My loss of control

[Randomword6]

Please read this with an assurance that I take responsibility for my action, but I am in emotional distress and need some help. I'm autistic and have severe noise sensitivity. I'm living with my three adult children and a partner who all say they are bending over backwards to be considerate about noise. I also live with the fact that my partner is the popular parent who gets love and respect, I am the opposite. My daughters have both acknowledged that I am routinely contradicted, dismissed and disagreed with on almost everything. I had an outburst of anger two years ago at one of my daughters after my mother's death and my kids or partner withdrew from me for months. To be clear I said terrible things but my mother had died three days before and my daughter had been flouting covid rules and as I thought then, endangering all of us. Recently I have been feeling increasingly angry, and sleep deprived.
Today I was kept awake by my daughter until 5 and at 8 am my partner, from whom I am estranged started making noise. And I have had another outburst of anger, throwing and breaking things. Again, to be clear it was terrible but I did not physically threaten anyone. My daughter attacked me, pushing me in the chest. I don't blame her for her anger. Now I am in despair, my son is refusing to speak to me and my youngest daughter who is already emotionally quite vulnerable, is traumatised. I am past hope at the moment and feel that I would take my own life, but for what it would do to my children. I am not going to do this, I am never going to. I don't want them to be unhappy.

I'm so sorry to read that you are feeling like this @Randomword6

There seems to be an awful lot going on to stress you. You are estranged from your partner but still living under the same roof, yes? That in itself is not a good situation to be in - is there any prospect of you getting separate places? Five adults under one roof has the potential for so much noise and chaos.

Are there any solutions that would work for getting a better night's sleep? I hesitate to say earplugs as they bring on tinnitus for me, but they work for some people.

Re. your outburst after losing your mother (I'm sorry for your loss) - if ever there was a time when you deserve forgiveness, that would be it. You should try to forgive yourself.

You say My daughters have both acknowledged that I am routinely contradicted, dismissed and disagreed with on almost everything - have you talked to them about how that could be resolved? Again, five adults under one roof are bound to disagree. As adults they are old enough to understand the need for compromise.

Re. throwing and breaking things - you need a strategy in place to do something when you feel like this - I would suggest leaving the house straight away and walking until you feel calmer. It is understandable that your family are troubled to see you do this. Can you talk to them about what you will do to reassure them that you will find a way to manage things in the future?

It's really good to read that your family, despite everything, are your reason to live. You need to build on this feeling.

What is your family's understanding of your autism? Are any of them ND themselves? Talking about your condition and what is triggering for you - perhaps encourage them to research it online - might make them feel a little better about the stressful situations that are arising.

I'm sorry I don't have any more robust suggestions. I'm not a parent, hopefully someone who is a parent of teen/adult DC might come along with more constructive advice.

I do hope you can find a way through this soon, to a better state of mind.

Thank you so much for your reply. I am not in a position to move out because of money. I do wear earplugs sometimes and headphones nearly always. I have only got angry enough to throw things on this one occasion. But you are right about leaving the house, I try to get out of situations when I can. I really value your response, I am feeling very isolated as you can imagine. Mumsnet helped me when my Mum died.

OK, offbeat suggestion/question here. Do you allow yourself to get upset and cry?
If I feel a meltdown approaching, removing myself from the situation and actually just "allowing" myself a good cry can be pretty useful. It's physically beneficial as it really does release stress hormones through tears! And it can be a safe loss of control.

Are you using noise cancelling earphones?

The first thing that sprang to mind when reading your post was

'how on earth does she cope?'

I was going to ask if there was any way you could move out, but you've answered that already, so why can't the adult children move out? And your estranged partner too?

Do you have your own room that you can escape to? Not ideal to be confined to one room in your own home, but it's better than being around 4 noisy adults.

I'm sorry for your loss 💐

This. It sounds like a really shitty situation to be in and that's without losing your mum. You need space somehow. I know how difficult it is to control your emotions when it all gets too much. I feel for you.

Thank you for your kind thoughts. I do have a room to escape to and I am very lucky. My room does need to be soundproofed but I don't know how to go about it. I have made some efforts, with door curtains and sticking egg boxes on the door, but it doesn't make much difference.

I just want to say you should not be so hard on yourself.

it’s a difficult situation, you have autism and you need to view it as a symptom of your condition, rather than you being a weak/not strong enough person.

they still happen to me at 30 in situations of acute stress and I find that if I’m emotionally giving myself a hard time about “letting it happen” I take much longer to recover whereas viewing it as something that happens to me because I am autistic is much less emotionally stinging.

you can put strategies in place to lessen it but it sounds like you are trying so so hard to control it so I think the odd slip is entirely natural in what sounds like very difficult circumstances

Again thank you so much for your support. I know that my children are traumatised and don't trust me so it is very hard to find myself acceptable at the moment. Just going to keep trying to take care of myself and make good decisions. Oh thanks Mumsnet for this help.

I'm glad that you have a room you can escape to at least!

What on earth are they all doing to make so much noise that your room needs to be soundproofed? Not only does making that much noise show zero consideration for you, what about the neighbours? Don't the neighbours complain about the level of noise from your home?

Re: soundproofing, you can buy soundproofing panels from DIY stores such as Wickes. But before you invest in that, perhaps the members of the household should be impressed upon that the level of noise they're generating is not conducive to a calm living space that you need in order to maintain some semblance of order in your head.

They should all STFU 😬

Hi, I don't think many people would find the noise a problem, it is my specific sensory issue. We live in a detached house, it is new-ish and has very thin doors etc. I do wear ear plugs and headphones a lot.

@Randomword6 I lived like that when my Dc were older teens, I regularly lost my temper, left the house in a rage, said terrible things, because they made me feel like I was the bad unloved "wrong" person in the house and they were the happy "good " people. My then DO did nothing to support me. I went on a 3 day anger management course which made me realise none of my needs were being met - it's that that causes our raging. Finally (in a temper) I left the family house for good. Since then 4 years have past and I'm so so much calmer, nicer, happier. I was adhd diagnosed last year and everything made sense at last, because from my side of things I was trying and trying, and getting nowhere and wanting to be dead.

I'm telling you this only to say my heart goes out to you. They sound insensitive, selfish and to have ganged up against you. You are a good worthwhile person. Do everything you can to find peace and quiet.

Thank you HMS Sophia

HMSSophia How do you get on with your family now?

@Randomword6 brilliantly with ex and one DC, not well with other DC who I'm now sure is also ND. That DC (young adult) refuses to talk to me. I've apologised to that person profoundly and genuinely and I can only respect their position and hope one day they forgive me. Other DC says I was a "great mum" and that while some stuff was bad other bits were brill, and that DC also sees her DF (my ex) gave me so little support and love.

Ex has apologised to me for his part in the mess which has helped a lot and we talk a lot about how wed have done things/parented differently had we known I am adhd. Ho hum.

I'm glad things are partly resolved for you.