I have taken my daughter out of school before and it was the best thing we ever did. She regained her confidence and was like a different child. They make new friends - and your daughter has only the one friend to lose, and they can stay in touch out of school, which might be better anyway.

[LeeCoakley]

Can you also move her to a school where the pupils go to a different secondary than those at her current school? Otherwise in a couple of years she will be facing the bullies again.

[shellbu]

can understand why you never moved her straight away if she begged you not to , she was probably thinking better the devil you know , chances are she will make new friends and have the happy childhood she deserves if you move her , and you will wish you did it sooner , good luck .

[3littlefrogs]

Because her self esteem and confidence has been destroyed she is afraid of the unknown. She is not capable of making a decision. You have to do it for her.
Please. Just take her out, then go from there.

My ds tried to kill himself because of the bullying. Don't wait another moment.

[jomer20]

Thank you for all your support.
To clarify for those who think I failed by not moving her sooner, it has never been a clear cut decision.
My daughter's biggest insecurity has been her self esteem and self belief in her ability to make and keep friends. She has always really kicked off when I have suggested moving schools and begged me to keep her there.
Then we had this 18 month period when she made friends with one girl and she entered a period of more stability. The mental health team agreed that it would not be in her best interests to move and have to forge new friendships with her insecurities, so I was in part guided by them.
Now she is more willing to move it seems like the only option, but even so she is still very upset - and petrified - at the thought of it.
I have told her I can home school her but the idea horrified her and she was adamant she wanted to go to a school.

[SavoyCabbage]

Definitely move schools. My dd is nine too and there is none of this sort of thing at her school. It's a large school and they are mixed up every year but there is no bullying. Not all schools are like yours.

[OrangeFootedScrubfowl]

I'd not send her back after Easter. Homeschool until I could move school. Is that an option?

[MariefromStMoritz]

Do you work? Would you be able to homeschool her for a while?

[differentnameforthis]

Maybe try to get the school to wake up and do something about the situation

It took them 3 years last time, I wouldn't risk it.

[differentnameforthis]

She is in turmoil, not sleeping properly, edgy, waking in the night, reverting to being scared at night in the dark...

Why has it been left to get this bad? Your poor daughter. Be the adult she needs you to be, MOVE her, now. Before any more damage is done.

She has endured enough now

She had endured enough years ago! :(

[syl1985]

"Do we move her from this school or is it teaching her to run away?"

For us it's easier to stand against a group of children.

But your daughter is a child herself.
Imagine that you're being bullied every day by a group of adults. Is it only verbal or also physical abuse? Imagine you being in that position. You against adults and that every single work day.

Standing up for yourself is not always the answer.
Sometimes the others are simply to strong to handle for one person.
Would you fight/stand up for yourself, if you're against 2 or more adults? Both looking stronger then you? Or would you try to avoid the confrontation?

The school should do more against it.
Not only for your daughter, but also for the other kids.
Usually there's something wrong with the children that bully. It could be anything from just feeling insecure to being abused or neglected at home.

It's the schools duty to have a look at that when one or more decided to go and pick on someone.

Even if your girl would somehow find a way for them to loose interest in her. Even then the school won't be rid of the problem. This girl or girls will just find someone else to pick on.

The problem doesn't lie with your daughter. She was just there on the wrong place on the wrong time.
Just being an easy target for them and that's how it usually starts.

Maybe try to get the school to wake up and do something about the situation.
But I'd bring my child to a better school and to a defense class. Something like judo or something else. That if something happens she won't have to feel so scared, because she can defend herself when things turn nasty.

You won't learn her to run away and just be scared. You'll learn her that sometimes it's best to ignore people and the problem isn't hers it's theirs. There's nothing wrong with her.

No need to stay somewhere, where you don't have any friends. It's absolutely a waist of your time to be anywhere or do anything that totally makes you feel miserable.

You'll learn her that there'll always be others who do like you. If you haven't found them yet, then go and find them. Maybe she'll find them at the next school if not then the one after that.

Same as we'd do with a job. Would you stay and work for years in a place where you're being bullied by your colleges?
I wouldn't and I think most of us would go and find a better place to work.

Why would a child have to stay at a school where she's being bullied? Nothing at all wrong with leaving that place.

It's more important to turn your back to these bullies and be happy then to stay and let them ruin your life.
It's so worth it!!!

She and you're suffering. Probably her schoolwork is suffering as well. On a different school where she feels better she'll probably also work harder and get better marks.

That'll be so important for the rest of her life! Having good qualifications, usually also means getting a better job when you're finished with school/learning.

You don't want to ruin that just to show a bunch of bullies that you can handle them. Would you?
Personally I think it's totally not worth it. Get her to a defense class and to a much better school then this one.


Take care,

Sylvia