?I don't discuss AS with my DP. Nor do I point out things that he does that are typically AS - I find it just makes things worse because DP then starts thinking 'I am weird' or worse 'she thinks I am weird' and then all communication channels just dissolve.
What is working is turning in such a way that it is appealing to his sense of duty, the one that says he is supposed to be a good dad and to do his best for his dc.?
?I don't know if this would help but I brought up the subject of AS with my DH by showing him a list of AS traits (without any AS title initially) and asking him if they sounded like him. I then said there was an 'interesting' quiz about these characteristics and that I'd scored 5 (which I think got him curious).... and then I linked to the AQ test via the Cambridge Uni page (i.e. seems more Expert).
aq.server8.org/ AQ test ?
?My DH has been officially diagnosed, but he still will not do any research for himself, just relies on me finding things out for him.
I have to do all the research and he will sometimes listen, especially if it is positive advice, anything he deems as too negative he thinks does not apply to him.
As for gaps in general knowledge, a big yes, yes here. Again, my DH is very good at numbers and when he plays his complicated computer games he always remembers where items etc are, but things I think of as general knowledge that most reasonably intelligent people would know is completely off his radar.?
?Yes to dhs retreating from celebrations. I no longer expect dh to help but it would be nice if he could refrain from the monotonous refrain 'I don't know why you are bothering' and 'Can't dd do it herself'. Grrrrrr. I ENJOY party preparations but it would be so much nicer with some encouragement rather than the constant condemnation.?
?What you say about children disguised as adults rings very true but they are also mature adults, to me it feels like another instance of severe lopsidedness eg being fantastically skilled at using technology and unable to adjust back pack handles.
DP says when he is stressed he becomes much more Autistic. I often have to remind myself it's hurting him more than me but can still be very very tough to cope with. I use analogies in my head like if someone was having an epileptic fit and lashed out and broke your nose it wouldn't be in any way intentional but you'd still have a broken nose!?
?I can't think of the right term but you know the thing about people with Aspergers not telling you things because they assume you already know (which certainly leads to a lot of difficult situations round here).
What I need to remember is this. DP is a good, kind, mature person and has this specific impairment so if he is acting in a bad, unkind, immature way a) there is probably some vital fact I don't know and b) he may be feeling really awful inside but due to lack of speaking body language it's not showing on his face.?
?What shit we have to put up with, and sorry that everything is so hard for all of us.
There can be snowdrops under the gloom though and it is possible to train your aspie.?
?I know now that it is not my fault, but for the sake of my children, it is my responsibility to do something about it. Whereas I used to feel guilty and not know why due to confusion and bewilderment, I now know that for the most part I have behaved "well". My dc unfortunately, still feel the "bewildered guilt" and it is my job to teach/show/reassure them otherwise.?
?I did this before I realised that DH was aspie, before I knew anything about AS, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. And you need to accept that everyone reverts to type, under stress, AS or not. Quite a lot was the stuff my parents had taught me, and yes, sometimes I do feel like s mother or a carer. I prefer to think of the latter as if DH were an amputee I would care and make allowances, so I have to in this case. But this is something I have only realised recently. Before the last few years I thought I was being condescending, manipulative and deceitful rather than providing the security and framework he needs.
I taught him to behave acceptably with people he didnt know. If people are coming to our house, I give him defined jobs and timing to help prepare. I make him open the door and take coats, and told him what to say, hello, smile, take coat, he doesn't need to start a conversation then, they may do it. He goes round with the drink a few times and can then disappear.
If we are going to a dinner, and it is not his friends, I brief him, remind him who they are, interests, likely topics of conversation they could raise, elephant traps, and we discuss what topics we could raise. Useful with the rellies too.
When we used to go to balls, I taught him how to invite people to dance and what to say and then have a get out clause.
I have taught him to assume responsibility for getting the washing done and dried, filling up the car, emptying the dishwasher, occasionally when prompted changing sheets, checking we have enough bread, milk and eggs in the house and the dog is fed.
I make lists of household tasks to be done, chuncked up into smaller bits.
What you have to understand is that spontaneity and intuition does not come into this. They are indeed frightening for him. So the more you can make this predictable and achievable, the easier it is.
And if you can associate some of this with a 1950's style demarcation, the easier it is too. I fought against that for many years but have now accepted it makes him happier.
So it looks more like a traditional marriage from the outside.?
?I organised couple counselling last year and the counsellor didn't take my frustration seriously at all. She asked DH if he thought he had Aspergers and predictably he said no. So she then told me the reason I was finding things hard to cope with was because I was a control freak who wouldn't let poor DH step up and take some responsibility. I was so desperate for him to do that but he's so unreliable over hugely important things that I just take it all on. She just didn't get it. So I stopped going and we broke up.?
?I would say that it is the parenting that is almost solely responsible for my marital stress with dh. Any other disagreement can often be disguised as something other but usually comes down to differing opinions or approaches on how to deal with the dc. Dh regularly accuses me of undermining his parenting/not giving him space to parent/not giving his parenting time to take effect, but I seriously find his parenting is unreasonable (not just different to how I might do it but actually off the rails, draconian, Victorian, bullying, treating the dc as though they were put here to be our servants). I observe a lot of his parenting as being about him, his feelings, and what he needs doing for his satisfaction, not what the dc may need or want. And discipline again is often a means to vent his anger, disappointment, impatience and anxiety brought about by their behaviour, becoming a punishment rather than an authoratative instruction to guide and restrain their behaviour in the future..?
