not such a yo ho pirate, my ex dh has just tld me he is getting married again, i am really cut up

[pirategirl]

He visited me today to say. This is the first time he has ever come out of his way to talk to me. I knew it was prob on the cards, but it hurts so much, somehow.

TBH in many ways she in welcome to him, he is a selfish man, and is certainly not the person I married. Yet having an inkling, and actaully finding out are two sep things iyswim.

It just seems so bloody sad, when I put so much into our marriage, and into having our child.

He said today that he just desont feel likehe should have ever had our child, that he is not 'child friendly' enuff?? He said of course he doesnt regret it, but that he doesnt connect to her as much as he wishes he could.

I reminded him that he used to connect fine to her, that he carreid her round everywhere with him in the 2 yrs b4 he up and left us.

I said it just seems like youhave forgotten. He lives with his girlfriend and her 2 children, has said he isnt going to have any more children.

I looked at him, after he said he was gettingmarried, and said 'r you mad'?, he said, yeah maybe, I dunno, not sure.

He said he wants this, that he asked her, and my guessis that she has obviously discussed it with him a bit recently.

I just feel so bloody sad, and a bit jealous, whereas I havent been up till now, cos i just never thought he would do it again.

[pirategirl]

ex dh , dropped dd off on sunday, and spent about 20 mins hanging about, trying to be chatty to me. Didnt mention the text.

Late i asked if his new g freind had been in the car with them, and dd said no.

Funny that normally he stays about 1 minute.

For dd's sake I was pleasant to him, he was even telling me about theis band and, that and songs he thought i'd be into.

he is a psycho.

[TenaLady]

I do think it is worse for the person left behind when the new relationship becomes firm so quickly after the break.

I cant imagine what my dh ex must of gone through. We got together quite soon after they split and were married in just over a year.

The reason for this is that we were both in our late 30's and I had not had much success in my previous marriage with concieving. We both wanted a child together and knew we wouldnt have much time and as it turned out we did have to have IVF.

However I cant see the rush in your x dh case.

[TenaLady]

sorry, havent read the thread just your post. Are you sure he isnt saying this to get a reaction from you. If he isnt child friendly it seems madness to take on two kids that dont belong to him.

The job of step parenting is far more demanding.

[orangehead]

life good now. Was alone 4 2 yrs but then meet someone, we been 2geva 4 2 yrs and getting married next yr gone back 2 studying which really helped with my self confidence. The guy im with loves my boys and spends so much time with alot more than they dad ever did and they think the world of him 2, nice 2 know there still some nice guys out there

[pirategirl]

thankyou orange, i'm sorry aboutt what happened to you, that really must have been awful.

how is life now.?

take care

[orangehead]

I had similar thing, just 6 mnths ater he walked out on me, our 1 1/2 yr old and 3 week old sons, he told me he was getting married and she was 4 mnths preg, our divorce had only come through by 2 weeks. I felt completely cut up. But it got better and although I dont mean 2 be awful his marriage 2 her lasted less than a year and now he has 3 kids he doesnt see (she has an injunction against him) and without going in2 2 much detail his life is a complete mess. This all helped me realize that it was him that was the prob. Anyway know it can really hurt, hope u ok

[OrmIrian]

Ow. Pirategirl. Not been in that position but I can imagine how it must hurt. So sorry

[suezee]

i think its shit that he still has to play stupid mind fcuk games......if hes so happy y is he being a nob about it???????

[pirategirl]

i did ignore it, then today insterad of letting me know when he was coming to pick up dd, he just left it so late, that I had to text him.

silly games now. I needed to know anyhow, because dd had an after school disco and I didnt know if she would be able to go to it.

He let me know at 3.30 that he would be here at 5. So no she couldnt go to the disco, but i had to just say, 'oh it wont be that much fun sweetheart '

gawd sake. it could just be sooooooooo much easier iyswim.

knobber

[Tinkerbel5]

yes ignore it, its not down you to wipe his snotty nose, what a git

[pirategirl]

tinerbell hi,

this is the response i got via text, after saying it wasnot up to me to collect something for him, and for him not to ask me any other favours again

' What IS your problem? it was for the girls' dressing up box (not so he told me it was for 'her' daughter) why do you have to be so petty.'

my problem is his attitude, and he shouldnoth ave even asked, having not doen me one favour, in the last 2yr, or bothered to try harder for his daughter.

i was so angry, but have not replied.

[Tinkerbel5]

pirategirl looks like you are already starting to wise up and good for you, cant believe the cheek of him

[pirategirl]

i have no idea. What makes me realy annoyed, is myself.

I consider myself to be itelligent, and clued up with him by now, yet he is still able to make ME question myself, my confidence, in standing up for myself.

I was talking to my best friend, about the conversation we had had (ex and I) and how some of the things they say are so absolutely ridiculous and tbh, how we (wome) have to let it goover our head cos its so thick.

have had another stupid phone cal fromhim today, asking me to do him a favour, and pick something up for his girlfreinds daughter in town, I was so stunned i said i would.

How thick am i, i have now texted him and said its not my responsibility and that he shouldnot ask me or any other favours.

Now i am actually scared of the respone, i am gonna get form him. I feel like he thinks i am a mug.

i am a bright person, how can I have not said no inthe 1st place. god sake.

[Tinkerbel5]

pirategirl you are worth so much more than him, what kind of nobjockey finally realises that he dont connect with his own flesh and blood after being a 'father' for over 2 years

[pirategirl]

thakyou, what lovely ladies you all are. Yes I agree that i am surpressing the emotions here, sort of wiating for a chance to let it out.

The last time I felt liek this was about 6months ago inthe middle of a drivinglesson, and I burst into tears, and freaked the instructor out.

I am in fact going into plymouth today, with my friend and my sister, so that will take me out of the way.

Havnt any money to spend but I do like going to Costa for a coffee and a choccy pastry.

i actually said to him about 5 mins after he told me, 'are you mad?' he looked uo and said, yeah maybe I dunno!!

[snowleopard]

Poor you pirategirl, this must feel horrible. I think it's totally understandable to feel very upset - and you need to see it as your right to have a bad day, feel sorry for yourself and have a mope. IME panic attacks are more likely if you feel you're suppressing something or "shouldn't" feel upset... can you make a plan to get out a film that you know will make you have a good cry, or something like that? get it out of your system and then you'll feel more ready to pick yourself up.

FWIW remember getting married does not mean all is hunky dory and he knows what he wants - or that new woman is better than you - or that he has really forgotten about your child. He sounds as if he's a bit confused - though I would say that it's a good sign that he can talk to you and discuss his feelings. If you try to keep that open it will pave the way for him being closer to DD again.

Also can you book some kind of treat for yourself to look forward to - a trip away, facial or something?

[pirategirl]

thankyou girls means alot.

I am feeling quite crap today, and at the moment am fending off a panic attack, its the enormity of it for me, another 'realsisation' that he has moved off so far from me, and our daughter emotionally and responsibility wise.

I live in the town where we got marreid, we were living in london at the time we came to devon to get married. I have reminders around me all the time, and i think its all been thrownup for me again.

i feel realy weird, i hate panic attacks.

[Xanthipi]

Lots of sympathy pirategirl. xxx

Of course this is hard. I haven't even been in this situation (yet) but just hearing about it is almost physically painful.

I don't think you can assume this relationship will work out. In my experience, men who leave their first wife often do it again with their second.

What is unfortunate is that he feels so little connection with you daughter. I hope he has minimal visitation rights.

See if you can just focus on yourself and your little girl. What he does with his own life isn't relevant to you anymore.

Lots sympathy to you, too, snowwonder (nice nickname!).

x

[turquoisenights]

you are right chikenmother, i agree.

[chikenmother]

missing many other things than chip responsability in men´s brain...chip of loyalty, chip of generosity, chip of altruism, chip of genuine tenderness... Sometimes I don´t realise how this is, we becoming blid about it when we´re younger...

[chikenmother]

I think men do not feel the same things we do. I honestly thik that. Whem I got divorced i turned sick, very depressed, and I didnt recover yet. Men don´t feel the same we feel about the children too - mother Nature did it well, kids are better with theis mums. You have to be strong for her.

[turquoisenights]

btw pirategirl,i am really sorry for what happened.
but he will be the same to her.
just move on, i am sure you will do it.
x

[turquoisenights]

i think the men's brain work in a different way, maybe a chip about responsibility for their dc is missing, or their brains stay somewhere else. there is something definitely different about them. (there maybe exceptions)
and the social structure is helping it-like automatically the most responsibility is going on mums' shoulders. it shouldn't be like that. it should be 50/50.

[pirategirl]

i couldnt agree more, about the one step ahead.

We are left with all the responsibility, its tiring to say the least.

its the total personality change that i find wearing, that he doesnt seem to remember how he used to adore his child.

I asked maybe it hurts, him, tis set up and he just blanks it?

his response today, 'no i dont think its that'

so in other words its all been a bit of a relif for him, not having to parent his child, or feel for her.

I could happily kill him.

[snowwonder]

me to...

i was wrong to say i havent moved on but of course he always seems one step ahead of me,, but of course he can he doesnt have children to look after every single day.. like i do , how easy it is for them to play happy families with my dd one afternoon a week, (and this afternoon is never at the weekend)

I have done lots in my house including digging my garden out for the trampoline that will arrive on sat...

I have been on holiday,

I have a had a lovely snog in a nightclub (tacky emotion!!) shame we didnt swap numbers as he was captain Lush....

I have held down a good job,

and i have managed to get up everyday and face the world...


i dont quite know what i am going to do on his wedding day, Aug bank hol weekend - saturday......i am dreading it