Child maintenance for uniforms/school trips?

[annabananna82]

Just curious

Should my child maintenance I get from my los father cover school trips and school uniform ?

I get £250 a month - he warns £35k a year so from what we've worked out it's a good amount to get?

He has her 1 night a week which suits us both so no problem there

She started school 2014 and he used to pay half for uniform and school trips but the last 6 months when I had to get new uniform and just paid for a recent school trip he's not offered

My friend said it should come from his maintenance and my other friend said it's extra?

I use £70 worth of after school club
Which I get help with as claim working tax credit but the short fall I pay, not him...he only has her when he is 'off' which is one night a week but he doesn't require club as I cover it for when I work

I pay for my los milk she also has through school

Thanks guys

[Lobsterquadrille2]

..... and I would be enormously grateful if he had ever so much as sent DD a birthday card. Pathetic but true.

[ForgotwhatIcameinherefor]

Oh my god Molly and my DD's dad spends 24/7 online so that's his inspiration right there.
Another one who's self-employed and doing his best to get back down to that magic £5 per week again with no extras whatsoever of course whilst turning up in a new car at least once a year.

[hardworkingdad2019]

Thank you for the kind comments. I do feel for you mums that the dad takes the mick and refuses to pay for their children!
I think you are right madmolly, I agree, not so much thankful. That maybe was the wrong way of putting it. I think she should act more like a decent human being and wouldn't be so nasty with condescending with her childish comments. It could be so much more amicable if she wasn't so bitchy and jealous all the time. It's the constant comments like "maybe having the kids as much as you do is too much for you!!?" Or "well if you don't want to have them and only have them when it suits you that's fine!!!"
Its childish and tiresome. We bend over backwards at short notice to take the kids back at different times, different families houses because she's not home when we are supposed to drop them back. Heaven forbid should we ask to change things around mostly with at least a months notice. Sorry getting off topic
Point is I do whatever I can for the children while holding down a job, house etc. Least I think I deserve is a tiny ounce of respect don't you?

[StrongerThanIThought76]

My ex has never, ever paid more than CSA/CMS minimum. I started out asking him for a contribution towards school stuff etc but after one or two heated abusive conversations stopped asking. I've sacrificed loads over the years so my kids can go on trips etc, they now appreciate why they need to look after their stuff.

Y10 field trip begging letters due imminently, may have to pawn a kidney....

[SonicBoomBoom]

Jeez brad

Greedy ex

Spending more of the maintenance money on herself

She cheated

Her new partner pays for her living costs

Takeaways all the time

Dad pays over CMS minimum.

She's a money grabber, nasty and jealous

Making the DC overweight

Sends them out with no shoes...

Can I call "HOUSE"?

[SonicBoomBoom]

Jeez brad

Greedy ex

Spending more of the maintenance money on herself

She cheated

Her new partner pays for her living costs

Takeaways all the time

Dad pays over CMS minimum.

She's a money grabber, nasty and jealous

Making the DC overweight

Sends them out with no shoes...

Can I call "HOUSE"?

[Sparklemummyx0x0x]

My ex pays a regular amount every month, has him 2-3 days/nights a week depending on work and social occasions.
He also pays some school stuff, activities. Transfers money across if I need it. It really depends on the cost. I bought all his new uniform he needed but he bought new shoes.
I know if I went to CSA I could get more as over the 7yrs he's earned more but I can't be bothered and it works for us at the moment.
I get some tax credits that cover breakfast club so don't have that to worry about.

Jbard- good for you. You sound lovely.

[Justgivemesomepeace]

My ex pays 320 a month and earns about 75k but I'm not sure. I can manage fine on that so I'm not really bothered. He doesn't buy her anything extra that I can think of, is supposed to see her eow but that's slipping as she's getting older. He does however go half on school trips which were £700 and £550. He doesn't give me extra for her extra curricular sport/kit she needs or uniforms.

[Justgivemesomepeace]

Oh he transfers £20 now and then for her. Think he's done that twice and given her £20 cash once. If anyone asks he can say he gives her spends.

[hardworkingdad2019]

Thanks sparklemummy & sonic boom boom. Sorry I didn’t see there’d been updates on here..didn’t get email.

I think we are getting used to it and know she won’t change. Any half decent non bitchy conversations will always be followed by the opposite in due course.
All the time I can provide the best for them I will. My wife does the same and loves them like her own. Very lucky in that respect.
The ex might be jealous or just unhappy but end of the days that’s not my problem.
Good on you sparklemummy. It’s good you have an understanding between you. Goodness if my ex thought I earned a penny more she’d be on my case seeing if she could get more! She’s often said she doesn’t think I pay or do enough. (Not that her opinion matters)
Oh well.

[stepmumoneontheway]

Jbrad2900 - I cannot believe some of the replies that you have had. I think you deserve to be commended, you are dealing up with alot. As someone else said, you are running two houses basically. I totally agree that uniforms etc should be covered within child maintenance otherwise the costs can go on and on. Also, alot of mothers get alot of benefits and I believe it involves better managing of their own money/expenses. I understand 5 children is alot that your ex has, but she has to consider that she is getting an extra £1800 a year than she is entitled to. That is more than enough to cover the costs of these "extra" things she wants money for outside of child maintenance. Without sounding awful, what if something happened to you, you lost your good job etc, she would have to manage then. It just gets ridiculous and pure greed becomes involved. Also, when your having your children extra, or taking your children away, are you supposed to reduce what you pay her across the month if you take them away for the week. It can just get ridiculous, especially when they have an attitude to go with it. I feel your pain

[greguior]

Sorry to open up an old thread however just need some advise. I have my kids 3 nights a week every week and have just started paying CM as when my ex wife and I first split up I had them 5 nights a week and we agreed we both had our owns costs so we would just split the big costs like uniform and trips etc. However now she has gone to CMS and I will be paying every month I don't feel I should have to pay towards the uniforms as I am on a fixed income and have my own costs for the children which has never been taken in to account like the 20/40 minute drive I have to get them to school. And the extra bits of uniform I will have to buy as spares. I love my kids and want them to have everything however as my ex has remarried and isn't short of money driving around in a brand new car and going on holidays abroad every year and I can't even afford to get my hair cut it does cause friction. Am I wrong should I be paying more?

[greguior]

Just to add I have spoken with CMS and they have said I would not be expected to pay for uniforms however there is no actual definition of what they money that is paid is for? Just towards the up keep of the children?

[Angrybird123]

The CMS amount does take into account the fact that you have them 3 days a week. It is not their or your ex's fault that you live a 20/40 min drive from their school. As a parent, one of the responsibilities is to order your life in such a way that you can manage with what you have. In my case I made a significant move to a cheaper area and made sure I had a very short commute to lessen my costs. I think as you have an almost equal split of time, 3/4 nights a week your CMS would be minimal. If you really are providing uniform, PE kit etc (and washing and ironing it) then I would say probably no you don't need to pay on top of that, but what about school shoes, trainers, football boots, school bags, trips, lunch money? I very much doubt that your CMS covers half of those costs and it should. Only you know the ins and outs so its up to you to be honest with yourself about if you really think you meet half of your childrens' expenses in that area. Given the nearly equal residential split I don't think the usual argument about you contributing to their heat / utilities / rent etc is relevant but for things specifically for them I think something above the minimum is reasonable on one off expenses.

It is also entirely irrelevant that she has remarried. Her new husband is not responsible for paying for your children.

[greguior]

Hi Angrybird123

I am unable to move to a cheaper area as I am already in the cheapest area I can be and I am unable to move closer to the children's school as this would be further away from my work. I have looked in to changing my job however there are minimal opportunities in proximity to the children's school for my type of work. I take on board your comments about it is not mine or my ex's fault however she chose to move there and then move the children there without any discussion? Just saying? I do provide clothes, shoes and the usual stuff. The kids have basically got 2 homes as they have there own possessions with me as the clothes and toys and even phones are not aloud to go from house to house (don't ask is a long story which I don't even understand). And if the last year is anything to go by I have to have my own uniforms, bags and shoes for them as well as pay CMS. I have no issue with her remarrying and do not expect him to provide for my children. Sorry I sound really bitter just don't want to be taken advantage of as when I have communicated to her that I will be paying for trips directly to the school I was made to feel like an outsider in my children's lives just there for her childcare needs again sorry for the bitterness.

[Angrybird123]

it sounds to me like you would be better off going back to 50/50 and then no maintenance would be payable. I do get the issue of not wanting to feel taken advantage of. The simplest way to avoid this is to pay the CMS and then if you really and honestly are providing everything else at your place, all the things I listed, then leave it at that. The issue I have with CMS is that it rarely does cover 50% of the kids' costs and the resident parent who has them 90% of the time has to make up a great deal of shortfall. If that is not true in your case then fine, pay the CMS and any extras like school trips, I think it IS a good idea to pay the school direct. You need to separate the finances from the emotional side.

[greguior]

Thanks for your comments they have been very useful. Still not sure what to do but has given another persons perspective and I appreciate that thanks again.

[Dad1972dad]

I am a separated father of two fantastic children! I’m currently paying maintainance of £250 a month and having my children 3 nights a week (every Wednesday and every Saturday and Sunday)
The mother to my children does not allow them to share the clothes they own between homes so I am having to purchase them clothes also which if I’m honest is a complete waste of money!
My son and daughter are going back to school in September and as such will require new uniform etc! Shoes will be purchase by grand parents leaving the rest to be sourced by myself and the children’s mother!
My concern is that the children’s mother seems happy to ask for additional money now and then for things I believe should be covered under the Maintainance so I’m wondering is someone with reason could clarify and satisfy my curiosity as to what the money I provide monthly should be spent on in relation to the amount of time I spend with my children! I feel that a massive injustice is taking place her especially as she earns roughly the same as me and only has them 1 night a week more!! Doesn’t figure!

[Angrybird123]

Who does all the mental load? Who oversees doctors, dentists, haircuts, party invites, who notices they need a new coat, replies to emails and letters from school, sorts world book day costumes, signs them up for an activity? Is all that split 50/50? You are close to 50/50 in terms of care and the maintenance should therefore be minimal with both of you then providing stuff for your houses and doing all of the above. If they are with you so much why is it pointless for them to have their own clothes at yours.. You can't really think they'll bring an overnight bag everytime?
It isn't actually stated anywhere precisely what CMS covers other than 'a contribution toward essentials'. It's up to the parents to agree what that does and doesn't include and there is no correct answer but I do think it somewhat depends on the actual amount being transferred and what sort of things you want your kids to have. Uniform is an expected and essential cost. Why don't you price up what they need and discuss with your ex about how she feels it should be split.. Sometimes it's easier to talk about it when it's not an abstract idea.

[Papa2015]

It is very funny to read hmthecreaction of both parts.

Some persons here seems to be moderate and understanding, but most people on this thread love to play the victim.
That's include women and men.

I have a very selfish ex. She complaim that she does all alone, but do everything to keep me away.

She tried to reduce the amounts of time I had with my daughter. (More money for her and her parents are there to look after our daughter, so she can still have a life).

I have been to mediation and finally to court.
I still have the same amounts of time with my daughter.

When that happened I was like most of the guys on this thread. Paying more than I should, always try to give the best, buy clothes, pay for her bday party,...

Then my ex started to think that I was here to please her and feel the gap when she needed me.
No consultations with me she decided to pass from 4 nights a week to 2 days a month and 8 nights a month.

I started to be destroyed. I really thought that we were working and co-parenting.

I nearly gave up.

Then I went to mediation, she still behaved like a selfish mother who think that she is victim of everything.

Then I went to court. I had to sell most of the things I have, I'm still in debt paying for it, but my ex just had to shut up and come down from her little princess/queen throne.

Since then, I have my daughter as before,
I call the school myself and keep updated myself about everything, I impose myself for everything involving my daughter.

My ex is still complaining that she is victim of everything but I don't care.
As long as my daughter is happy it's all I need.

I tried co parenting before, she took advantage of it. Those people just can't co-parenting as they are too selfish.

For all the guys struggling with those type of mother.

I think at one point you need to remember that you are not guilty if anything. You try your best for your children, you take on you all the insults, the fake allegation, being used as an object just because YOU actually think about the wellbeing of your children.

Your children need to see both parents happy and if you want them to not behave like victims later on in life, then you have to put your ex in front of precise facts!

You are the dad and you deserve respect. You have responsibilities towards your children and for that they have to let you do it.

Draw a line, use everything you can.

You want to be a dad then force it. Go to school, go to meet the teachers, get involved. I can see how my ex is angry that I'm actually involve in my child's life and it amuse me to be honest, because it shows how sad she is. She complain that she does everything on her own and keep me in the dark (except for paying) then she is angry that actually do be a big part of her life.

If I had to listen to her mother, when she had her very first day at school, I shouldn't had to be there because it wasn't during my time with my daughter.
She didn't want to communicate the date of her first day just to be sure that I would not show up.

So I rang the school, I asked to be on the list of information, I contacted each teachers and I showed up on her first day!

What ever the other parent says, if you do everything for your children, put them first in your life, then you shouldn't feel guilty of anything and most important, you children needs you!
Never have a bad words about the other parent in front of your kids, always keep it between you and your ex and most important, NOBODY is responsible of your happiness or a way to rebuild your life.

I have very very long day, I didn't find time to meet somebody else (my ex is very happy, she travels, have 2 days of each week) but I don't care because I do what I have to do, I find a way in a very thight schedule to socialize and look after myself.
Except for sleeping 🤣😂.

I know it's a long post but just don't forget one thing, whatever if you are the mother or the father, in the eyes of a child you are everything!! Litteraly!
Your job is to keep it that way the time they need it!

[Papa2015]

I'm sorry but, in some case the involvement of the other parent is reduced by the parent who complain about everything. My ex never asked if I could take my daughter to the doctor,... she always mentioned that she has been when she drops our daughter to my house at the end of the week.

When I ask her when the next dentist appointment should be, she just say that she has it covered and doesn't need my help.

As for having separated clothes and stuffs, yes there is a bag that come in and out every weekend or week.

Recently my daughter started to put her teddies in her bedroom one side for the ones that have to go back to her mum and the rest on the other side. I told her that her teddies are HER teddies, not mine or her mom and she can take her stuff everywhere she wants!

You don't buy things to your kid to belong in your house. You buy things to your kids for your kids!

Sometimes, I realise that her mother foesnt bring back the clothes (I do the same) because we forgot.

If I see that I miss something I ask her. Not for me, not because I have no pride, but because my daughter need some. Her mom reply "Just go to the shop and buy some!".
My daughter have 5 pairs of shoes that I bought this month. I end up with no shoes, except the pair of wallies.

I'm self employed, which means that my incomes are irregular. I should normally base the child maintenance on my tax return, but I give more and always the same amounts each month.

The problem with co parenting is that we see things as unfair from our perspective but we don't see that it as yo be fair for the children's perspective.

That involve forgiveness to everything we have against the other parent (I know that there are extreme case where it is not possible because of abuse), take on us, that involve more work, more energy and longer days.
At the end of the day, our children are not responsible for our wars.

If the other parent struggle financially, and they tell you, and they want to find a way to still contribute without pushing them to live on the street, then ask yourself what you children has to win yo see the other parent destroying their life.

If you can sit down and find a way to restrict the budget until the other parent is back on his feet then this is the best for your child. Is it hard to do?
Yes it is, but that's our job as a parent. The rest of it is bitterness and selfishness.

And if you do so and the other parent is actually taking the pi.. and lie to you, take advantage of the fact that you try to find a compromise to keep thing balance then look at your option to draw the line, because there are always a way.

I'm not British, I came here to be with my ex who is british.
We have been together for a while before I moved in the UK. We have been living together in others countries.

I sacrificed everything and have been treated like less than a dog. Our daughter was born and she tried everything to destroy me to the point that I would have given up and go back to my country because I couldn't afford to live here on my own.
I fought hard, my health took a lot!
But I stand up and disnt gave her any chance to destroy me, for my daughter!

First we were having a 50/50 agreement but because I didn't had any clue of how the benefit system for children was going I was paying for, clothes, child maintenance, nursery fees,...
My ex started all the paperwork to have child tax credit, child benefit,...
And because it is one per child, she had everything.

After 2 years I was going well with my work and was still really involved with my daughter. No family, no group of friends, I work on my own so no colleague!

I had to build up everything from nothing in a country that I don't know!

My ex have everything!

I could have been really bitter about it, I have been to be honest!
I thought that I was a failure and my daughter would never want to spend time with me as I have no family here, no friends,...

But our kids love us unconditionally!

I forgive to my ex, I actually wish her the best and to find a balance life because that's what my daughter deserve.

I know have friends, other children that my daughter van see and play regularly with.

My ex was saying that because I don't have a good English, and an accent, she could tell a judge that I can't teach her a proper english and put my daughter in a difficult situation. I started to feel ashamed of my accent and my foreign origin. I stood up again and decided that it is a strength and my daughter can learn to speak french with me. My daughter has a very good english, and is fluent in french at 5 years old. I took lessons with an opera singers specialised in accent to reduce my French accent on the maximum.

Anyway, I have plenty of reason to keep griefs against my ex, but I forgive her.

The funny thing is she has everything, and she is the bitter one. I struggle with debt, and I'm the happy one!

[cass82]

hi everyone
can anyone help?
does child maintance cover the cost of the kids school uniforms? xx

[Kittycat2019]

Can see boths sides but must say if my stbxh offered to pay extra towards uniform recent 400 for secondary transition (clearly not covered by CMS) or towards school trips would always say thank you. Is just good manners.

[Driftingblue]

Cms is supposed to reflect his parenting time which would Include his overnights covering the costs of the following school day or the prior day, but it’s 24 hours. So he should pay for the uniform, meals, school trips and child care costs during his 24 hour block.

[PumpkinKlNG]

Child maintenance is to cover everything. Legally he doesn’t have to pay anymore.