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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Think I'll just lie there with my eyes shut

77 replies

Tomkat79 · 08/05/2013 08:18

Feel so sick this morning. In 2 hours I have to have another V scan to confirm what we already know...there is no heart beat. Only one doctor could confirm it on BH Monday so another has to look today. More poker faces and silence. Ukg. Wish they could just hit a button on the scanner and this all just stops x

OP posts:

NorthernLurker · 08/05/2013 08:20

You poor thing. Is somebody going with you?

Forgetfulmog · 08/05/2013 08:21

Hugs OP, how many weeks are you?

I MCd at 6 weeks so I know how devastating it is. Have you got any rl support?

Original poster

Tomkat79 · 08/05/2013 08:30

Was 8 weeks and just allowing myself to get a little excited as after light spotting saw the heart beat on Sunday. Then all change 24 hours later. DH will be with me throughout. I really would rather his final image of little bean was the Sunday one (was with friend on Monday) but he is adamant he will hold my hand bless him.

This is so crap isn't it. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster. If one more person tells me 'it's natures way' they'll get a smack....even though they're right!! Xx

OP posts:

Forgetfulmog · 08/05/2013 08:39

When it happened to me, I remember feeling so helpless - there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop myself mcarrying. It didn't help to think "it's one of those things" or "natures way" (as you say). Unfortunately, there really is nothing that can be done. It isn't your fault either.

Is this your 1st preg? Mine was my first & I remember thinking how unfair it was. What you don't realise is that it's actually very common for first preg to end in mc - no one talks about it though as its such a painful subject.

Take time to grieve & don't feel ashamed of doing so. It will take a long time (sorry, I don't want to alarm you).

I'm glad your DH will be with you.

NorthernLurker · 08/05/2013 08:40

How heartbreaking. There's nothing 'natural' about this. I hope today is as easy as possible.

NoahsmummyJul2012 · 08/05/2013 08:46

Thinking of you today its a devastating situation to be in. I am going through a smilar thing at the moment after finding at my 12 week scan on Friday that I had had a missed miscarriage and have my confirmation scan this Friday. I hope today goes as well as it can x

googietheegg · 08/05/2013 08:50

Tomkat just a little wave from a stranger who sadly knows what you're going through. Shitty isn't it? Hold on tight to your Dh and take what support you can get. Be kind on yourself.

(All those comments from family really pissed me off tbh)

Original poster

Tomkat79 · 08/05/2013 08:54

Thank you, there is some real support on here xxx it's my 2nd preg and the first 7 years ago was textbook. I was 25 and young! Didn't even think about possibility of MC and thankfully had a healthy DS.

Felt very 'wrong' this time around. Not just preg but wrong with it. Can't explain. Had the most intense headaches of my life, along with blurred vision. As many MC symptoms as you like though doesn't quite gear you up for hearing that dreaded news does it. And then it just cuts deeper and deeper doesn't it. Feel numb and dare smile for an hour and then bang back to square one.

Big love to all of you xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

Tomkat79 · 08/05/2013 08:56

Aww Noahsmummy this must be the longest week of your life. It's so cruel to leave you in 'limbo' for a week. Bless your heart. Stay as strong as you can xxx

It doesn't feel like you're strangers on here, it's weird. I take so much comfort from being able to talk to you guys xxx

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Forgetfulmog · 08/05/2013 08:57

It really is up & down tomkat as you say. I was ok-ish for the first day or so after I found out & then it suddenly hit me & I spent all day crying. It's a horrible horrible thing to go through.

To you too Noahsmummy

lotsofcheese · 08/05/2013 09:23

Holding your hand too. These scans are just heartbreaking. Have been there a couple of times

And yes, I got pissed off with the "not meant to be" comments too.

A good friend who also had miscarriages said to me: "it's shite, isn't it?" And that summed it up best for me.

Take care of yourself over the next wee while xxxx

Surreylass37 · 08/05/2013 09:54

It does seem a long time to wait to find out the inevitable (My username was Noahsmummy but I changed it as didn't think it appropriate for this board). I was hoping that they wouldn't show the screen on Friday as I don't think my heart can take seeing the empty sac again :-(

I am also fed up with some comments from people who mean well, if one more person says at least it wasn't your first or at least you have Noah I may scream.

I am taking comfort on his board too xx

Surreylass37 · 08/05/2013 10:33

I hope no one took my message above in the wrong way I am very grateful for having Noah x

Original poster

Tomkat79 · 08/05/2013 10:36

Yeah I'm currently in the waiting room (think Jeremy Kyle) and I'm not going to look at the screen. I can't bear it.

Thus hospital is stupid. It has the early pregnancy assessment unit right next to the ultrasound so this place is crawling with bumps. The guy in head to toe Adidas is currently patting his partners bump. If they don't call me in a minute think I might just explode.

Xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

Tomkat79 · 08/05/2013 10:39

People just don't know what to say do they. I mean wtf can you say.

It's awesome that you're Noah's mummy xx

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lotsofcheese · 08/05/2013 10:40

Thinking of you & hoping you're taken soon. I always looked at the ceiling during scans & found that helped.

dufflefluffle · 08/05/2013 10:43

This is a rotten situation to be in Tomkat and nothing can change that. I was given some information at the time of my mc which was the only acknowledgement from anyone (dh, family and friends) that for 9 weeks we had anticipated a new addition to our family but that info really helped. Otherwise it would've been like it never happened. Someone at the time told me that it would get easier after the baby's due date and it did - not miraculously on the actual date but sometime around that date the pain eased. I found it helpful to know that one day, while I will always mourn that baby, the pain would not be so sharp. I also remember the cruelty of waiting with heavily pregnant women and their several small children - amazing lack of sensitivity by hospital planners isn't it.

DewDr0p · 08/05/2013 10:46

I'm so sorry OP. Be kind to yourself and try and ignore the unhelpful comments (I think the Miscarriage Association has a helpful list of things not to say, perhaps ask dh to email a link to the worst offenders?)

You may have already been in but I also found staring at the ceiling the best way to get through it. Take care.

Forgetfulmog · 08/05/2013 10:47

Thinking of you tomkat. Come back & talk to us after the scan if you can x

NorthernLurker · 08/05/2013 10:49

Gradually things will change with hospital planning. If building from scratch now I very much doubt epads and ante-natal would be co-located and that's exactly because women have bravely said 'that hurts'.

In the hospital I work in EPADS is on the gynae ward. It's off the same main corridor as ante-natal but just about everything in the hospital is and at least it's not the same waiting room.

Thinking of you brave ladies.

LilyAmaryllis · 08/05/2013 10:52

I've been through this too, I'm thinking of you.

Original poster

Tomkat79 · 08/05/2013 14:43

We're home and even more bereft than before I think. Although given the choice I didn't look at the screen. Everyone was so nice.

Got home and my parents had popped over. Not the best timing and more of the same cliches. Then I lost it. DH, and my folks full pelt. Oops. Feel really bad now.

Am booked in on Friday for an ERPC. Little bean hasnt moved, I knew he was still there. Am hoping will wake up and be able to move on a little after Friday.

Right now I can't get any comfort from anywhere apart from posting on here. I don't want hugs from DH. Feel really guilty about that to.

Love love everyone xxx

OP posts:

Forgetfulmog · 08/05/2013 15:01

I think it can be difficult to want sympathy from someone who isn't actually going through it themselves (physically I mean).

Your DH will be grieving too though so try to grieve together if you can - it will make things easier - but I know what you mean about not wanting sympathy from DH as I kinda felt the same initially.

Don't worry about losing it, you're under a hell of a stress at the moment.

Try & take things as easy as you can over the next few days & talk to your DH (not straightaway if you don't feel like it) but its good if you can both share how you feel.

I really hope this hasn't come across as patronising, that wasn't my intention.

Hugs again

Original poster

Tomkat79 · 08/05/2013 15:13

Oh no mog not at all. Thank you for your kind words. It's not a battle as to who hurts the most I know that. I'm looking forward to this anger subsiding a little. Xx

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lotsofcheese · 08/05/2013 15:23

I'm so sorry. It's the most desolate feeling in the world.

This won't be any consolation, but I had 2 ERCP's & found the process easy physically. And it did help me move on emotionally too.

Take it very easy & don't expect too much of yourself over the next wee while xxx

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