Dad using baby to control mum

[AccidentalNana]

So daughter's boyfriend out of the blue has said he wants daughter to arrange and pay for a dna test and refuses to see baby without one. (In fairness we are all rejoicing as he is an idiot) Baby is 8 weeks.
They don't live together. He's named another man that my daughter had a relationship with previously whilst they weren't together.
The child is the boyfriends. There is no doubt and he is just using him against her.
They have never lived together and he is not paying maintenance or providing for his son because he says he's skint. He is 10 years older and not a nice man. In trouble with police, drugs and alcohol issues. He has many mental issues and is estranged from his family. They have never had a decent relationship and in fairness my young daughter thought this baby would make him love her. (Always a big mistake) it hasn't made things better and she has finished with him. (That's probably what prompted this) Despite the fact they are not together as a couple we have actively encouraged him to see his son and have enabled him to do so even allowing him to stay at ours as we do not want to use the child and as a family we will always do what is right for the baby. (When he is with the baby he is very possessive and rarely puts him down and won't let my daughter hold him)
However by claiming he is not the father when he knows damn well he is he is using the child against her and I won't stand for it.
I'd like to tell him to go fly a kite and in all honesty it would be better for the child if he did one (now he has shown me he's such a user) but I assume as he is the named father we can't just tell him to P off.
Anyway although he has said he won't see his son without proof he is the dad, we believe this is a game probably said whilst fuelled with drugs. He is due here for the day next week and I think he will turn up. We don't want him at the house anymore and we are worried about what he may do to the baby if he is having doubts.
Daughter has sent him a message telling him she is willing for him to pay for a court accredited test and after we have the results he can arrange contact and pay maintenance but I think he will pretend nothings happening and turn up here anyway.
What should we do after all it is his son but I am very worried

[MiltonNorthern]

You don't have to facilitate contact or have anything to do with him. If he turns up ask him to leave and call the police if he won't leave.

[ZombieBoob]

So refuse the dna take him up on his offer to not see the child without one. Does he actually earn any money to claim child maintenance? If not just tell him to fuck off and wait for court

[AccidentalNana]

We only want what is best for the baby.
Up until now I thought facilitating contact with his dad was just that. Now I'm not sure but I assume he has rights but I'm worried now I've spent time with him that he will use or hurt him.

[ZombieBoob]

Parents don't have rights. The child does have a right to see parents but only if it's safe to do so.

[AccidentalNana]

He works but is SE. He has not provided anything despite requests. Unlikely he will pay for DNA.
I don't want him telling everyone we are stopping him seeing his son because we haven't

[AccidentalNana]

Thank you @ZombieBoob
Good to know

[Mummame222]

Despite the fact they are not together as a couple we have actively encouraged him to see his son and have enabled him to do so even allowing him to stay at our

i know he’s no longer in the house but you guys have been fighting way to hard for this dead beat to see his kid. If he doesn’t want to see his child no one should try to make him, kids deserve better then to be around someone who is being forced to ‘love’ them.

I’m kind of baffled as to why Mums would fight so hard for the other parent to see their children in situations like this. Your daughter can still claim maintenance, they may order a DNA test which he will be made to pay for (he’ll still have to pay maintenance if he refuses the DNA).

[clpsmum]

Why are you all accommodating him? A known drug user and making threats when on drugs is not somebody your grandson or daughter are safe to be around. Hold him to his word. Refuse contact and tell him to leave and call police if he doesn't

[ZombieBoob]

Let him tell people that. He tell people anything he wants dosent matter a thing as long as baby is safe. I have stopped my kids dad from seeing them as he is unsafe it's been a year now I'm still waiting for court papers.

[Scaffoldingisugly]

If he isn't on the bc just tell him he is correct and dc isn't his.. Honestly a dead beat df isn't what your dd needs to be dealing with . What does he add to that baby's life? Stress and worry for your dd... sod that.

[Britpop123]

Unfortunately even horrible people have the right to know either their kids are really theirs

that said, I think you’d be right to stop access until it’s proven, at his cost, then do everything by the book including supervised access if you believe he’s a risk

[Anameisaname]

So he's said he won't see DC without a DNA test and daughter has said fine, please pay for and arrange one.
Then I'd basically just refuse access until he's sorted that and then you also go through CMS and claim maintenance too.
Who cares what he tells people. Are you friends with his friends? He can say what he wants but I think it's sensible to get court involved either way as he sounds like he's going to be a challenge either way

[FlabMonsterIsDietingAgain]

Look at this as a wonderful opportunity.

1. have your DD send him a calm, collected and polite response saying something like "you are welcome to see your child and I will do what I can to facilitate a relationship between you as she grows up. If you want a DNA test then please arrange and pay for one and I will participate as needed." This provides evidence you have encouraged him having a parental relationship, keep a copy for your records.
   
2. when he inevitably refuses and doesn't have contact with his child, you will be free of him and will also have proof if he decides to resurface in a few years.
   
3. ensure that your DD understands the importance of keeping any contact with him evidenced, calm and unemotional. Think of any messages as like those from a difficult colleague not the father of her child, reply professionally and as if at any moment you may need to print them all out and present them at family court.

[MinervatheGreat]

The boyfriend clearly does not have the same “compass” as your kind and supportive family does.

Stop accommodating him because he clearly doesn’t think like you and is using that against you with his mind fkery.

He marches to a different drum and you aren’t going to win. Who cares what outsiders think? Who cares what he tells others? Let him get on with it.

On the day he’s expected to come over, go out for the day. Let him demand all he likes if he can pay for it. When it’s proven he’s baby’s father, adjust to that with CMS and court ordered access.

Meanwhile he’s given up any rights to see what he thinks might be “another man’s baby.” So be it until proven otherwise. Stop giving him headspace and enjoy your new grandson.

[AccidentalNana]

Thanks everyone. He's now trying to back peddle and asking for contact as if nothing has happened. He's had a short sharp shift from me.

[Poppalina37]

I think it's commendable that you are trying to facilitate a relationship between father and son but it's far from healthy. He sounds like an absolute be//end.