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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

miscarriage at 6 weeks. husband thinks its nothing.

22 replies

lovelydaisies1 · 04/07/2013 09:55

I feel so hurt and let down by my husband. We only knew I was pregnant for 2 weeks before I started bleeding this week.

He seems to think as it was so early its nothing. He says it wouldve been better not to know. I noticed he'd searched for 'false positive pregnancy tests' on his computer like it wasn't even real.

I'm a nurse and supposed to be working sat night sun night this weekend, still bleeding and don't think I can face it but he says if I don't go in its like him just saying 'I think ill have a couple of days off work'. He says ill be fine by then.

He's normally so soft and always sympathetic about the slightest thing I can't believe he's being like this. I feel gutted about it all. Its bad enough but his attitude is just making it 10 times worse. He doesn't understand why I may be upset.

I thought he was a great husband and I imagined if I ever got pregnant with him he'd be amazing but he's been the opposite. Gutted.

I'm just expected to carry on as normal. I have 3 children and he has 2 from previous marriages so we arent desperate for more and the pregnancy came as a bit of a shock. I'm going to encourage him to have a vasectomy.

OP posts:
lovelydaisies1 · 04/07/2013 10:06

What I wondered is if I'm being over the top. I don't know. I'm confused. He absolutely adores his 2 children and is utterly devoted to them. He's an amazing dad and I wanted to share that experience with him. Lots of feelings going on.

OP posts:
Trinpy · 04/07/2013 10:23

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think there are a lot of men who behave like this. I don't know why. Maybe it makes it easier for them to play the loss down as not being real. Some men might think they are helping their partners to get back to normal by minimising what has happened.

My dh was a bit like this with me. Telling me I should forget about it and move on. In my case I told him that it wasn't healthy for me to forget about it. That the pregnancy was important to me and it is normal to grieve. This worked for us and dh is much more supportive now, but we still have times where we struggle.

theorchardkeeper · 04/07/2013 10:26

Firstly, sorry for your loss Thanks

I remember finding out I was accidentally pregnant, was very young and yet the second I saw the line go up the stick I remember thinking, 'shit, I have to keep it'. It was like someone flipped a switch and I couldn't see it as just a 'thing'. It was my baby-to-be and I was fiercely protective of that straight away. Despite my life essentially being turned upside down by the pregnancy I had a bleed at 7 weeks and was devastated at the idea of miscarrying, even that early on. I had no idea you could react like that until it happened to me so I do think that maybe, as he's not the one going through the hormonal/physical side of things it's very easy for him to see it as less significant and be objective about it.

It's obviously upsetting but have you sat him down and explained how strongly you feel/felt about the pregnancy and that you'd like that to be respected, even if he can't understand? Explain it's not easy for you to just carry on, especially as you're still being reminded of your loss every time you go to the toilet! I think communication is vital at this point, to avoid resentment and hurt.

Trinpy · 04/07/2013 10:26

Should add: you are not being over the top! It is completely normal for you to be grieving after an early loss.

theorchardkeeper · 04/07/2013 10:30

(agree with Trinpy - when I had that bleed I cried for 2 days straight & my poor mum didn't dare say a thing. You are reacting very normally to something very hard & should be able to react how you feel you want to, not how he feels you should. And yes, it may be a case of just trying to forget about it on his part & help you 'move on' in a clumsy way. You really need to just have a proper chat with him)

Startail · 04/07/2013 10:44

In my experience men can be lousy at dealing with things they 'cannot fix', they like to be able to do something about a situation, hence the googling.

When as you want is a rant, a cry and a cuddle it is not helpful.

lovelydaisies1 · 04/07/2013 10:47

Thanks guys. Makes me feel more normal. If he'd got me some flowers or something (as shallow as that sounds) to acknowledge it I think I would feels tons more valued (or maybe not, I may have given them back to him!). I guess all the pregnancy hormones are leaving and my big boobs that were growing at the rate of knotts are going and even though it was only for a couple of weeks I'd started to plan. Now I have weird clots coming out and cramp.

Thanks for sharing your stories with me and I'm sorry it happened to you too. I actually thought I wouldnt be bothered when I started spotting (partly due to the fact I have 3 beautiful children already and don't feel that we actually need more!) but that night the floodgates opened and I was far more affected than I ever thought.

Will try and talk to him but I can't make him feel what he doesn't. It was an experience. I don't want it to happen again.

OP posts:
grassalwayslooksgreener · 04/07/2013 10:54

Sorry for your loss,

I'm going through exactly the same thing with the difference that I was 12 weeks pg, DP is also showing he's 'not bothered' and saying I need to just forget about it and 'its just one of them things'. I understand that completely but I need to grieve for my baby.

Maybe women are more affected because we were carrying the baby? I don't know, but PM me if you need a chat.

lovelydaisies1 · 04/07/2013 11:09

12 weeks must be so much harder. I almost feel a fraud. But I know that after just a couple of weeks of knowing it was very real. Men are so weird. I have always been so proud of my hubby and his caring nature. He's always been a talker and had time for me and my problems but with this, bloody hell, it really is like he couldnt care less.

I guess men normally aren't broody by nature and probably given the choice many would be happy never to have to make that commitment and have the resposibility of being a father but when it happens they rise to the challenge and love it. Maybe a miscarriage gets them off the hook. I don't know. Just brain storming. But not nice being the one left alone to pick up the pieces of something so emotional.

Lots of love and hope you get some care, support and love xx

OP posts:
grassalwayslooksgreener · 04/07/2013 11:29

Hope you can get some support too, its such a hard thing to go through I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Sometimes just a hug would make it better but maybe men just don't get it??

Hugs and love to you, hope you're feeling better soon xxxx

Jollyb · 04/07/2013 13:28

Lovelydaisies - sorry you're going through this. It's an awful time and it really doesn't help when you feel unsupported.

My DP wasn't great with my MCs. He was quite matter of fact in a 'well it wasn't meant to be' type of way. I don't think it helped that we already had a DD and that his sisters had both had MCs before - he seemed to think that it wasn't that significant and that there wasn't any doubt that we'd go on to have another baby. Maybe that was the right way of thinking about it - but it didn't feel it at the time.

It's nearly a year since my last MC and I'm now 37 weeks pregnant, but I haven't been able to forget this - especially this week when he's had a wisdom tooth removed and expecting constant sympathy Sad.

We're all here for you Thanks

Northernlurker · 04/07/2013 13:39

A caring man doesn't suddenly become uncaring over night. I suspect that your dh cares very much about you and your feelings. The pregnancy will have been much less 'real' to him than it was to you. He wasn't carrying the child and he didn't get the benefit of the hormonal whammy that is pregnancy. So now he's in an unfamiliar situation of seeing you upset and having different (but no less deep) feelings himself. In a situation this complex frankly a lot of men will be a bit crap. Just give you both time to heal a bit and then try and think about what you both want.

theorchardkeeper · 04/07/2013 13:40

You don't need him to feel what you're feeling though...just to understand/respect what you are. If you were expecting him to react better than that and he's good generally then I'll bet it's a case of meaning well but going about it the wrong way.

Hope you manage to sort things out and feel better soon Smile

And a loss is a loss, no matter how far gone you are Thanks

escorpion · 04/07/2013 15:03

My DH was also crap after our loss. Also said it wasn´t a baby yet and at that point I just broke down hysterically because we had seen a heartbeat. He didn´t realise how much it affected me until then. I think men react like this to be strong in front of you, I think they also hurt too. It was difficult trying to understand DHs reaction. Also, I think he thought I would get over it quickly. In fact, people who haven´t been through this just don´t realise the ups and downs you have for some time after. Sending you love and thinking of you Flowers

Peppermintlover · 04/07/2013 15:32


Sorry for your loss, I had a miscarriage at six weeks in September and was heartbroken so don't feel you are being over the top. I was grateful it was early and I didn't need surgery but it didn't change fact I was pregnant, happy and excited and then bleeding and very upset. I took a day off work (but only worked part time) and it took a good few days to stop constantly crying. I think your husband is not handling this well at all, maybe he just doesn't know what to do or say, I am sorry he is not supporting you x x x

nectarini1983 · 04/07/2013 17:24

Sorry to hear your husband is being such!! Not trying to make excuses but he is probably hurting in his own way and by playing down the pregnancy detaches himself from having to process the emotions of what has happened.

If youre not up to work then call in sick, that's an easy one. Employers can't hold any pregnancy related absence against so if you need time then take it.

As for the vasectomy idea...definitely not to be decided at this stage as easy to do and hard to un do.

Id say just grieve in your own way, lean on friends and family to get yourself through this and hopefully you and hubby will be back on the same page further down the line amd you can tell him what an arse hes been and how hes let you down.

My husband learned a very hard lesson when he reacted badly to us expecting our third baby as was a surprise when our two had been planned. Sadly baby died when I was 17 weeks pregnant. I dont tgink he'll ever forgive himself for how he behaved....but he's got to live with that.

Men really are from another planet.....hope you find the man you married shines back through again soon.

Hugs from one mum to another.

Shellywelly1973 · 04/07/2013 17:32

Hi. Im so sorry for your loss.

I had a MMC at 12 weeks last February. It was a horrendous shock...even though Im pregnant again, i still can't talk about the MMC.

I contacted the miscarriage association. The lady i spoke to said its more about how much you have bonded with the baby, rather then the number of weeks pregnant you are. I would strongly recommend you give them a call...they are a great source of information & comfort.

As for your husband, my dp said much the same. After i had the ERPC it was if every thing was back to normal & no need to mention pregnancy/babies or miscarriage.

Talk to friends/ family/ mc association/ post on here. You will feel better in time. Allow yourself to grieve. Its a process you need to go through to get through it.

Take care of yourself...

lovelydaisies1 · 04/07/2013 18:59

This is really bad and I shouldn't have looked but I went on his computer to see if he'd been looking at anything remotely to do with our situation and found that today whilst working from home he's been watching porn. Lesbian porn. Oh my god. I don't know whether to confront him or not or just go off him even more. At a time like this. I thought he may have been looking at how to comfort your wife or something but no. Bloody lesbian porn. Omg.

OP posts:
Bakingtins · 04/07/2013 19:10

Hi Daisies I'm sorry you lost your baby. I think that's it in a nutshell, to most women it's a baby and you are it's mother as soon as you see the line on the test, for most men I think fatherhood begins in the delivery room. Probably a gross generalisation but with some truth to it. Combine that with the need to be the strong capable one, and the slight panic when a situation isn't fixable, and you have a recipe for totally misconstruing how to handle the situation.
A lot of women experience a miscarriage as a bereavement and need to work through a grieving process, what you are feeling is a totally normal reaction. There are some useful leaflets on the miscarriage association website, one aimed at men about how their partner may feel and how to be supportive, perhaps you should print one for him.
Don't make any big decisions at the moment, just get yourselves through the aftermath and then think about it.

Bakingtins · 04/07/2013 19:11

Sorry Xposted. Ouch Sad

Peppermintlover · 04/07/2013 19:53

Oh daisies, sorry to hear that, it must have been a shock to U. I would mention it to him otherwise you may build up a lot of resentment, up to you though. Also I do think these are two separate issues but he does need to acknowledge your feelings regarding the miscarriage and be there for you, that is what dh are for!! Regardless of their views! Keep posting if it helps x x x

Trinpy · 05/07/2013 13:42

Just seen your update from yesterday daisies and wanted to check you are ok?

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