Hi lovely ladies, firstly I want to tell you all how sorry I am for your losses. And secondly I know how you all feel as I have been through all the emotions a person can have with each and every miscarriage I’ve had. 2 weeks ago I’ve had my 3rd miscarriage confirmed although I’ve been pregnant 4 times. This is a great thread and I would like to belong to this group. We can give support to each other, even if we sit in silence with each other and hold our hand and offer our shoulder to cry on. No words can comfort us during these turmoil times.
With 1st m/c I was very angry. With 2nd one I was very depressed and lost the plot completely with DH. I was very angry with life. With the 3rd one I was very sad and I thought it was the end of the road for me/us. And this last one 2 weeks ago I feel numb and a bit relieved.
When DH and I met in 2009 I knew he had a vasectomy (he has 2 children from previous marriage) and I was happy back then as I wasn’t feeling maternal at all. I always wanted to have children with the right person and he has turned out to be the ONE! I was previously married before him and never wanted children with my ex. I used to joke and tell my ex that he would never be the father of my children, therefore we never tried TTC. DH and I started dating and things got serious and we both changed our views on life and wanted kids. We wanted the whole picture together but little did we know that it would be the hardest struggle of our lives. No one can understand what if feels like unless you have been through it yourself.
In 2011 we contacted the surgeon who performed his vasectomy for a reversal and were told that it would be impossible and it wouldn’t work. In 2012 we started our IVF journey and the clinic told us that a reversal would not work and that sperm aspiration could be performed. We were okay with that but fate would slap me hard in the face as clinic would treat me only using donor eggs (I was 42 back then). I cried for days on end. I felt so robbed of life and my genetics! But I rose from it and if donor eggs would get me the family I wanted I was going through with it. Clinic was saying that donor eggs were the way forward and that we had a very good chance of a BFP, and so we made the leap of faith. And indeed we got a BFP and I was due 16/12/13, a few days before my birthday! Sadly we saw no hb at 5 nor 6 weeks so I had to stop all medication and wait to miscarry naturally. First few days I was okay but one day I woke up and I felt so angry with life, with DH, with everything really. I accused DH of ruining my life as I was happy feeling non maternal back then. I said horrible things to him as I saw that he wasn’t feeling like I was, but he kept saying he had to be the strong one in our journey.
A few months after we started our 2nd round of IVF and by then I was feeling slightly more positive. We had kept our baby plans our secret as we knew that if things came out his ex, being the conniving jealous person she is, would jump on the band wagon. And as good things happen to bad people she would get lucky and we would be left grieving and suffering in life. (Oh my, was I right!) 2nd round we got another BFP. Everything was perfect and baby was developing very well as we went every week to the clinic for a scan. I felt great! Week 9 I went for a scan and baby’s heart had stopped beating. My life came tumbling down once again. All we did was cry for days on end. I felt so empty, so robbed of my dreams. And so the cat was out of the bag as lots of people had seen us in hospital when we went for the EPRC. One day DH came home saying that his daughter was saying that her mother wanted to have a baby too. (she has been with her toy boy for 5 years and never wanted children, and now that we were trying she wanted one?! What a coincidence!). That is when I totally lost the plot with DH as he kept saying that ‘what if she wanted a baby’. ‘Hello!!! She made you have a vasectomy which we are now suffering the consequences of and what if she wants a baby now!!!!!!’ I had a nervous breakdown and broke my laptop and the remote control, and I could have easily broken his neck and felt nothing, just like I felt after losing my 2nd baby.
3rd cycle came by and I knew it wouldn’t work. Eggs took forever to fertilise and when they eventually took I had them transferred and it was a BFN. We were both so sad. Nobody understood us. All we did was cry and again he had to be the strong one and make me rise like the Phoenix. My parents felt for us and cried with us but his mum lives in a denial bubble and everyone’s problem is greater than ours. And although she asks after me and us in our journey she cuts the conversation short.
On 19th May 2014 we took another leap of faith and he had his vasectomy reversed with Mr Duncan Harris. We had nothing to loose and lots to gain if the reversal worked. Surgeon was very happy with the operation and we were feeling very hopeful. Whilst he was recovering on the hospital bed we started talking and we kept saying that the suffering was not over yet, and how right we were!! 2 weeks after his ex announced her pregnancy and she is due her c-section on 16/12/14, exactly the date my 1st baby would have turned one. Little bit ironic, huh! Life constantly slaps my face, time and time again…
Imagine TTC after the reversal with those sort of news hanging over our heads. DH has been in a foul mood and when I tell him it’s because he feels cheated once again by his ex he denies it. Emotionally I have hit rock bottom but pretend things are alright. I feel a constant emptiness and my heart hurts a lot. Everyday I cry and everyday I think about my baby and my losses. A colleague of mine is also pregnant and is due 1 week before DH’s ex and it hurts to see her everyday. I make small talk with her about the pregnancy but I prefer living in my own world, because it hurts less.
Last month after we DTD on the peak days (with all the stress) I knew I had gotten pregnant but we put the symptoms aside as surely WE couldn’t be that lucky!!! I did a couple of tests and they were negative and after AF was 1 week late something burst inside my belly and I had a very heavy flow. Went for a checkup and doctor confirmed I had had a chemical pregnancy. This month has been hard for DH. It has been hard for him to concentrate to DTD. This loss I feel numb. I laugh, I joke, I put on my brave face but I feel numb. On the other hand we also feel relieved because we know his reversal has worked, so we have to keep thinking that every cloud has a silver lining.
Sorry for such a long post, but I need to tell someone or I’ll explode. You ladies know how I feel as unfortunately you have been there too.