To raise children with 4 languages? Is it even possible?

[Liviais]

This is going to be a long one, so buckle up! 😆

My native language is Slovenian and my partner's is Italian. We are both fluent in English and use it as our relationship language. I am currently learning Italian, as we are planning on moving there at some point in our lives, but he is not learning Slovenian. We live in Switzerland. Recently, we were having a discussion on children and how to raise them multilingual. We both want our children to speak our native languages, but we would also like them to speak English and, if we stay in Switzerland when we have kids, German because it is the local language.
Whenever we talked about this in the past, we mainly discussed using the one parent, one language (OPOL) method and possibly integrating English in the one accessory, one language (OAOL) method OR that he would speak to them in Italian, I would speak to them in Slovenian, together we would use English and they would learn German from the environment. I speak German relatively well, but neither my vocabulary nor my grammar is extraordinarily good and I would not like to pass on my mistakes to my children. My partner is learning German at the moment, but he is not sure he will ever get to a native level, mainly because he doesn't need it.
However, recently, my partner mentioned that he wouldn't feel comfortable in a family, a household where he doesn't understand one of the languages spoken because it might create disparities in connection with the children (meaning that I would have a stronger connection with the kids since I would be able to communicate with them in all three of the languages, especially when they are young and starting to speak and might not, yet, be able to distinguish). He mentioned this because having children is still a few years down the road for us and if I would like to speak to our children in Slovenian, he would start learning it now.

It is also important to note that my partner has a much stronger connection with his heritage than I do. He feels very connected with Italian, whereas I have been able to express myself in English better since I can remember. I do not feel patriotic toward Slovenia, which is why I also don't mind my partner not learning my language, but I would still like my children to experience the cultural nuances I grew up with and learn the language of my parents and relatives.

Here are some methods I have been thinking about:

• He speaks to them in Italian, I speak to them in Slovenian and English (using the OAOL method), they learn German in the environment
• He speaks to them in Italian, I speak to them in Slovenian, together we speak in English, they learn German in the environment.
• He speaks to them in Italian, I speak to them in English, they learn German in the environment, and we encourage them to speak in Slovenian with my relatives, friends, we send them to camp in Slovenia, we encourage them to watch cartoons in Slovenian etc.

So, I guess I'm asking if anyone has had a similar experience? How do you go about it? Is it difficult maintaining "rules" about what language to speak? Do you get confused and code switch often? Do your kids? Do you have any recommendations on books/articles I could read about raising multilingual children?

[RosaBonheur]

Bumping this for you.

I can't really help much as I'm in a different situation to you. I already have young children and we only have two languages. Mine (English) is the minority language, whereas my husband's (French) is the community language. However, I suppose we are lucky that the minority language is English, which is both widely spoken and a high status language, meaning that there are English language activities and bilingual schooling where we live, plenty of native English speakers and plenty of French families who want their children to speak English.

If and when you and your partner have kids, I would probably go with your idea of you speaking Slovenian to the children, him speaking Italian to the children, you speaking English to each other (but not to the children), and leaving the children to pick up German in the community.

Realistically, they're not going to pick up Slovenian, or probably even Italian, from anywhere other than the parent who speaks it and visits to the country to see extended family, so you will need to prioritise those things. At least Italy and Slovenia are both a pretty short drive from Switzerland and it's all in the Schengen area so you should be able to pop back and forth as easily as travelling within one country.

I probably wouldn't worry about teaching your children English because they'll pick it up naturally. They'll start learning it at school but they'll already have a good level of passive English from hearing you speak it to each other at home, and if they already speak three other languages they'll find it easier to learn an additional foreign language. Plus they'll be exposed to so much English language media, I think it will just happen naturally. And it's not as if they need to speak English as well as native speakers, although if you and your partner are educated people (it sounds like you are) and your kids are getting a high quality education in Switzerland, I bet they will end up speaking English to almost native speaker level anyway, without you needing to really do anything to facilitate it.

If your partner doesn't want your children to speak a language he doesn't understand, he should start learning Slovenian now, because it would be a real shame to deprive your children of that connection to their own heritage. But this means that you will need to be willing to speak some Slovenian to your partner. Maybe you could start speaking Slovenian to him and he could speak Italian to you until you actually have children, and then at that point you can decide what to do about using English at home.

[onlytherain]

I know a lot of multilingual children, mostly with three languages in the family though. It depends a bit on how naturally talented your children are when it comes to learning languages. Most families I know do 1 parent, 1 language plus the language spoken by the environment (eg. 1 parent French, 1 parent Swedish, environment English). You could do that and have a tutor teach English from a young age.

I find your partner's attitude very unfair. So he doesn't want his children to learn Slovenian because he doesn't speak it, but he does want them to learn Italian which you don't yet speak. He is punishing you for learning Italian. How about he learns Slovenian instead? Speaking an Eastern European language will be an advantage for your children.

[endofthelinefinally]

I met a little girl on holiday some years ago. Brought up in Switzerland, she spoke 5 languages. Effortlessly. It can be done. IME it has to be done in a relaxed way though.

[Menomeno]

We sponsored a Ukrainian family early last year. 11yo boy was already fluent in Ukrainian and Russian, but spoke no English. After 6 months here he was fluent in English, and 6 months after that he came top of his class in his English SATS. He’s now in year 7 and excelling in French and Spanish. Kids are phenomenal language sponges! If you expose them to your languages they’ll pick it up.

[BlueberryVelvet]

DD was brought up in Switzerland. She’s trilingual.

I spoke exclusively English, DH exclusively Italian and she learned French when she went to kindergarten and in school.

At home we have a bizarre mix of the three. Food talk is almost exclusively in Italian, general chat in English and the rest peppered with French.

[froginawell]

I once worked with a woman who effectively did this. She was Spanish, her husband Russian. Their common language was German, and they were in the UK so the environmental language was English.

Kids language acquisition was initially much slower, as is usual in multi-lingual families, but by 5 the children could happily converse in 4 languages, switching easily mid sentence.

Made me regret my poor children only being brought up with one langur

[onlytherain]

You would need to think about the level of proficiency you are aiming for. Most multilingual kids I know don't read and write in all of them, or their proficiency is way below native speaker level. Some languages are harder to read or write in or their grammar is more challenging, eg. English is much harder to read than German (it takes English children double the time to learn to read), but it is much easier to master English than German grammar.

Only a very small number of people achieve native speaker level in reading, writing, speaking and listing in more than one language, even when they have been exposed from an early age.

[coxesorangepippin]

Same as the first poster, our kids are bilingual English/French.

I'd focus on English and Italian at home and then the German will come at school.

The only advice I can give you is to stick rigidly to your chosen language - and do not ever switch.

Also, do not explain an English word with an Italian one: just explain the English word using English words i.e. Fire truck, big red wagon that firefighters drive.

[Simonjt]

We’re a trilingual family, I speak Urdu, English, BSL and Swedish, my husband speaks Swedish and English.. Our son (8) is fluent in all four, our daughter will be as well (shes 2). We do opol, I used to be a lone parent, so our son only started learning English when he attended nursery and used it when we lived in the UK at school, we would only use English books etc if it was homework. Now we live in Sweden my husband speaks both Swedish and English at home, rather than just Swedish.

[Nineteendays]

I know a family where the children go to a welsh school and are therefore fluent welsh. Dad is English speaking and they live in wales so fluent in English. Mum is Spanish so they speak Spanish. And then younger brother is deaf so the older siblings are now learning BSL. They will learn French in high school. I think it’s amazing. I’m monolingual and my kids are bilingual. I think you could do it OP, it would be fantastic. Just don’t worry if it takes time for them to start speaking or if they initially mix up their languages.

[Fernsfernsferns]

Bilingual family here.

BIL’s family are trilingual.

we live in an English speaking country kids at a bilingual school, lots of international family so many have at lest three languages around them sometimes four.

my observations:

as someone said to me ‘it’s called mother tongue for a reason’ in general they’ll speak best whatever you speak to them.

thats true for us but I’m the English speaker DH and I speak to each other in English Nd English is the dominant culture where we live so it is very much their first language

might not be so strong if just you and them speak it.

from observing BIL’s family what you and your DH speak to each other will be the ‘family language’ for them (and it sounds like you) English.

as children gain breadth of language they loose depth.

i can spot the kids in the bilingual school without a natural English speaker at home easily.

they have an accent they make grammar mistakes. I assume their written is similar.

And they are taught in English half the week (though often not by native speakers) and are in a wider English speaking environment (though the school can be its own world - if those kids did more all English speaking extracurricular activities out of school it would help). And it’s still true that they have very high quality English as a foreign language which is what it is if neither of your parents are native English speakers.

Overall it’s very unlikely any child will be equally proficient in 4 languages.

and it’s environment rather than planning which dictates which will dominate.

practicality says English is the one to push for decent standards in as it’s so internationally useful.

and I suggest you make sure they are good at the one they will be schooled in (eg German matters if they will do German speaking education all the way)

its worth teaching your own languages to be part of the extended family especially grandparents and for cultural links.

but you may have accept they won’t be perfect at them.

none of the grandchildren in our family are perfect in PILs language. ThePILs dont like that but the grand kids do all speak and understand it which is good enough.

last - methods don’t matter that much. Two principles do - they are around it regularly — and never make it a battle ground. It doesn’t matter if they don’t won’t speak it for a while. They will when they NEED to eg next grandparents visit

[lordloveadog]

I know several trilingual families, but 4 languages might be pushing it. Depends on how language-focused your children are. I've seen some children (especially introverted ones) struggle with 2 languages, and knew one who refused point blank to learn a third language at nursery and became selectively mute. Also had a couple of friends at university who didn't have any really deep knowledge of a single language - no language where they knew what a daisy or a daffodil or a bluetit was, the kinds of words you learn as a little child from a native speaker parent showing you the world around you. So I wouldn't say yes, definitely go for it, language capacity is endless - I'd have thought that 20 years ago but raising children in a series of international environments has made me more cautious. But if you talk your mother tongues to your children in the first place and give them that full richness in the language you love and know best, it'll set them up for learning more languages to at least some level.

[CrabbyCat]

I grew up bilingual and had both bi and trilingual friends and would echo what @lordloveadog and others say. As you add in more languages, you trade breadth for depth. Unless you have one primary language used in almost all situations and the others are secondary (and at therefore less fluent) using different languages in different contexts means you won't have a complete vocabulary in any of them - because some things you just don't talk about in that language. Obviously some kids are naturally more talented at languages and do much better, but even my incredibly linguistically talented officially trilingual friend admitted her 'mother' tongue was less strong than that of mono / bilingual friends.

I think you also meet to think about the practicalities. If you intend to speak Slovenian with your child you'll have to make sure you use it a good part of the time and don't keep slipping into English for it to be successful. Will you be able to access Italian and Slovenian children's books etc to read them stories in in Switzerland, or would you end up with English ones you and your DH could both read to them? Are you really going to sit and have family meals where you speak in Slovenian and DH speaks in Italian and the kids do a mix of both, or would you actually both end up slipping into English after a long day at work because it's easier?

Unless you are both committed to sticking with the harder road, I'd probably go with your last option. I've been doing something similar with my DC, formally teaching them my 2nd language from about age 4, as well as making sure we pick up the cultural bits from the start and it's been the right compromise for me.