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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Son moving to dads

20 replies

Samk79 · 29/08/2023 07:59

My son has just turned 16. I spilt form his dad when he was 18 months old when his dad had an affair.

I also have a 20 year old daughter with him but she has refused to see her dad for almost 10 years now.

My ex has been very unreasonable over the years. He is a narcissist and has constantly blames me for things and accuses me of bullying him.

He took me to court 5 years ago to get a court order even though I never stopped him seeing my son.

My ex has continually put pressure on my son to live there. He has thought about moving there several times but this time he has decided he is going to move there she go to college there

I know my son is old enough to make this choice but I feel absolutely devastated.
My ex is not a good role model, his wife left him a few months ago after years of him cheating on her and emotionally abusing her. He now has lodgers living with him, he works shifts and spends a lot of time doing things for himself.

I just feel gutted that after doing everything for my kids, he has chosen to move there. I worry his studies will suffer.

He is leaving in 2 days and am not sure how I'm going to cope on the day he leaves

OP posts:

Bellsbeachwaves · 29/08/2023 08:52

💐hi OP I think in this situation you might have to let him go but leave the door open for him as he might be back. Sometimes they have to see for themselves 😕💐

Crunchingleaf · 29/08/2023 09:11

That sounds tough OP. Your son possibly has a rose tinted view of his dad so leave the door open for him to return. Be supportive though so he doesn’t just stay with his father out of stubbornness.
At this point trust you have been a good enough parent that his dad being a poor role model won’t matter.

Annaishere · 29/08/2023 09:28

I’m sorry it must feel like such a betrayal. Hopefully he will miss home and come back

endofthelinefinally · 29/08/2023 09:34

I agree with pp. Let him go but reassure him that he has a home with you if he wants to come back any time. He has to learn from his own experience.
Encourage your DD to keep in touch with her brother too.

Mayhemmumma · 29/08/2023 09:54

Help him pack, drop him off and wish him well but also tell him you love him, your door is always open and you hope you'll still see lots of him.

Original poster

Samk79 · 29/08/2023 09:56

Thanks everyone for your replies.
I won't be dropping him off. His dad is coming to pick him up, he usually gets the train down but due to him having a lot of stuff this time, his dad has said he will get him. Am just dreading the day he actually leaves 😥

OP posts:

Mayhemmumma · 29/08/2023 10:04

It sounds utterly gut wrenching but rest assured it'll work out so long as you manage to not slag off his dad or criticise too much.

Annaishere · 29/08/2023 10:25

My ex refused to help look after our son when he was young but he always said when he’s 16 he’ll come and live with him. Then when he turned 16 he manipulated my son and he tried to go live with him. It only lasted a couple weeks but it was awful. Everything is done for him on my own and he just leaves to the absent parent. I’m really sorry this is happening

emmylousings · 29/08/2023 10:36

So sorry this is happening to you. I raised my DS alone with zero input from his bio dad so I can slightly relate. This is going to be very difficult for you obviously, but it is very likely that if you can bite your tongue, fight back the tears, in the long run your DS will understand all the work and.love you put into mothering him, and your relationship will endure and thrive. I guess you need to hold on to that. But sending hugs. X

caringcarer · 29/08/2023 12:09

Mayhemmumma · 29/08/2023 09:54

Help him pack, drop him off and wish him well but also tell him you love him, your door is always open and you hope you'll still see lots of him.

This. It must be a kick.in the teeth for you but let him know your home will always be his home too.

Hellenhellen · 07/03/2024 08:59

Time is your ally.... if nothing else, just wait...

You will be just fine in the end.. don't worry. he needs to experience himself, and I am afraid he will..

Obeast · 07/03/2024 09:03

@Hellenhellen this thread is from August last year

Hellenhellen · 07/03/2024 09:09

ups , thank you Obeast, didn't realise..

now I wonder how she is nowadays?

Hellenhellen · 07/03/2024 10:03

@@Samk79 hos is life now for you? hope all is better?

Original poster

Samk79 · 07/03/2024 10:24

@Hellenhellen thank you for asking. It's been over 6 months now since he moved. I do miss him like crazy still.
A couple of weeks after my son moved to his dad's, he had a motorbike accident and is still off work.

My son hasn't had the freedom he thought he would have as his dad is always there now!
My son has told me he now understands the saying the grass isn't always greener! He knows his dad isn't a good role model.
His dad has also started seeing his 25 year old lodger and moved her into his room, he is 48!
I don't think my son will move back here as he is settled at college and has a girlfriend now. I do chersish the times I have with him when he is home though!

OP posts:

Hellenhellen · 07/03/2024 10:32

@Samk79 , great to hear from you. You already sound much better. I am sure your son will become a decent man, unlike his father, and be thankful to you for all your sacrifices. Your ex sounds like a gold medal narc. If your DS can already understand how weird his dad is, it is because he has the initial reasoning skills and ethics from his mum. Kids at that age move away anyway. I hope your DS doesn't get disgusted by his dad, but he has you anyway, so it is ok if he does. my therapist says one healthy parent is good enough to raise a healthy child.

Original poster

Samk79 · 07/03/2024 10:35

@Hellenhellen thank you. It's sad as my ex doesn't have my sons best interests at heart, he wanted him there for financial reasons so he wouldn't have to pay maintenance and u would have to pay him! Yet he has bought no clothes or toiletries for my son in the time he has been there!
My ex is a classic narcissist and don't think he will ever change!
Unfortunately my daughter who is 21 has exactly the same personality as her dad and it's taken me w while to realise!
At least I have a good relationship with my son and he knows I'm always there for him. He even says he doesn't get on with his dad as he has nothing in common with him'

OP posts:

Hellenhellen · 07/03/2024 11:08

I have read millions of stories, watched videos, and read books. I am not surprised that one kid is a narc which seems expected. my therapist said once that being a mum to a narc is not bad at all coz they never get in trouble and care for themselves, and they are usually very fond of their mums. She had asked to watch out for the empath one.
meanwhile, it might be time for you to start considering a decent relationship or life for yourself.

Original poster

Samk79 · 07/03/2024 14:17

@Hellenhellen it's sad as my daughter had a lot of issues but doesn't want to help herself, thankfully my son is
More like me.
I am remarried and have a 3 year old little boy who does keep me very busy!

OP posts:

Hellenhellen · 07/03/2024 19:48

oh, how lovely! enjoy your bundle of joy. May god bless all your kids; hopefully, praying for your DD that she wants to heal at some point, but she is a little young.

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