Do you let ex in your house?

[ADVICENEEDED987]

Ex and I have been separated for a few years and the children and I live in the former martial home (it should soon be sold if we can finally agree the split of our finances).

At the moment ex comes over to see the kids one evening a week here and whenever he drops them off/picks them up at weekends he waltzes straight in like he still lives here.

Once the house is sold and I have my own place I'm thinking of not letting him in like this. I would happily invite him in for a cup of tea from time to time or have him wait inside if the kids aren't ready to go when he arrives to collect them but I don't want him encroaching on my space/pushing boundaries like he is at the moment (he wanders around, goes up stairs, looks at post or paperwork on worksurfaces etc. when I ask him not to he says it's his house so he can do what he wants).

What do others do? Does ex come in to your house, would he see the kids at yours? How do you put boundaries in place to protect yourself whilst not upsetting the kids? It will be their home too and I don't want them to feel that their Dad is banned from the house but I also don't want him there!

[Ikeawarrior]

I joke my ex is like a vampire. He has to wait to be invited in.

Start leaving things like condom wrappers and sex toys out where ex will see them.

[catmomma67]

my ex had a key, as i did for his.. we had 2 children together, sometimes it was just easier to 'pop in' and pick up whatever was needed. When the kids were little we would spend christmas and birthdays together. it helps if you have a good relationship with your ex. My ex never just turned up, and if he came to the house and we were home he would knock before walking in, and i showed him the same respect.

[GaroTheMushroom]

Yes he has even slept over

[HelenHywater]

Nope. Never. Mine was abusive and it causes me huge anxiety for him to be in.

He gets as far as the doorstep.

[ADVICENEEDED987]

@catmomma67

my ex had a key, as i did for his.. we had 2 children together, sometimes it was just easier to 'pop in' and pick up whatever was needed. When the kids were little we would spend christmas and birthdays together. it helps if you have a good relationship with your ex. My ex never just turned up, and if he came to the house and we were home he would knock before walking in, and i showed him the same respect.

That's great that you have such a good relationship. My ex and I are reasonabley amicable for the children's sake and will spend part of Christmas day, birthdays etc together. I can't wait for him not to have a key to my home though, so many times he has turned up early and just let himself in when I am in shower, lounging around in my pj's, come in when I have been at work etc. and it feels like a real invasion of privacy.

[Terfosaurus]

Nope. But I think it helps that he never lived here so it's never been his house.

[ADVICENEEDED987]

@Terfosaurus

Nope. But I think it helps that he never lived here so it's never been his house.

I think this is the Problem, that until I live somewhere that is mine, where he has never lived he will never respect my boundaries.

I take want the kids not to feel like he is banned from the house though, I'd be happy to invite him in (most of the time), but I hate how nosy he is and how invasive it all feels at the moment

[Jonisaysitbest]

I am in the same situation as you. I had to speak to my exH aand ask him to ring the door bell/knock when he comes round and to not help himself to things in the cupboards/fridge. He also needs to text me when he's on his way e.g if dropping the kids back so I have a warning about his arrival. Prior to this, he definitely acted as though he still lived here. I had to remind him that it might be his house but it's no longer his home - to my mind there is a crucial difference there.
I don't mind him coming round occasionally and it is still his house too but he has the luxury of privacy from me where he lives and I think I am entitled to the same.
Since we spoke, he has respected this.
Speak to your ex and try to set boundaries you are comfortable with.

[NoisyDachshunddd]

I’d definitely not want the setup you have now OP, as your ex sounds like he has no boundaries.

In your new place and notwithstanding anything like abuse or tendency to pick random fights I think it’s best if both parents can step over the threshold when invited eg have cups of tea/ sit down. Free access with keys, absolute no unless it’s for emergencies.

I have the opposite situation where my ex makes me stand in the doorstep for 10 minutes in the cold at handover. I let him into mine to be the bigger person and just because it’s the right thing to do.

[CT96]

Yes mine just waltzes in like he still lives here and hangs around for half an hour which winds me up. As from this weekend im going to lock the door before he arrives lol. I don’t really know how to approach him about it. I may start picking my daughter up from his to avoid him sticking around.

[ADVICENEEDED987]

@Jonisaysitbest

I am in the same situation as you. I had to speak to my exH aand ask him to ring the door bell/knock when he comes round and to not help himself to things in the cupboards/fridge. He also needs to text me when he's on his way e.g if dropping the kids back so I have a warning about his arrival. Prior to this, he definitely acted as though he still lived here. I had to remind him that it might be his house but it's no longer his home - to my mind there is a crucial difference there.
I don't mind him coming round occasionally and it is still his house too but he has the luxury of privacy from me where he lives and I think I am entitled to the same.
Since we spoke, he has respected this.
Speak to your ex and try to set boundaries you are comfortable with.

I completely agree, there is a huge difference between it being their house legally but it not being their home. My ex still calls it his home, tells the kids I am living in his home, they are lucky to be living in his home when he isn't... I have tried to set boundaries so many times and brought it up at mediation. The mediator told him this is not normal to turn up when he wants, let himself in the house and he shouldn't behave this way but his answer is always that it is his home, he can if he wants. I'm glad your ex was more respectful of your boundaries when you brought it up with him.

[Jonisaysitbest]

He wasn't happy at first and made stupid passive aggressive comments about it in front of the kids but he has got used to it and ultimately respected my point of view - if grudgingly.
Your ex sounds pretty awful and I'm sorry he's so difficult to deal with. It's clearly a way of trying to control you and is probably deep down born of jealousy and regret.

I hope you manage to make some progress with the issue

[Noseybookworm]

@ADVICENEEDED987

I completely agree, there is a huge difference between it being their house legally but it not being their home. My ex still calls it his home, tells the kids I am living in his home, they are lucky to be living in his home when he isn't... I have tried to set boundaries so many times and brought it up at mediation. The mediator told him this is not normal to turn up when he wants, let himself in the house and he shouldn't behave this way but his answer is always that it is his home, he can if he wants. I'm glad your ex was more respectful of your boundaries when you brought it up with him.

Wow, your ex sounds like an arse 😳 not much you can do about it now but I would be making it very clear to him that things will change when you are in your new place!

[arethereanyleftatall]

Yes. I have no problem with it. I like him as a friend so he comes in to pick the girls up and we have a good old natter. He will also be my go to babysitter if I'm going out and the girls want to stay at mine rather than his.

[Whitewatergrafting]

Yes ex comes in regularly to pick up DC, has spent Christmas and DC birthdays together.
It took me a while to be comfortable with this but it's best for DC. If you are amicable then I see no problem in allowing this and setting your boundaries. You could ask him discreetly not to swan around and just stay in the living room and kitchen area.

[Nocturna]

Put an additional bolt lock/security chain on the inside of the door for 'security' purposes. It will at least stop him walking in when you are in the shower

[HappyHedgehog247]

This is awful and he's dragging your kids into it. How soon can you have your own place? Is he still paying towards the marital home?

[ADVICENEEDED987]

@HappyHedgehog247

This is awful and he's dragging your kids into it. How soon can you have your own place? Is he still paying towards the marital home?

We are still trying to agree the split of the money from the house and as soon as that is done we will get the house on the market. I'm hoping that will be within the next 6 weeks. He has not paid a penny towards the marital home since moving out, nearly 3 years ago now (I have paid the mortgage and all household bills, although he loves to tell everyone that I don't pay the mortgage myself. He says the household finances are all one big pot which his child maintenance contributes to!)

[ADVICENEEDED987]

@Whitewatergrafting

Yes ex comes in regularly to pick up DC, has spent Christmas and DC birthdays together.
It took me a while to be comfortable with this but it's best for DC. If you are amicable then I see no problem in allowing this and setting your boundaries. You could ask him discreetly not to swan around and just stay in the living room and kitchen area.

I think this is what I will do once I have moved. I will invite him to come in when he picks up/drops kids back etc but ask that he stays downstairs and doesn't start looking through our stuff/post etc. There is no chance of that at the moment as he still very much views it as his home

[Illpickthatup]

Do your have any male friends who would waltz around in a dressing gown the next time he's due to collect the kids. Maybe that would stop him just letting himself in whenever he likes. Or leave some men's things around the place.

It's a complete invasion of privacy regardless of who's name is on the deeds.

When I found out my exH was cheating I threw him out and he lived with his mum until we arranged for him to buy me out. He used to let himself in when I was at work and watch TV because when I came home and switched the TV on it was always on sports channels. He also did little things around the house like empty the hoover, wash some dishes and just move things around. He was very controlling during the relationship and I think this was his way of demonstrating he still had some control. I felt very uneasy in my own home and when I told him to stop letting himself in I got the same bullshit as you "well it's my house".