I'm new to this. Also I'm male. I hope that's OK. I picked this issue up in the Guardian and thought maybe some old stuff might be useful for comparison with today. It may be old but it's still fresh with me and I'm telling it for the first time in a public space.
We have three children of 24, 21 and 13. A fourth is missing which should have been the third of four. The worst thing about it in a way is that as far as the medical records are concerned it never existed.
I have to say 'it' because non existant children have no gender. Strangely it's dificult to grieve properly for a child who is neuter. You can form no real image of the life that has been snatched so suddenly from your waiting arms.
My wife miscarried in the early hours. She was writhing on our bed in agony, which the on call doctor couldn't relieve. By some miracle our two other children didn't wake. They couldn't be left alone so when the ambulance came she and I were seperated. The thought occurred to me that maybe something could go terribly wrong and she would be alone......It was sickening moment watching the ambulance tail lights disappear in the dark.
I found out later that she had aborted spontaneously at the hospital and then been tidied up internally. However things were not improved by the registrar.
Having learned that the pregnancy was unplanned (only in the sense that we stopped taking preventive measures to let nature take it's course) He assumed that the child was unwanted and she had the impression that he even suspected her of doing something to bring on the abortion.
He proceded to lecture her on the subject of contraception. but he was terribly mistaken. The baby was very much wanted and eagerly anticipated by the whole family. What a thing to do! but there was more to come.
Someone else had been taken in at the same time, and we believe that the bottles containing the two women's 'contents' were mixed up and labled wrongly. By the time we realised, I expect the remains would have been destroyed.
We discovered this at the following clinic when a young doctor who had not been present explained that that if there had once been a foetus, it had been reabsorbed by the body and she had had a kind of false pregnancy as a result. That's what the notes said and the doctor could only read what was written.
My wife said to me 'They're not my notes'. I asked her how she knew and she said 'Because I saw the baby'. All be it fleetingly, she had seen the foetus with her own eyes but the evidence was gone.
We really needed to know why our child had died because our second child was disabled with Spinabifida. If we had lost the third through the same condition our risk of problems with a further pregnancy would be much greater.
As a result of this my wife feared getting pregnant again as she felt she would not cope with more long term medical problems. That is why there is a long gap between our second and our third (normal) child.
I have no wish to forget, my lost son, or daughter;I wish I knew which. The place I kept warm inside is still waiting, and for me I have not three but four children, one of which I have never seen. It seems to me there were three things which could have helped.
a) If there had been some kind of family emergency back up system (there would have been if there had been time on our part to make provision)she could have had the same support from her partner which she had at the birth of all her other children.
b) Recognition that for us, and for many, the foetus was our child, which we were losing; someone who was already in a sense a person to us. Our flesh and blood.
c) The possibility of specialist councelling, (There is an impact on the whole family when these things happen, including other children.)
It has to be said that family and friends can have a big impact on recovery and care inside and outside hospital but not all medical personell actively encourage their participation in their medical strategy.
In the case of my disabled son, as a newborn, I once actually had to point out to a health professional that focusing solely on the infant as his patient, while failing to recognise the mother's own needs was unwise, as she herself was his ultimate life support system, especially after he would come to leave the ward. He (the doctor)needed her to be fit for perpose in that respect.
A code of practise should help everyone if it's properly thought out but at the end of the day it's a matter of humanity too, and that involves mutual empathy, and all of us adopting a team spirit, Medics, patients and loved ones together.
Sorry this was so long. I hope it may help in some way.