are there any families with an Overseas Father out there?

[Hellenhellen]

Hi mums, Good morning!

Topic includes narc dad, (almost) divorce, UK education, life in Turkiye, separated families, future planning...

I plan to move from Turkey to the UK with my two daughters, who are 8 and 12 years old.

I lived in London for 12 years before moving to Istanbul and getting married.

My 12-year-old speaks some English, but my 8-year-old can’t speak much. We are all dual citizens, British/Turkish, but the kids grew up in Istanbul, and I am the most fluent in the family.

I predict some hardship with social life and re-rooting. Having Daddy away will be another difficulty.

Kids attend independent schools in Istanbul but do not consider them UK independent schools. Here, those with money can enter them, and generally speaking, richer has less attention and ambition towards kids' education. So my kids are surrounded by somewhat rich friends, not necessarily in an academically good environment. My kids seem to be okay with moving to the UK, but they are not flying with excitement, and they have some concerns about language and friends. They have been to the UK a few times and know it there, and they preferred lazy Turkish summer holidays by the beach over the UK summer activity schools when I wanted to take them to learn English. [name redacted], 12 years old, says it will be difficult, but she knows it is better for her education. [name redacted] has mixed feelings; she wants to go but she loves her friends here, and what if she cannot speak English there? They had some close friends who moved to the UK, France, or other cities in TK, so it is becoming popular to move away from Istanbul, and kids are aware.

A close friend lives in Royal Tunbridge Wells, so I consider TW or London for living a diverse and social life.

I work from home on a contract. I will be away from DH, who will be staying in Turkey. He will try to visit us as much as he can. Our marriage has been a roller coaster for 14 years, and I thought we might be healthier in a distant relationship. Tbh, I filed for divorce in 2022; for 12 months, we didn't see each other, but then he made it up, saying he loved me and his family, and changed a bit since then. I only accepted to stop the divorce on the condition that I would move to the UK with the kids. Btw DH used to be self-centered and career-focused, and my therapist thought he was a narcissist. I can say I suffered a great deal in our marriage, but nowadays, since we reconnected, he is a great person, and I am unsure if it is the love bomb stage :(. He says he will support us financially and emotionally, and we will travel both ways at all opportunities.

It is a tough decision; I am divided in my views. I feel like it is difficult to move, settle in a new place or country, and go through hardship with the kids. I live in a nice comfortable house in Istanbul with a full-time housekeeper and work full-time myself. The weather and food are much better here, with more holiday options over school holidays. I fear that kids may not be happy and don't want to destroy their souls for the sake of giving them a good education and English language. If we stayed, I worry that kids might feel disturbed when they grow and blame us for not giving them the chance to be educated in the UK. At the moment, with a British passport in hand, they are far from being British, with no language or culture. ie. I watch British series or films in the original language; they watch Turkish ones or dubbed ones.

My other side thinks I have had enough here and want some freedom and peace to set up a new life in a new place. I want to be away from Istanbul and rest, as it has been 12 tiring years here. The expectation of an earthquake at any moment, traffic, crowds, expensive but not good-quality private education, social and economic decline...mostly, I also fear not being able to carry on the marriage if I stay close to DH within this environment and if he is back to his normal being after stopping the court order. Kids in the UK will have a better education than TK, which will probably lead to a better life. I am open to returning to TK once they complete their education, which would be ideal for us. I feel like DH then might have settled and had enough of making a career and being the lovely man he can be, and we can continue our marriage as two mature, old persons. Also, having two houses in two counties feels very charming; the plan is to visit him every school holiday in Istanbul, and DH will come every holiday, so he says. He says he can make more time after 2 years, as he works very hard on a timed project and he wants to make/save as much money as he can during this time. it makes sense as he is 50 years old; I am 45.

DH is a good dad nowadays, but I have also seen him uninterested in the kids, coming home after they slept, constantly postponing their needs to be with him, etc. There have been many summers when I would go away with the kids and my parents, and he would work and visit us for a few days when he wanted. He used to be very much the narc father, with inconsistent attention to the kids: i.e., a lovely dad playing and laughing one moment/day and shouting and destroying their mood the next. I always found him to behave his best when he was away and say lovely things over the phone to us.

I have been seeing therapists for the first 12 months; my therapist said he is a narc, and I have run as fast as I can, which I did. When he came back, she advised him not to get together, but the kids wanted him, as he had changed then, and they loved how he was, so I decided to give him a second chance. Meanwhile, he cut off all finances during the divorce, was inconsistent with seeing the kids, and did not take them much during school holidays.

I see another therapist nowadays who advises that he deserves a second chance and that I should stay here with him and not change the kids' lives in Istanbul. However, I fear that if we get into a conflict again, he will not send us to the UK and set a travel ban for kids to travel abroad, which he did during a divorce.

Are any of you in a similar position, having to bring up kids away from their dads? What are your initial thoughts about my position? What are the pros and cons that I cannot think of?

I also thought about deferring a bit more, but the more we delay, the more complicated it gets. If DC were younger, I could consider spending two years in the UK and then coming back, but that is not the case anymore since [name redacted] is of secondary school age. So we must consider a 10-year education, completing university there.

I look forward to your opinions, Moms. Thank you so much in advance.

[HRTea]

I commented on your other thread.

Kindly, I think this is more about you wanting some kind of bucolic new life in the UK rather than about your kids.

Separate from your husband. Find your girls the right school in Istanbul - I can't believe there aren't any that will offer them a good education there. Don't kid yourself that UK schooling is going to offer them some kind of perfect education. It will be immensely hard for them to integrate at that age and achieve their potential with the added challenge of a language barrier. It's not impossible but you aren't refugees and you have a choice.

I cannot imagine your girls turning round later in life and saying "I wish you'd relocated us to England" however I can imagine two girls struggling with teenage hormones away from everything they know and love including their father, feeling angry and resentful.

Instead of coming here with a view to moving back to Turkey later, let your kids finish their education and then come here if it still seems like a better life.