Only one child, not a proper family

[Whowillsaveyoursoul]

We have ds (5) who we had no problems conceiving.
However for whatever reason we have been unable to have any more children and even several rounds of fertility treatment have failed.

I'm so sad about it, I had Pnd after ds so wasted the very early days and ds was a high needs demanding toddler. Now he's 5 and I feel like he doesn't need me much anymore. I was a sahm but after the fertility treatment failed went back to work which felt again like closing the book on another baby.

I need to let it go but don't know how. I don't feel like a real family, I see FB pictures of people with several children and people comment 'lovely family' but I never put any of my 'family' up because it feels like we're importers, not a real family, inferior.
I tend to be quite negative about ds and I know I need to stop. I just feel like everyone must look at my 'family' and think 'who are they kidding?' I frequently feel like we are three strangers who happen to share a house.

I'm just waiting all the time for things to get better but they don't.

[CakeInMyFace]

Firstly, I think it's really unfair to give the OP a hard time over multiple threads. Possibly she needs support and is going round in circles. I do hope OP gets some professional support, but she obviously finds posting helpful and supportive and if that gets her through another day then that's better than the alternative.

I'm struggling massively at the moment myself, we have been undgeroing tests and there is a real possibility we may never have another ourselves after my recent diagnosis. Saying that, going through this makes me cherish my DD all the more. She is nearly 3.5 and I love her more than I ever thought possible to love another human being.

I try to separate my emotions from her and keep them private between myself and my DH, and talk things through with friends and family who are very supportive.

For me, I try to focus on all the lovely things about being a 3 - extra meals out, lots of time together reading stories, playing games, cuddles in bed in the morning, being able to afford holidays, etc etc. All of this helps. And you ARE a family. I have a friend who has no children, she calls her famiy her DP and the mates they live with. Families come in all shapes and sizes. I have absolutely terrible moments I just find all of the above helps me get through it. And your little boy needs you so much.

I read something that helped me alot too - you have greater responsibility to the child you have then to the one who doesn't exist yet.

I hope you are feeling better OP and that you have a lovely Christmas with your very special family of 3.

[Rtfairy]

We have 1 lovely DC, from the moment we had her we have been a family. We may have more dc in the future we may not. But I certainly don't feel as if anything is missing at the moment.

[Azzurro]

I must say that was really where I was while we were going through the fertility treatments, I could barely breath at the idea of just being 3! After thousands of £, many days spent recovering emotionally and physically I could not really see the point of continuing that way, but I continued....until one day my hubby, out of the nothing said "enough" and there I was, felt the weight lift of my heart!
Have you and your husband/partner spoke about being happy as 3? Sometimes it takes 2, those very same 2 who made the 3 happens! Afterall it was 2 before 3 (sorry use numbers a lot)
Good luck,I hopeyou will find peace x

[Nydj]

Sorry, I didn't realise.

[MaudantWit]

You're right, Ehric. I wouldn't have posted if I had known that this was a repetition of earlier threads.

I do hope the OP gets some professional help in real life.

[EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh]

Folks, please don't indulge this thread. I'm not being unkind but this poster is obsessed with this notion and has suicidal thoughts and believes that she is unnecessary to her child. She can't be helped by an Internet thread and repeating the same threads with the same advice over and over is just feeding her obsessional thought processes. She needs professional help, not the kind of help mumsnet can give. I'm going to report this, not because I think she's a troll but because I think these threads are doing no good and maybe harm.

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

Your thinking sounds quite warped, like you've decided this is the narrative and that's it. Well some of what you have said just isn't true particularly the bit about boys not being as close to their families.

You might be a good candidate for CBT where a counsellor will help you to address negative thoughts and incorrect narratives? Until you rewrite the story in your head you're going to continue to struggle with this.

[OddFodd]

Are you the poster who's posted about this several times before? You've used the same turn of phrase.

I'm sorry you didn't find the GP much help. APs won't change the situation, no, but they may help you get to a place where you feel better about things. You are depressed and you need to do something to drag yourself out of the hole you're in.

[Nydj]

OP, this thread is one that has helped a lot of parents in your situation. It's not a cure but may help as a small stepping stone to acceptance.

[gingysmummy]

also what i did when i had my 2nd mmc this year was 50 days of happiness which really helped as i was determined i wasn't going back on AD, i posted my pics daily on fb i took pictures of rainbows,my ds a hedgehog that was in my garden,i know it might sound a bit hippy like but it did make me really focus on all the lovely things in the world,maybe worth a go?

[lottiegarbanzo]

You sound depressed to me. Your outlook and thought processes sound 'unwell' not just a response to circumstance. You've linked them to circumstance as a justification and internal rationalisation. (I'm not a professional and am going on very little. Obviously.)

I think if you sought help - doesn't have to be pills, there are lots of things that could help but who knows, maybe they could be the thing that works for you, don't rule anything out - you might experience the jump in outlook, to a quite different perspective, that I think you need.

You sound like someone who is going to find the 'but it's different and worse for me' angle to every story, so there's almost no point sharing but, here goes for a rare sunny day:

I've always thought I'd have two or three DCs. I have one, conceived easily but late, so am running out of time. Earlier this year I was in hospital with a miscarriage. Across from me was someone experiencing her second ectopic pregnancy. When she said 'all I want is one child' I felt very, very lucky. I already did though. Sure I might feel I had a more 'complete family' with another one but the difference between none and one is so very much bigger than one and two.

Your attitude to gender relationships is peculiar to you. That's a really important point generally - your thoughts, ideas and feelings are no more and no less than that. They are really important to you and only you can change them. They are not truths in the wider world though. I think you need to test and re-draw those boundaries.

[gingysmummy]

Op i have one ds who's 8 not through choice suffered 4 mmc in 2 years,but it makes me grateful to even have my ds.You sound like you do need help via AD or counciling route as your comments about your ds not being close or needing you as much as a girl would.Your ds does need you he is only a wee boy,my ds and i are very close and we have so much fun together we certainly are a 'real family' of 3.Please for your ds try to be be positive as children will pick up or even blame themselves with the negatives in life

[Rivercam]

Please start enjoying your son. Plan things to do together - feed the ducks, go to the zoo, go to the park. 5 is a wonderful age and there's so much you can do with him. I know lots of 'only child' families who have a rich a nd fulfilling life.

I Echo what the others above have said. You are grieving for what you haven't got, and not appreciating what you have. You also sound depressed to me. Get help, either counselling or medication.

All the best to you.

[Glastokitty]

I agree with the others, you need professional help with this. I'm an only child with an only child, I also had terrible PND, but we are a very happy family, your thinking on this is terribly wrong. And of course boys need their mums just as much as girls do, why on earth wouldn't they?

[bonkersLFDT20]

"Be happy for what you DO have, not sad about what you DON'T have".

Simple and I bet you know this is how you're "meant" to feel, but the grief over the children you are unable to have is not letting you feel that way and it's clouding every part of your life.

Of COURSE you are a family, and of COURSE your son needs you, though I do understand how you feel.

Please go and see your GP.

[Ems1812]

I have one DS & consider me, my DP & son just as much of a family as anyone else. I also don't believe that "boys aren't as close to their families". My son is very close to me & the only reason that your son won't be close to you is because by the sounds of it, you tend to push him away with your negativity. It's nothing to do with his gender at all, how close he is to you, is entirely down to you. I don't mean to sound harsh ( Im aware I'll probably get a backlash for saying this) but I think you are being selfish. You are obviously depressed but are avoiding doing anything about it & instead are focusing on wanting another child, when you don't seem to appreciate the one you have. Just because he's a boy. I think before you even consider TTC you should seek help & start to build a proper bond with you DS before it's too late. You don't get these years back & you're wasting them obsessing over the perfect size family & having another baby. Even if you did have another child, without resolving these issues first, there is nothing to say you will feel any better & your poor DS will be pushed aside even further for the perfect child that in your mind completed your family. I think you really need to act fast & seek help before you do some serious emotional damage to this little boy & sort this mess out. I don't mean to rant but as a mum of a beautiful little boy who is my whole world, I find it very upsetting that you don't seem to appreciate yours.

[ArthurShappey]

I think you need to seek help to try and sort out these feeling.

As the mum of a 4 (almost 5) year old DS (and no other children) I feel we are a real and complete family. We are not imposters. We are the perfect little family unit in my opinion. And I am proud to share photos and experiences of my beautiful family.

You need to get yourself around to thinking like this and therefore may need to seek medical help to come to terms with your feelings.

[EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh]

Is that you again with the unsupportive husband and the suicidal thoughts?
If so, we still can't help you, you need professional help with your mental health. Endless threads on here are just feeding your obsession.

If it's not you, advice still stands. Get some professional help - counselling and medication possibly. It's awful to feel you aren't a real family. My son and I are as much a real family as my friend and her husband with their 7 combined kids.

[Schoolaroundthecorner]

You do need help with this OP. I have a 3.5 year old DS and never felt we weren't a family from the second he arrived. Please for your sake, but especially your son's, talk to someone and ask for help with this. You will miss out on so much if you don't tackle this and it isn't fair on any of you.

[Badvocinapeartree]

Your son is 5!
Of course he needs you!
I still needed my dad until the day he died and I am 42!
Please talk to someone about how you are feeling.

[Fingerbobs]

You are having such a tough time, it sounds very much like how I felt after DS was born. I too think you are depressed. Counselling really helped me to deal with all my feelings about having DS and to recognise that my feelings of inadequacy were just that - feelings. I am much more confident now that my delightful son loves and needs me and it's a much better place to be. Do please try to find someone to talk to, ask the GP if they have a list maybe? It can transform your way of being. As you can see from these posts, a family feeling is in your head rather than an agreed fact. Please don't be hard on yourself, having a child and becoming a 'mother' and dealing with all my feelings about what that means and what (bonkers) ideas I have about 'good' mothers has been and still is the hardest thing I've ever done. But hope is out there and you can find it.

[furcoatbigknickers]

You are a family full stop. I have 4, thats no more of a family than 1.

[temporaryusername]

ps. I agree that your friend was a bit tactless!

[temporaryusername]

OP, from the things you are saying I'm not sure that this is all circumstantial depression (which, by the way, could still be helped by ADs if the circumstance can't be changed), or at least not all about not having a second child. I'm scared for you that one day you will suddenly 'come to' and realise that your son has everything to do with you and needs you a great deal, and most always will. Then you'll feel such regret that because you were suffering untreated depression and feeling that he could only become 'valid' and 'enough' if served up in combination with another child, you were not the mother you wanted to be for him. I'm so sorry if that sounds brutal. It isn't meant to be and I know you've done your very best. Your son deserves a family, and he has one. How will you ever explain that you didn't promote that sense of family or feel it, because he wasn't worthy of it on his own?

I think you should definitely go to counselling but should also consider the ADs, if you are reluctant to take the meds you could try counselling first. Please don't throw away what you have. I know I do that, by being depressed or anxious and by focusing on what I don't have. I'm really trying to fight it, because at some point we have to pay the piper for the damage we've done to ourselves.

I'm so very sorry you've not been able so far to have the family you envisaged, but you have a family, whether you can see it or not, and your only good option is to try and get yourself as mentally well as possible so you can be there for them, and enjoy them.

[TinTinsSexySister]

My DH is an only child and he is much closer to his parents than I am to mine - I am one of two.

Don't get me wrong, I am close to my family and love them dearly, but it's nothing compared to the bond DH and his parents have.

We also cannot have more DC after our DD(3). This makes me sad. Very sad. Needless to say, my DH, while disappointed, is totally fine with the idea of just one DC.
I look at DD as something of a miracle and am very thankful and appreciative that she is here at all - and healthy! And happy! And loved.

I have to say it is clear from the outside that your feelings are having an adverse effect on your son's behaviour and his emotions.

You say you regret missing out on the early stage because of PND, but you'll be looking back on this as a "missed out stage" in a year or two if you are not careful.

Sorry to be harsh.

I think you need help. If GP hasn't been forthcoming so far then go back and ask for a referral. Don't just accept it.

FWIW, it appears fro your post you are depressed and do need help - not just for the children you don't yet have (and may never) but for you and the DS you do have.

Good luck.