I’m shocked that I’m shocked

[Heisaknob]

Ex strikes again. He’s been ordered to finally pay statutory maintenance and all hell has broken loose.

He’s drastically reducing overnight, doesn’t realise maintenance will go up as a result, I believe additional night over the lower level of each tier based on their (slightly inaccurate) calculations is considered
.

He’s just refusing to collect when I have work commitments - so damaging my career - this is not the first time, but what the hell do I say to the D.C. daddy doesn’t want to fetch you because it’s too much of an effort?

Holiday negotiation hell at least will be avoided as he’s not even having them for half the agreed schedule. I won’t be able to work and will lose my home if that’s the cases it’s a shitshow.

There was so much abuse involved but they like going as they were too small to witness it first hand but pick up in the fact we are not exactly friends.

I am just exhausted by his constant attempts to wear me down and after years of being separated and he being remarried he’s seems to be getting worse.

How to I navigate yet more disruption as I’m just so tired and worn down by it.

I am rambling so this probably sounds unhinged.

I want to leave the county so he can’t mess with my life.

[OhamIreally]

I think you will have to start to operate as if he doesn't exist. Book wrap around childcare so that you can work and aren't dependent on him.

A church near to me used to run a holiday playscheme which was reasonably priced - could you find something like that to cover holidays? I appreciate yours are little. All childcare providers were listed on the council website for my borough.

As to the kids' disappointment it's heartbreaking to see but it's not on you it's on him.

Work around every hold he has on you and find a way to lessen or break it so that it can't affect you.

[SD1978]

Agree with @OhamIreally- is there any way to structure the day as if he doesn't exist in the equation? I am a shift worker- he doesn't take her I don't work, it's that simple. So I'm aware that not everyone has daytime coverable hours. Can you talk to management and have hours which will work with childcare due to financial abuse- which this is. We fortunately do have a cordial relationship around this, but I am aware that ever ended and I would also loose my home without 3 months, so I understand that fear. Can you organise and pay for wrap around and holiday care- yes it's expensive but if loosing your job is more so, it's a solution. Can you start looking for other comparable roles (not knowing your career) which can be done with solos responsibility for childcare. How old are the kids? Whilst I don't believe in children being forced into the middle of adult issues, I also don't believe in them not being in an age appropriate way that it's their dad making choices, not you 'keeping them' from him. If all they ever hear is his narrative because you're keeping them out of it- they will inevitably grow up with a skewed view of you.

[Heisaknob]

The are old enough to have some understanding that he is a very difficult individual but only because they see me stressed but yes they have a skewed view that it’s me being stressed and frustrated. They don’t see him enough to have a proper understanding.

i have to change jobs it’s the only solution at this point.

I didn’t think of this as financial abuse too but yes that makes sense. Any way to be vindictive because he’s so full of anger and hatred towards me it’s frightening.

He doesn’t care about his DC he just wants to control everything.

I just am so tired and I can’t think straight enough to figure a way through this.

Why are these men so vindictive.

[Hollwithm]

I've been here OP. Can you start gathering evidence? I would email from now on so you have a paper trail. You may need to go to court to get a child arrangement order in place. Look into breakfast clubs and after school clubs. It's tough but you may even need to drop a day if possible.

[PurpleNarwhale]

Have you suggested you drop them off at his and he brings them back? You shouldn't have to but at least you'd know they were with him.

[Heisaknob]

@Hollwithm trying to get a Miami waiver as we speak as there is DV involved so I don’t have to mediate

@PurpleNarwhale that’s a great idea but he’s far well moved out of the area - and opting out of everything but yes just to prove a point I suppose

[Poppalina37]

Oh i have been here 😔

Sounds awful but I started life with my kids like that man had died.

I no longer relied on him or his financial contribution.

Life was a lot better and as my girls grew older..... they realised what he was like.

[PurpleBugz]

My ex did this to me. As soon as he realised I was working all hours I could while he had the kids he would cancel last minute. So I then started working all hours when I have the kids and spending quality time with them when he was cancelling. Then he of course had to mess up my weekend plans with the kids by taking his contact back. Now he mostly has them around 60% of his court ordered time. If he knows I have plans he always cancels last minute.

It was never about the kids it was about ruining my life.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

My Ex moved to an island making contact very difficult as he also did not drive. I was working a job that included overnight and weekend on call. I got au pairs to help me with anti-social hours and that I might disappear off in the middle of the night.
It was a very tricky few years until DR reached secondary school age and I could leave her with the dog in the house. DD now an adult sees through her Dad and sees me as a hard working resilient woman who gave up a huge amount to ensure that she was safe and happy.

[Stormbornform]

Not sure why you would want them to have contact with someone like that. Agree operate as if he's not helping at all and then sit back and let him have his tantrums safe in the knowledge he can't touch you.