Key workers constant negativity about 3yo

[PonderLand]

My son has been at nursery since he was two, he moved up into the 3-4 room in September, he is summer born. He's had a few health problems in his 3 years but he's doing really well considering. He's extremely shy and always has been however at nursery he has come on really well, he has lots of friends there and he always talks about them at home, he's always playing and seems happy when we pick him up. He's fully potty trained and has been since before his 3rd birthday, he's seeing a speech therapist at nursery and he's making big improvements but as he's so shy he doesn't communicate much or talk to the staff much, he doesn't shout or anything he talks to them in a really quiet voice under his breath. At home he never stops chatting.

Now since starting in the 3-4 room whenever we pick him up his keyworker is always very negative, she will never say he's had a good day or 'he did this this and this' I can't remember the last time he even got a sticker, maybe October?

The negative things are like 'refused to wear his hat so couldn't go outside today' 'can't put his coat on so didn't go outside, we fall out about his coat every morning' my son couldn't actually do his coat but he's got the hang of it now.

At the Christmas party I spoke to her and she told me she has all the summer born children in her group and children like my son are going to really struggle in reception unless she 'toughens them up'.

My son has never hit or done anything that I'd consider naughty, it always seems to be stubborn toddler stuff. Today my partner went to pick up my son and she didn't say hi just 'he keeps picking his face' it was my sons last day before Christmas and she never said have a good Christmas or anything! She walked off and my partner left the chocolates for the staff on the side.

It's so odd, his last keyworker always had a little story every now and then and she laughed off the shyness or silly stuff and I still knew about the 'problems' to help my son cooperate more.

When we drop him off we have to wait for a staff member to get him and take him into the room and encourage him to join in. It takes about 2 minutes and my son joins in a lot quicker, with his keyworker she will sign him in and then walk off into the room so I'm stood there with my son, when I've tried to leave he gets very upset and quiet, faces the wall closes his eyes, says he wants to go home, gets tears in his eyes etc. He refuses to walk over to a group of children without them inviting him over. It is really sad as I know once he's in he is absolutely fine and will go up to them on his own. He just needs a bit of encouragement to get going on a morning and I can't leave him on his own at the cloakroom like that. If the keyworkers not in the other staff say hi to him and offer their hand to walk him into the room, it doesn't seem a problem to them at all.

Is it normal for us to feel like this about nursery? It feels really intense and like the pressure is already on for school when I don't think he's ready yet, some kids in his class are a year older than him which is a big difference at that age and he can't be expected to behave the same as them can he?

[Tumbleweed101]

School readiness isn’t about toughening them up, it’s about teaching them the skills they need to
do self care independently. She should also understand how massive the leap is between what they can do this term compared to summer term. Never fails to amaze me how much they change in those few short months.

I’d definitely speak to a senior staff member you can trust about this as her attitude isn’t acceptable. Managers would much rather know when a parent or child is unhappy so they can do something about it. Her attitude may have already been noted anyway.

[anunseemlylovefordustin]

Oh, your poor little boy :( I would ask for a change of key worker, or move to a different nursery. They are supposed to be nurturing, loving places, and this doesn't sound like that at all.

I made a formal complaint about a member of staff at my daughters nursery (I saw her completely ignoring a very very distressed little boy who had just been dropped off, and when I went to comfort him she said "oh don't mind him, he's a door hugger" - he was trying to open the door and crying mummy, mummy - absolutely heartbreaking). I stressed about it all day and then asked to speak to the manager at pickup. I was shaking, I hate any kind of confrontation and could barely get my words out at the beginning.

She took it really seriously and I've never seen that member of staff be anything other than kind and enthusiastic with the kids from that point. It's a bit awkward saying hello to her etc (she will have known it was me that complained because I was the only parent in the room at the time) but it was still worth it.

Which is a very long-winded way of saying your little boy needs you to advocate for him, trust your instincts and be courageous. Or just move him! Think about how happy and confident he could be in a nurturing kind setting. I wish you luck.

[Mammyloveswine]

Please say something!

I had similar with my own son when he started school nursery.

"He didn't listen on the carpet" "he refused to join in pe in the hall" "he wouldn't share the trains" "he didn't join in with phonics"....

My son was 3 years old, with a speech delay starting a brand new school.

I'm an experienced nursery teacher and have over ten years experience.

I arranged a meeting and made it clear that I thought they were negative and that they hadn't said a single positive thing about my very young child since he started school. I reminded them that it was perfectly normal the way he was behaving given his age and suggested that going into the hall for pe was probably very daunting for nursery children!

His assessments were also a total joke and I queried them too.

I'm by no means "that parent" but when I've so much early years experience I will stick up for my child.

Things have improved since the meeting a lot.

I sometimes think certain teachers think they know best and forget that these are people's small children... I treat the children in my class like I would hope my own children will be treated.

[baubled]

I don't say this to be horrible but OP I think it's you who needs to toughen up. This woman is being nothing but negative about your child, rude to you and you're hoping she can be told off in a positive way?

I get not everyone is happy with confrontation but @shouldhavecalleditoatabix is right, she needs challenging! If you said something I bet she would be so quick to backtrack but even if she did you need to be getting your child's key worker changed.

I'm probably a bit too quick to bite but my mum was so passive when I was little and I resent that she didn't stick up for me when I needed it. I'm
not saying she didn't care but she couldn't deal with the confrontation and it made for some difficult circumstances for me.

You're in the right, you're his mum and you know him best!

[PonderLand]

My partner took my son in for the first day back today and it happened again. The keyworker opened the door, signed him in then walked off, she walked past my partner and son 3 times after that ignoring them then another key worker who was sat with another group of children came and took my sons hand and said 'come on josh you should be able to walk in by yourself by now'.

So they are doing it on purpose? I don't understand why they couldn't give us a bit of a heads up about this new 'teaching method' so we weren't wondering why they were ignoring him!? It's absolutely ridiculous and seems to be creating an issue out of nothing. Gonna ask for a meeting with the head of early years to stop it happening.

[Beseen19]

I dont think you are being precious and I'd be really tempted to move him to be honest, this doesnt sound like the right environment.

My DS is just turned 3 and went to nursery at 9m. The transition wasnt great, he isn't shy but VERY cautious and clingy and cried every day for a year. The nursery were excellent, they gave him cuddles when he needed it and distraction when he needed it. It certainly wasnt the top performing nursery in the city but they all treated him like he was their own and every member of staff was crying when we moved away at 2.5. I'm quite firm on my DS as he wont do anything himself, so he has to get himself dressed/shoes on etc. But that's only because I know if I help him once he will become suddenly incapable again. It really sounds like they have stripped his confidence with accidents, all advice is when a regression happens to just go back to basics and toilet every half hour again but NEVER shame. And he had a very physical reason for wetting! I know my DS would be very upset after a public shaming for wetting and he is so so embarrassed the few times it has happened. The last thing he needs is someone getting annoyed at him

[PonderLand]

@Beseen19 I think that's what's missing from this year, it doesn't feel loving or supportive, it doesn't feel like he's 'their own'. It used to feel like that in the other group and I didn't think that would change as they are still young children needing support, encouragement etc. It's so different from the 2-3 room in that sense. I've rang the manager and she's going to see me today, I told her briefly why and she asked if we do the question of the day on a morning? No idea what that is but she apologised we didn't know about it, maybe that is there to help the handover transition. The leader of the room will be at the meeting too.

After today and it happening again I do want to move him but I want him to go to the school that's attached so it's difficult to decide as it would just be a move that lasts until September and then another move back.

Hopefully they will be willing to work with us on it and understand our point of view. I do understand theirs but it doesn't work for us, it feels like they don't want him there and I'm sure my son picks up on it and that's why he starts asking to go home. He never used to say that before this started.

[PonderLand]

All went well! It isn't some kind of method they forgot to tell us about, she said they'd of made us aware if that was the case. The manager said the keyworker should be greeting him and involving him in whatever she is doing with the other children. She said she will talk to the keyworker and my son will be properly greeted and taken into class from now on.

I'm very happy it's (hopefully) sorted and we shall see what tomorrow brings but I'm sure that's the end of it.

[Irridescantshimmmer]

It sounds like your little boys confidence has been knocked out of him because of that key worker and her negativity. She needs to sort her attitude out because she has made your little boy vulnerable and clingy because he did not want to leave your side at his cousin's birthday party so she has had a negative affect his emotional well-being. I think she needs some feedback given to her and to be taught that the tyrannical approach to child care is destructive and cruel. If that had happened to a child of mine, I would go absalutely ballistic. I hope your little boy is ok soon.

[shouldhavecalleditoatabix]

Great news OP. Did it go well the next day? Fingers crossed for you

[PonderLand]

@shouldhavecalleditoatabix yes it's been great since! It's a little bit different with the keyworker as she's telling us everything and been very vigilant, she's overly nice lol but I don't mind that as it feels more professional from her side and makes me feel more at ease leaving him.

[Rainallnight]

She sounds awful. Like she doesn’t understand three year olds in the least.

[Cocomobile]

My guess is that you won’t be the first person to have expressed unhappiness about this person. I’d definitely raise it, maybe would try to address it directly with the person first (if I could be bothered), and at the same time enquire about moving him to a different nursery as chances are she isn’t going to change at all (and perhaps get worse due to being upset).

Sounds like she’s got an attitude problem. You are not being precious.

[Cocomobile]

Oh I just read that she’s improved. That’s great! Fingers crossed she is able to maintain it

[shouldhavecalleditoatabix]

Glad to hear it OP. A little bit of direct talking can do the world of good.