ST ExH today called himself "a glorified fucking babysitter"

[aliciaflorrick]

The reason why, because I asked him why he'd returned the DCs an hour early this morning, and this is the first time he's seen them since 10th March and before that he had them overnight one Saturday in January. So the third time he's had contact with them this year!

Yes, I did go out on Friday night and Saturday afternoon while I was child free, but really you'd think if he saw so little of his DCs he wouldn't be rushing them back an hour early on a Sunday morning.

DS1 also needs passport photos for school tomorrow, I asked him to get them taken, but he didn't, because it's his one day with them and apparently he didn't want to waste all day getting sitting in a photo booth and having photos taken. I did point out I would have done it myself but needed to have DS1 with me to have done so. So poor old DS1 is going to get in trouble tomorrow at school because his fuckwit Father couldn't perform one simple task.

I wonder how he sees me then when I'm the one looking after them 24/7? Childminder? Nanny?

I despair of this man - he's also told me today that I don't allow the DCs enough time on the computer/internet. They're allowed two hours on non school days (so they have six hours a week - but I don't put this up in the holidays) which I think is more than enough, but apparently they've been weeping (and that was the word he used) this weekend because their computer/x-box/ipad time is so limited. They are aged 10 and 8 by the way.

And bedtime is too early, they go to bed at 7.30, because they get up at 6.30, catch the school bus at 7.30 and then return home on a night at 5.15, do homework and then are knackered, but according to him 7.30 is too early they need to be staying up later so that they can play on their computer.

I'm ranting because only have the DCs here and can't vent at them, but FFS he's a complete tosser. I'm not even going to start on the I can only see the DCs one weekend every two months because I have no money to fly out on cheapo Ryanair, but by the way have you seen my lovely shiny Apple Mac laptop I bought this month, or my new 3D TV, smart DVD player, and also I'm am off to a couple of gigs this month, but I have no money. One day the DCs are going to realise exactly where they are in his priorities, it's so sad.

[zxcv123]

Alicia - Yes, it's a control thing. He'd like for you all to be permanently in the house awaiting his call. Whatever you do, don't get dragged into his dramas or feel that you need to make any changes so that you are at home when he calls.

Maybe once he realises you won't rise to his bait, he'll calm down a bit and start behaving like a grown-up? E.g. only a twunt would refuse to buy his children a toothbrush when you hadn't packed it, so I'm guessing this was done to try to provoke a reaction from you. If he succeeds in provoking a scene, that proves to himself that he is still in control of you & the children. If you disengage, eventually he will work out that you are your own person & not under his thumb.

[LouiseSmith]

Don't be in when he comes back early. Simple!!

And it will annoy him too :)

xx

[aliciaflorrick]

Tonight's little episode. Whenever he rings it's at the same time of day, but we don't know what day it's going to be because he won't commit to a day to call, so it's just when he feels like it or when he's not at home with OW. He's been ringing at the same time on and off for a few days, but we don't answer the phone, because we're not in. Anyone with an ounce of common sense would try ringing at a different time, but no he just leaves an abusive message on the answerphone about not picking up.

When I spoke to him on Sunday I told him we weren't in at this time and to try another time.

It's a control thing isn't it? Trying to get me to change my plans so that we're in the house when he calls, even though we don't know what day he's going to call on.

[zxcv123]

I have also had the "I'm just a glorified babysitter" comment hurled at me - and I think it stems from such men's hatred of the loss of control/power they are now experiencing. All your XH's comments about your DC's bedtimes, computer times etc all relate to him wanting to control what you do in your own house.

Don't give him the satisfaction of even worrying about it. What he thinks is irrelevant. Any time he makes comments like that, just smile and ignore. You need to parent in your own way, making rules that work for you. If your XH wants to parent in a different way when the DCs are with him, that's up to him, but he has no say over what goes on in your house.

PS One time when my XH said I only used him as a babysitter, I laughed in his face, saying that if he were a babysitter I'd have sacked him. Far too unreliable to be used again. That soon shut him up.

[SignoraStronza]

He sounds like a prize twunt OP.

My ex, after demanding to have dc the whole back holiday weekend for his monthly visit (because of wanting to spend more time with her), then tried to wriggle out of usual Sat morning pick up. He's far too busy and important at work, therefore might have been to tired after his international jetsetting to make it much before late afternoon evening.

I might have exhasperatedly muttered 'fuck off' by the end of the discussion, to which I received an email tirade of piousness about swearing in front of our daughter (who was outside with her friends, oblivious).

I reminded him my reasons for leaving him included being sworn at in three languages and regularly hit, spat on, kicked and abused - often while I was actually holding her.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Bugger sorry got my threads mixed up.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Does he get a reduction in maintainance because he has them more than 52 nights a year?

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Its hard to keep a straight face at all when he's concerned but I don't have to have anything to do with him now because if he does come to my door our son answers it and tells him to piss off.

[TWinklyLittleStar]

He wouldn't buy a fucking toothbrush?! What a prick. You can buy 2 value ones for about 20p in tesco! He's a total and utter dickhead.

[aliciaflorrick]

Hah Sock how did you keep a straight face?

My Ex DH never used to be a crappy dad, I never dreamed he would put himself and OW and her DCs before his own two. He begrudges every penny he pays them in maintenance, and this weekend I forgot to pack their wash bag and he refused to pop out and buy them a toothbrush so they could brush their teeth. So no tooth brushing from Friday night to Sunday morning when they got home from me. It would have cost him what, a couple of quid at the most?

He wouldn't buy them any sun cream, so rather than take them to the beach to play on Saturday, they stayed and played in the car park of the hotel he had booked, and then he brought them home an hour early on Sunday. He'll have gone home and told the OW what a great dad he was.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

You are so not alone in this sort of thing.

Crappy dads tend to refer to spending time with the kids as baby sitting well its not so much just crappy ones its also the ones who think its woman's work.

As to the timing my ex couldn't possibly commit to a actual pick up time ever because his work was just so damn important,this would be the same work that the csa believe only pays £65 a week for 70 hours. In court once he said to the judge that he couldn't arrange any timings in advance nor could he commit to more than once a month due to his work 5 mins later he asked for residency ( the judge only just stopped himself laughing).

[meglet]

He does sound like a twat, just try and rise above it.

When my XP saw the kids (he doesn't anymore) he would also moan about being a babysitter and said I wasn't allowed to do anything when he had them . All contact had to revolve around his pub visits.

[aliciaflorrick]

Thanks all, everything seems calmer after a good night's sleep. He did follow up his remarks yesterday with an email saying the reason he'd returned them early was because DS2 was upset at the thought of missing his computer time.

I did reply and say if he'd seen DS getting so distressed about not getting to play on the computer, did he not think the computer played too important a role in DS' life and therefore rather than let him have more time on it, the time needs to be reduced?

He said some other things, so I've told him to report me to social services and not to forget to mention when reporting that I don't allow the DCs to watch any films or play any games rated over a 12 category, and sometimes no matter how hard I try DS2 doesn't eat five fruit and veg a day.

Now I've calmed down I can just see how ridiculous he is. His comments do upset the DCs though and it always takes a few days for DC2 to get back to his normal sunny self, and not the rude angry boy he was yesterday.

[Startail]

Now I'm jealous, at that age DD2 would have still been up messing about at 8.30-9am and wide awake at 6.30 when she didn't need to be up until 7.30 at the earliest.

DD1 is like me, she neither likes going to bed or getting up.

[nohalfmeasures]

Thank goodness he only sees them occasionally if that's the influence he is having!

[PurpleThing]

Look at it this way, it's better they tell you all this stuff rather than holding it inside. I bet they feel abandoned by him and wish that he really did love them enough to want them living with him. (Yes it would be better if ex wasn't a twat but you can only control your own parenting.)

But the temptation to lecture them about what your life would be like if you really only did everything for your own benefit, must be massive!

[Fleecyslippers]

Wanker. Ex who hasn't had kids overnight for months after an assault on one of them, regularly tells them that they go to bed far too early. OW also tells Ex that there is no way DD 1 has started her periods already. Just smile and breath. Smile and breath.........

[aliciaflorrick]

Yes only bank holiday in England, we had ours on Wednesday last week. I'll send a note in to the teacher and get the photos done tomorrow night.

[3MonthMaid]

Ah.... Maybe it's only bank holiday in England.... Sorry

[3MonthMaid]

Just a thought, but isn't tomorrow a bank holiday? Can you get the photos done somewhere? Station, leisure centre etc?

Your ex sounds like an entitled twat. Ignore him I'd say.

[aliciaflorrick]

Sorry got that wrong, everything you do is for you and not for us.

[aliciaflorrick]

Thank you everyone you've lifted my spirits. Other things that have come out from the DCs since they've come home after spending one day with their dad. Dad says you're too strict with us, you don't treat us with respect, dad says we're welcome to live with him in England, everything you do is for us and not for you.

They've just had two weeks half term, where was dad then to look after them?

[PurpleThing]

Yes who is glorifying him? Has someone erected a statue to him and his wonderful parenting, posed clutching his laptop no doubt.

Always playing the victim is a characteristic of abuse. As is setting up a situation where he can blame you for something that you had no control over ie turning up at 3pm with no warning. As is undermining your parenting decisions. As is treating you with so little respect. I'm sure there are plenty more 'little' acts that demonstrate his belief that he is superior and more deserving of his time, money and freedom than you or your children are.

(BTW - My ds is a crap sleeper and I've read loads of sleep threads. The amount of sleep dcs need does seem to vary massively.)

[HerrenaHarridan]

You sound like a terrible mother!

I mean making them go to bed
Limiting their screen time

Have you considered the possibility that everyone would be better off if he was the resident parent and you saw the kids when you can make the time

Failing that report yourself to ss, what crack pot loony told you kids should have a bed time? Very cruel IMO

[AndMiffyWentToSleep]

'Glorified'? He doesn't sound at all glorious!