I think I have an anger problem...

[HankeringForSun]

Am I the only one who loses it? Do you feel your temper on a daily basis with your kids? Even if you don't lose it? How calm do other mothers stay when their kids REALLY wind you up?
I grabbed DS, aged 5 today, really hard and swung him round because he mimicked me when I was trying to talk to him about not biting his sister, and throwing stuff around. I felt the force in myself. My temper. Horrible.
Help!
I feel so so awful. I have scared myself too many times. Am I the only one?

[bedhaven]

Phew...also feeling better hearing it's not only me. I totally lost it today, the biggest tantrum which was way in excess of the trigger. I just couldnt calm down, even locking myself in the downstairs loo screeching to be left alone so I could cool off. Only to escalate quickly for the smallest reason. I do try and be careful of what words I scream but the ferocity is frightening. I feel like I am imploding.
How can I calm down in the face of sustained whinging from DD 2 years?
On the plus side, I didnt throw anything :(

[NickECave]

My DDs are 6 and nearly 3 and I disagree about boys being more challenging - my 6 year old is an expert at pushing my buttons. She will completely ignore instructions eg. not getting ready for school in the morning, although this is now the third year of the same routine of going out to school and she know exactly what she should do. Her younger sister copies her but I'm better at dealing with her, probably because I've already experienced this stage once before, whilst I have higher expectations of the 6 year old which are often not met. Both I and DH had fairly strict upbringings but are fairly relaxed parents ourselves (although we do set firm boundaries and expectations). I constantly find myself thinking, if I behaved towards my parents the way DD1 often behaves towards me they would not have tolerated it. My father had a very short temper and sometimes hit us as children, so I am determined not to use smacking myself, but I recognise the "red mist" feeling only too well.

[PoshPaula]

I have found this thread so comforting. I shout, I lose it, as my two are so very testing (aged 4 and 2). I feel awful every time, guilty, tearful, etc. and I try very hard not to lose my temper. I was the same with my much older boy, when he was little.

[Fishandjam]

Just placemarking as I don't have time to post fully now - but I am also a red mister (and a sobber-in-the-bathroom-away-from-DS). Back soon!

[ohcluttergotme]

So far that's definitely been my experience hoopsa, so i am desperately hoping for an easier time of it when ds is a teen. Also feel I couldn't have the stages any harder at the moment with them both.
That is exactly what my little boy does when he gets a row, laughs, makes a joke, I only had to speak sternly to my dd & she behaved. Oh it's hard isn't it? x

[mummy2benji]

Yes I have had that 'red mist' descend too, which I never had prior to becoming a mum. At times it has really scared me as I've felt myself come close to losing it entirely. I have a ds too (4) but have had the odd similar moment when dd won't stop crying (4 months), usually in the evenings if dh is working late or on nights and I'm desperate to have a bit of a break. I can't say I always respond well in these situations and have frequently shouted at both children, but I think it is very important to recognise in yourself when you are no longer in control and must leave the room to regain some composure before you behave in a way you'll regret. Most of us lose our tempers and shout, but if you are having a moment where you think you could actually hurt your child, you just need to go next door / outside / shut yourself in the bathroom for a minute to calm down. I have found retreating to the kitchen and throwing something non-breakable helped! (Not when ds could see me).

[Possiblyoutedled]

I shouted my way through three boys and am now a shouty mum if girls.
I sometimes feel as if I'm going mental with rage as dd is so cocky but you are right she gets upset that I'm upset whereas the boys would be found on their games consoles as if nothing had happened.
I don't know why I'm so angry because my mum wasn't like that at all.

[Hoopsadazy]

From what I hear, boys are testing when young and then tend to be easier as teens and girls are the opposite.

Huge generalisation, obv!

My friends with girls the same age seem to be confused as to why when I shout at DS he doesn't just burst into tears to see me so upset like their girls do............!!!

He just stands there and laughs at me usually or pushes even harder.

Perhaps it is an emotional empathy thing?

[ohcluttergotme]

Completely agree that it's not always about parenting. I have dd (13) who was an absolute delight & do easy to parent, I thought I had the parenting thing cracked. Now have ds (3) who is an absolute nightmare but great for everyone but me. He just knows how to push & push my buttons. Dd is now a nightmare so I'm hoping when ds is a teenager he'll be a breeze!

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

All three of my dc are boys! In fact, we're on the tram home from a museum, where they acted up and I over compensated and got slightly shouty and strict.

[Hoopsadazy]

How many of the kids mentioned here are boys? Just seems to be a lot of 'DS' mentioned here . We have a DS here who doesn't seem to listen, understand 'no' and I do worry what he will be like at school.

[insanityscratching]

I don't have a temper but that's not always the best thing tbh. Ds who is now in his twenties thought he'd discovered some hidden talent when he got to school and was really amused to get his teachers to lose their tempers and shout because I never have.
No idea why I don't have a temper, I never have had, I am very placid and really don't like people's anger at all tbh.

[CrapBag]

Katy that sounds exactly what I do, his bad behaviour meaning my parenting skills were at fault so over compensating. Its probably what many of us do. I'm just never articulate enough to actually be able to put it in words.

Nice to know that we aren't alone though and the reason is because we do care about the people that they will become one day. (Its what I tell myself anyway, makes me feel a bit better ).

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

This thread is a bit old, but I just found it.

I have this problem, too.

The other day, I realised that all kids act up, and it wasn't personal. I took bad behaviour to mean that I was a bad mother, and I would react by over compensation and trying to be strict in the form of yelling and sometimes smacking.

[CrapBag]

Thats a good point Saski. If I have gone really OTT, I alwayd apologise and calm down. It is good for them to see that we aren't perfect either. I also reassure DS that however infuriating I find his behaviour, I still love him.

[Saski]

I scream at my kids all the time. Less now that they are older, but still, kids are infuriating. I wonder about those who say they don't.

Most important thing is that they see you apologize when you feel that you have gone overboard, and even MORE importantly, that they feel that they have control over whether you are angry with them or not - i.e. your anger is reasonable and relatively proportional.

[angel1976]

Crapbag We were at a play farm yesterday. DS1 decided rolling down a bogey hill into a big mud pile was funny... He ended up covered in mud and I had no choice to leave him like that for the rest of the day. To be fair, it doesn't seem to bother him much, looking like a right mess! Yes, the walking to school thing is an issue. I have banned taking scooters as it gives me a heart attack every time he heads off out of sight and I end up shouting and screeching like a banshee on our streets! Oh well, at least you had two years of pleasure from your DS before he changed, my DS1 was a difficult baby from day 1 but he is also the sweetest and kindest kid you know!

[CrapBag]

Thanks a lot angel that does help.

Sometimes I feel guilty because I am getting more 'pleasure' from DD at the moment but she hasn't reached the stage where she does anything wrong. She is very compliant and a joy to be around. I do anticipate that this will probably change as she is about to turn 2 but I don't need to tell her off hardly at all and all it takes is a few words for her to listen. DS was like this but then developed a personality of his own (how dare he ). You are right. Some things I need to put down to his exuberance and not be so embarrassed. I die of shame when he rolls around on the floor and things when we are out but then I do see others doing the same and it makes me feel better. Although I look at children who just walk sensibly beside parents in shops and feel great envy!! Why doesn't mine do that!! He does it fine on the way to school, although there are stretches where I let him run ahead.

[angel1976]

Crapbag Your DS sounds exactly like my DS1. He will press my buttons just like you described until I lose it at him completely. But outside of home like school and at his grandparents', he is very well-behaved and polite with other people as long as I am not there.

Like you, I also have to watch him carefully when out as sometimes he can be very embarrassing! It is very exhausting! However, can I give you a word of comfort? I have DS2 now and it's really NOT your parenting. I felt like a shit mum until DS2 came along and he is perfectly well behaved and listens to me when I say NO the first time. Sometimes, it's just personality! I take comfort in the fact that DS1 is very well loved and social and he will do well in life when older once he learns to control his impulses!

[CrapBag]

God this is such a relief to read!!!!

I feel like this a lot. I feel like my DS in particular must really dislike me sometimes although he insists I am the best mummy, I certainly don't feel that way though. I am always shouting but he is going through a real phase at the moment (he's 5) and its driving me mad. Not listening, being completely ignorant. But what really grates and gets me mad is when I say he isn't allowed something and he still reaches out constantly to get it, I repeat very firmly and move his hand away and he will STILL reach out and this will go on and on. I get to the point where I roughly move it away, not smacking or anything but I still feel like I have had quite a firm grip on his arm. Doesn't stop him though!!!!! There has been occasion where he has cried and said I have hurt time, so then I feel dreadful, but he will still do the same next time so he hasn't leant at all. All its made me do is feel like a shit mother who can't control her child.

I am firm but fair, we have clear boundaries and rules. DS certainly isn't allowed to get away with stuff but it just doesn't seem to be sinking in with him at all. I do see some bratty children and am thankful that my DS isn't like that, he is generally very polite and well mannered but I still feel like people must think he is a pita really. And he isn't. He has some really redeeming qualities. Extremely generous, kind, very well behaved in school but there are other things that make me feel very embarrassed about his behaviour.

[cory]

When mine were that age I used to go around muttering as my mantra "Childrearing is work in progress". Meaning you can't expect one telling-off to fix things forever and you haven't failed if this doesn't happen.

[baskingseals]

sometimes you lose your adult self and become like a child again.

i think it is fairly normal, and i think you learn how to deal with it as time goes on. i lost it much more with my eldest dc and than i do with the younger two. i know myself better now.

have a game plan. in the evening, when they are finally in bed, think about what you will do next time they wind you up. and remember just how shit you feel when you do lose it.

try not to take their behaviour personally. keep a sense of perspective, and look after yourself, if at least some of your own needs are being met, it is much easier to meet theirs with patience.

[HankeringForSun]

Hello there
Thanks so much for all these reactions.
after I posted last night I lay down and listened to entire CD of Marshal Rosenburg's Non Violent Communication. It is AMAZING stuff. Really put me back together, with a plan and it's already working. When DS started throwing the contents of my purse all over the room, AGAIN and trampling on my bag this morning, I was able to observe without judging (BAD), explain my needs (the need for order and respect of my things) and request without demanding (would you be willing to put those things back in my purse) explaining that it would make me feel really happy if she could help me keep order in the house. IT WORKED. Although as Marshall says, the idea isn't to be fixated with making this type of communication 'work' straight up. It's about connecting with your child, seeing his or her unmet needs, communicating your own and allowing the deepening connecting to bring a 'working together' mentality to fruition. I find it really inspiring stuff. My DC's are only 15 months apart and the mounting exhaustion etc over the years has brought me to increasinly violent places and I was never that way before. I will listen or read to ANYTHING that might help me to be inspired to communicate differently. Your sharings are so helpful.
Thanks people.

[RarelyAGobshite]

It's certainly not unusual and you're definitely not alone.

I very occasionally smacked my eldest. But I was cross once and I was shouting, I raised my arms expressing iykwim and my ds1 flinched and cowered.

I will never, ever, smack my children again.

On the occasion in question I wasn't going to smack him (he obvs didn't know that), and I've literally smacked him maybe give times in his life (he's 6 and extremely trying at times)

It upsets me now still that that was his reaction. And rightly so. Ill never forget his face.

I try to deal with anger/red mist/frustration differently now and it's rare I raise my voice now to my children.

My point is, what happened today may change your perspective on things. You now know(in hindsight) that your reaction may have been too hard. Take it as a lesson. And if you feel the need to, explain to your ds what happened and that you're sorry and it won't happen again, you love him very much etc.

It's hard being a mum sometimes and it's a learning curve. This is one of the tougher curves.

[elportodelgato]

I also lose my temper scarily often I hate it, i did it today, have been on my own with both DC all day as DH away and by about 6.30 I just snapped. They are only 4.5 and 2 but my GOD I find it so so hard

Has anyone found a way to stop being so cross and deal with it better?