Anyone given up ttc? If so are you happy about it.

[passmyglass]

I am 35, with 2 dds, followed by 3 mc. I am trying to decide whether to give it another go (don't shout at me but i personally don't fancy any more babies much later than now, its just not for me) or whether to suck it up and move on with life on the basis that maybe I'm just not meant to have 3 dc. I find the uncertainty, suspense and crashing upset cycle really hard going. Is anyone else in this boat?

[annaif]

Hi BipBippadotta and thank you so much for your kind message.
I can't pretend to imagine how unbelievably traumatizing and life changing it is to lose a baby full term. There are no words to tell you how deeply sorry I am.
And I admire you deeply for finding the strength to keep going but even moreso for finding the strength to know when to stop the battle and accept what has happened and what may never be.
Your words ring so true about how shortsighted people appear to be to terrible losses that you, myself and all the other ladies in this thread (and beyond) have experienced. I don't know whether it's because it's a defense mechanism to blank out any difficult emotions or because they feel impervious to it, as it hasn't happened to them.
I was also told by everyone (including medical professionals) that the probability of having another late loss or a stillbirth after our second term mmc was minute; yet I have heard so many stories through MN and other forums of ladies who have had back to back late losses or late mc's and stillbirths, with no apparent reason.
I don't know how much this alarming rate of pregnancy losses in this day and age in a western country has to do with the minimal antenatal care offered by the NHS- which is brilliant and amazing but ONLY if things go well.

I have also found that even as a high risk patient, the care is nowhere near as thorough and consistent as it should be- unless one has and is willing to shell out £££ to go privately.

Honestly, I wish I could give you a hug. Lots of love to you xx

[BipBippadotta]

anna I'm so sorry to read about your losses. I know exactly how you feel about the terror of going through pregnancy again - not to mention all the investigations, etc, it would take to get there. I've also been told countless times (and generally by doctors, who should really know better) that I'm bound to have a healthy baby if I keep trying, because I don't seem to have trouble conceiving naturally. Except that it takes anywhere from 9-18 months each time, and only once has a pregnancy of mine resulted in a full-term, genetically normal baby (who died nonetheless). It's as though people are blind to your personal experience - they can't even take it in. I think people often can't when a baby has died.

So sorry about what you've been through, and hoping it gets easier.

[annaif]

I am so sorry to hear everyone's stories here; at the same time, reading all the posts made me feel less alone and more understood. It also reinforces my increasing belief that there is indeed life and happiness after rmc's and making the decision to stop ttc.
We are incredibly lucky to have a healthy happy 4.5 year old boy who's starting school in September.
Started ttc for baby #2 when he was 13 months old and since then we have gone through 16 months of ttc without results followed by a mmc at 20 weeks. This devastating fact was reinforced by an even more traumatizing unexpected home birth of our baby the day after we found out the had stopped growing at 17 weeks and an emergency rush to a hospital to deal with my bleeding etc.

Since then we have had 2 more miscarriages at 9.5 and 8.5 weeks respectively (one over Christmas abroad), one D+C, two EPRC's and endless rmc investigations in St Mary's, Dr Shehata, the Coventry team, the Lister clinic and UCLH.
I now may have some answers about what has possibly caused all this as in I have been found to have slightly elevated uNK's and high blood NKs and currently on Shehata's ttc treatment plan. But I am also 40 and my last two losses could very well have been due to reduced egg quality...

It just feels that we are approaching the end of our ttc journey after our last loss last November.
For us it's not a matter of "relaxing about it and letting it happen naturally" or about another pregnancy "bound to happen as we have conceived so many times before", advice I have often been offered by well meaning friends/relatives.

It's about the heartache, pain and stress that our little family has already endured and how much more we can humanly take. It's about my DH not bearing the idea of having to "pick me up from the floor" again literally and metaphorically. It's about my little boy still remembering the time that "mummy had a baby in her tummy" and actually asking me whether he "died mummy, didn't he?"

It's about battling depression, dealing with bereavement, coping with all these terrible feelings of guilt about not managing to give a sibling to my child and another child to my husband, feeling like a failure as a result and seeing everyone around us going on to have their second and for some, their third babies in the amount of time we've been trying to complete our family.
It's also to do with the fact that despite wanting a second child more than anything, I don't know how I would possibly cope with another pregnancy and the stress/anxiety/pressure that would result in.

And the reality is, that we are so lucky to have this wonderful child in our lives that this is really all we should be focusing on. But the pain is always there and will always be there when we think about all these babies that never made it and all the siblings our son may have had and what may have been ....

Time does help with accepting certain things we can't change and to live with what has happened, but it doesn't ever take the pain of the loss and longing for another baby away.

Lots of love to all of you/us who are going through this very tough journey.

[BipBippadotta]

Movingforward I'm so, so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby boy and subsequent miscarriages. Full of admiration for you for having the fire in your belly again.

Much love to everyone who's going through / struggling after losses - it's so desperately hard sometimes.

[passmyglass]

Samk that's great news. Dogs are so therapeutic and good for your health in all sorts of ways. I'm sure you'll find a lovely one.

[samk15]

Bip I'm so very sorry to hear your story. Hope the house project helps to focus on something else ( and less heartbreaking)
Pass thank you for the welcome. Totally get the collecting more pets, we are going to get a puppy because I definitely need something positive to focus on. Otherwise the grief just swallows you up doesn't it.

Thinking of everyone today.

[movingforwardagain]

Hi I have just miscarried (a long and drawn out one), have had previous early losses, endured IVF and, tragically, my baby boy died at just a few weeks old, caused by a congenital heart defect. I swing between giving up and pursuing the dream that I am so many years into. I would say that right now I am getting the fire back in my belly to go for it again but it obviously gets harder each set back to think like that. And yes, time is against me so who knows if that decision will be taken out of my hands. Sending you all love.

[passmyglass]

Hello everyone again. Welcome bip ruby monkey sam and storey. So sorry to hear all of your stories - i think mc is shit in so many ways. Every mc story is a tradgedy to be grieved over, what ever stage it occours. Although bip, i must say i think stillbirth is a whole other level. My heart breaks for you. Hugs to you all.
I think i might get yet another rescue pet to fill the void. I know, its a bit crap to make jokes. Quite seriously, every time its happened to me, my little scruffy, podgy but much beloved mutt dog sticks to me like glue and i find him a source of great comfort, in some ways more so than my dh!

[rubyfeet]

I'm sorry to hear that Bip, sounds absolutely horrendous- I hope you find happiness and good luck.

[BipBippadotta]

A bit late to this discussion, but I gave up trying a couple of months ago after a full term stillbirth, 3 miscarriages and a failed round of IVF. I just don't have it in me to do it to myself and my DH anymore. I wouldn't say I'm happy with it, but what's helped me to give up is throwing myself into a big life project (moving house) that can take up all the obsessive energy I've spent on ttc for the past 5 years and give me a sense of forward progress after so long in a miserable holding pattern.

Good luck to everyone making such a hard decision.

[samk15]

Thanks storey, I've been referred to the recurrent miscarriage clinic too. Hopefully it will be of some use to both of us.
Ruby that's what in telling myself anyway, it's all I've got at the moment, my instinct and following my heart. Probably really stupid.

[rubyfeet]

And you're probs right Sam- best to trust your instinct.

[rubyfeet]

That's good Storey.

It's shit you had to wait that long.

[10storeylovesong]

Hugs back at you.

I've just come out of gp's and they're now referring me to recurrent miscarriage clinic so I suppose I've got to at least give that a chance.

[samk15]

Ruby and Storey feel a bit the same, when is the time to say enough is enough. But For me though I will make sure I have pursued all the medical tests they can throw at me (and my partner) I need to rule everything out as far as possible. I may still never get an answer but I know that I've tried.

However it's a different journey for all of us and I think that you have to trust your instinct, and as you say there is only so much heartache we can take. Sending you hugs because quite frankly we need them at the moment.

[rubyfeet]

You poor thing Storey. I am sorry that must be awful.

I guess it depends on how much heartache you can/are prepared to get through and how awful your life would be without a child(ren)

[10storeylovesong]

That's exactly how what I'm thinking Ruby. I've had 4 early ones in 6 months. Nowhere near as devastating as those who have late losses. But when do I stop? When do I give up?

[rubyfeet]

I'm considering after 1st pregnancy and first miscarriage (37). I have convinced myself my eggs are shit.

I really don't want to go through another miscarriage, worse miscarry a 20 week baby or have a baby with downs syndrome. I know that sounds like a negative and I know many mothers love their children whatever- but it's not what I want.

I'm thinking avoid the possible heartache, quit whilst I'm ahead and try to consider a life without a child (1 is all I wanted- would've been happy with that).

Am I happy about it?

No not really, but perhaps I will be and perhaps it is for the best. I may change my mind, it's early days yet. But, I'm not sure I want to take that risk. What about women who have 5 miscarriages and still nothing to show for it- just feel that could be me. And once you start down that road- when do you stop?

[10storeylovesong]

Some of your stories have very much put things into perspective for me today. I've been sat sobbing as my 4th chemical in 6 months started last night after 2.5 years of ttc #2. I am so so lucky to have a 3 year old ds at home. He was born 13 weeks prem after a large blood clot on my placenta but he is now a happy and healthy preschooler. I need to focus on what I do have, and not what I don't.

I'm so sorry for all of you going through this xx

[samk15]

Gosh some of these are such sad stories. I'm so sorry for all of you. I don't have any living DC and I'm currently waiting to miscarry for the third time. Got to 9 weeks this time which is the furthest I've ever got. I had 2 mmc last year ( first one started on my birthday!) I am so angry. Part of me feel so defeated and I'm gutted that my body has let me down again. But I just know in my heart of hearts I can't give up yet. If i can't be a mum I don't know what else there is for me.

[monkeytree]

Oh and I meant to say, I'm really sorry to hear about all the loss that has happened to so many ladies x

[monkeytree]

Hi, I have 2 dd's and had a late miscarriage last year at 20 weeks. I am ttc again but I think it is highly unlikely I will be successful because I am 42 with low ovarian reserve. I feel cheated and robbed at losing dc3 and wanted to reclaim that. Each month that goes by, I realise it is more and more unlikely. In fact, I think I would be terrified if I did become pregnant again for fearing another loss, it is devastating. Nevertheless, I'm giving it another try. However, I'm not sure I could have the strength to carry on ttc if i mc again, I guess I'm working on the premise it's not going to happen again (a pregnancy or a miscarriage!)

[passmyglass]

So sorry to hear that yorkshire . Are you doing the drugs or just waiting it out? How are you feeling today? And lost how are you? I hope you both had supportive partners looking after you over the weekend?
justhere I'll be keeping everything crossed for you... This might be lame as youve prob gone past this ages ago, but have you bought a big bunch of ovulation sticks off ebay? I find them very helpful for ttc.
blue i tried to push for testing of removed material after mc3 but im certain the hospital didnt do it. There seemed to be quite a few fuckups with my case. Anyway, i had an appointment, but the consultant was shit and there was more or less a lot of shoulder shrugging because ive had 2 easy pregnancies, then he offered me bloodtests but told me they were fairly pointless, prescribed me asprin (which i told him i would not be taking, since im allergic to it). And that was that. To be fair, i can understand why they cant really come up with a solution in my case.

[YorkshireTeaDrinker]

I am waiting to miscarry my third pregnancy. I have one lovely, healthy DD (5). Had a mc at 9 weeks 3 years ago. Found out I was pregnant a couple of weeks ago, after we backed out of IVF as our chances of success were pretty low. Had a 6 week scan on Wednesday, showed a sac measuring 5 weeks. Blood tests on Friday confirm hcg levels not rising as expected, so told this pregnancy isn't viable. Now cramping and spotting, so I expect the end is imminent.

I had pretty much reconciled myself to one before I found out I was pregnant. Now I am about to miscarry again, I think I need to cement that decision. Having an unexpected spontaneous conception does dangle a modicum of hope, but I really don't think I can do this again. It's time to get rid of the cot and buggy ( the baby clothes went years ago) and embrace the benefits of being a family of 3.

Justhere . I hope this year does bring you a sticky bfp. Are you having assisted conception? We were unexplained before we managed a surprise natural conception with DD. Then back to unexplained secondary infertility. I found we were funnelled fairly quickly to IVF, with all cheaper, less invasive options dismissed. I remember asking about clomid at our initial consultation at the (private) fertility clinic, and was told it wasn't worth trying as it only had a 10% chance of success. But they were happy to take £5k off us for IVF that had a less than 30% chance of success. I would have rather just paid a fiver for clomid and had an outside punt on that working.

[JustHereForThePooStories]

No children here. Have been TTCing for years and unexplained infertility is destroying me. I'm almost 34 so, while I still have time, I don't have the mental or emotional capacity for this any more.

We've agreed that, if I'm not pregnant by the end of this year, we'll stop trying and focus again on all the many other things we've wanted out of life.