Is being married always such a burden?

[wtfamidoing2023]

I absolutely hate being married. My spouse is non UK national, it took so much effort and money to get them here. I had to change jobs, houses, move away from friends, all sorts. It seems like my monumental effort is never ending and the chilled out enjoyment has never arrived. Everything that happens relies on me doing everything, driving, decisions, effort. He has freedom to do whatever he wants ie change jobs, go home country for 6 weeks. I'm stuck in my job cos I'm his sponsor. He's fine with taking all that time off work and having a blast back at home, leaving us here. Financially I've covered everything for years and he's not made any effort to give back the 4k ish that his visa cost. I'm tired of mentally juggling his manipulation of situations when he chucks a colossal strop til he gets his own way. My 10 y/o has more of an emotional handle on things. When things are going great we get on, but his expectation of the role of wife is beyond anything I ever thought. Just needed to vent. I feel it may never end and my cultural expectations were more of a team effort, his thinking I'm an emotional/ financial support donkey. So pissed off and sick of the unfairness of it all. I realise I've made a huge mistake and now I just want our marriage to end, then I feel guilty because that will nullify his visa and earning potential. Thanks for reading and giving me the space to type.

[Fourecks]

Why are you letting him treat you like this? You hold all the power here. Tell him you are on the verge of ending the marriage and if he wants to stay married (and keep his visa), he needs to start treating you with the respect you deserve. Then hold him to it.

[babytum]

The phrase “Don’t set yourself on fire keeping other people warm” has never been more apt.

Park the guilt and get selfish for you, discover what you need in life and assess what (or who) needs to go. He certainly sounds like he’s thriving while you’re wilting under the strain. You need to ask yourself why is that, why you’ve been complicit in enabling this situation and what you are going to do to make life good for you. Best of luck

[minipie]

Sounds like he’s all take and no give OP. Why are you with him? It sounds like the relationship is making your life worse not better?

[VeridicalVagabond]

My husband is not a British national and we've never had issues like this, though I'm not sure what culture your husband is from so I imagine it's not entirely comparable. Culture clashes and hiccups are inevitable in a multi-cultural relationship now and then, but this is more than that and I think you know it.

Respectfully OP, it sounds quite a bit like he's married you for the visa and free money. This is an entirely parasitic relationship from which you are gaining nothing. Marriage should add to your life, not drain from it. I'd strongly advise divorce, bollocks to his visa.

[yutu]

I dont think it has anything to do with multicultural or not. Your husband sound selfish.

We are also a multicultural family, hubby and I came from different countries very far apart (neither is British) and speak very different languages. When we met we were both foreigners in another country (not UK). We each got our residency through own skilled work. We then made the joint decision to move to the UK a few years later and have 2 kids. There has been challenges of course, but in my case not so much from cultural differences, more of men/women and different personalties.

[Snoken]

Is he the dad of your 10 year old? If not, just let him go. Forget about the 4K, the moves, the job change etc. You went above and beyond getting him to the UK, but you will never get that back so just consider it sunken cost. Place your focus and money on your child instead of this man.

[Kucinghitam]

Another one from a multicultural marriage.

Your husband sounds like a cocklodger who is using you for the visa and money, sorry OP.

[Aquamarine1029]

As with so many posts on MN, you are your problem. You are allowing yourself to be taken advantage of, and you are choosing to be your husband's doormat. Just stop it already.

Text you husband and tell him you're filing for divorce. He had better get his shit together because you are no longer supporting him.

[FairyLover90]

I've been married for over a decade and it's not a burden at all. If anything it makes life less burdensome. Marriage should enhance your life. Not make it more complicated. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[tarheelbaby]

So sorry you're enduring this.
Sadly, your DH is taking advantage and thus is hard work for you.
I agree with others: tell him his time in UK is directly tied to his good contributions to your relationship and family situation.
No British man would tolerate this from a foreign bride so don't waste any more time on your DH. Crack the whip just like a man would. Let him know that his visa will expire unless he gives you reason and funds to renew it.

[QuillBill]

No it's not supposed to be like that. You aren't supposed to feel trapped and under obligation when you are married.

I went through the arduous visa process with my dh and we have a good marriage. My dh is from a country where the women do a lot of the work. Which is the same as the uk a few generations ago, but my dh doesn't think I should do everything and be responsible for more than he is.

[MixedCouple]

Tale as old as time. Heard this story iver and over. My answer stop marrying from abroad / back home..yes there.are exceptions but majority of people have a rubbish time not worth it.