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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

2nd miscarriage within 3 months. Am 44 (just) .... please, some words of support, or am I really pushing my luck ?

14 replies

catsmother · 30/11/2008 22:49

The title says it all really.

To put it into context I have 2 kids aged 18 and 5, and have had 3 (no consecutive) miscarriages - in Dec 2001 (7 wks), Sept 2008 (6.5 wks) and now, just this Friday gone, again at 7 wks.

I am literally just 44 and decided to try for a final one in June. I appreciate I have been lucky at my age to not only fall pregnant so quickly at all, but to do so twice ...... however, though I want to keep trying I am well aware this is last chance saloon time and the odds are stacked against me. Ideally I would have liked to try 3 or 3.5 years ago but various family traumas have got in the way.

It probably makes no difference but I like to imagine I look younger than I am, I certainly feel "young" and all those (probably stupid) quizzes about your "real" age put me at 38 or 39. I don't smoke, have a 22 BMI, don't drink etc etc.

(Sorry, I am wittering)

Thing is ...... I now feel completely overwhelmed by the latest m/c. Back in Sept it was upsetting too but I'd kind of justified it to myself as being fated because I'd unknowingly taken antibiotics before I knew I was pregnant, which might have increased the risk of deformities, so that worry was taken away from me. But this time .... I'd felt so much "more" pregnant - with sore, enlarged boobs, constipation, and a definite hard little mound low down on my tummy even though I'd not put on weight.

I started spotting - literally - so called "old" brown blood on Tues evening, and because this only ever seemed to happen when I went to the loo I'd semi convinced myself it was going to be okay (cue lots of internet research where you can always find scope for hope). But then I woke up in the early hours of Fri with pain, and free flowing red blood and I knew it was inevitable. I actually miscarried as I was being examined at hospital (I have to say the (male) gynaecologist was very rspectful of this).

But now I feel so shit. I'm sorry if anyone reading this thinks I am being ridiculously stupid and naiive given my age ..... like, "what does she expect ?" I do also appreciate that people who haven't yet had any children at all might feel I should be grateful for what I have.

I'm not really sure why I'm writing all this .... guess to get it off my chest, and also in the slim hope that there might be another "older" mum out there who's had a similar experience of m/c at a similar age, yet gone on to have a healthy baby.

I feel really angry - though it's no-one's fault. Whatever your age, m/c is like being made a promise, which is then snatched away from you and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

If there are any older mums out there who'd be kind enough to share any stories of encouragement, I'd be so grateful to hear them.

OP posts:
racingsnake · 01/12/2008 22:47

I had 2 m/c's in my forties and now have a healthy daughter. That's the good news.

The sad news is that I don;t think there will be another one - another m/c recently.

An m/c is more than a promise - I felt I could actually visualise the babies. It is a bereavement and you are grieving. Respect that and don't let anyone belittle it.

I realise that you feel that time is not on your side, but everything I have read suggests that you should give your body time to recover before you try again.

Whatever happens, you will learn to accept it and even be happy again. Just don;t expet too much too soon.

MsG · 01/12/2008 23:46

Hiya, I'm not an older mum, but I have had the pain of a m/c. I do know someone who had her second child at 44 after having several miscarriages and her first child a few years earlier.

I'm no spring chicken but am now 14 weeks pregnant with my first child, aged almost 36. I do worry a bit about when I will be able to have a second child, and haven't even had this one yet! I can imagine that being a little bit older must be harder to cope with, but if you are living a healthy lifestyle and you are still having regular periods, I don't see why you're not in a good position to have another baby... Maybe it's worth discussing with your doctor or someone?

I think the pain of a m/c is horrendous regardless of whether you already have children or not.

I hope you are taking care of yourself and able to rest at this horrible time. Good luck for the future. Thinking of you. Sorry if this isn't much help but just wanted to write something to you.


shazzaren · 02/12/2008 08:04

Hi Catsmother
Just wanted to say how sorry I am that you lost another, it is devastating so be kind to yourself. I had the link to this thread from a few months ago about mc's and pg in your 40's and thought it may be of interest - its heavy going but stick with it as it gets more positive as it goes on!!

Good luck and stick with it, if you are falling pg so quickly and have the strength to keep going then go for it. What I would say (from experience, staring 40 in the face with 4 mc's under my belt) is to give yourself a couple of months to recover, have some acupuncture (I have a wonderful lady in Surrey if you are anywhere near) and get the blood flow back in to your uterus and ready for the next attempt.

chatname · 02/12/2008 21:52

I had my first baby in May after 3 miscarriages. I'm 44. I have a friend who had her first baby at 44 and a second at 46. I know another woman who had her first baby at 43 and her second at 45.

It is possible!

We did see a specialist after the 3 miscarriages who recommended some vitamin supplements etc.

clon · 03/12/2008 10:25

Hello there
I'm really sorry to hear of your pain.
I am an older mum, had my first at 41 then followed by a number of mc's.
Like you I felt in last chance saloon and also had the 'what do you expect' reaction from one of the doctors at my surgery. But I wanted a second child if I could. I'm now 43.
Although I feel I live a healthy lifestyle I did some investigation regarding preconception care which told me about mineral balances and sure enough I was barely on the iron scale low on magnesium and zinc which are necessary to nuture a healthy pregnancy.
I found an organisation called foresight see their website which does this analysis and sells the supplements. It's not cheap (500 quid all up) and you and your partner have to swallow about 20 pills a days. My partner says he felt no difference but I feel I had bags more energy and lo and behold after 3 months I am now pregnant and have got passed all my previous mc stages.
Still a long way to go for me but I hope this gives you some hope. This is also the route a friend of mine took and she had a healthy baby at 43.
Good luck and take care.

catsmother · 03/12/2008 10:43

I really appreciate the positive stories - thank you. I feel as if I shouldn't be complaining as I have 2 children already.

I'm really struggling with this ATM, not sleeping very well at all, waking loads, and of course that's the first thing I think of each time. I'm veering between all the positive stories I've found, and then the depressing statistics for women of my age I've dug up (which vary so much depending where you look). I keep thinking it "should" be 8 weeks this week, and I expect I'll keep thinking like that for a while.

I do want to try again (despite being terrified, and I should think that doesn't leave you for at least the 1st 3 months) and am torn between "waiting", as in, giving my body a "chance to recover" (as recommended in some quarters) and trying immediately (which plenty of other sources say you can do with no problem). The thing is, if it didn't happen, and I'd waited, I will always wonder if I missed my last egg ..... I don't feel I can afford to wait.

I am really really kicking myself for not trying sooner now. It seems so damn obvious but as I said before we have had various family stuff going on in the past few years and before you know it another year has passed (but this should have taken priority). You kind of bumble along through life feeling fit and young, being quite smug that people regularly place you as being 7 or so years younger than you really are and somehow the statistics don't apply to you. I can't belive, now this has happened, that I could have been so blase ..... this is not only upsetting for losing another baby but has really come as quite a big wake up call about my own mortality and complacency. I am tearing myself up for being so stupid about it and am also, if I'm being honest, starting to resent my DP for also not having the foresight to recognise that my age was a genuine consideration ..... he'd always been "maybe" and "one day", it wasn't until May this year that we finally had THE conversation (instigated by him) where we decided to go for it.

Damn, damn, damn ...... why wasn't I more insistent before ?

Anyway ...... thanks again to those who've replied. The vitamin thing certainly makes sense and I'll be looking into that. Clon, I hope everything continues to go alright for you.

OP posts:
SweetPea99 · 03/12/2008 12:47

Hello Catsmother,
I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. I don't know if this is the right thing to say to you, but it may be worth considering that your age has nothing to do with this. There are alot of women out there in there thirties and even twenties who miscarry and are told that it is nothing more than bad luck.
Having a baby, it seems to me, is never easy at any stage of your life, and there are also plenty of women in their forties who don't miscarry. You seem to be beating yourself up over this as though it's all your fault and you should have avoided it, but perhaps it might help to give yourself a break and accept that it's not your fault and there's nothing you could have done - miscarriage is, unfortunately, all too common.
I really hope that you have the strength to keep trying, and that the next one is healthy and successful.

shazzaren · 03/12/2008 18:27

Hi, me again, I guess SweetPea99's post leads me to ask, are you being tested for things such as sticky blood (antiphosoplipid syndrome being one) or for hormones etc - the basics that you get tested for? Or even NKC?


catsmother · 03/12/2008 21:11

I haven't yet spoken to either my midwife or my GP about this. She's on holiday until Monday, and TBH I suppose I am scared that if I go to the GP I will be sent off with a flea in my ear as Clon was.

I know that they usually only test after 3 consecutive m/cs and I'm aware that at 44, with 2 kids already and "only" 2 consecutive m/cs (albeit 3 in total) I will probably be seen as low priority.

Then again, I suppose I have nothing to lose by asking and emphasising that I don't have time on my side. I think I shall call the surgery tomorrow and ask for an appointment with one of the partners there specifically (as opposed to the various locums you normally end up with).

OP posts:
RubyRioja · 03/12/2008 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shazzaren · 04/12/2008 07:19

Catsmother, I asked my gp after 2 mc's due to my age and he was happy to refer me, we actually chose to go privately in the end to speed things up which has hurt but am pleased as I couldnt stand waiting around. The GP did my tests to keep cost down and were all round sympathetic. Good luck today... x

SweetPea99 · 04/12/2008 15:31

Have you read the Lesley Regan book? It really does give you a complete overview of all the likely problems and what can be done to address them. With your history and age, you probably won't be considered low priority at all. My experence with the NHS is that everyone you speak to is very sympathetic, but they don't actually do anything unless you drive them to it. I found this upsetting to begin with, but now I just see it as me using the services available to my best advantage. You know that you are not low priority - if nothing else, getting tests done while you wait for the next BFP will give you some control - there may be nothing wrong, in which case, great! You can get on with the next pregnancy knowing that you have as good a chance as anybody. My baby died in utero, and I found out at the 20 week scan. The last consultant I saw said that he was surprised I had pushed for tests because he considered it 'a single event'. There was no way I was hanging around to see if my (personally catastrophic) 'single event' would turn into a 'double event'!
What I'm saying is, you know what's right for you, so push for it!

catweazle · 04/12/2008 16:10

I had 2 mmc in a row (at 11 weeks and at 7 weeks) the year I was 42. Like you I read all the stats that leave you feeling you haven't got a cat in hell's chance of having a baby. My last mc was in March 2006. In July I got another BFP and in March 2007 - 2 months short of my 44th birthday my DD was born.

There are a large number of mums on this site who have had babies in their 40s. I can't remember any names but I'm sure one at least was 47.

FWIW I wouldn't wait, as you are more fertile immediately after a mc (or a birth). Good luck.

catsmother · 04/12/2008 17:44

Thanks again - Catweazle, for another positive story, and Sweetpea for your encouragement ..... I made the appointment today. I can't believe how blase the consultant you saw was considering the relatively late stage at which you lost your baby, I mean, your experience was hardly common - of course you'd want to try and find out why !

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