Should I stop my children seeing their Dad?

[TDJames]

Hi all I am a single parent of 2 year old twins.
I am really struggling at the moment I want to do what is best for my children! I wish there were a book but it is not so black and white.

Please, what would you do in my situation.
Apologies if my post is not easy to read

Their dad has agreed to have the children on a Saturday but he is so inconsistent.

He quit his job to study a psychology degree and is now doing his masters he then wants to do a PHD - basically a forever student.
I don’t even think he can get a job in the above field as he has a criminal record for armed robbery! In hindsight a big red flag I obviously dismissed because I am big pathetic empath!

Basically according to child maintenance he does not need to pay child maintenance as he’s a student.
Despite this he gives me £20 a week.
He live with his mum (who is his biggest enabler)

He continually throws in our faces how he didn’t want the children (abortion) as a way to absolve himself of his responsibilities

He goes on holiday every month from Mexico to Barbados. Meanwhile he has never bought the children shoes or a coat, if I ask for help with shoes he tells me no as he only has them 1 day a week.

He is extremely selfish he wears it like a badge of honour and admits to it too

Believe me he is Narcissist he’s covertly controlling, extremely manipulative and twists everything! I often need my close friend and mum to validate what is happening because he makes me feel that crazy.

I work extremely hard sometimes to the point I feel I am going to collapse
I work, bring up the children and of a night, early morning I run a small home based business around the children.
Everyone will say what a great mum I am but never him he will always put me down. I’m drained from him on the other hand he will tell me he cares about me.

Anyhow November 2019 he text me saying bluntly he won’t have any signal and he won’t be there for the next two weeks.
It was the last straw... I just couldn’t take it and I cut contact, blocked him.

He reached out New year we discussed how he would change how he is sorry and he wants things to be different and I allowed him back in.

He went on holiday again in January 2020, February 2020 which is fine as he did it around the children.

Things turned ugly as I stepped out of line and asked him why can he go on holiday all the but I have to do everything for the children, he then text yesterday he won’t be here the next two weeks as he is going away.

I can’t live like this anymore I just was a peaceful life for the children but they love him. I don’t want to be seen as the evil one who didn’t let them have a relationship with their dad. I struggle with boundaries and I didn’t have parents growing up. I am struggling with what to do in this situation. Believe me I want them to have a relationship with their dad so much but not so much it effects my children.

Sorry for the long post thank you if you even got this far! what would you do?
TIA

[Giespeace]

If it was me in your position I’d be moving heaven an earth to cut this man out of my children’s lives. He’s had his chance and made his choice. Your children are not toys and this is not a practice run. This is their lives he’s messing with and the damage he could cause them over the course of their childhoods is immense.
Many will disagree, including the law, but your children deserve to be protected. Nothing is more important than that.

[november90]

Oh OP I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through! You're clearly an amazing mummy to be coping with all of their rubbish, do not forget that!!!

Do not let this man emotionally, finically and psychologically abuse you anymore. Abuse is a big word I know, but trust me he is an abuser. You and your girls do not need your quality of life to be determined by thus man who clearly only thinks of himself. Yes they are only 2, but those early years are important. He needs to prove to you and your girls he can be a consistent role model and figure in my eyes. I would personally get InTouch with woman's aid and get some support. They are fantastic and they will help guide you through this! Please don't feel like your alone. My story isn't the same as you, but I'm dealing with an emotionally abusive ex and I felt completely alone until I realised I wasn't and neither me or my children deserved this!

[TDJames]

I think a part of my situation which people can't see is the mental torture he is trying to put me through the push and pull/manipulation.
It's hard to explain on here but believe me it's happening.
Anytime I step out of like he tells me he didn't want them and he owes me nothing. I have all the screenshots. I don't want to stop my children seeing their dad but it's too much. I am a little scared to stop contact as he will act as though he is the best dad and I am evil to do such a thing.
I've really tried to do the best I can.

[TDJames]

Hi all it's me again (Original Poster)

I need advice again. The children's dad has done it again.
He has text to say he won't be seeing the children for 4 weeks. No explanation no apology.

I really need advice. So much has gone on since I posted this. Including a breakdown he had while the children were in his care. Following consumption of Mushrooms he has whilst on another trip in Amsterdam.

His mum brought the children back as he had been taken to hospital and she continues to enable his behaviour.

Apologies if this sounds like a episode of Jeremy Kyle I honestly am a hardworking mum I am stupid and feel like a failure to have had kids in a broken situation. The guilt eats away at me and not knowing what to do in the best interest of the children kills me hence looking for advice.

For the first time I feel so much anger towards him for ghosting my children. Like they mean nothing.
I know he is just trying to punish me for 'stepping out of line'

He is back on 20th September to collect the children but I don't know how to respond I can't let him think this is acceptable it's not fair on the children or myself

Thanks

[Poppinjay]

It's interesting that he's angry about your mum doing the handovers. He is missing the opportunity to control and abuse you. It sounds like a great strategy and one you need to continue to use, assuming your mum is happy to carry on.

When you start feeling yourself getting pulled back in, come back and read the advice on this thread. It will help you to maintain the grey rock approach.

[carly2803]

OP you are doing a brilliant job. DO not worry about this idiot. dont block contact, just stop contacting him
let him come running. Take back control. He really is a piece of shit - but avoid court if you can!

[carly2803]

OP you are doing a brilliant job. DO not worry about this idiot. dont block contact, just stop contacting him
let him come running. Take back control. He really is a piece of shit - but avoid court if you can!

[HillAreas]

He’s not their dad. He’s their sperm donor. However you choose to proceed, you need to mange their expectations of him to protect them from disappointment.
My DH has a DD with his ex. I just showed him the message from the sperm donor about how he would never raise these children. Safe to say he had a face like thunder more than a few choice words. My DH cares more about your children than the sperm donor does. How about that.
His mother should be shrivelling into a ball of shame at having raised such an inadequate human being.
You sound like an amazing mother OP. Your babies will be fine.

[TDJames]

Il see what he says when he get back from his holiday in 2 weeks no doubt he will be ready for war... but I am going to respond with no emotion, no reaction - just allow him to pick up the children from my mum xx

[TDJames]

I can't thank you enough for your advice
you have all really helped lift weight off my shoulders.

I am new to this, solo twin motherhood is one thing. But dealing with a narcissist is a whole different ball game. And honestly it consumes and drains you

I didn't even know about narcissism until this. That is were I learned about responding rather than reacting and grey rock etc

He knows I've wanted nothing more than him to step up and that has give him the ammunition to hit me where it hurts.

Even this holiday i feel it was in retaliation for me stepping out of line and my mum doing handover (handing over the children) etc as we had agreed two week holidays were too long.
I'm not talking one or two a year I mean every other month with a one week holiday in between.

I'm lucky to have my friend help me process his emotional abusive games it's like a psychological war.

I am happy I can see him for who he is and I have a plan to free my mind and do what is best for the children at the same time

Thank you so much again xxxxx

[Nat6999]

Don't respond to his messages, sort your phone & email so they go to a folder that you don't constantly see them. Every time you respond to his messages you are giving him what he wants. Just keep them for evidence to show your children when they are older & ask about their sperm doner, I use those words because he isn't fit to be called a father.

[JuanSheetIsPlenty]

If you get messages, talk about how to respond before sending anything, even if you're angry or upset.


Yes to this! Very important. Never respond to a text/email immediately. Put the phone down, go and do something else, let it mull over in your head, if need be ask advice on here or IRL. And then when you know what you want to respond you do it calmly and unemotionally.

[Embracelife]

You cannot teach someone adult how to behave
They will only change if they want to

[Embracelife]

Child arrangement order would be clear
Removes his power to threaten court.
Makes him step up even.
Or shows him.up.

Sure he prob wont turn up but you plan for that. With back up plans to stay home play in the garden go to local park

And when he hasn't turned up for 6 months you go back and adjust with the proof.

[Poppinjay]

I've decided I'm going to allow contact and disconnect, disarm him of his power.

It's good to see this.

Remember that he won't like this. He gets a kick out of feeling he can control you and he will want that back.

He may escalate things so be ready for him to either become threatening and more abusive or to decide she wants to draw you back into a relationship with him. He's likely to do something to try to get reactions from you and get you to stroke his ego by needing his approval. You know him best so can probably predict what strategy he's most likely to use.

Do you have some real life support? Someone you could explain all this to and who would help you process his behaviour? Keep posting on this thread too. If you get messages, talk about how to respond before sending anything, even if you're angry or upset.

Good luck

[JuanSheetIsPlenty]

My initial intention was to 'teach' him how to be a responsible father or at least a decent human being but I haven't got the energy.

Sadly you would never succeed as it’s not something he wants to learn how to do. There is no benefit to him in learning that, his current behaviour is far more beneficial to him. So he’ll stick with that. And tell you whatever you want to hear to keep you quiet.

[TDJames]

Thank you so much everyone for your advice it means so much to have your insight and your knowledge. Thank you for taking the tine out to help me xxx

[TDJames]

I've decided I'm going to allow contact and disconnect, disarm him of his power. (As advised above)

That's the only way I will be able to 'co-parent' with this narcissist.

It's not in my character to stop contact forever cause I can't live with myself. I hear my kids calling every man they see daddy and my heart sinks.


My initial intention was to 'teach' him how to be a responsible father or at least a decent human being but I haven't got the energy.

He is a master manipulator he just wants to control me and make me miserable.

This is just a very small part of what I've endured at first I didn't even know it was abuse I just felt myself becoming low.

God knows I just want the best for my beautiful babies xxxx

[TDJames]

@FatherB He is allowed to go on holiday that is not the issue, when he is constantly putting his children on a back burner to live his best life that is not healthy for the children. All children deserve consistency. It's not that I am saying he is not allowed to go on holiday. I understand life is not fair I'm not a child thanks x

[JuanSheetIsPlenty]

Going to court would be the best thing
Because you would get the contact arrangement set in stone

Yeah, set in stone for the OP! Not her ex. It will mean she has no choice but to be available whenever the court decides. And that mightn’t just be a few hours every Saturday. They may decide he should have every other weekend and midweek contact. Which means OP has to have her children ready and waiting to go at those times. With absolutely NO obligation on her ex to turn up. That is not best for the OP or her DC.

[FatherB]

You can't just stop contact with kids because he's an arse.

It worries me how candid you were with saying you'll just cut contact for six months this time as two months wasn't enough.

You don't need to encourage contact, and if he's an arse you don't need to make things easy for him but specifically blocking contact because you don't like how he's acting even though he's good with the kids and they enjoy seeing him makes you an arse. Don't make yourself the bad guy.

He's allowed to go on holiday whenever he wants. If you go on holiday he can't say shit either. It's not "fair" but nothing ever is.

Take this the right way for your children's sake and don't turn this in to a parental war where the kids will inevitably be drawn in to the middle.

[Littlebookwormiam]

You really need to cut contact with this man OP, he is emotionally and manipulative abusive. If he wants to contact you and see his children he'll have to so do through a solicitor. I think that's more than fair.

[Embracelife]

And he is allowed to go on holiday his choice so that not relevant .

[Embracelife]

Going to court would be the best thing
Because you would get the contact arrangement set in stone
So let him go to court.

So dont refuse contact ...
but do say things like " saturday 2 to 6 pm works for the children please pick them up from the house. "
If he doesnt offer suitable alternative that week then offer a different week.

Dont get into discussion

[JuanSheetIsPlenty]

He threatened me with court but I allowed him to see the children before it got to that.

Well then that’s what he’ll do again because it worked to pull you back into line before.

So you need to take a different approach this time.

I would go with the advice to just completely disengage. Don’t send any email or text saying he needs to step up etc. The current arrangement is that he comes on a Saturday so from now on you assume he is coming, but also plan for him not to come. If he doesn’t come you don’t text him, call him, email him, nothing. You just get on with your day, if you have to work or have social plans have a back up babysitter arranged. You don’t ever acknowledge to him that he didn’t come. Likelihood is that if he isn’t interested in parenting then he’ll get bored eventually and visits will fade out. The only thing that will keep his interest is engagement from you. If you refuse access this gives him something to fight back against. Don’t give it to him. It’s also possible he enjoys you pleading with him to see the children. Don’t give him that either. Just get on with your life and expect to be doing all the parenting. It’s shit but that’s what it is. I’m doing it. So I know what I’m talking about.