Guilt

[MsBattenburg]

My situation is: I have a 1 year old, I'm a single mum, I have absolutely no intention of having a second: I can't afford two lots of nursery fees, I had a difficult pregnancy, I almost died during labour & can't afford to do something as risky as getting pregnant when DS1 needs me, and I don't think I could mentally handle the newborn stage again.

But I feel soooo guilty. My mum was an only child and she goes on and on about how lonely she was and how she felt her parents didn't love her because they never had another after her. Can someone tell me honestly if there are negative psychological or social effects on children who grow up without siblings? Am I being selfish?

Hi OP
Just came across your post. So sorry to hear about your traumatic pregnancy and birth.
I don't have any personal experience of being an only child as I've got an older brother, but I have 3 cousins who were only children in their families and they've never had any negative psychological or social impact because of it (that I'm aware of).
It is upsetting that your mum had a lonely childhood as an only child, but that doesn't mean that your son will have the same experience. Do you take him to toddler groups, playgroups, nursery? Children get so much stimulation from these environments.
Your mum might be upset at the fact she won't be having any more grandchildren (does she have any other grandchildren from your siblings at all?) but this is YOUR decision. No need to feel guilty at all!

You are not being selfish but I think that your mum's reasoning is very self centred. Maybe her parents couldn't afford a second? Maybe her mother struggled with pregnancy? Maybe they didn't have time or energy got a second because they had other concerns like caring for elderly parents? Maybe they had fertility issues or stuck with one because they found parenting difficult?

Money is a very good reason not to have a second and is probably the main consideration for most families. I am a single parent too so understand your attitude towards financial stability and risk. Your son won't be lonely if he has friends and family in his life and thanks to your money, you will be able find clubs and hobbies where he can meet other kids.

I assume that you have siblings so would agree that there are pros and cons to having a sibling. Your mum has an idealised vision of someone who would have played with her and supported her as an adult when the reality is often very different and possibly only seeing them at Christmas.

Don't feel guilty. There are many upsides to being an only.

Never could stand my brother. Always wished I was an only.

that said, im in a similar position to you and feel the guilt too! It’s social conditioning I think.

I'm an only and love it!!

Only child here. I really didn’t care as a child and now growing up that I still am. My mother was the same. I would advise to make sure they have plenty of friends who live near by (I liked so close to like six friends). You do what’s right for you. I’m also planning on just the one as I’m in the same boat.

Hi I have an only child and going through the mum guilt as friends and family have 2+ siblings and he has recently asked about a brother or a sister. We had a conversation about and he is content without. I am able to work part time and fund his clubs and take him on holidays and have friends and family over so not missing out.

My child was prem and I almost died giving birth so made the decision to stop at 1 but now and then the thought does come into my mind. Your not alone!