Ex wants constant contact (& us to sell house)

[isobellini]

Like every cliché in the book my husband found life with a child too hard and so a few weeks ago it seems went and picked up someone “uncomplicated” in a bar...

Long story short he agreed to have a baby with me 2 years ago, even though he wasn’t sure he wanted one as much as I did, but when I got pregnant right away changed his tune, claiming i had ruined our lives by getting pregnant (like i had done it on my own!). And he has been depressed and pretty selfish ever since. He does love our son but resents having a child, if that makes sense.

In recent weeks though this has really ramped up with him telling me how how he hated our life and how he had to leave for his “mental health”. And telling me I was a nagging bitch etc. And I was genuinely really worried he was having a breakdown, and was stupidly sympathetic and I promised to try etc. And then I found the texts from her “have you told your wife yet?” And he’d even sent photos of our 20 month old son to her, bragging about how lovely he is. Basically using our kid to help him pull. Urgh makes me want to throw up. Anyway we ended it last Tuesday.

But now he is saying he wants daily texts from me detailing how our 20 month old son slept, settled at nursery for the day, went down to sleep. As well as photos, videos, etc. He says he wants to see him two weekday evenings and one weekend day (and visitation has to happen at our house as he hasn’t found somewhere to be even semi-permanently yet). I feel like I’m trying to hold it all together for our child but my ex seems to want more contact than he had when he was living here! And the constant contact from him is absolutely slaying me emotionally too as I adjust to the realisation that the person I loved is a liar.

So my first question is - does he have the right to demand all this contact? If so any tips on how I manage it and don’t lose my marbles?

Secondly, he is saying he has nowhere to live and will need us to sell our house so he can buy somewhere that our son can visit him/stay with him.

But does he have the right to demand this? Nb. I don’t think it makes a difference but I paid the whole deposit on the house and have it in writing (email) he won’t come for that sum. But it has increased in value significantly since we bought it. So does he have a right to half the additional value of it?

Can’t effing believe he has turned my son’s and my lives upside down like this and is now making demands. ☹️ He’s a stupid and selfish person but not evil. And I do want our son to grow up knowing both parents. I just don’t know how I deal with daily contact while I hold things together, and while I’m contemplating moving out of the house that I effectively purchased for us.

Thanks in advance for advice. xx

[NorthernSpirit]

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad - the wisest words i’ve ever read on mums net.

[NameChanger22]

Put your child first by:

1. Keeping your house so your child has a secure place to live.
   
2. Sort out maintenance so your son has the things he needs.
   
3. Agree contact once your ex has somewhere safe your son can stay. If he sticks to it, then great. If he doesn't then you will have to come up with another plan which means your son isn't let down by his father. Get a third party to do this for you if your ex is being difficult.
   
4. Be as emotionally detached from your ex as possible. Do not allow him to upset you, emotionally blackmail or manipulate you or your son.

[Newsofas]

Great advice slightlymisplacedsingledad.

OP ultimately dads can aim for 50% access as they are the father. Lots don’t but lots do have this access. Personally I don’t think your child is too young to do overnights however it might be a little soon. You don’t have to have your ex in the house. I did because it enabled the children to see their dad in a safe environment and not MacDonalds. It soon changed once he got his own flat. Communication is important. It is useful in the long run if you can talk to your ex about your child as ultimately this relationship will be like this until the child is old enough to liaise between you both. My two are 15 and 11 and I still have to talk to their dad about plans, school etc.

Good luck it is hard work.