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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

AIBU to ex's request

39 replies

lexb14 · 22/04/2015 13:30

Am not sure whether I am being unreasonable or he is?
This is my first comment so apologies if I am.....

Bit of background ex husband normally picks up my/his daughter age 5.5 on a wednesday eve at 6pm for the night and then drops her to school in the morning....
He is almost always late, I have asked him to come earlier as she really needs to be in bed by 7pm on a school night.
I normally feed her as she is starving by 5.30pm.

I had an email from him today saying...."I should be with you by 6/6.15. I’d like to be able to have supper with Olivia so would appreciate it if she had not had eaten."

I have replied...."If she's hungry I'll feed her I'm afraid, I don't care that YOU'd like to have supper with her."

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

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DinosaursRoar · 25/04/2015 18:11

Madamtremain - true, lots of families have a routine where they eat dinner later, usually those are the DCs I see being picked up from school getting a substaintial 'snack' (like a sandwich) to keep them going. however, if they OP's DD doesn't have that routine every other day of the week, not getting to eat until closer to 7 (by the time her Dad has picked her up, got her to his house and cooked), she's going to be starving.

My DCs get fed between 5 - 5:30, but then we do eat as a family, and I know i'm unusual for having a DH who's work hours are shifted by a couple of hours compared to everyone elses so is home by 5 most nights.

Being in bed at 7 is a little early for a 5.5 year old, but not massively so, and if she's a child who needs a lot of sleep/ has to be up early to get to school/breakfast club on time, then not that odd. Eating at 6:30ish would still leave little time for bedtime routine....

OP - can you talk to your exH about this calmly, if he can be there for 6pm, so feeding her closer to 6:30, you might be able to push out her dinner by giving a big snack straight after school, but if he's not going to be able to do that, you'll stick to a routine that suits your DD.

BTW - picking up for 6pm or earlier is not unreasonable time for a working parent to be there for, most paid for childcare ends at 6pm, with pick ups between 5:30pm - 6pm. (Nurseries, after school clubs, childminders around here all expect pick up by 6pm, so before). He is entitled to put in a flexible working request to be there to pick up on time. If you went back to work, he'd have to pick up from the childcare on 'his' night and would need to be there before 6.

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madamtremain · 25/04/2015 18:29

It wasn't a smart routine to get the child in to though, was it? Given that dad is often late home.

A total preference for a routine that mum has put in place, which doesn't suit dad, over the importance of the child seeing her father is what comes across I'm afraid.

If it's parents were still together, and mum loved dad, I don't think it would be an issue so seeing as it's not the child's fault it's parents are separated I think it fair that effort is put in. It would be good if dad could make the necessary arrangements to be there before 6pm, but if he's not, mum has to step up.

Does mum work? Does she enjoy the maintenance that a job where you can't up and leave at 5pm brings with it?

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BlackeyedSusan · 25/04/2015 19:39

nearly all the children in reception and year one were in bed by 7-7.30 when dd was that age. also children eat at 12 in school and will be starving by 7 so a snack is in the best interests of the child. my six year old often falls asleep at six in the evening when he has had a busy day. it is not that unusual for children to be in bed at that time.

the after school childcare at the dc's school gives the children a substantial snack of jacket potatoes/beans on toast etc. help them last til pick up.

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TheMumsRush · 25/04/2015 20:14

From the other side here, even just doing the bed time routine and getting the child ready in the morning is far batter than no contact, it's the little things about parenting that is missed sometimes, I hope you work it out op and don't stop this bit of contact

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madamtremain · 25/04/2015 21:34

I agree, mumsrush. I think plenty of dads (even many who are still married to their child's mother and living with them) would be fairly pissed off to hear that an hour in the evening and one in the morning is pointless.
Dinner and bath with my dad are memories I still treasure today.

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madamtremain · 25/04/2015 21:36

In fact, as a working mother never home before 6.30pm my child's whole life, I take offence at that.

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captainproton · 25/04/2015 21:51

My DH doesn't even get home until gone 7. If he didn't get chance to read a bedtime story every so often, then he would only see his kids at weekends. I think it would be a real shame for your dd to miss out on some dad time. If you could both put some past issues aside and resolve it, it would be a positive thing in the long run. Your dd will see you both helping each other, she will always love you both and she will be happy.

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VoyageOfDad · 25/04/2015 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsHighwater · 25/04/2015 22:00

If she's starving by 5.30, give her a snack and she can have a bigger meal with her dad later. There's no need to be inflexible.

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3xcookedchips · 27/04/2015 18:13

Its in your daughters interest to spend time with her dad involving most activities including the mundane ones such as having tea after school.

Being in bed by 7.30 is not unreasonable either.

Our daughter isnt picked up by her mother until 6 most nights and before that she is in an after school club. At no time has there been any issues with our daughter being shattered because of this schedule.

I would think twice about stopping contact on this basis and running to the courts - I wonder if any of those suggesting this have actually experienced court themselves and been at the mercy of a random illogical system.

YABU.

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Starlightbright1 · 28/04/2015 13:11

I think people are missing the point...DC is settled down in home by that time..Used to having tea by that time and in reception are often to tired to even bother eating by that time.

No one is saying contact isn't important but no one knows how far away Dad lives. What time tea would be as if he lives 15 mins away even a quick tea is unlikely to be ready by 7pm which is the time DC is usually in bed.. Friday night would be different.

It is different been separated to mum or Dad coming in and bathing DC or reading Bedtime story where child is already settled in their own home.

what did you do op?

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HeadDoctor · 28/04/2015 16:50

By missing the point do you mean having a different opinion?

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CheeseandGherkins · 15/05/2015 11:49

So the op should have a totally different routine for her child just because it inconveniences the father? She should bow down to his every wish as he is the man and she should just obey? I've heard it all now...

How about HE goes with his child's routine? I'm sure the op knows when her child is hungry and tired. Why should she miss dinner or eat later just to suit him? Her needs should come first.

I would give her dinner at the usual time, if he wants (again, his wants) to have dinner with her then finish early or arrange it on a day when he has her for a reasonable hour. Totally unfair on the child.

Also, I see it as the father being inflexible, not the op.

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HeadDoctor · 15/05/2015 16:08

Father has a job which presumably goes towards supporting his child. Flexible working isn't easy to come by.