The 'correct' response when someone 'confesses' they are gay?

[Paolosgirl]

One of my close colleagues is gay, which makes not a jot of difference to me one way or t'other. He doesn't know I know, and I'm pretty sure he's been about to tell me on a couple of occasions recently. If he does 'fess up' what should my response be?

[Skimty]

I fucked this up.

One of my university friends changed his sexual orientation at around 27. He told us by saying, 'I've had a bit of a lifestyle change...' to which I replied 'You're not gay are you?' and then thought he was joking when he said yes.

In my defence he had gone out with a mutual friend (girl) for about 5 years and had had only hetereosexual relationships previously. It even shocked him when he realised.

So, don't go down that route...

[MmeLindt]

My mum's friend finally worked up the courage to come out to her teenage sons and their response was "Duuuuuuurrrrr. Like, we did not know already".

I like the "good for you" one, reminds me of the mayor of Berlin who came out at a press conference by saying, "ich bin schwul, und das ist auch gut so" (I am gay and that is good".

Such shame that it is still seen as a thing to be "confessed" like a dirty secret.

[Pennybubbly]

How about "ok".
What's the huge deal anyway? That's like a straight woman getting embarrassed over revealing she has a boyfriend or something!
How old is the guy?
Two of my close colleagues are gay (not a couple!) and as well as being fairly obvious, it was just mentioned in passing that "I went to x with x..."
If he wants to talk to you about his personal life then surely there's no need for embarrassment?
Or am I missing something?

[LoveBeingAMummy]

Hester - opps I did the yeah i know route, mind you wasn't hard when saying things and reffering to a girls name

[lljkk]

I've said (quite spontaneously, not scripted) "Good for you!" : as in, good that you feel confident enough to tell me that. I said something like "Oh! Lovely!" when I heard about another gay friend, too, which I think he quite appreciated.
I was genuinely happy for the confessors both times, Because you can't be happy if you can't be yourself, IYSWIM. So it is a good thing for them to be able to talk about, just say it out loud when and where they feel they want to.

In high school someone confided that he thought he might be gay. I replied "That's a Very hard Thing to be". Not very PC or supportive, but he was a close friend, I hated to think of the trouble in life he might encounter just because he was gay. He said that my response really stuck in his mind, but I don't think he minded. I think that he understood that I wasn't being critical, just concerned for him.

[whomovedmychocolate]

Unless you are a catholic priest, it's not a confession

When my brother came out, I said 'I thought you might be - thank you for telling me - how is it going?' which is probably very asinine but allowed him to talk at least. Can't think of anything worse than feeling you had to keep such a major part of yourself a secret for fear of being judged

[dilemma456]

Message withdrawn

[yespecan]

But how old is he? I mean I've had the 'blurting' it out, or the coming out, but not from grown-ups.

Won't he just say, 'Colin and I went walking in the Peak District last weekend. Have you ever been?'

and you'll say, 'No, I haven't. Did you both like it? where did you stay?'

and he'll say, 'Matlock Bath, which was a bit grim really'

and then you'll say

okay. You get the picture

he might say, 'you do know I'm gay don't you?' and you'll say, 'yes, I did, yes. Did you do mountain climbing?'

[Tinker]

Oh, just read thread now and see that some people think the "I knew anyway" approach is wrong. Depends how you're told then. I felt quite privileged to be officially told.

[Tinker]

I just said that we all knew anyway when I was "confessed" to. Which was true. He was just relieved to be able to be open about it.

[Dumbledoresgirl]

Could you say "That's great, now I have someone to go shopping with me" or is that passe?

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

confess? dunno. I think I'd be so confused about why someone decided I needed to know / cared who they chose to sleep with that and I'd just go "oh." and then "want a coffee?"

I don't know why it matters. I understand from reading / hearing things that it does, to some, but I have no idea why someone would care if someone else slept with men, slept with women or had a very close relationship with their hoover pipe. I mean, who cares? Really?

[kathyis6incheshigh]

The last time someone said this to me my answer was, 'Ah, that explains the earring', followed by, 'It suits you.'
I don't think there is a standard correct response tbh!

[UnquietDad]

If it comes out as a "confession" I suppose "I'm glad you're happy" is OK? It's never been an issue with any gay people I know - they usually let people guess and make it pretty obvious.

[maggievirgo]

My friend was annoyed when I said, yeah thought so. He thought it was his secret to reveal, and was somehow irked that it was obvious; that other people knowing or not knowing was out of his hands. But maybe he's just a control freak! He's relaxed a bit now.

[notcitrus]

"Thanks for telling me" if it looks like they've screwed up their courage at all, or just 'oh right'.

"No shit!" is the wrong response...

[BadgersArse]

dont do the" I always knew"
makes the person look stupid

[jellyjelly]

I personally wouldnt say 'so' or 'so what' or anything along those lines.

I came out to my colleague and she was gay and i was coming out full stop and she said 'congrats' it was lovely and what i needed at the time as even she hadnt guessed.

I think a polite thankyou and who are you seeing is nice and not too forward.

[MamaLazarou]

My response in the past has been: "Oh. Thanks for telling me. You seeing anyone?"

[Paolosgirl]

I kind of did that when we were talking about the Christmas do. I asked him if he was going to take his partner (gender neutral!), he said no, he'd have to find one first, and we laughed - then we left it at that.

[Tambajam]

I may be a bit weird here but if he is starting to blush and stammer a bit and it's maybe becoming a 'thing' I would attempt to have a conversation where I let him know I already 'know'. Nothing too heavy. Just mention relationships and partners and say 'they' when asking him a question about a prior relationship (assuming you are quite chatty and might discuss that type of thing). Just play the pronouns game enough to let him know you are not assuming a 'she' and it's not an issue.

[Paolosgirl]

Yes, I'm pretty sure that's what he was about to tell me, given the context of our conversation - the most recent occasion was when he had just been on equality and diversity training and was recounting how awkward he found it, was about to tell me why and then blushed and stopped.

He's quite shy, and is not openly gay like a lot of my colleagues, so I guess for him telling me is a big deal. I don't want to sound as if I'm dismissing him by sounding too disintersted, nor do I want to sound too intense iykwim!

OK hester - I won't tell him about the other people I know who are gay!

[Mintyy]

This has happened to me many times. I did Drama at University so of course there were queues forming re. coming out. But also my sister (at age 22) and brother (age 34) had this to deal with. I think you should take the news as if you hadn't known beforehand, are honoured that they feel close enough to trust you, but at the same time somehow reassure them that this is non-news in the nicest possible way. Not easy!

[Fennel]

I never guess, I have appalling gaydar. But I know quite a few people who are or have been bisexual as well so it gets unpredictable.