Identity Stuff

[Henrietta2000]

Hi all,

I have a question and would like your thoughts on this (I'm also aware that these types of questions tend to really annoy some folk)! But here goes.

I've had quite a few identity crises when I was very young, my siblings and I had been left with a children's agency at birth fostered/ adopted etc and I went back into care and no longer have contact with my older sibling who was adopted by another family when I was very young and then they subsequently left the U.K. 😓.

I therefore lived in family environments that were so different to one another. I always get a bit nervous and self-conscious when people ask questions about my childhood / upbringing or call me names like a coconut (I'm kenyan, and it's usually other black people) and so feel I need to answer with what they want me to say (which I never really know).

But basically I was wondering if you were me what would you say your upbringing was or is it a weird thing to answer if perhaps you never lived with your actual family and then what do you say as an answer? (Might seem like a daft question but genuinely curious).

I'm currently at uni and as you would know there's a huge thing currently with identity politics on campus and debates can get very fiery and accusatory. And it seems some of my answers were not well received by some others.

I essentially based a lot of the "identity / class / culture" labels with a mixture of the families I had grown up in but that was apparently wrong and I was being challenged about it by other black students so now I'm a really confused about what I'm supposed to say my upbringing was.

I essentially said my upbringing culturally was mainly Chinese and English and in terms of class I spent 14 years out of the 18 years in two middle class homes and therefore said my upbringing was middle class. I'd spent 10 years in a Chinese British middle class home and then 4 in a white English middle class home and then a year in a working class White English home and then 3 years in a working class black Caribbean home. And that in terms of identity I feel a little bit confused about that but that otherwise I'm essentially British. My answers really annoyed some of the black students because they were the wrong answers about my upbringing and background. I said I don't really relate to my parents as I don't know them and never spent time with them and also in terms of class my parents are from two different classes so that would be hard to choose as my bio father is working class and bio mother who lives in Kenya is middle class / privately educated from info I have about my mum

One of the arguments put forward was that I'm ethnically black and genetically not related to the families I lived with during my childhood so those cultures can't be mine and that being fostered & adopted is a working class identity so I cannot say I had a middle class upbringing.

Sorry to ask this questions as I know it's annoying but would like your thoughts on this as I don't really have family members to ask this to otherwise I would have asked them instead and so though to ask on mumsnet 🫣.

But am I wrong and what should I say? I know it's not a big deal but it seems it a big deal to the few other black students at my uni. If you were asked the questions about culture, identity, class and upbringing etc and you were me what would you say?

Thank you! X Sorry if it's too long too!

[Guakamolly]

Huge hugs to you.
This is your life and your story and you can say as much or as little to anyone you do not have to answer or let people know.
You might just say I had a diverse upbringing and moved a lot.
You might say you were fostered.
I don't know about the class thing.
You aren't alone in having an ethnicity different to your culture. There are people who look like X but they have never been to X and don't speak X and were raised by non X people.
It's sufficient to say your culture is British if this is what you feel. You could say part of your childhood you were raised in a Chinese household.
You might see your experiences as made you unique with a greater ability to adapt and a better understanding of different cultures and families. The coconut comment was said to people who simply applied the rules and refused to bend them for fellows of the same ethnicity. I have heard coconut called for someone because they spoke in RP English.
People will pick on you and find soft sores to press no matter your story. There are arseholes and know it alls who will want to pigeon hole you but you own the narrative of your life and you share however much or little as you feel comfortable with. You don't owe any of them an answer about your life. It's your story and it's up to you who you give the privilege of knowing you and your story. You don't owe justifications or a story that makes sense to any of them.
I'm sure they too have their own problems and insecurities, perhaps not around being fostered but they might have other hidden issues in their family history or struggles with their sexuality for example.

Your identity can evolve. You don't have to fit neat little box. You are unique and you have your own story. Plenty of people grew up in all sorts of family situations. Even the most traditional family set ups have their own skeletons.

You are in control, you don't have to answer, you can identify with whatever part you feel affinity to and you can change your mind and evolve as you grow up.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

One option, and it is entirely up to you if you use it, is to cultivate a steely glare and say, "no one gets to define me but me". Because that is the truth. It may take a while for you to work through who you are, and there's no rush, but everyone else most certainly doesn't get to tell you.