emotions after miscarriage

[Mrsm14]

Hi all,

I wanted to start this thread as I had read some similar earlier threads from lovely mumsnetters, but they were from several years ago and aren't active now. I have found I am feeling pretty overwhelmed at times, so I wondered if anyone else out there is feeling the same and could do with a sounding board / some hand holding.

We had been trying for about 8 months for our first baby and I had a miscarriage nearly 5 weeks ago while on holiday, at 8-9 weeks. I had an ERPC on holiday, then flew home. Since then I have had two courses of antibiotics for suspected infection (it wasn't in the end), additional scan and blood tests because of suspected remaining product (there weren't any) and 2 weeks of thrush, which finally went this weekend. I went back to work 2 weeks after the miscarriage and on the whole, I think things have been getting better, although it's been very up and down with emotions. Then for the last few days - I think since I got my first period on Saturday actually - I have felt this constant sadness. I initially felt relieved, maybe even a bit happy to have my period, but then I crashed and have felt crappy ever since. It's there when I wake up and it's there pretty much all day. I feel tired and lethargic and everything feels a little bit empty / without meaning in a way. I feel like I should be feeling better by now and am really upset by how hard it has hit me. I want to feel stronger and ready to try again but I'm not sure if I am. I am terrified I am getting depressed - I had problems last year with anxiety and depression - and that I will be told I need drugs, which I don't want. Some days I feel like I have just totally lost the plot! I just want someone to fix everything really. God that is a right old whinge, sorry.

I think it's all just really lonely and it might help to have a live thread for people who are a few days/weeks/months on, to share how they are feeling. Alternatively, everyone else may well be doing fine and I am a big old whining mess (sob)

E x

[Katie6391]

Hi Mrsm14
I just wanted to post and say I know exactly how you feel. I had mmc at 13 weeks in August last year and it really knocked me. I had had anxiety issues before the miscarriage and I was worried they would come back too. I found cognitive behavioural therapy (cbt) worked and I use it still today. I really didn't want to take medication as a sort term fix and cbt taught me how to deal with the anxiety. Maybe it could help with the miscarriage emotions? Xxx

[rascalrae]

I've had a really tough weekend, feeling quite depressed & lost. I've found that the constantly changing emotions have been hard & exhausting to deal with. I have days where I'm starting to feel more positive, I've focused on a recovery plan, listing things I enjoy doing & little projects to do. I've been exercising more & going to reflexology to help with relaxation & sleep. And then I lose it again. Something will set me off & I can only see the gloom.

This weekend has been particularly shit as I've seen lots of friends with kids or bumps & it was the main source of conversation. I had decided not to tell anyone about the miscarriage as I didn't want to make things awkward. But it was so hard! I'm so jealous & upset that they can enjoy their pregnancies while mine was taken from me. What made it harder was that DH lost it this weekend. A combination of the past few weeks of sadness & stress at work, he couldn't bare to speak to my friends or family so it was awkward & uncomfortable for me. I also resented the fact that he couldn't hold it together when I had managed to socialise with his family 4 days after my ERPC. I wanted to be supportive but he really let me down.

I don't know how to get back to 'normal'. I feel me & DH are drifting apart because I'm still so sad & don't feel up to being physically intimate. I'm hoping some time away will help but this is all so hard. I've suffered with anxiety & depression in the past but nothing like this. As Katie said, CBT can really help but I find its better for dealing with irrational thoughts; this is full blown grieving. I guess I just have to continue with my different coping strategies & feel pleased that they work some days. Just not today

[jesterbun]

Rascal - I feel like I could have written half your post myself. Moving on is proving so hard. My weekend has been tough too - receiving a letter detailing my 20 week scan details didn't help yesterday despite the fact that the hospital assured me it would be cancelled following my erpc. Grieving is exhausting and it's really hard when you don't feel that you are on the same page as your DH. I hope tomorrow is a better day. X

[St4rfish]

Have just read through all the posts and I think nearly everything that has been said I've experienced at some point. I know it's a cliche but it does get easier with time, although the frustration and unfairness you feel at being unable to conceive easily afterwards doesn't go away I think.

MrsM, to answer your question from earlier in the thread about how far along the road I am, it has been 14 months since my miscarriage and 11 months since we started trying to conceive again. We went back to the GP in January as it had taken us two years to conceive last time and after waiting for 6 months for a consultant appointment, were sent away to try naturally for another 6 months. Our next appointment is in December, and we will have been trying for our first child for 4 years by that point. I feel increasingly angry about the miscarriage I had - I keep being told that it is a good sign, but I feel like a) it ruined 6 months of my life as I was so unwell afterwards and took that long to 'recover' and b) I would probably be getting some medical help by now if I had never been pregnant last year, even though it was only for 12 weeks.

I don't have a single friend without children so feel very alone in this and not helped by all the 'you are more fertile after miscarriage' crap that seems to get peddled about.

Sorry for the rant, feeling very negative this morning! I'll be back to looking forward to the next cycle of trying tomorrow I'm sure...

[Mrsm14]

Morning all. I was away for the weekend for my wedding anniversary, so haven't been online at all. Sorry to everyone who has had a crappy few days - and rascal, honestly, I totally get what you're saying. I had a cry at my desk (no one else was in my office) on Friday and was getting really worried about going away and trying to have a romantic weekend when I have felt anything but. Sorry if TMI but haven't had ANY action with the husband since the miscarriage (and actually for a couple of weeks before that) as I just couldn't face it, or the thought of making a decision about whether that meant we were trying again or trying not to. Anyway. I went away and actually we did have a good time. Still ups and downs, but I felt properly relaxed at points and had some smiles and laughs. So it can happen! I think a change of scenery, if you can get it, can help. I was worried we were drifting too but I think maybe we are all being really hard on ourselves and forgetting that there would be ups and downs anyway and we have added pressure and grief. I just keep saying to myself 'this too shall pass' and trying not to get into a spiral of doom! I actually went and got my hair done in a really nice salon on Friday night and it sounds like a cliche, but it did perk me up. Had loads chopped off and I walked out looking totally different. Plus I felt really pampered, was given wine and a head massage, and just left feeling a tiny bit fresher. Little things can help sometimes and I am also trying to make the most of good moments but it is bloody hard!

katie thanks for the message re CBT - I actually had CBT last summer for panic attacks and it really helped, so I went back to see my therapist last week. Was only going to go as a one off but have decided to give it a few sessions and see if that helps. I think a lot of it is grief, but I do compound it with irrational thoughts, so it might help a bit. We'll see.

st4rfish don't apologise for the rant - all rants welcome here! Sorry you're having a shit morning. It is all a load of bollocks. Sometimes a good ranty swear is the only way to go :)

[Mrsm14]

Oh by the way - the other thing I have noticed is that I am completely distracted at work. I just feel like I can't be bothered and none of it is interesting to me anymore. I think I feel really resentful that, instead of counting down to my maternity leave, I am now here indefinitely and it is making me wonder what on earth I should be doing with my life. Has anyone else had a bit of soul searching (why am I here, what am I doing with my life etc) going on? I've never really known what I want to do, and have jumped from one thing to the next, but this has really brought it all back with a vengeance!

[thesmallbear]

Hi, all not been on here for a few days.

Mrsm14 - earlier in the thread you asked for people's thoughts on trying again. Right after the miscarriage I couldn't even think of trying again. It was one of the first things people asked when I told them about the MC, 'oh, when can you try again,' and I thought 'this baby's not even cold yet.' I don't think that people realise that making a new baby won't make the loss of this baby go away. I explained it to my other half by saying, 'well if your mum died would people say "oh it's ok 'cause you still have a dad." It honestly felt like people were saying 'well as long as you can make a new one, then this one won't matter anymore.'

Then quite quickly I did start to feel that I wanted to try again. A new baby won't make me forget the one I lost, but I felt that it would help my recovery. Shortly after I starred feeling this way, my friend invited me to go on a girlie holiday to Ibiza in mid-September. I thought, 'you know what, I bloody deserve a holiday!' and booked up. We were going to start trying and if we were successful before the holiday I'd just have to be sensible, but then I thought to myself 'it seems a bit silly to get deliberately pregnant before a holiday to Ibiza.' I also think that although a successful pregnancy may help my recovery, if the same happened again so soon I may end up in the loony bin. I also had concerns about the same thing happening again in a foreign country where I don't know where the hospitals are and I don't speak the language. Also, there are just two of us going on this holiday, so my friend's holiday would be completely ruined if I ended up spending the whole time in hospital having another MC. It was a head over heart decision and we are going to start trying again in October.

[Mrsm14]

Yeah, we're sort of going with the 'let's see what happens' approach, after much umming and ahhing and I thought that felt like the right decision, but then the thought of all of this happening again does terrify me and I don't know how the hell I would cope with that. Even today has been crazy - woke up feeling alright, then found myself crying in the loo just now for no apparent reason. Euurrrgghhh. not sure if there is any such thing as a right decision at the moment, I am second guessing everything!

[CurlyJay19]

Hi lovely ladies, firstly I want to tell you all how sorry I am for your losses. And secondly I know how you all feel as I have been through all the emotions a person can have with each and every miscarriage I’ve had. 2 weeks ago I’ve had my 3rd miscarriage confirmed although I’ve been pregnant 4 times. This is a great thread and I would like to belong to this group. We can give support to each other, even if we sit in silence with each other and hold our hand and offer our shoulder to cry on. No words can comfort us during these turmoil times.

With 1st m/c I was very angry. With 2nd one I was very depressed and lost the plot completely with DH. I was very angry with life. With the 3rd one I was very sad and I thought it was the end of the road for me/us. And this last one 2 weeks ago I feel numb and a bit relieved.
When DH and I met in 2009 I knew he had a vasectomy (he has 2 children from previous marriage) and I was happy back then as I wasn’t feeling maternal at all. I always wanted to have children with the right person and he has turned out to be the ONE! I was previously married before him and never wanted children with my ex. I used to joke and tell my ex that he would never be the father of my children, therefore we never tried TTC. DH and I started dating and things got serious and we both changed our views on life and wanted kids. We wanted the whole picture together but little did we know that it would be the hardest struggle of our lives. No one can understand what if feels like unless you have been through it yourself.

In 2011 we contacted the surgeon who performed his vasectomy for a reversal and were told that it would be impossible and it wouldn’t work. In 2012 we started our IVF journey and the clinic told us that a reversal would not work and that sperm aspiration could be performed. We were okay with that but fate would slap me hard in the face as clinic would treat me only using donor eggs (I was 42 back then). I cried for days on end. I felt so robbed of life and my genetics! But I rose from it and if donor eggs would get me the family I wanted I was going through with it. Clinic was saying that donor eggs were the way forward and that we had a very good chance of a BFP, and so we made the leap of faith. And indeed we got a BFP and I was due 16/12/13, a few days before my birthday! Sadly we saw no hb at 5 nor 6 weeks so I had to stop all medication and wait to miscarry naturally. First few days I was okay but one day I woke up and I felt so angry with life, with DH, with everything really. I accused DH of ruining my life as I was happy feeling non maternal back then. I said horrible things to him as I saw that he wasn’t feeling like I was, but he kept saying he had to be the strong one in our journey.

A few months after we started our 2nd round of IVF and by then I was feeling slightly more positive. We had kept our baby plans our secret as we knew that if things came out his ex, being the conniving jealous person she is, would jump on the band wagon. And as good things happen to bad people she would get lucky and we would be left grieving and suffering in life. (Oh my, was I right!) 2nd round we got another BFP. Everything was perfect and baby was developing very well as we went every week to the clinic for a scan. I felt great! Week 9 I went for a scan and baby’s heart had stopped beating. My life came tumbling down once again. All we did was cry for days on end. I felt so empty, so robbed of my dreams. And so the cat was out of the bag as lots of people had seen us in hospital when we went for the EPRC. One day DH came home saying that his daughter was saying that her mother wanted to have a baby too. (she has been with her toy boy for 5 years and never wanted children, and now that we were trying she wanted one?! What a coincidence!). That is when I totally lost the plot with DH as he kept saying that ‘what if she wanted a baby’. ‘Hello!!! She made you have a vasectomy which we are now suffering the consequences of and what if she wants a baby now!!!!!!’ I had a nervous breakdown and broke my laptop and the remote control, and I could have easily broken his neck and felt nothing, just like I felt after losing my 2nd baby.
3rd cycle came by and I knew it wouldn’t work. Eggs took forever to fertilise and when they eventually took I had them transferred and it was a BFN. We were both so sad. Nobody understood us. All we did was cry and again he had to be the strong one and make me rise like the Phoenix. My parents felt for us and cried with us but his mum lives in a denial bubble and everyone’s problem is greater than ours. And although she asks after me and us in our journey she cuts the conversation short.

On 19th May 2014 we took another leap of faith and he had his vasectomy reversed with Mr Duncan Harris. We had nothing to loose and lots to gain if the reversal worked. Surgeon was very happy with the operation and we were feeling very hopeful. Whilst he was recovering on the hospital bed we started talking and we kept saying that the suffering was not over yet, and how right we were!! 2 weeks after his ex announced her pregnancy and she is due her c-section on 16/12/14, exactly the date my 1st baby would have turned one. Little bit ironic, huh! Life constantly slaps my face, time and time again…
Imagine TTC after the reversal with those sort of news hanging over our heads. DH has been in a foul mood and when I tell him it’s because he feels cheated once again by his ex he denies it. Emotionally I have hit rock bottom but pretend things are alright. I feel a constant emptiness and my heart hurts a lot. Everyday I cry and everyday I think about my baby and my losses. A colleague of mine is also pregnant and is due 1 week before DH’s ex and it hurts to see her everyday. I make small talk with her about the pregnancy but I prefer living in my own world, because it hurts less.

Last month after we DTD on the peak days (with all the stress) I knew I had gotten pregnant but we put the symptoms aside as surely WE couldn’t be that lucky!!! I did a couple of tests and they were negative and after AF was 1 week late something burst inside my belly and I had a very heavy flow. Went for a checkup and doctor confirmed I had had a chemical pregnancy. This month has been hard for DH. It has been hard for him to concentrate to DTD. This loss I feel numb. I laugh, I joke, I put on my brave face but I feel numb. On the other hand we also feel relieved because we know his reversal has worked, so we have to keep thinking that every cloud has a silver lining.

Sorry for such a long post, but I need to tell someone or I’ll explode. You ladies know how I feel as unfortunately you have been there too.

[littlesparrow22]

I am glad to have found this thread....I miscarried at home naturally on Monday morning after a traumatic 24 hours in hospital. I was 10 weeks at 2 days pregnant.. I thought I was doing okay until today! I feel completely lost and overwhelmed, I have a fantastic husband and a two and half year old son....but it's hit me hard today and I really don't know where to turn :( My brother is expecting their first baby and they conceived at the exact same time as us.... I just cannot cope with seeing them at the moment, it just feels too painful..... I need to feel better :( any advice would be much appreciated and my heart goes out to all in the same situation..

[thesmallbear]

I have an update on the woman who was off work sick and her friend told me it was because she's pregnant. The woman came back in for a couple of days on a phased return and is now off sick again. My boss is on holiday this week, so when the woman tried to call in she got through to me. She said 'strictly between you and me I'm pregnant...' Only my boss, the friend and now me know at work. She said she's felt a bit awkward when back in the office but doesn't want to tell anyone until after her scan. She said she's worried that her being so ill is a bad sign (I was dying to tell her that's a really good sign). She also said she's been worried due to her age (late 30s I think, maybe even 40 but she doesn't look it).

I had been dreading being told, but actually I found myself really rooting for her. She's such a nice women and I think I'm going to talk about my situation openly with her when she's back in the office. Only a handful of people in the office know about the miscarriage, but it''s not a secret as such. Actually, I think more people should talk about miscarriage as the whole experience would be less isolating if it wasn't so hidden. Some of the younger ones in the team are a bit gossipy and bitchy so I wouldn't tell them and it's not like you can drop it into most conversations, but it's definitely not a secret. Also, if you only tell mature respectful people, they will keep it to themselves.

littlesparrow I am sorry for your loss. Of course you are still hurting as it was so recent. I had a miscarriage around 11th of June and I still think about the baby I lost everyday. We are due to move house soon and when we do, we are going to get a big plant pot and plant some kind of nice shrub or flower in the babies memory. Maybe you could do something similar to remember your baby by? You need to give yourself time, be kind to yourself and take as much time off work as you need.

[thesmallbear]

I didn't say congratulations on the phone but only because it's an open plan office and if I didn't want to let the cat out of the bag! Hopefully she'll understand that's why I didn't say 'congratulations.' I have emailed her to say 'congrats, didn't want to say that on the phone as there were people about to eavesdrop.' I was very chatty and sympathetic about her feeling ill, so think it's ok.

When I got of the phone I emailed the friend and said 'that was x on the phone, she's told me herself now so you don't have to feel bad about telling me anymore.' I emailed rather than going to speak to her as she was sat next to someone who could have overheard. She didn't reply to my email though so i hope she's not annoyed at me for some reason.

[littlesparrow22]

Thank you so much for the messages, I think just knowing that your not alone really helps :) My husband has been amazing, but as you said Torib34, I think the emotional roller coaster is difficult for anyone to cope with.
That's a good idea about the plant small bear, I think I just need to do something to acknowledge it has happened, family members just seem to want me to forget about it and move on.....I'm not quite there yet.

I look forward to the day that I can think about the baby and know that what happened was okay, that it was for the best and it was completely out of my control........My heart feels so heavy right now......
thank you for the support, it has helped a lotxxxxxxxxxx

[Mrsm14]

Just wanted to check in and say so sorry for your losses to the new ladies on here. Hopefully over time we will all be on here chatting about how we are feeling a bit better x

[Olive1987]

I hope this is the right place to post. Perhaps others have been through the same -

I've had two miscarriages now in 3 months both at exactly 6 weeks. The first was so upsetting and took me a while to regain myself, I would randomly cry thinking about it.

The second one, I was sad at the hospital when they confirmed it. After that I havnt even felt sad, I don't feel like I need to cry, even when I talk about it to others. It's like I feel nothing. I know it never had a heartbeat and I am sad that I lost it but I don't feel like I'm grieving for it. I went in to work the very next day and basically forgot about it.

Is this normal?

[charlieis30]

Hi Olive
I think it's normal. I rang my family to tell them about my 2nd today and my brother said "I think it's great you're taking all this so well". Wasn't until much later today that I started crying after googling how long it's going to take to actually MC - I managed to freak myself out. I think basically any emotion is totally justified at the moment.

[jesterbun]

Tori - give yourself time and you will get there too. I had my mc about a month ago and in the first couple of weeks really struggled with how "together" my DH was about it all. Time is a healer though. I still have times when I feel incredibly sad about what has happened but I've started to accept it now. Suddenly you realise you've got through a day without crying. I think it is totally normal for us women to take a bit longer to adjust to something so horrible.

[Mrsm14]

I totally agree. It must be about 7 or 8 weeks so ce my miscarriage and it says a lot I suppose that I've stopped counting. I only started feeling properly better a couple of weeks ago. Still have my moments but on the whole I'm feeling happier and also stronger. For me, making a conscious decision to take a break from ttc while I dealt with the loss really worked but for some people I'm sure it wouldn't at all. And my husband seemed to be dealing with it so much better than me - then when we were at a wedding this weekend and someone asked if we planned on having kids he welled up and I was fine. It's horrible how sometimes it hits out out of nowhere, but it really does get better xx

[strawberry12]

I'm so sorry for all of your losses.
Thank you to all for sharing experiences and thoughts on here. Reading everyone's posts is so helpful.
Mrsm14 - your message on 28 July really did capture my thoughts and feelings - I really have been 'soul searching' over the past few weeks. It has been 8 weeks since I discovered my missed miscarriage and each day is different - some days are really tough, others less so. The one thing I do keep coming back to - and the thing that I think is stopping me from being able to move on - is the feeling that I was in some way responsible for what happened. I wondered if anyone could help with my question- and sorry, this is in a way more of a medical question -
When I was pregnant, I went swimming outside and became very cold as a result (I took my temperature and it seemed dangerously low). Though I warmed up quite quickly, I can't stop fixating on the idea that this could have effected the baby. Does anyone know anything about low body temperatures and the effect in early pregnancy? There's so much information about the dangers of getting too hot but not much about getting cold. I really would appreciate any feedback. Thank you. X

[thesmallbear]

I thought I was doing well for a while but going through a bad patch these last few days. I just feel very heavy all the time. I hear people talking about their small children or showing others a photo on their phone to comments of 'oh s/he's beautiful' (so obviously a baby) and my heart sinks.

I thought I was doing ok for a while, but feel like I'm now constantly walking round with a heavy black cloud that won't leave me. Reminders are everywhere and I don't feel like many people would understanding me feeling like this, this far on.

[charlieis30]

Hi strawberry, it's pretty normal to wonder what you might have done wrong. I think it helps us think that when we get pregnant again we can prevent it by our actions. The fact is that it's probably not anything you did or could have done - just a baby whose life would have not been worth living due to serious chromosomal problems. If it makes you feel better go and see your GP. I literally had a huge list of "could it be this? could it be that" and she went through them all with me and reassured me it wasn't my fault. Specifically regarding your temperature, from what I understand, we tend to instinctively take action once our temp is to high or too low - we will get out of a too-hot bath naturally, for example, before it has the chance to do any damage. I think too-cold is probably the same. But seriously, go and see your GP.
x