Differences in money

[user1469990255]

Hi all,

I wrote a similar post on a different topic a few weeks ago but just wondered if I could get more experience from here. I separated from my husband last year after finding out he had been having an affair, we have two DC, 10 & 7. Things are slowly moving but house is still up for sale. The worry I have is the complete different lifestyles our children will have with me and him. sTBXH is a high earner, I’m on an OK salary but pretty average. We got rid of the car I drove as it was owned by STBXH and now I’ve got a much cheaper, basic car, whilst he is driving around in a £70k car. Looking at houses and I’m looking at a small 3 bed terraced or similar and he is looking at big 4 bed detached. I’m just really worried that our children will want to spend more time with him as he has the fancier things. They might be embarrassed being dropped off in my car or bringing friends back to my house. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did the kids think? I know they love me, but I know kids can sometimes think bigger is better. He’s just started doing things with them and the OW so I’m feeling quite low at the minute about it all.

[SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything]

What’s the settlement looking like?
Custody/accesss split?
Maintenance?

Is it fair?

[EveryoneEnviesMeEverywhere]

At times people don't realise. what they have. I've heard many stories where the OH does not want to be looking after the children and in your case, it may not seem like it but you are lucky.

Just make sure you have your fair share and a smaller house may be good long run as looking after a bigger place costs more.

Children of your kids age will want to be with the one that is meeting their needs and letting them get on with it, IMO


You will feel "low" it's only natural but from what you posted, trust me you are doing the right thing. Time is a good healer, trust me. Good luck

[user1469990255]

We haven’t done the financial order yet, waiting for pension values to come in. I think we are going for me getting 55% equity and him 45%. I have them 4/5 nights a week, he has them 2/3 and pays maintence as to what the calculator says online. With that though, he doesn’t contribute to the kids at all over what he pays. We are nesting while the house sells and I buy all the food, clothes, trips etc. I understand that is mainly my responsibility but I wouldn’t be buying the kids food when we have our own houses, so that gets a bit frustrating.

[prettygreenteacup]

I am divorced, kids are 5 and 8. ExH is higher earner. Just bought a big expensive house. Drives a Q5. I have an 8 year old qashqai and own my 3 bed semi.
ExH is a "Disney Dad", he throws stuff and gifts and "treats" are so regular that they are no longer treats.
Yet...anything to do with their emotional wellbeing, talking with them , managing behaviour etc - he asks me.
They act up for him, he tells me he is "always having to tell them off" etc.

They might get money and stuff from their dad but they don't get the emotional connection as he has no idea how to nurture that. In his eyes, money solves it all and makes a good dad.

Yet he wonders why they misbehave so much with them, don't feel secure and don't talk or open up about their feelings.

They get that with me.

Money means nothing. Let them have their favourite parent phases, let them enjoy the stuff and money and big house, keep being the steady parent who gives them their security because money doesn't buy that.

It makes me cringe when I have to big him up and be enthusiastic for all the things they tell me about "we got this and got that and getting a puppy and getting..." etc. But I do in the knowledge that one day they will see through these things and make their own minds up about him. Your DC will do the same.

[user1469990255]

Should say kids food when they are at his. I will obviously feed my kids when they are with me!!

[MadeForThis]

The equity split should be more in your favour. Aim for 70:30. You also need a share of his pension, savings etc. if he has an expensive car then the value of that should be in the pot too.

Cms is the bare minimum support he should be providing.

[momentumneeded]

Op. Take care not to settle in a way that leaves you struggling. Also - would strongly advise an actuary report (joint instruction) if pensions are significant and/ or include final salary. You then need to be firm they illustrate on the basis of equality of income at age 67 - state retirement age. Any court will support this as it resulted from the latest recommendations - courts are now reluctant to offset pensions against equity and they are kept separate. CETVs alone will not be sufficiently accurate.

To illustrate, at final hearing the judge awarded 50-50 pension split as per actuary advice (resulting in PSOs in my favour as my ex had significantly higher pensions as a high earner). Then it was 65-35 to me + mesher (stay in family home until youngest finishes 6th form) as it was needs based and my earning capacity was far less due to child rearing and p/t work. All assets and savings were included in the final calculations. With UC top up and CB I'm actually far more comfortable than I expected to be. Yes, I'm driving an old car and we holiday in the UK but it's honestly fine. Kids saw through the whole Disney dad thing and now they are older they choose not to see him very much as they are second fiddle to his new gf and his ego. We are honestly the most happy, peaceful, supportive little unit and they have total confidence I have their back and will put them first always. A home is the people in it and the relationships they have, not the building. Kids are v perceptive about this.

Don't be bullied into something that doesn't put the children and you first. You only get one shot at this and it is life changing. Good luck.

[Wishitsnows]

The split doesn’t sound right percentage wise. Yours should be much higher. You need to get a good solicitor.

[Notthesameasitwas]

I downsized when I divorced and accepted it and looked forward to the fresh start. The dc adapted well. When exh made snooty comments (still does) and asked which house the dc preferred they stuck up for me and felt loyalty for me. He should never have put them in that position and they hated it.