Ex looking after ill child in your house? Would you let him?

NeedSleepNow · 2024-01-29T19:27:18+00:00

My daughter was unwell today, nothing major, just a headache and tummy ache so I didn't send her to school . I rang my sister and asked if she could come over for a while to keep on eye on her whilst I went to work, daughter was very happy with this. I let her Dad know this evening that she had been unwell but he is furious I didn't ring him and ask him to look after daughter here at the house whilst I was at work. He also had to work, and would have already been at work, so would have had to have taken a day off, he doesn't live locally and I don't really want him spending the day here whilst I'm out. I don't trust him not to go through my stuff. Am I right not to have rung him or should I be informing him everytime one of the children is unwell, first thing in the morning and asking him to come here for the day to look after them? I wouldn't have been able to take daughter to his as it would have caused me problems with work taking time off work to get her there and she wouldn't have wanted to go whilst unwell. He hates anyone else looking after them, even for 20 minutes, and as legally he still owns the former marital home jointly with me he feels it is his space to come and go as he wants (he moved out nearly 3 years ago and I have been paying all bills and mortgage since then no fell I should be able to have privacy in my own home). The house will go on the market soon and once I have a new home, I think he will still expect to be asked to spend the day there looking after them if I am at work but I don't want him in my new space once I have moved. What do you do if your children are unwell? Do you only ever ask their Dad to look after them or do friends/family help out?

GaroTheMushroom · 30/01/2024 16:38

Well no because he wouldn’t. I guess at least he cares? My ex wouldn’t see our children if he/ they were unwell.

Starlightstarbright3 · 30/01/2024 21:52

My ex doesn’t see children so not in your situation . However no I wouldn’t . I simply would omit telling him anything other than serious illness .

Whilst your child is with you then yes you can whoever you want . X

TheSnowyOwl · 30/01/2024 22:00

What would your child prefer? If she has a good relationship with you both then he is probably one of the two people she would want with her most when unwell. I wouldn’t want him in my house though, so I can understand your logic there.

I don’t think you have any obligation whilst she is under your care but think about it the other way. Would you want to know if she was unwell and have the opportunity to be with her if she was staying at her dad’s house or would you be ok with one of his friends looking after her instead?

Original poster

NeedSleepNow · 30/01/2024 23:07

TheSnowyOwl · 30/01/2024 22:00

What would your child prefer? If she has a good relationship with you both then he is probably one of the two people she would want with her most when unwell. I wouldn’t want him in my house though, so I can understand your logic there.

I don’t think you have any obligation whilst she is under your care but think about it the other way. Would you want to know if she was unwell and have the opportunity to be with her if she was staying at her dad’s house or would you be ok with one of his friends looking after her instead?

She was very happy to be looked after by Auntie. She would have been happy with her Dad too.

I wouldn't be so keen on one of his friends looking after her if she had been unwell when at his as she doesn't really know any of his friends so I don't think she woukd have felt comfortable. but I would be perfectly happy, as would our children, with his parents, brothers or sisters looking after them when unwell.

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Redcliffe1 · 30/01/2024 23:11

I would ask my kids dad over everyone else but I can get why you didn't

GingerIsBest · 30/01/2024 23:14

I think that in the perfect world, letting him have the option to look after an ill DC is the best choice. BUT, I don't think you are under any obligation to allow him into your home. And reading between the lines, I assume he was controlling and abusive? So it's perfectly reasonable not to want him there.

As he has moved out and you are paying the bills, no, he has no right to wonder into the house. Just like any landlord can't just come and go as he pleases. I'd contact your solicitor and get some advice on that.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/01/2024 23:20

Next time you could ask him to come and pick her up and look after her at his place. Or drop her there-if your work place can be flexible. Presumably they would prefer you to be late rather than take unscheduled leave?
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for Ex to want to look after his own sick child, but it doesn’t have to be at your house. If he can’t collect her, then maybe that arrangement can’t work for you, but you could make him the first call .

Original poster

NeedSleepNow · 30/01/2024 23:21

@Redcliffe1 Because I don't feel comfortable having him in my home for the day when I am not there. He doesn't respect my boundaries (this has been a big problem since we separated). It would be different if he lived down the road and he looked after them when ill at his place but he isn't that local anymore

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Cantalever · 30/01/2024 23:22

Echoing previous poster about his coming into the house. He may own it, partly or wholly but that is not the point. It is your home, and you don't have to accept anyone coming in uninvited. Just as a landlord can't just come in whenever they feel like it. if this is an issue, get advice from solicitor.

Original poster

NeedSleepNow · 30/01/2024 23:24

GingerIsBest · 30/01/2024 23:14

I think that in the perfect world, letting him have the option to look after an ill DC is the best choice. BUT, I don't think you are under any obligation to allow him into your home. And reading between the lines, I assume he was controlling and abusive? So it's perfectly reasonable not to want him there.

As he has moved out and you are paying the bills, no, he has no right to wonder into the house. Just like any landlord can't just come and go as he pleases. I'd contact your solicitor and get some advice on that.

Yes, he can be very controlling and was emotionally abusive.

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Original poster

NeedSleepNow · 30/01/2024 23:28

DelphiniumBlue · 30/01/2024 23:20

Next time you could ask him to come and pick her up and look after her at his place. Or drop her there-if your work place can be flexible. Presumably they would prefer you to be late rather than take unscheduled leave?
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for Ex to want to look after his own sick child, but it doesn’t have to be at your house. If he can’t collect her, then maybe that arrangement can’t work for you, but you could make him the first call .

The problem is that he doesn't live very nearby, I don't think it's fair on dc to have to make them travel when unwell if it can be avoided. My work are not very understanding or flexible at all and if I had to drive the children to his or he had to drive here first it means missing quite a chunk of the morning at work.

I know if I asked him to pick her up he would end up saying he would just stay here instead knowing there is very little I can do about it

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Original poster

NeedSleepNow · 30/01/2024 23:30

Cantalever · 30/01/2024 23:22

Echoing previous poster about his coming into the house. He may own it, partly or wholly but that is not the point. It is your home, and you don't have to accept anyone coming in uninvited. Just as a landlord can't just come in whenever they feel like it. if this is an issue, get advice from solicitor.

Thanks @Cantalever , unfortunately he could legally move back in tomorrow if he wanted as we jointly own the property. The sooner we can get a financial settlement agreed and the house sold the better. I desperately need a house that is mine now, not his.

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ClematisRock · 30/01/2024 23:33

He wants to be involved with your poorly child. Is there any scope for burying hatches?

GingerIsBest · 30/01/2024 23:40

NeedSleepNow · 30/01/2024 23:30

Thanks @Cantalever , unfortunately he could legally move back in tomorrow if he wanted as we jointly own the property. The sooner we can get a financial settlement agreed and the house sold the better. I desperately need a house that is mine now, not his.

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I honestly don't' understand this. That' like saying that if I rent a house, th landlord can just move in and hang with me whenever he wants? He's not paying the bills, and it's not his home.

Has your solicitor said that he can come back whenever he likes?

Original poster

NeedSleepNow · 30/01/2024 23:48

GingerIsBest · 30/01/2024 23:40

I honestly don't' understand this. That' like saying that if I rent a house, th landlord can just move in and hang with me whenever he wants? He's not paying the bills, and it's not his home.

Has your solicitor said that he can come back whenever he likes?

Show quote history

Yes, unless I apply for some sort of legal/police order he can legally come to the house when he wants, could move back in etc. He's let himself in before when I'm at work without any advance warning, I've arrived home to find him sitting on the sofa eating food from the fridge, setting programs he likes to watch, to record on my tv, dumps his rubbish around for me clear up...

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GingerIsBest · 30/01/2024 23:59

I would apply for the legal/police order then. I honestly find it MINDBLOWING that this is not already illegal and that in that situation you couldn't call the police. Your home is your sanctuary. you have every right to private enjoyment of it.

I don't find it weird that HE thinks he has this right - typical male entitlement right there, particularly from an emotionally abusive vampire - but that the "system" isn't more prepared to help you!?

PS him eating your food is STEALING.