Clearly failing as a mum to an only!

[dontknowhow2help]

My child’s (she’s 3.5) key worker at preschool wrote that we should ‘encourage a variety of peer interactions’ on the portal for parents. I need to speak to her to understand what she means but it’s hit a nerve, having been so unsure about being OAD until a year ago (now I’m 42 so too late even if I changed my mind) and we moved into a new village with very few kids her age just 18 months ago, amongst lockdowns.

We have no young family members in the country. My daughter has one best friend she goes to school with and we have lots of play dates outside of that together. The village mums group (less than 10 mums) is not really that active, it’s still pretty new and most mums have 3 kids so it’s a completely different dynamic. We love seeing her bestie (who is the mum’s only child; there is a non live-in half sister on her dad’s side) as it’s so easy being two mums with their only kids the same age!

My daughter is such a loving, caring and gentle person and goes to school 3x a week precisely for peer interaction, and I was under the impression she was thriving there.

I am now being so hard on myself for not having play dates with multiple others. As drop-offs have been in lockdown people have just gone to drop their child off, nobody really stays and chats. I’m a working mum too so not much free time. Why do I feel so defensive?! But even more so, I feel guilty.

You're being too hard on yourself, don't be

Agreed. And don't ask the nursery worker what she means by that. Just relax and enjoy your daughter.

Goodness, I think you are being really hard on yourself. Nursery haven’t said she is lacking in these areas. They need to set developmental targets and what they have written sounds completely appropriate for a 3.5 y.o child, wether they are an only or one of ten.

She has a friend and goes to school which is good. However, being dependent on one friend could be problematic - what if they fall out or no longer want to be friends? There aren't any other children around to make new friends with.

I know you've only just moved but you may want to consider moving to somewhere where there are more children. I imagine this will be more of an issue as she gets older.

Your projecting! All 3.5 year olds need to work on sir social skills.

The preschool is in the village, but mainly the kids live in the next village. Moving isn't an option, we are in our forever home. I just thought things would pick up next year when she goes to big school, didn't think I'd need to worry about it as much now. She's shy to start, but then quite extrovert.

Thanks for all the replies

Just relax op. Sounds fine.

Also yes she has one best friend, who's situation mirrors ours which makes it easier, but is constantly cheating about several of her other friends at school - she goes more often than her fried me so does have time with others.

*chatting not cheating

Bedtime for me... I meant "more often than her friend..."

Well that’s why she goes to pre-school. Everything’s going to be just fine.

I think you are reading far too much in to this! Remember, at 3.5 years old, many, many first born children will not yet have siblings - and for those that do, most of them would be babies that wouldn't be old enough to play in any meaningful way.

After reading your updates, it honestly sounds fine. She socialises at school and you make an effort with her friend's mum so she can socialise outside of school. There are children in the next village so it's not as though her and her friend are isolated with no other children anywhere nearby. You're doing everything you can.

She is three. It will come with time. Try to be kind to yourself.

FWIW, my only child had no friends at all at three and is now 15, very sociable and has a lovely group of kind and supportive friends.

My DS didn't have much interaction with other children outside of preschool. He's an only. He's 14 now and the chattiest, most sociable teen you'll ever meet.

Ignore it! She's at pre-school, she should be encouraged there to have 'peer interactions'!

I'm an only and so is my dd. We both have no problems talking to people and making friends. When she was tiny I had pnd and a whole lot of other family problems so, apart from school/nursery she didn't have any play dates or meetings with friends. She's turned out fine, although is swiftly becoming a moody pre-teen with me, but is an Angel with others!

I really think the nursery worker simply had to write some sort of target for their box ticking.
That phrase sounds like the sort of thing that would be written for a child who is generally thriving in all areas.
You're doing great.

really dont worry about it- it's nursery!
I will say though, dont do playdates only with families that mirror yours.

The most frequent playdate we do is me with my 2, a woman with 1 and a woman with 3- it doesnt matter as long as the kids get on.

Wow - be kind to yourself!

Your daughter will be fine. A target is just that - just a target. It doesn’t indicate a failing. It’s something to work on in future.

She will be fine. Stop beating yourself up.
Enjoy your daughter and be confident in your choices.

Two of the three years of your daughter's life will have been spent in lockdown, like all children of her age it is being reported that they are very understandably not as socially confident, and the special friendship she has seems to bring her lots of happiness!

The nursery worker is simply noting their friendship and encouraging many more different friends, which will come with time. It is nothing that you have done wrong. Far from it, your child appears to be doing very well, and they have nothing more to write. Perhaps arrange a little nursery tea party one day if you feel you need to do something, otherwise just continue parenting her as well as you have. She is not at a disadvantage from being an only, and I wonder if that is what is behind this? You worry about a lack of siblings, but honestly it won't make a jot of difference. Your dd will have great friendships and lots of love and attention from you. I have asked my dds to consider having an only child when they grow up, as it will allow them to continue their careers, costs will be manageable and the strain of having many children is harder than most of us care to admit.

My dd was like your dd, she always had one special friend, despite my efforts to encourage her to diversify, and she is still the same now at 14! Although she does have a very solid group of girls, she still has just one that she is very close to. I put it down to the fact that we have a very strong bond, and she looks for meaningful relationships with other people - she is drawn to deeper friendships that have real connection. She always tells me she feels secure with a special friend that she can always turn to and trust, which is fair enough, how can I argue with that?!

Be happy, your dd sounds very content, and you are doing a great job.

Thank you so much for these kind and supportive comments. I will save this thread for future reference 

Spoke to the teacher who told me she gravitates towards the same 3 kids, 2 of whom are leaving for school this year so teacher is aiming to expand her friendship group a bit! @Swayingpalmtrees I love what you said about seeking meaningful relationships ❤️

Working on removing the chip on my shoulder about having an only - especially when I know it's the best for our family!