feeling very sad today :( Please talk to me.

[ratbunny]

so h and I are separated. he had an emotional affair with sme woman 10 years younger, says she is still his friend so I said I cant be his friend anymore. we were together 15 years. he has run off and left me and 16 mo ds, so he can have his freedom etc etc etc

he is such an arse, I hate him so much for how much he has hurt me, and for whathe has done to ds's family. ds loved it when me and xh were together with him

but today I am feeling so sad. grieving for the life we could have had. I know there is no gong back, but every time I hear from him (to arrange contact with ds), I crumble. It would be so much easier if I never saw him again. I keep hoping he will see what an arse he has been, and regret what he has done (even though its very likely I wouldnt take him back). At his worst, he was selfish, unreliable, lazy and let me and others down etc etc. But I still hopee that together we could sort things out, that we would be a proper family.

I feel so sad that all of our past counted for nothing. That he wasnt willing to try. That he is being so selfish. That he has totally dumped me in it - after all he can get out every night, but I am stuck in while ds sleeps. That the future I was looking to has changed out of all recognition.

I keep looking back to the turning point - when he essentially chose work over our family by cancelling our holiday abroad when work asked him to come in. I keep thinking about what might have been, if we had just got away that week. We were trying for a baby, and moving house to accommodate a larger family. Then he decides he cant be arsed any more.



I feel so sad and confused.

[ambercat]

Ratbunny, i feel like that aswell, i'm fine til i hear from him or see him. I am lucky in a way as h is going away in july til xmas so will have time to recover, although i feel it will be like starting all over again in december.

I think you are right to not see him atm as it is all too raw and you need time to come to terms with what has happened. xxx

[ratbunny]

I have just sent him an email saying I cannot ever see him again, or have any contact with him. He will have to arrange seeing ds with my dad. Every time I have contact with him, I get hurt all over again.
I cannot believe, and so cannot accept, that he has done this.
I have asked him to continue to pay maintenance, as otherwise I cant keep a roof over ds's head.

[fawkeoff]

((((((((hugs for ratbunny)))))))

it will pass, you will move on and he will end up with nothing....the chase is over and she wont want him for long....he is just a prick and not worth your teats babe. did you speak to him about maintenance

[ratbunny]

well we did speak last night.
he still claims he didnt leave me for someone else, even though he is 'seeing' her now.
he says he is sorry - well not sorry enough to call an end to this relationshp before it starts and do the work where it is needed, I replied.
I told him - every time you look at her, you will remember what you have given up to be with her.
They wont last, I know it.what a waste.

I woke up this morning, thinking he was next to me in bed

[fawkeoff]

forgive i mean

[fawkeoff]

well you need to contact him regards the maintenance.....things arent going to be the same, you will have to cut back on a few things but it will be worth it once you get used to it.....I have been in my home on my own for nearly a month now, and i wont pretend that i dont miss a male companion in the house, but there is more to my life than that. You will be fine sweetie....i know how it feels i went through a similar situation 4 years ago.....and you can forgine in time but it will never you

[ratbunny]

yeah fuck him.

I need to do everything legally now dont I?
Show him I mean business.
But I am worried financially - if he refuses to pay me maintenance etc (I need an extra 600 a month to keep afloat), I will be fucked. I am\entitled to 350 I know, but the rest is spousal maintenance.

arsehole

[fawkeoff]

also agree dont look at his emails again, he isnt worth it sweetie x

[fawkeoff]

right sweetie.....you need to take a step back

If he wants to be a low life prick and pick some little tramp over his wife and child then fuck him.....

you need to mean business now, if he wont be seeing your son he at least needs to contribute to his upbringing....shame you dont have her boyfriends email address you could forwars them to him....
start living your life for you and your son.....he isnt worth the tears and sleepless nights, he is probably just pissed off because you aren't grovelling at his feet for him to come back home.
I think the main thing thathurts is the fact that he has turned into a stranger, you no longer know him because he isnt the person you fell in love with....remember that, hold your head high and let him fart about just dont leave the door open for him, he is taking you for granted and once he realises you aren't at his mercy he will shit himself

[mistressmiggins]

he wont reject his son
he will/has rejected you
dont look at his email
it will just upset you

[hugs]

[ratbunny]

I just broke into his email, and this other woman (that he is allegedly not seeing cos she is with her bf still) has sent him an application for jobs for them both to apply to.


if he goes off with her, and rejects his son because of her, I just dont know how I will react.

I will HATE him

[ambercat]

Well done ratbunny for being civil. What does he expect from you? Can't believe he won't see his son again! he sounds like he is trying to get a reaction from you, don't give him one! stay calm and wait for him to contact you.

How are you feeling now?

[mistressmiggins]

cant prepare you love
it's how life is for you now
you need to look after yourself and try to accept he has gone
it's hard and I still struggle every now & again and I am 2.5 yrs ahead of you.
my exH is still with OW so I have to deal with the fact my children spend the weekend with exH & HER.

she DOES have issues with me which I find amusing. Infact today I told exH to ditch OW and find a new partner as we would then get on fine....but it wont happen.

am annoyed with myself for still being bothered but I am only human.

concentrate on yourself & your DS and try not to think about him cos you cant change anything...and if he's done this once, he will do it again

[ratbunny]

bloody pc!!

[ratbunny]

taken4granted - thanks for that!

he came round. his old parking space was being used by someone, so he wheelspan around it, and I just thought - what a twat.
I was civil, but not friendly. I CAN'T be his friend while he is still entertaining thoughts of being with this woman.
When I came back, we had a very brief talk about his car stuff I found for him. Then I sat down for chips and he went withut saying goodbye. I thought - arsehole.
I rang him to check what ds was wearing in bed (not sure if he was wearing pajama trousers - he dressed him in a long sleeved top when he asked him to put him in a short sleeve. )Again, short, civil, but not all-friendly.
Then he rang me back and said he can't bear how I am and he wont be coming back. ds wont see him again.


I am now confused, angry and worried. ok I wasnt friendly, but neither was he. But I certainly wasnt nasty.
he is not emotionally stable at the mo.
Will he really cut ds out of his life?

[ratbunny]

taken4granted - thanks for that!

he came round. his old parking space was being used by someone, so he wheelspan around it, and I just thought - what a twat.
I was civil, but not friendly. I CAN'T be his friend while he is still entertaining thoughts of being with this woman.
When I came back, we had a very brief talk about his car stuff I found for him. Then I sat down for chips and he went withut saying goodbye. I thought - arsehole.
I rang him to check what ds was wearing in bed (not sure if he was wearing pajama trousers - he dressed him in a long sleeved top when he asked him to put him in a short sleeve. )Again, short, civil, but not all-friendly.
Then he rang me back and said he can't bear how I am and he wont be coming back. ds wont see him again.


I am now confused, angry and worried. ok I wasnt friendly, but neither was he. But I certainly wasnt nasty.
he is not emotionally stable at the mo.
Will he really cut ds out of his life?

[ratbunny]

taken4granted - thanks for that!

he came round. his old parking space was being used by someone, so he wheelspan around it, and I just thought - what a twat.
I was civil, but not friendly. I CAN'T be his friend while he is still entertaining thoughts of being with this woman.
When I came back, we had a very brief talk about his car stuff I found for him. Then I sat down for chips and he went withut saying goodbye. I thought - arsehole.
I rang him to check what ds was wearing in bed (not sure if he was wearing pajama trousers - he dressed him in a long sleeved top when he asked him to put him in a short sleeve. )Again, short, civil, but not all-friendly.
Then he rang me back and said he can't bear how I am and he wont be coming back. ds wont see him again.


I am now confused, angry and worried. ok I wasnt friendly, but neither was he. But I certainly wasnt nasty.
he is not emotionally stable at the mo.
Will he really cut ds out of his life?

[taken4granted]

Rat bunny hopefully things went ok - remember he walked out on you so he isnt really worth bothering about - if he can do it once he can do it again and it would be easier next time - its hard but try and make plans for you and ds that dont involve him in any shape or form.

I was like you initially tidying house when he came round to see dd but after finding out hes been having affair virtually since dd was born (shes 7 yr old now) has really made me think - Im waiting for the Im getting mrried and strating a new family bit which if Im honest will kill me but only for the fact that he doesnt give a shit how it affect dd ass far as Im concerned he couldnt do anything now to get us back on track hes a lyer and thats not a trait I want my dd to grow up thinking is fine so try to think of things like that instead of the life you could have had think of the life you are GOING to have without him - think of anything positive dont dwell on the negatives - I know there are lots of negatives but there will be some positives look at how many MNets on here have been through it and come through the other side. You can do it girl youre a better person without him Take care

[ratbunny]

well my plan is to look nice (for me - my new motto is always look good, cos you never know who you might meet), swan out swimming. ponce a fag off him ( I have run out, and dont want to buy a new packet!), and swan in casually about an hour later.
I am also taking the precaution of taking anything private with me...

Reminder to self : I am NOT his friend. He is an arse.

[ambercat]

So confusing, when i think about what he has done over the years,shagged around without protection and now this affair it makes me so angry, espcially as he is leaving me! it should be the other way round.

Wheni think logicly about it i know there is no way i want him back but emotionally i can't seem to switch off and the love is still there for the man i thought he was. Its doing my head in tbh.

Wishing you luck for later, come back here and let us know how it went.

[ratbunny]

Its rubbish isnt it
I am telling myself I wouldnt have him back, and that I just want him to want me back so I can tell him to bugger off, but I am not sure it's true.
Its a confusing time, isnt it?

[ambercat]

Oh god i am just the same! Trying to get my life back on track and make an effort, i tell myself i'm doing it for me but deep down i want him to want me back

Really don't know what to advise but want to let you know you're not alone. I guess its still early days for us both and only time will help.

Hope someone will be along who can help more xx

[ratbunny]

I will post again, in the vain hope that people dont mind this thread carrying on

please someone talk sense into me! I am setting myself up for a fall tonight.
xh is coming over to put ds to bed at 6, and I am going out to do a bit of sport.
I have the house tidy (to make a point, really), and I want him to see how strong I am. But all of this is really so he will want me back (though I still dont want him back like he is, he'd have to do a lot of work). I think I just want that power shift.
See, I'm still thinking of him. I am not over him. And I just feel that after he goes tonight, and is the same arsehole as he has been recently, I will get all down again.

Someone PLEASE help me prepare mentally for this!!!

[ratbunny]

I have read (bits) of your thread. I love the bit - I love him. I miss him (etc), but I will tell you lot instead. That is a great way of doing things!
All of those things you describe - like how could he walk away from his family, crying (after he saw his kids? cant remember, sorry). It is so familiar.
I skipped to the end of the thread and saw how much stronger you were. It was great! It is quite inspirational, tbh, to see how someone has come out the other side.

[mistressmiggins]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/7/121408?

have a look at this thread - it was posted just after I kicked exH out....

I have been through the mill but am out the other side.

I still have hassles with my ex over children mainly cos the OW is insecure about me and causes problems for us but there we are. Cross we have to bare and as another MNetter said to me last week, he's an ex for a reason.....remember you DESERVE better. Your DS will be ok so dont worry about that. Look after yourself so you can be best mummy to him.

CAT me if you want to chat x