Second child dilema

[PowerthruIT]

Hi everyone

I am really tearing myself up inside on the decision to try for another child or not with my DH. We currently have a DD, just over 2yrs old and she is healthy and generally a well behaved toddler, sleeps well etc. We were always keen on having a second child, but I we are starting to think/worry how this will impact our relationship and just looking around at friends and colleagues who have two (or more) children - they appear to be more a functional relationships and do appear to be a bit like passing ships, and certainly their weekends simply revolve completely around the kids. There are also more than a few that have separated since the second child.

I compare this to us currently, and close friends with one child, and things just seem more balanced between adult time together, occasional nights away together (Mum in law is great help), and getting away on family holidays are easier and just generally a better balance between parenthood and still being a happy couple.

However we cannot get rid of this burning guilt that we should at least try for a second to give our little one a sibling relatively close in age, and that we are just being selfish. This stems from a lot of the cliches you hear about one child being lonely, spoilt etc etc.

Appreciate any shared experiences, thoughts and advice.

[WeightoftheWorld]

Can't really give you advice, I'd just say if you happy to stick with one then do and if you want another then go for it! Which isn't helpful!

Our life was already very child centred with just one DC tbh as we didn't have anyone to babysit for us to go out or away or anything anyway. And weekends were already mostly spent as a family doing things suitable for DC1. So I don't feel our lifestyle changed much after having DC2.

Juggling work has been more difficult with two because DC2 was ill literally every other week over this past winter. I had just started a new job too who were being pretty inflexible so juggling the time off was stressful. Especially as then you also have DC1's few illnesses plus me and DH ourselves. Luckily DH's employer were super understandable and he has a generous annual leave entitlement. He used I think about 2/3rds of last year's holiday entitlement on the kids being sick though.

House is also much messier and difficult to get on top of and laundry same. This has calmed down over the last few weeks I'd say. I'd say reaching a settled period has taken longer with a second child too. Like I'd say we felt quite sorted by 18m with DC1 whereas DC2 is 21m and I only just feel like that now. If you can buy in help for cleaning etc though that wouldn't be an issue but we can't afford it really.

My two have 3 and a quarter years between them and absolutely adore each other which is gorgeous. We love being a family of four and we are even now considering trying to add a DC3 a bit later on.

[rootsandwings89]

I must admit, going from 1 - 2 is ALOT harder than just having 1. Less sleep, less money, double the juggling of bath, bedtime, cooking, laundry etc.

I'd say if you can't get the thought out your head, it's the universe trying to tell you something! We decided to have a 2nd baby after 4 years of saying we'd never have another, 2 years later we're very happy we did.

Good luck whatever you decide OP x

[fireflyloo]

I have 1 and it's great. I agree with your observations about those with 2 or more, especially in the early days (then teen years). One is the best of both worlds. I get the joy of being a parent, and being the best parent I can be along with having a great relationship with my dh, a career, social life, keeping fit and travelling. I have lots of free time now dd is 12, though we do lots together too!

[drpet49]

Everyone I know says it is far easier with 2 than 1

[mumofboys8787]

I think you need to look further into the future as well as the immediate impact of having another child. There's absolutely no doubt that having more than one child brings a lot of challenges, no need for me to list them all here as you already know what they are, but the benefit really lies as they grow up. They have a friend to play with, holidays are easier when you have more than one child as they entertain each other, ditto at home, they can play with each other and grow up with each other. I'd love to be the parent who enjoys playing Lego but the reality is that I'm not, so I appreciate that the boys have each other to keep company and don't require constant input from me. That's really the main takeaway for me when I look at single child families. It seems to revolve a lot around entertainment for the child because if they don't have friends around then it's all on the parents.

Personally i feel like if you're not sure, you need to give it a go. I don't think anyone truly regrets having another child but I think if you don't try you'll always wonder what if.

[Hotgoose]

I think if you’re unsure, if you’re not all in totally 100% want another baby, if you don’t feel that urge to have a baby like you did for your first then don’t have one just because you feel that you should or because 2 children is the “norm”

[shakeitoffsis]

It's all relative isn't it. I have a 4 year old and 10 month old. Going from 1-2 was absolutely easy, no dramas at all! Yes it's juggling 2 different needs but mine was just turned 3 when baby sis was born and she has been a brilliant help. Old enough to understand not to squeeze them to death too. It obviously helps that baby has slept 12/13 hours straight pretty much since 10 weeks old every night lol.

[kikisparks]

People do regret having children but it’s understandably taboo…

I would say have the number of children that you (and your DH) want, not the number that you think will benefit your child because:

a) your second child shouldn’t be created purely to be a companion for your first and

b) there’s no guarantee they’ll get on anyway and

c) the cliches about only children are just that- sure, some children are lonely, sure, some children are spoilt but family size doesn’t seem to be determinative of that as most contemporary studies don’t find any notable disadvantages for children from one child families.

We’re one and done with a wonderful DD, the advantages are many and I hope we can alleviate the disadvantages with care and thought about social opportunities and reducing any burden she feels about us as we age.

[WeightoftheWorld]

@drpet49

Everyone I know says it is far easier with 2 than 1

How does that work? Genuinely. I can see if you have a small age gap maybe when the youngest is 3 they might be good pals and help amuse each other, but the flip side of that is all the fighting and competition and whatnot.

I love my two and DC1 does help keep DC2 entertained some of the time but it's definitely not easier than just having DC1 on their own, even though they're the more difficult of the two in general (in terms of personality as a baby etc). Two is less sleep than with one, two is more mess than with one, two is more laundry, two is obviously more expensive, two is having to split up a lot one parent with each one rather than spending more time as a 3 or the other parent being freed up to do housework or shopping or laundry or the other parent being freed up for some me time. So its harder to get any of that stuff done. Definitely not easier than just one.

[Mrkipplingslice]

I think of this sometimes though my dc is still under 1 so I feel no rush to decide. At the moment I think my main reason for ever wanting another stems from the societal expectation of 2+, which is the feeling I got from your post too. In many other places, 1 is more ‘normal’ than 2. If you were from one of those places, would you still want another child?

[mammaofmany]

Having a second child was the best decision we made. Our youngest is 2 now and they already play together. In general as a family 2 has brought more fun and laughter into the house.

BUT my experience might not be the same as others. I love the baby stage. Both my births were straightforward and both babies were pretty chilled, so we carried on socialising, just with a baby strapped to us. And our eldest was obsessed with their new sibling straight away and loves to help.

With all that said. It is harder in some ways and easier in others. For me, I find the hard things (more washing, more cleaning, more cooking etc) is easily balanced by the fact we can go anywhere because they entertain each other - it takes the pressure off.

[PeggyPoggle]

@drpet49

Everyone I know says it is far easier with 2 than 1

Everyone I know says the opposite.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

I find 2 easier in terms of they have eachother. I don’t feel obliged to be my child’s entertainment, to eat with them. Adult time is the same with 1 child as with 2- I leave my husband with 2 children to go to the gym, I take two children out so he can watch football- what’s the difference?!
however the washing is more, the homework is more, the tidying is more.

[Ifyouarehappyandyouknowit123]

We have two girls, they are two and four. It is so so lovely. The first year was difficult, but now it is great. They keep each other entertained and always play together. No regrets at all.

[stopiwanttogetofff]

Don't do it stick with one 😭

[Wenfy]

I had one for ages thinking I couldn’t have any more. My life for years was spent searching for activities for dd to do so she wouldn’t be left out, asking for playdates (and, humiliatingly, chasing them when the mums clearly ignored me). I was so bad I developed a bit of a reputation as a pushy parent at dd’s nursery and many parents gave me a wide berth.

When DS was born (there’s a huge age gap) everything was just easier. DD adores him and loves to spend time with him even when he’s being annoying. I don’t feel this burning responsibility to find him a playmate as he has her to an extent.

[Ragwort]

How can it possibly be easier with two than one? Yes, I get they might play together (if they get on) but surely everything else will be harder, not to mention finances, pressure on time etc etc.
We have one (by choice) he's 22 now and have never regretted it for one second. We have been able to provide a much more comfortable lifestyle than if we had more than one .. yes, I know that is not essential but it makes life easier and pleasanter ... just being able to support hobbies, not worry about the cost of school trips, contributing to Uni etc etc. and our DS has always known that earning his own money is important .. has done part time jobs since he was 13 & started with a paper round.
Totally unprompted our DS said to us last week (he had now finished Uni) that he knows how fortunate he is to have a supportive family, he mentioned friends who had never had family visit at Uni, gone into overdraft as the DPs couldn't make up the maintenance loan etc etc. And he's never had any problem making friends, has a wide circle of friends, meets new people everywhere- helps that he is confident and outgoing etc.
And my own life (& DH's) has been 'easier' .. we have time for hobbies and interests, I don't know how people find the emotional energy to cope with more than one DC .. obviously I know people do (both DH and I come from larger than average families) at the same time we are not obsessive parents to an only DC .. we've raised him to be independent .. if he chooses to move abroad for work or whatever we would be happy for him.

[Vinoveritass]

Same answer as @Ragwort , though our ds is only 8 so we can't make the same long term assessment. But so far we feel it was the right decision and there are no issues really, but lots of positives. We sometimes ponder on what a hypothetical second would be like and how ds would find having a sibling. I can see we have potentially missed something special in that sense, though only if they were to get on! But we've definitely missed the extra stress, work, cost and restrictions from having two and I'm grateful for that. We have quite a relaxed family life and both manage to do things for ourselves, as a couple and family orientated. I have seen the impact of two on friends, there is a lot more strain for them generally. They seem to co exist side by side as parents. If your relationship is strong I'm sure you can survive that, as long as you're happy to delay the point where you get more freedom again. We are happy we didn't put that strain on us, as neither of us wanted a second so there was consensus on that level and I have been honest with myself that I'm not a mum who thrives on chaos. I have enjoyed passing an age/phase and knowing that's it, done, unlike some who are.desperate to stay in that young children phase.
Also there are definitely more single children around these days so it isn't as obviously a thing as it used to be.

[Tinklyheadtilt]

@PeggyPoggle

Everyone I know says the opposite.

Agree.