Im at the end of my tether with exp, any advice welcome.

[LittlePinkAlien]

I've posted in a previous name here about the problems ive had with exp (before I somehow managed to delete myself).

Im aware how I always seem to be whinging so try and imagine this post in a non-whiny voice .

Exp has had little interest in ds over the last 9 years. His contact has been sporadic at best. Last year around this time I finally had enough and stopped contact due to him messing ds about so much.

After 3 months he finally called, said he missed ds. So we tried again. I went through months of ds being upset at school, not trusting his dad to turn up etc and we finally seemed to get to a point where he felt settled again although it has soured relations between the school and myself as they seem to blame me for what happened, interrogate ds on almost a daily basis "are things alright at home?", have interrogated me on several occasions about our home life which is ridiculous as my kids are my number one priority.

Anyway, ds started as I say, seeing his dad again and it went ok for a while. As soon as ds calmed down and started to trust him he started his antics again. It emerged that ds was not being fed proper meals all day, being kept up late at night (well morning, think 2am). He was tired and grumpy when he came back. I tried to discuss this, exp screamed at me that in his home he would care for ds as he saw fit and I had no say in the matter. Then he started collecting him late (cue ds staring miserably out of the window and clock watching) and bringing him back late so after burning the tea several times I started waiting to cook it (cue miserable 4 year old hungry here with me waiting for her brother to come back). I tried to talk about this...once again I was shouted down and told he would collect and drop off ds when he saw fit, he didn't have to call me and let me know.

He has also ruined many of ds's clothes and shoes and never replaced them or kept things there, to the extent that I opened the drawer one day and there was nothing left. After that I allowed him to take one change of "playing out" clothes. I was then accused of "dressing him like a scrubber". Exp pays me nothing at all in the way of maintenance and buys ds nothing. I pay for everything that child has and I cant afford to keep replacing clothes.

I recently found out (after questioning ds on why he was taking his quilt and a sleeping bag with him), that he has to sleep on the floor at dads and he's cold.

There is so much more but I know this post is already an epic.

It all came to a head this weekend when he was (yet again) 45 minutes late. I called his mobile asking if he had forgotten something again. He screamed at me that "he wasn't in the effing mood, was around the corner and if I dared say one word about it he would turn the car around and go back home". Which he did.

So muggins here was left to tell ds that he wouldn't be going to his dads house.

Then 5 minutes later (when I assume, exp got home without him) ds had a phone call from his dad's partner's son saying how upset he was that ds wasn't coming, he wanted to know why. Then he put his mum on the phone who told ds how disappointed they were, how upset her son was. (HER SON? what about how upset MY son was that his fuckwit father didn't turn up!!) At this point I lost my temper (I try so hard not to) and asked ds to pass me the phone.

It ended up in large row, (conducted in my kitchen with the door shut) where I was told I was unreasonable, childish and lazy (yes im lazy, I work full time and look after two kids while exp and his lady sit on their arses). The sleeping situation was also mentioned where exp told me that ds didn't have to sleep on the floor, he had the choice of jumping in bed with the stepbrother. I said I didn't think that was very fair to either of them and I would buy ds a camp bed to take. Not under his roof apparently. So I suggested exp buy bunk beds to which he told me "why the fk should I buy bunk beds, there's only one kid that lives here and its not (ds).

This is just it for me. I am tired of his attitude, he refuses to discuss anything in a reasonable manner and resorts to shouting at me. I want to stop access...I cant sit by and see ds being mistreated and hurt. He's going to be so upset though and we have to go through the whole cycle again. If I continue with this it will only get worse, I know, ive seen it happen several times.

What on earth am I going to do?

[peabunny]

Hi LPA, he really does sound like a complete fuckwit. It's very upsetting for your son but really it would be better for him not to see his dad for a while, until FW calms down a bit. He'll realise soon that he's unreliable and selfish, and that you've been there for him all the time. You haven't done anything wrong, remember that. He sounds a bit like my ex (now known as tw*t-head) who i also think is a bit wrong in the head. Accuses me of saying things i haven't said and twists things round to try to make me feel likes everything is my fault. Be strong! ((((hug))))

[LittlePinkAlien]

It gets worse, I think I made a very bad decision contacting exp. He has phoned ds tonight as promised.

I havent told ds that his father called him a "two faced little sod" last night (an 11 year old child who loves his parents "two faced"?). Apparently his dad has told him not to "run back to me telling tales and making him look like a bad father" as i'll then shout at him (exp). Emotional blackmail, yes we'll try that too shall we? Like his gf didn't make ds feel guilty enough last time his fuckwit dad didn't pick him up . He has told ds he will pick him up on Sunday as he's "busy" Saturday. He wont yet give him a time.

I told ds that he should always come to me if he's unhappy with anything (and that includes anything I may do), that I am his mum, his friend and he can trust me 100% with anything he wants to say. I also told ds that nothing his dad does is his fault, nothing ds tells me has made this happen, that I know and can see for myself the way his father behaves.

Nothing is exp's fault is it? It's my fault for daring to disagree and speak up about it, and ds's fault for being a snitch. He makes my blood boil. How can anyone treat a child this way and then be angry with the child? He really does believe ds is trying to "get at" him. Is this normal behaviour?

We just cant win. If ds tries to tell exp he's unhappy with something he does then i've "poisoned" him. If I say anything, its not true because ds hasn't mentioned it.

Nothing has changed at all. So I now stop contact and hurt poor ds who will resent me for god knows how long or let his father screw his head up. What a choice.

[peabunny]

I'm so sorry, it all sounds so familiar - my ex's speciality was and still is emotional abuse. It's so hard when you know they're using it on the kids too and you feel completely helpless. Boys of this age do love their dads no matter how twatty they might be. Perhaps you could try to cut down contact to the bare minimum for a while. It might help to get a referral for you and your DS to talk to a family counsellor - i don't know yet how helpful this might be but am waiting for an appointment for myself and my youngest DS (he's 9), could let you know if it's useful. It may just help DS to talk to someone else about his feelings. Try not to worry about him resenting you, he'll work things out as he gets older. My ex tried to make me believe that the DCs would hate me for breaking up our family - so far they seem very understanding, especially DS1(13) who speaks very maturely now about his father's behaviour.

[bebopallula]

things will get better, my sons dad is selfish and unable to handle the realities of fatherhood. our son is almost 16 and is seeing his dad forwhat he is. he will always love him whatever, but the time will come when your son will see things for what they are, keep calm, he needs one of you to be a stable loving foundation for him. focus on fun things you can do together that will help take his mind of this confusing situation. try not to worry about his rejection, be strong and loving. i recently asked for ex to go to mediation, he didn't reply. he communicates with our son over bebo now, he refuses to accept he is wrong and won't call to sort things out, instead, hes been saying loads of nasty rubbish to our son, but as my ds and i are close, he shows me what he's written. it's hard to contain my frustration but at least i know what's being said, so i'm a step ahead and ds trusts me. you will have to be careful not to mention everything he reports back after his stay with d but subtley raise things. my ex is so volatile(mood swings) and has real anger towards me that i find it easier to ignore him. hes 40 but still has tantrums! it's worth keeping a record of everything as previously mentioned, as he sounds very abusive (evidence) Your son will appreciate you being the sane one who is getting support through counselling, im sure this will help you both. your ex sounds like mine, unable to accept his own mistakes so it's easier to blame you, i'm sure he doesnt want to go to mediation, maybe because its too REAL. hang on in there... you know you are a good mum, get the school on your side and don't punish yourself!

[LittlePinkAlien]

Well about 8pm tonight he suddenly phoned (from some random number) asking if he could collect ds. I said no, I had just ordered some food. He then asked if he could collect ds tomorrow. I said no, we are going to the fair if the weather is nice.

Our normal day would have been Friday, yet he requested Sunday and so Sunday it should be. He then had a little rant and told me that from now on he would be picking up ds whatever day he wants as he "has things to do". I asked him what things. He told me it was none of my business. All the time this conversation is going on I can hear laughter in the background, sounds like he is at a friend's house.

So I say that we need to work out something regular and consistent for ds, he fobs me off saying he'll talk about it when he's ready. Still I can hear the laughter in the background strangely coinciding with every comment I make.

Then he tells me he may not be seeing ds every weekend from now on, and that he'll let us know whenever he can see him because he's busy. He did this when his ex wife was pg and now he's doing it again! I could explode.

He told me I needed to decide what I was doing (ie, letting him see ds). He honestly couldn't care either way.

I dont want ds to have anything more to do with him. He is an evil cold person. I can sit and watch ds being hurt, or I can stop it and have ds resent me.

What do I do?

[peabunny]

Sorry to hear the latest - it sounds like he might be trying to force you to make that decision to cut contact, then he'll be able to blame you, say it was your decision, your fault. Mediation really is worth a try, even if only to have it on record that you tried to get him to go. If you arrange a meeting with them for yourself, they could help you compose a letter to him setting out your concerns for your DS's well-being and his relationship with his father. Mediation has helped a little with my ex, they are impartial but they don't tread on eggshells around unreasonable twats! They make it clear that their main concern is to make things better in the long-term for the children involved. It's worth a try.