MIL doesn't ask, she tells

[Melyn]

So this is a bit of an odd post but I need to know if I'm right to be annoyed?

My MIL doesn't ask me to do things, she tells me I'm going to do it.

So for her birthday recently she travelled up North for a meal as most of her friends are from that area which is an hour away from my home. The plan was to have a meal and cocktails afterwards, I don't drink but I do like going out and chatting etc. So a few weeks ago she said to me "you can look after your SIL while I go out with FIL". So she didn't ASK me to look after her daughter, I was told to. I had my 2 year old with me anyways so I said fine and I dropped it and forgot about it until a few days ago where MIL said "on [date in November] clear your Saturday because you're going to help with SIL's 13th birthday by teaching her and her friends how to decorate cakes." Again, she did not ask if I would be willing to do this. I don't want to upset SIL and say no but I'm getting tired of MIL telling me to do things when she should ask me instead. I have my own life and my own child and I can think of 40 things I'd rather do than spend an afternoon with really loud teenagers teaching something I'm not comfortable teaching! Plus, I have a LOT of anxiety talking infront of people so I'm the WORST person to have do this.

Do I have the right to be annoyed? And how should I deal with it? Thank you x

[FinallyHere]

he gets annoyed that I'm always annoyed at something she does.

Why is he annoyed with you being annoyed, rather than her doing the annoying.

Could anything ever be more obviously victim blaming.

Repeating myself, sorry, but just say no. It will be such a relief to you & once you start, the more often do say no the better you will feel. Win win 😀

[AllStarBySmashMouth]

Of course YANBU. "No, MIL, I am not. I have other things on that day and I am not at your beck and call 24/7."

[Melyn]

Thanks everyone for the advice

[noroominthefridge]

Just say no. You are an adult. She doesn't own you and you aren't her slave to be bossed around.

[clarinstunic]

Seriously, you’ll Only have to say no about three times and listen to three rants and then she’ll learn.

I told my MIl that I was no longer going to do anything for anyone because I didn’t have any time. (She was telling her friends I’d do my job for them for free.) She sent a flurry of emails telling me to to this and that and how she’s already told people I would do x, y and z for them... I deleted the emails and ignored the phone.

Your MIL lives an hour away. Ignore her and she’ll find someone else to pick on, seriously. She’s using you because you won’t say no. Say no and she’ll find another slave within days. They always do

[TheRobinIsBobbingAlong]

If she says something like"I've already told them you'll do it, so tough" then you respond with "well you're just going to have to go back and say 'whoops, I should have checked with Melyn first because she can't do it'" add a small tinkly MN type laugh and walk away.

[OkayGo]

Just kidding, I definitely wouldn’t have the balls to do that. But I absolutely wouldn’t let anyone TELL me what I was doing. I would say I’ll have a check, or I’m sorry I’m busy.

[OkayGo]

I would up the ante with a ‘hahahahahhaa... nope’

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

She will carry on doing this until you start saying “No”, and meaning it. She will kick off/pile on the guilt, so you need to have your responses ready - “Sorry MIL, but you shouldn’t make promises on my behalf, without checking with me first. I will not be able to do X for you”

[cinders15]

No is a sentence
Just that
No
Then get up and move away while she is digesting this
Your time is just that - your time - nobody else's to do what THEY want with

[NorfolkRattle]

"I've already said you would, so tough." She's definitely relying on you feeling uncomfortable about this, on you being anxious about letting people down. Don't fall for it! If she has been arrogant enough and silly enough to make promises on your behalf then she can bloody well sort out any ensuing mess.

I'm reminded of years ago when my SIL decided that I would be babysitting her toddler while she went off for a nice shopping trip. She had mentioned it to my DH and he had reassured her it wouldn't be a problem! I was going through morning sickness and the last thing I wanted to be doing was to be looking after her toddler (inc changing his nappies). DH's entire family are overbearing and overentitled and I lacked (and still lack) confidence. I learned the hard way that if you don't put your foot down, people like this will carry on taking advantage. They should know that it is completely unacceptable, and they probably do know, but they don't care.

The answer is "No." Every single time she does this. "No." You don't have to make excuses or explain why you can't/don't want to do whatever it is, in fact it's better if you don't: by prolonging the discussion, you allow the overbearing person to beat you down.

[EcocabbyRickShaw]

Like other posters have said, you just have to start saying No. It gets easier with practice.
My MIL was like this and still tries it occasionally. It doesn't work though

[Melyn]

**ask me first and it's upsetting. MIL wanted me to do a presentation

[Melyn]

She's wanting 12 friends, a couple of them are nice kids and I don't mind their company but others are just rude (as some teenagers are). I'm not sure if I'm meant to be doing it on my own or if MIL is helping but it's being held in a hall and DH was going to stay home and look after DS while I'm off doing it which isn't ideal. It's my SIL I don't want to upset with all this, I'd gladly put up with 40 screaming teenagers if it made her happy (I love her to pieces) but nobody ever thinks to ask me and it's upsetting. She wanted me to do a presentation on my native language to a group of children a couple of years ago and she didn't ask then. I said I didn't want to do it and she said "I've already said you would, so tough." Thankfully there was a LOT of snow so I wasn't able to go. I hate public speaking. DH feels the same as me, but the amount of times I have to ask him to speak to his Mum about something I'm unhappy with is ridiculous and he gets annoyed that I'm always annoyed at something she does.

[clarinstunic]

How does she know that you don’t get up to much? How does she know what you do at all?

Stop giving her j formation. If your H is doing it, tell him to stop gossiping about you.

Just say no, you have plans.

Plans are watching tv and eating chocolate but she doesn’t know that!)

[user1493413286]

It’s rude for definite but you’ll only stop but by saying no every so often if it’s not something you want to do

[Windydaysuponus]

Write these demands down and pass the paper to dh.
Block her number and let him deal with her.

[lunicorn]

This reminds me of Nessa putting on Gwen in Gavin and Stacey.
You need to say no, and if you don't like drama just make it a light conversation.
It's not very nice of your DH to allow this to continue.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

"clear your Sunday".. wtf? "your're going to help with.." Sounds like a reincarnated Margaret Thatch.

Your post said " I'm getting tired of MIL telling me to do things when she should ask me instead. I have my own life and my own child and I can think of 40 things I'd rather do than spend an afternoon with really loud teenagers teaching something I'm not comfortable teaching! "

Now you need to say the same back to her.

I get that there is a bit of blackmail in here.. its a favour for SIL and she knows you wouldn't want to upset a 13 year old. So talk to SIL.
But YOU ARE NOT HER SLAVE. You don't have to say yes. for example
"I cannot comment on this request as you haven't given me enough information." How many kids, does sil actually want this (she may hate the idea) how much will it cost, how long is the party do you have to cater as well. Is she helping or dumping it all on you. Is DH expected to participate (he'd better!!) who will look after your DC when all this baking is going on?
What a lazy cheapskate. Why can't she just run her own daughter's birthday party? Ask her that! Ask sil if she'd like a cinema party or skating party or something and offer to come along as a helper, but not a host.
Also. When she puts you on the spot because your time has no value. DO NOT be pressured into giving a list of what you are doing so that she can brush these activities aside, say. "I'm not giving you a list to justify what I'm doing... that would be ridiculous!!.. the offer doesn't suit me. Thanks"
You have her measure. This means you can think ahead of ways to combat this. What is your DH's opinion of all this? Use all the mumsnet sayings.. they work.

[newname25432]

My in-laws often do this they tell rather than ask. However, most of the family just answer as if it was a question. 'Sorry we are busy that day' etc. I found it annoying at first but I'm more use to it now.

[FlyingSquid]

I had a sudden flashback to a pushy friend years ago who knew I was at home with my child, so didn't see why I couldn't have hers for free too.

I found myself saying, 'Oh god no, it's a miracle I manage to keep one child alive, let alone extras.'

That seemed to do the trick.

[FawnDrench]

Where is your DH in all this - it's his mother after all!

[Aquamarine1029]

Nothing is ever going to change until you start acting like an adult and not a child. Tell her NO, that doesn't work for me, and repeat as necessary. If she gets upset, so be it.

[FinallyHere]

that would have been lovely, so sorry it won't be possible."

the "because I don't want to" is silent.

Seriously, nip this in the bud.

No excuses, excuses just give people something g to argue against. Maintain your boundaries, keep it up and in ten (or maybe twenty) years she might show some grudging respect. Much better than dancing to her tune for twenty years, she will definitely not respect you for giving in

It may not be easy, but it is very simple.

[Windydaysuponus]

Does she text these demands?