Let go and move on as a family of 3

[Howluckyiamtobehismummy]

Hello, I’ve been a lurker of this page for a while and just needed to offload I guess. My backstory is that I have a wonderful little boy who is 3.5 years old. He is our entire world and I’m so lucky to have him after we had fertility treatment to conceive him.

This year we have sadly lost 2 babies. A TFMR at the start of the year at 16 weeks and a miscarriage at 8 weeks in the summer. I have spent most of the last 5 years trying to conceive, being pregnant or deep in grief from losing babies and I’m desperate to close the door on this chapter and move forward with our lives as a 3.

The thing that stops me doing this is this constant sadness that my boy will be lonely and I’m cheating him out of a sibling by not trying again. I’m 40 now and I know that it’s not impossible to be pregnant and deliver a healthy baby at my age but the fear of something happening again holds me and my husband back too. I had horrendous anxiety during the second pregnancy in the summer and spent nearly every day in constant stress that something would go wrong which it sadly did and I don’t know if I could go through that again.

My husband wants us to close the chapter now and says he loves our life as a 3 and just wants me to be happy and mentally healthy after such trauma this year. I also want this to but this never ending worry of my son being lonely holds me back. I know this is not true as he has a fantastic relationship with cousins on both sides of our family, has lots of friends at preschool and is best friends with our neighbours child so why can’t I shake this feeling?

If I’m honest, I don’t want another baby. I don’t want newborn sleepless nights or have a real yearning for another baby but I do want my son to have someone to share his life with and support each other later in life.

This post is more for me to try and get out what I’m bottling up and try to understand if it’s just me or anyone else has had this feeling before. I should also add I know how incredibly fortunate I am to have a healthy happy child and never take that for granted when many are desperate for one child so apologies if it comes across as ungrateful.

[Emma543]

so sorry to hear about everything you have gone / are going through for another baby.

I also have one child and have been going through the debate of one or two. If you feel done with it that’s absolutely fine but I’m the same as you in that I always said I wanted two so I suppose I just feel guilty. But I try to remember that some siblings really never get along and you never know what type of relationship they will have!

xx

[DarkForces]

I had a lot of heartbreak and interventions on the way to dd. Once she arrived I felt under pressure to try for dd2 quickly as I'd only be fertile for a short time thanks to my condition. I decided to focus on enjoying her as much as I could and 12 years later I can tell you we have the loveliest life together as a 3. Today we went for a meal out and to the theatre together and just chatted and there didn't feel for a moment there was anyone missing. No one can make the decision for you, but a lot of it for me was just deciding to enjoy the child I had and give them the best of me.

It can be a fantastic life for you all if you choose to make the best of it. Good luck.

[Howluckyiamtobehismummy]

Thank you so much @DarkForces fior sharing this. I loved reading how lovely your relationship is with your daughter and that life can be fantastic if we choose to let it be, whatever our family size. Thank you for sharing x

[Howluckyiamtobehismummy]

@Emma543 you are right there is absolutely no guarantee they would get on and I’ve known friends who have no relationships with their siblings. I’m sorry to hear you are having a similar mental/physical struggle. Sending love to you x

[DarkForces]

I'm glad it gave you some reassurance. I wish you the very best whatever you decide.

[Ibex22]

We have one by choice. It's great for so many reasons. I used to feel guilty when mine was younger (now 9 yrs old) but I've let that go now.

Sure it's nice for them to have a sibling close in age to play with when they're young. Although this doesn't always work out and many siblings fight. Adult sibling relationships can be difficult too.

I say enjoy what you have any the many perks of just having one child 👍

[Muthaofcats]

I would never change having more than one child and know what a privilege it is , BUT my friends with only one child seem to have a much much easier life. Two is a total game changer, it’s so much harder. It’s also not a given that you are giving your son a friend. Lots of siblings I know can’t stand one another. I think you are arguably able to give him more attention and nurture and time as a singleton. Nothing to stop you having lots of friends at the house etc or go to lots of groups and clubs etc.

[ringmybe11]

We're both older having met later in life (now 40 and 48) and our DS is 17 months. We agreed to try for 1 which we now have and we haven't doubted our decision to not have another ever. We both have siblings so do feel a bit sad for him that it's something he won't ever experience but we don't want to go through it all again and there's no guarantee we could have another anyway as I was 38 when I conceived DS. We will be able to focus all of our love, attention and finances on him which we think is a massive bonus. Selfishly we are also managing to maintain our own hobbies albeit less regularly, which gives us identities of our own on top of being parents.

[Tinkeytonkoldfruit]

I always say this on threads like this but I genuinely believe I'm a better parent for having an only, it allows me to be more patient and present. I love our little threesome and we work to enaure my DD has lots of friends, she has two friends who she has known since a baby who are more like siblings/cousins.

In your situation I think your child will want a healthy (emotional and physically) parent rather than the possibility of a sibling they can play with and may have a relationship as an adult. If you were to have another child now, your eldest would be at least 4.5 years older so won't necessarily play much together anyway. I think your DH is probably right and moving forward, including counselling to deal with the trauma you've experience is a good idea.

[Howluckyiamtobehismummy]

@Tinkeytonkoldfruit you are right in my son needing a happy and healthy mummy more and to be honest I’ve really not felt either of those things this year. I agree that closing the door on this would be helped by counselling and I’ve got my first session booked at the end of January so hopefully this might help me to let go.

@ringmybe11 thats also so true about having more time to explore my own hobbies and interests. My husband and I have a lovely balance at the minute of spending time with our son as a family but we also pursue our own interests and I know having another baby would only make this more challenging.

@Muthaofcats thank you for sharing that and being so honest. I am sure two children would take up so much more of me mentally and physically and I’m not sure I’m in the right space. A friend of mine said to me once that the guilt I have for my son not having a sibling is nothing compared to the guilt I’d feel if I had to constantly split my time or he wasn’t getting the attention he is used to having from us both.

@Ibex22 thank you for your reply. I think you are right there are so many perks to having one child and I really genuinely hope to be able to start prioritising these over the one thing that holds me back, this fear of him being lonely. He certainly isn’t at the moment and if we continue to encourage his friendships and play dates in the future I would hope that he never will be.

Thank you so much everyone. It has helped so much to share this and it feels easier to share here than to friends who don’t always understand x

[garlictwist]

All the only children I know have great family relationships, both the children and those that are now adults. My husband is an only child and so close to his mum. We have chosen not to have kids but if we did we would have one as I think it's a dynamic that works really well.

[Dizzy82]

I only have one child, he's just turned 18 and we get on so well, we go to a lot of concerts and festivals together. It's been challenging as he has ASD and I've often thought about what it would be like if he had a sibling. A couple of weeks ago he came back from a friends house and said he's glad he doesn't have a sibling at it would be a nightmare sharing his room!