tops tips for parent of toddler and new baby?

[bebemooneedsabreak]

Just that.
Panicking after MIL 'helpfully' pointed out again and again on her visit that things are going to be rough...
Dh will likely be away at work M-F, but if we're lucky with the next job it'll just be commuting (so gone 7am-8.30pm). We won't have family support really as they'll be too far away and/or busy with SILs kids... The neighbors are not really 'neighborly' and it's really a commuters area anyhow, so not many around during the day...
I.E. it really will be me most of the time...

What have you found really helps dealing with being 'on' 24hrs again with a newborn but having an active 2yo who wants to get out and do things too? I imagine all but the very necessary housework gets pushed to the side...

[majorly panicky emoticon]

[GruffalosGirl]

Get any help you can afford. If you can get a cleaner, even if only for the first couple of months it is a lifesaver.

If you can put the toddler into nursery a couple of days that really helps.

Putting the toddler in their high chair to draw or do playdough so you can feed works well for us.

Make sure the living room is really safe and the toddler can't get out. We've had to extra baby proof the room so if I'm sat feeding for 45 mins DS can't hurt himself or escape. We've put a lock on the top of the living room door, have a baby gate to the kitchen and a baby gate on DS's bedroom so he can play safely upstairs while I shower.

Fill the freezer full of meals you can defrost and when you cook always cook a double portion so you can freeze one.

Remember your older DC is still a baby and try not to expect too much. I had a section and we have had lots of clinginess and sleep regression, my DH slept on our 27 month Ds's bedroom floor for the first month. At the moment our toddler needs me much more than the baby does (baby is 13wks)

Try and anticipate problem times. Nap time is always bad here so I make sure the baby is either already asleep or will be ok being left.

There will be days when you wonder why the hell you had another one. I've phoned my DH in tears before now. But it won't last and the bigger they get the easier it becomes. I have found it hard though.

[dustyhousewithdustypeople]

Lower all standards for a couple of months. Letting the toddler loose in the cereal cupboard for breakfast IS a valid option, and makes for some good photos to look back on and laugh at when it's all got better.

Oh, and don't forget to take photos, we have hardly any of our 2nd when he was new as it got forgotten in all the hecticness.

[titferbrains]

Tooting is yr 2yr old still napping? Just dropped dd's nap at 2.6yo, and her sleep is much better. Certainly no hideous wake ups like yours, even tho the birds here are really noisy!

[Tootingbec]

I won't pretend that it isn't tough going when the sleeping is a nightmare - we have just come out of a phase of my previously brilliant 2 year old waking to start the day at 5.30am and my 8 month old waking any time between 4.30 am and 5am .

It is a killer (ok for one night but when it goes on and on.....) and there is no solution except try and nap in the day and if you don't have family near by to help out, throw some money at the problem. If we have had a very bad few nights and I am beyond knackered, then I ring up my daughters day nursery and book her in for that day - at least then I only have to deal with one of them on no sleep.

[bebemooneedsabreak]

thanks for all the good advice ladies :)
we're working on dd being independent actually -she made her own lunch today (PBJ sandwich 'roll', grapes, nuts, cranberries and juice and she was so very pleased with herself) :) Hopefully she'll continue to be helpful and willing

we had one of those nights with her last night tho which made me think -when/if I have to do this with a bitty baby too I'm going to be in trouble...tho heaven knows I would have let her sleep in my bed had it just been me and another babe as I'd not have lasted the 2.5 hours to settle her again...

[Lovemy2babies]

I had an active 2 year dd and a newborn this time last year csection Dh worked long hours 6 days a week no family and I had pnd.
I coped by having a strict routine, making dd1 as independent as possible (could get her own simple snacks like yogurt and raisins) co sleeping during the day (we all napped in my bed including me!). Me napping.
And getting out the house!
And putting dd1 into preschool asap

It can be hard but I promise it gets better.
Dd2 is now 1 and is walking and everything is ok

[Tootingbec]

Hello! Not much to add to what others have said - all very sound advice!

Just to say I had 18 months between mine and while at times it was a bit of a nightmare, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Your baby will just end up trailing in the wake of your toddler to be honest and so just stick to your normal toddler rountine and fit the newborn into that.

Once the newborn is at the point of having a "routine" (10-12 weeks or so?) then you can try and co-ordinate naps and meal times for both of them which makes life a lot easier.

Totally agree with Tortoise - you will be such an uber mummy with your new baby, you will wonder what you made all the fuss about with your first born! My toddler is in nursery 2 days a week and it is a BREEZE looking after a baby in comparison.......

It is knackering, all consumming and TEDIOUS but also strangly a lot of fun.....There will be times when all of you are yelling and crying but seriously, once you have everyone strapped down in a double buggy or with food/tit in their mouths, all goes quiet and you will feel very proud of yourself and will laugh in the faces of new parents fussing over their PFB!

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

The only thing I can add is a note of reassurance: you have already successfully got through the newborn/infant stage with one child, and the skills you acquired stay with you. You know how to change an explosive nappy while holding an infant, you can fold a stroller one-handed, you can nurse a baby while walking around and you know the special shushing dance/rock that soothes a baby like no other motion. The list is endless. Don't underestimate those skills, they are real skills acquired in real time through real effort. And they'll get you through this time.

(And me, hopefully)

[trixie123]

that is an interesting point Alibaba, DP is generally great but is a bit huffy if I want to go to bed or have a bath instead of watching the latest episode of whatever that we sky+. I find when I could nap I don't want to and then am desperate to when they are both awake!

[Alibabaandthe80nappies]

titfer - I'm sorry, that sounded a bit harsh - blame the sleep deprivation
I understand completely where you are coming from, I too like a plan - although I am quite anti a rigid routine especially for babies because I believe it makes them very inflexible (not a judgement, just my opinion and preference).

I will be honest, the first 6 weeks were very hard, even with lots of support from DH, my parents etc. Things are getting easier, but evenings are a toss up between extra sleep and actually getting to spend some time with DH. So far I've been favouring the time with DH, but I am approaching exhaustion and I think I'm going to have to start going to bed once DS1 is in bed and just get DH to bring DS2 to me for feeds.

[bridgeandbow]

Not read all the thread sorry...

I am just coming out of all this having had a 2 year age gap (within days!)

You will find that the toddler is still your focus - mine was 90% of the work still. The baby was easy peasy during the day in comparision to a toddler!

The reality is you will just get by on less sleep. You don't really have much choice in the matter. Following recommendations from friends, I got a "bedside" cot second time round - basically turns your bed into an extension of the cot and I got much more better quality sleep. Can't begin to describe what a difference it made.

You will be much more confident with the baby than first time round.

Is there anyway that your big one could have a couple of mornings ar nursery or playgroup? Mine did, and it was a lifesaver!

[titferbrains]

alibaba, re: overthinking, yes, it's been said before I am a virgo and a teeny bit anal. Am not necessarily going to follow a rigid plan but I find it reassuring to hear from other people and hear how they do things.

[Alibabaandthe80nappies]

trixie - we get meltdowns when the TV goes off for dinner as well. I find that giving DS1 a warning 'this is the last episode and then it is time for dinner' helps. Where he is a bit older now, I ask him to come and carry his cup or fork through to the table to distract him and then turn the TV off. He loves helping so this works well.

[Alibabaandthe80nappies]

titfer - I think you are overthinking it a bit, certainly for the early days. I've got DS1 2.11, and DS2 11 weeks.

We've stuck with DS1's routine, 7pm bath and 8pm sleep - he then wakes around 8am.
DS1 started playgroup when DS2 was a month old, he goes two afternoons a week and we go to a toddler music group early afternoon another day, so that is our structure for the week.

I do an hour of housework/tidying etc immediately after breakfast when DS2 tends to be sleeping, although obviously this doesn't happen all the time and certainly in the early weeks it was all very hit and miss.
Then I have some time with DS1 and he 'helps' me with jobs, or to get the dinner made and we play/read stories. DS1 spends a lot of time in the garden atm, he is in and out of the kitchen where I am busy.
Then lunch, and either playgroup, music or we pop out for a walk on the other two days.
From about 3-3.30 onwards we have tv, snacks, a film or whatever. DS1 dropped his nap when I was 4 months pregnant so this is his - and my! - relaxing time.
DS1 has his tea at around 5.30ish. If DH is going to be home by 6 then I push dinner back and we eat together.

Obviously this does vary, but I really recommend getting the dinner cooked in the morning, otherwise you run into trying to sort it out while you are dealing with a tired and grumpy toddler, a baby who wants to cluster feed and won't be put down, and all at the point in the day when you are running out of steam!

General tips:
Get a sling
Have somewhere to put the baby down in as many rooms as possible so that they can be with you. We have a moses basket in the living room, and the pram in the kitchen.
Use TV. I have it on before breakfast while I have a shower and we all get dressed, and then again in the pre-dinner patch. In the early days it was on more than that but I am trying to cut it back now.
Easy meals that can be cooked in advance. Stir-fry is actually about the worst because it needs dealing with in the 'witching-hour'. A casserole and some jacket potatoes is perfect, or bolognese - basically anything that you can do in advance and then ignore for a few hours.
Don't be hard on yourself! If you get an easy baby then it will be a breeze once you're over the first few weeks, if you get a velcro baby that wants to eat all the time like I've got then some days it can be really hard and I try not to beat myself up if DS1 ends up watching more TV than I would like him to.

Get a sling.
Use TV in the mornings and again towards the end of the day.

[ihavenewsockson]

I had a 15 month gap with mine....

Try to keep the naps for the older one, and take every opporunity for all three of you to get an afternoon nap.

Sleep downstairs ona single bed with baby beside you in moses basket for the first two weeks- that way you can BF when baby needs it and sleep when they are sleeping. DH is upstairs with toddler so he can get up inthe night when toddler needs something.

Keep it simple- lay out outfits night before if needs be, keep one portion of dinner for lunch the next day.

Order food from cookfood.net- they do frozen home made meals- ideal for a quick nut nutritiour dinner.

Get out at least once a day after you've recovered from the birth. Even if it's just to the letter box or local shop and back. You'll feel betterandless isolated for being out and about.

And....keep telling yourself the first year is the worst! Mine are now 3.6 and 2.3 and it is so much easier!

[trixie123]

thanks, he does love stickers so we can do that, he doesn't really do any other craft type things yet like play dough or colouring. Am trying to explain the idea of dinner first treat after but I don't think he understands the concept yet.

[titferbrains]

i did my best to ignore all tantrums when they started around 2 yo. Can you offer any treat after supper if he sits down nicely for his supper?

Can you let him do an activity while you prepare food? get out some special stickers or something?

[trixie123]

such a great thread. I have a 22 month old and a 1 month old and we are feeling our way. DS1 is just entering the tantrum stage so we tend to have a few meltdowns a day over NOTHING, I mean, really nothing, I have no idea what set him off this morning, though usually its over peppa pig being denied, or turned off after an hour. Any ideas on this one? it goes on at 5ish so I can get dinner cooked but then he has such a strop when it goes off he won't eat his tea. today is the first day or normality with DP back at work and no grandparents around and DS has gone to CM as he normally would if I was at work. I have today and tomorrow with just DD but then wed-fri with both. Will keep checking in here for ideas!

[Curlybrunette]

Hi everyone,
I'd agree with the advice given from others above, definitely keep to a good bedtime routine with dd1, the last thing you want is for that to slip so you end up with an overtired toddler running round as well as a tiny baby that will want to feed all evening.

2 other things, firstly I read somewhere to be aware of how you speak to the elder sibling. Say such as "what a lovely big sister you are" rather than "awww look at your lovely baby brother/sister". Crap example but you get what I mean, put the focus on the elder one rather than the new cute marvellous baby that everyone comes to see, cuddle and bring presents to. Also don't tell the elder child that they will love the baby, a toddler could well see that a baby is just a smelly, screaming thing that comes in to their life and takes away time and attention that they used to get. For a while they might not love their sibling, and it can cause more problems telling them that love or like this baby that at first they may not (or not realise they do anyway!). I told ds1 that family were coming to see us all after ds2 was born, rather than that they were coming to see the baby. I also let him open the presents for ds2. Although I certainly didn't expect it, I was so grateful when people bought ds1 a present as well as ds2!

The second thing I realise now (I had 19 months between my 2) is that ds1 suddenly seemed really grown up and big when ds2 arrived and I think I expected too much from him. At times he was really helpful and would pass nappies etc. if I asked but sometimes he wouldn't and I felt (but hopefully didn't show it) grumpy with him for not helping me when I'd asked him to. I realise now he wasn't even 2, I was so bloody unreasonable to have expected him to get stuff for me, and certainly was for feeling cross with him for not doing it. He was a baby for goodnes sake bad mum emoticon

Enjoy them, it will be not time before they are great playmates.
x

[titferbrains]

allthefires - will aim to be flexible with newborn's bathtime as frankly, they don't need much bathing anyway and they don't know the difference between night and day, they certainly don't care what time you bathe them! I really am not a morning person and think it's best not to disrupt DD1's routine if at all possible because she will notice it more.

[allthefires]

Really interesting thread. Am expecting dc2. Ds will be 4.

Hoping he will go preschool 1.5 mornings. Plus he iOS with his dad one whole week day. Will be resting as much as possible to make sure I have energy for rest of time with him.

Think with dc2 I will be less baby group focused as it can become too time consuming- I haven't got time for new friendships this time around!

Definitely doing online shop and going to do birthday presents at beginning of each month. Wrapped and ready.

Also have 2 stepchildren that baby needs to fit in with.

Think I best learn to juggle!

[allthefires]

Titferbrains- could dd have bath in the morning if she's full of beans or alternative days.

Think 3 is too young for them to dry/ put clothes on- or maybe my nearly 4 ds is just lazy!

[titferbrains]

oh god, ~I remember the poos. Up the back and down the leg, lovely

[CharlotteBronteSaurus]

we had a second cheapo bouncy chair in the bathroom, which helped a lot, both for the girls' bathtimes, and for me getting a shower in the mornings.
if dd2 wasn't such an explosive pooer I'm sure she wouldn't have had a daily bath either.

[titferbrains]

thanks that's helpful, I doubt very much that I'll bath baby every day, or if I do I will do baby's bath at another time, when DD1 can be "helper", our bathroom is awkward for trying to do both if they aren't both sitting up. Will be easier to just feed a bit more maybe while dd in the bath?? or let baby watch?