Ex controlling 10 y/o’s Skype contact

[Thenittygritty]

Hi everyone after some advice on this prickly topic..
Ex and I have agreed for our son to remain with her due to covid19 - government says it’s ok for children to see both parents but we have agreed it is best he stays put. She is the resident parent so this means I have already gone a month without direct contact and may do so for many more months, it’s awful but at least he’s safe!
My issue is that his mother/my ex is very controlling. Our son is bright and like most kids is a whizz at tech, but she insists on him using Skype on her phone (even though he has a tablet and a computer in his bedroom). I think at 10, he should be given the freedom to contact me whenever he wants (e.g send me a message or initiate a Skype call)
She also forces him to Skype me from outside because she doesn’t want me to see inside her house. I have no interest but I understand. But I think he should be allowed to Skype me from his own bedroom? Or am I wrong? If he was younger I’d understand her measures but he’s starting secondary school this September and I think she’s being very controlling about it. Also - I wait for him to Skype me, i never expect Skype calls late at night and we usually speak for 30mins max... so I’m pretty sure I’m not being a nuisance!
Should he be allowed to use it on his own device and should he be allowed to use it in his room at age 10 or am I totally wrong??

[midnightstar66]

I'd definitely address it in court. They are not always keen on dc having their own phones, probably depends on the individual judge but she should certainly be facilitating regular video contact throughout this. She won't be doing her relationship with her son any favours in the long term though and while I agree you are doing the right thing by not talking negatively to your son about this i wouldn't be going to much effort to hide from him what's going on. If she takes things off him then that's for her to explain. At his age he's going to start questioning it. Try too hard to protect him and your just enabling her and he's not really benefiting.

[Thenittygritty]

The only answer I can come up with is to get it written into our order that he’s allowed to contact me on his own devices without his mothers interference

[Thenittygritty]

@midnightstar66 unfortunately this is the reality I live in. She won’t allow him to bring anything back from my house. E.g. he took his handheld game thing from here (Father Christmas brought it one year) and she refused to let him play it. She kept it in the glove box of her car for a full fortnight until the next contact session when it was returned. Guaranteed if I purchased him a phone it would be sent back! For our sons sake I won’t even try it because how awful to know that’s your mums attitude and that your new Christmas present is sat outside in the car and you aren’t allowed to play it just because it came from your dads house! He also asked to take some photos back with him once and she posted them back through the letterbox after inspecting his bag. She is honestly that awful. The poor boy had chosen the photos he wanted to take back with him, it’s not like I told him to take them back.

[midnightstar66]

She doesn't get to dictate what you buy your son. You don't need to ask to be ignored. That's insane. I certainly wasn't suggesting it was sneaked in. You can buy him a phone any time you like surely? Exp even bought my 6 year old one. It's ridiculous and she never uses it because 6 year olds don't need phones lol but it's up to him if he wants to waste the money.

[myopnionismine]

Controlling for sure
How dare she behave this way given the current situation
I would be pushing for the lack of home calls and Skype nonsense to be regular daily calls inside his bedroom.
He is going to need you and it is good you are willing to be answering his calls.
Just wait for the hormones to kick in and he tells her what

[Thenittygritty]

@YangShanPo I do. And thank you. I’m careful not to say anything negative about how he is allowed to contact me to or in front of him, I don’t want him to feel awkward about it. I’ll be relieved when lockdown is over. We haven’t seen each other for two months now, i love hearing from him but there’s no substitute for actually being able to give your child a proper cuddle and spend time together!

[YangShanPo]

I think for now encourage him to Skype you from outside. He doesn't need to talk for ages but keep that regular contact going, even if it's just for 10 minutes.

[Thenittygritty]

@midnightstar66 sorry I misread your post, he is only allowed to Skype using his mums phone (he has his own devices in his room which are WiFi only) which does use data as well as WiFi so I’m not sure that would work anyway. I’m not sure which network she’s on but the signal seems pretty poor on it/where she lives. Would be more than happy to pay for a phone and a sim plan for him and I could research which provider has the best signal where they are but all offers have been ignored previously.

[Thenittygritty]

@slipperywhensparticus We both live near to Inverness and it’s pretty chilly in the evenings (which is when he’s allowed to Skype - outside only).
@midnightstar66 I don’t really want to start going down the route of sneaking him a mobile / SIM card etc. She would explode if she found out and it wouldn’t do our son any good. I don’t want to encourage him to keep secrets from her either! She already thinks I shouldn’t be contacting him via the online game (even though he set it up on both ends so he could have a way of contacting me without involving her!) and she has told me off for allowing it. Sigh. I have offered many times to provide a phone or tablet specifically for him to contact me with if she isn’t happy with him using existing devices she’s bought him (so they can be switched off after contact if you see what I mean) but my offers are always ignored.

[midnightstar66]

Perhaps you could get him a SIM card with some data so it won't matter if the WiFi is dropping out? The giff gaff sims are good as you can have the app on your phone and top it up/ adjust goody bags where necessary. I also doubt mum would even notice who he's on the phone to in his room if he's doing all that

[slipperywhensparticus]

Completely off topic but where are you that its so cold it's been so warm lately my son had a nose bleed today 🤦‍♀️

[Thenittygritty]

@YangShanPo this is exactly my point. The entire online world is allowed to see inside his room thanks to his YouTube uploads (which I’m not happy with but she allows it) but he’s not allowed to skype his own Dad from his bedroom because then Dad sees his room she is bonkers.

[TheCanyon]

Yeah that is really shitty @Thenittygritty there's somethings I would rather no one see me doing and have spent many a time ninja crawling to avoid a naked facetime etc, but my ex who has seen warts and all, I have no secrets. Him and dd can crack on and we will facilitate that as much as possible no matter.

[YangShanPo]

I'd be a bit concerned about him making publically available YouTube videos at his age. He should set it to private family and friends only. He should be allowed to Skype you when he wants to though (within reason)and I would continue to push for this.

[Thenittygritty]

@TheCanyon sorry if I wasn’t clear in my post. It IS her wanting DS outside to Skype me. She will not allow him to Skype inside not even in his own room.

[Thenittygritty]

@slipperywhensparticus it bothers me when our son is struggling to get signal, and upset that he can’t see me properly because it goes black/cuts out/goes blocky and shivering because it’s cold out. As I’ve said the only issue is his mothers attitude and there’s really no need for it. If he was happy Skyping in the garden I wouldn’t have a problem with it!
@midnightstar66 you sound like a sensible normal parent!

[TheCanyon]

I disagree, skyping only from the garden is weird as fuck. My dds dad can contact her however and whenever he likes, my phone, dhs phone, dds ipad/phone, my younger dds ipad (not his) ... makes no difference to any of us. Are you sure it's her that wants ds outside and not him choosing to go out to avoid her?

It IS weird.

[Thenittygritty]

@Annaminna many, many separated parents are in the same situation as me currently and are making good use of Skype/FaceTime/zoom/whatsapp etc etc to facilitate contact without any issues whatsoever. The problem is not me wanting to ensure our son still has decent contact but an ex who has historically controlled contact and done her best to limit it..and still does..and all I’ve ever “pushed” for (as you see it) is a NORMAL set up as far as possible for our child. You make it sound like I’m expecting my ex to perform miracles. Reading your post I cannot help but assume you too are hostile to contact between your child(REN) and an ex or you wouldn’t think online chat in a kids game is acceptable form of contact to substitute real contact for nearly two months!!

[midnightstar66]

Dd is 10 a d age is freely able to video call or text her df at any time. She doesn't ever initiate as it's a bit out of sight out of mind for her but I agree and 10 he should have the means

[slipperywhensparticus]

I think anaminna is pointing out conflict for conflicts sake serves no one you talk to him anyway you Skype anyway all be it in the garden so why rock the boat ultimately your child will be the only one affected by this

[Thenittygritty]

@Annaminna
You think, that chatting over a child’s game is an ok substitute for face to face interaction ?
My point was, clearly our child wants to contact me as he does via the chat feature in the online game but needs to ask his mothers permission to Skype me and use her device to do so as she will not let him use Skype on his own device. As she is aware he contacts me via the online game, and posts publicly available YouTube videos from his room, why is she wanting to control and limit his Skype contact? Given that I’ve agreed for him to stay with her during the current pandemic.
Skype contact shouldn’t be a problem for anyone full stop. My ex being controlling over contact shouldn’t mean my sons only way to contact his dad is via a chat feature in an online game. Can’t believe you think that’s an ok substitute for contact

[Thenittygritty]

@Annaminna are you for real?

[Annaminna]

you wrote:
"Oh and DS finds his own ways to contact me anyway so not sure why she is determined to control his Skype contact so much..."

I would like to ask:
"Why are you so bothered about the Skype then if you have other ways to be in contact with your son?"
Are you sure, you don't push it only because your ex feels uncomfortable about that one? The only one, who you make feel uncomfortable with your insisted skype calls, is your own son. He is the one who is sitting outside when you get your skype call (not your ex).
Instead of making a big deal about this one specific contact channel (skype call) use those ways that isn't a problem to anyone.
Keep making those youtube videos for each other, chat over the game and be happy. Don't try to pick a fight if its no benefit to anyone anyway.

[Thenittygrittt]

@HugeAckmansWife she wouldn’t know, but DS is scared of her and I don’t really want to encourage him to keep secrets from her..if he does it on his own (like contacting me via his online game) that’s up to him but I wouldn’t want him being told off for something I’ve asked him to do.
I’m already in the process of applying for variation so that weekend contact ends with me dropping him off at school Monday morning like a normal dad (rather than him being picked up by his mum Sunday night) since she moved back to my area and as a result I’m now closer to his school than she is!
He doesn’t currently have a phone only a tablet and a computer, obviously I can’t buy him one without her consent or she would just refuse to let him use it and it would get sent back here (I have already offered to buy him one in the past and she ignored me)
Am now considering whether I can apply for enforcement together with variation or whether I should just apply for variation and add that he should be allowed to have Skype with me from his bedroom without Mum controlling it.
I’ve told her that either she allows Skype or we revert to our original Order (in line with government guidance and the statement released by the President of the Family Division - there’s no symptomatic family members, no current isolation occurring and no extremely vulnerable family in either household). I’ve told her either she allows him to Skype his dad or we will return to normal contact and if she refuses normal contact she will then be in breach without justification.
It sounds extreme but I’d much rather she just allowed him to Skype. I just can’t believe she thinks it’s ok for our son who has had regular normal contact for years to suddenly go months without face to face interaction. We’ve had two Skype calls in 5 weeks and both those he was forced outside to make them... just not fair on him.

[HugeAckmansWife]

If he is allowed all that tech and free Internet access in his room, if he played some music, would she know he'd called you? My two are a simar age and don't have their own devices. They can call / Skype their dad whenever via my phone and do the same for me when they are at his. There were some issues in the beginning, it was a nasty split (ow) and he didn't respect my wishes for her not to be present in calls etc but it sounds like in your case there's no good reason why he shouldn't call you as and when. Depends if you want to go back to court or just wait it out a few months until he's taking his phone to and from school and can just call you whenever.