Disloyalty and no respect from DD

[NewPatchesForOld]

I've posted about my oldest dd before, but now a new situation has arisen and I'm a bit shell shocked.
She's 18.
She got a twitter account a few months back, and my son (who's 15) told me that his friends kept telling him she was posting horrible things about me on there. At the time he didn;t have twitter, but got it about a month ago. He told me she was posting things on there, so tonight I asked him to go back and check to see what it was his friends had been on about. Maybe I shouldn;t have looked, but at the end of the day if my own daughter is slating me in public I want to know about it.
Here is a selection of her posts...

"Seriously considering going to live with my dad, I effing hate it here"
"If I stayed out til this time mum would go mad but it's ok for her...she's just a dirty stop out" (first time I had been out in about 2 years and it was a one off wine bar/members club)
"Yes mother, a pencil skirt and heels IS too dressed up for the cinema (I'm not on twitter so why address it to me?)
"My family is so effed up it won't be long before it's on jeremy kyle"
"Does anyone want to let me sleep on their settee? I hate it here"
"Being used as an unpaid babysitter while my mother goes out enjoying herself"

ANd so on and so on...

Now, the tone of the posts was venomous. I bend over backwards for my kids - I pay for her driving lessons (I struggle on very little money), I rarely go out, I am always picking her up from college because she texts me to say she is cold and has missed the bus and the next one will be half an hour blah blah...
She thinks she is at the top of the pecking order in the house. I never get to choose what's on tv as she has the remote contol all the time, if she's off college sick she will lie on the settee all day watching tv with the heating on high (I'm struggling to pay the heating bills), she quite happily expects the money for her driving lessons every week and yet calls herself an unpaid babysitter (I go out no more than once a month now), and now that she's 18 goes out drinking and expects me to fund it (I don't), and then demands a lift when she's hungover the next morning from her friend's house.

Now, I KNOW I have brought a lot of this on myself, I have been too soft with her and now she rules the roost, but after reading the tweets I am so sad and hurt, and wonder what it is I have done so wrong to warrant being treated like that.

She called her brother a w*k stain on there, and her sister (who's only 8) a little b*ch, and a spoilt brat.

My head is spinning at the moment.

[Fifi2406]

She helped me by getting me a rail card I had to get to and from the station myself and anywhere else I went

[Fifi2406]

Also I'd just pull the plug on helping her out! The only thing my mum did for me in the end was helped me get to college as it was a half an hour train ride away! I soon got the hang of the washing machine when I had no clean knickers!

[Fifi2406]

I could have been your daughter! I was a vile teen! Basically I was angry about something (dad committed suicide when I was 14 and i was ridiculously bullied at school) has there been anything that could be making her unhappy outside the house? A traumatic experience? Boyfriends maybe? My mum let me get away with it because she felt guilty about everything but she should have just put her foot down! I grew out of it but I made it tough for my mum! Now we get on much better! I know from how I was she probably won't want to talk to you but I would seriously suggest she's going through something that she feels is the worst thing in the world!

[Uppermid]

Good for you. Stick to your guns, remember she will have the mother of all tantrums, but that's all it is, once she see you aren't going to back down she'll come round, just be prepared for it to take a while!

[cestlavielife]

if you havent had any counsellin before then it would be well worth while getting some via your gp. just a few sessions witha good therapist can be invaluable.

[ProcrastinatingPanda]

whowhat she's 18, not 15.

[WhoWhatWhereWhen]

In all honesty this is par for the course, many teenagers like to think they are hard done by and their parents are horrible to them and their lives are full of suffering, they love trying to gain credibility by advertising that "fact", try not to take it personally.

OP, you do have a life long commitment to your children but one of the biggest parts of that is ensuring they can stand on their own two feet.

[MadameCastafiore]

Oh and a tip from our family therapist at work, do not raise your voice. Talk calmly, do not engage in an argument, just say your piece, raise your hand when they start shouting and day calmly but firmly " that is non-negotiable" and then walk away.

I think the not paying for her driving lesson unless she manages to go to college everyday is a fab idea. I would actually tell her that unless she gets a job in the next 4 months they will stop altogether as she will not have the funds to buy a car or insure it. And as a byline add that you will not be paying for either due to her not being at all kind or grateful to you and maybe that now she will think before she behaves in such a disrespectful manner.

Hand up "it's non negotiable" and walk away.

[ledkr]

married re read my post. I was talking about a professional course I went on last week. I have suffered. 3 teenage boys in my life and have 2 dds to get through yet. I have not managed to use empathy no! I shouted and ranted and grounded and punished. I eventually told two of them to move out as they couldn't comply.
I was just pointing out this new research to the op and offering to go into more detail should she want to try it.
I will probably be back to shouting in a few years when dd1 "turns" just thought I would throw it out there.
After what went through with ds1 I would never patronise a parent of a teenager just to show empathy. As if

[marriedinwhite]

OP - remembering this late in the thread. Something I have told my teenage children often "whatever you do, I will always love you but I want to be able to like you as well".

Good luck. x

[DowagersHump]

My mum is a right softy but even she can be pushed so far. When my sister was behaving like your daughter, she sat waiting for her to come home in the living room, lights off. When my sister eventually rocked up (nearly 2 hours after her curfew) and turned the lights on, my mum was just sitting there. She told her very calmly that she'd pushed once too often and too far. From now on, there would be no X, Y and Z and if she didn't like it, she was old enough to live on her own. She had a week to make up her mind.

Then my mum got up and walked out of the room and went to bed.

My sister told me this years later incidentally.

I don't know if it was the element of surprise or the fact that it was completely different to how the majority of their conversations went but it most definitely had an effect.

Good luck with it OP - you sound like a lovely mum

[specialsubject]

so it appears that she IS the school bully, and you are another of her victims. Ouch.

I find it hard to sympathise enough with her to suggest anything positive - but I suppose bullies end up like that for a reason. I hope she can sort herself out and find that people will actually like her if she changes.

looks like you've raised two nice ones so hopefully you can turn this one round with some tough, tough love. Good luck.

[NotDavidTennant]

Newpatches: If you stand back and think about it, you are the one who has all the actual power in this situation. She is totally dependent on you for food, clean clothes, money, transport, and I'm sure much more. If she is ruling the roost it is only because you're letting her do so.

I agree with others that you need to take back control here, but I'd also suggest that once the dust has settled that you need to think about how you can try to develop a new relationship with your DD that is not based on the current "bully and victim" dynamic. In order to succesfully achieve this you need to start to understand why you have allowed this situation to develop in the first place, and that's where I think counselling might be helpful to you.

[FannyFifer]

Good woman.

[HollaAtMeBaby]

Hurrah! We are all here for you and sending feisty vibes :)

[stargirl1701]

I would write a letter to her explaining how hurt you are. My Dad did this when I was 17 and thinking about leaving school early (I was feeling very overwhelmed by the exams). It really made me pause and think. I realise it's not quite the same but the impact may be as great. My Dad posted the letter rather than hand it to me. I still have it today.

Make it clear she has the choice to leave. She is legally an adult and can make her own choices.

[MrsTomHardy]

Start as you mean to go on NewPatches.
Today is the start of the new you.

Good luck!

[NewPatchesForOld]

I wish I had your wisdom all of you. I haven't gone to pick her up, and I won't. I told her she knew the situation when she went. Tomorrow she has a physio appt about 20 min drive away. I an going to give her the money to go on the bus rather than using my whole day up driving her there and back...as she doesn't take the physios advice it's a waste of time anyway. I'm really angry with myself for allowing myself to be walked all over, and am determined it stops now.

[FurryDogMother]

Start training your DD to be an adult. She needs to learn to cook her own meals, and do her own washing, and make her own travel arrangements. Tell her she can have her driving lesson on every week that she's managed full attendance at college. Make her next birthday present a bike :) Explain to her that these are the life skills she'll need if she's ever going to live independently (which seems to be what she wants to do, from her tweets).

Brace yourself for the inevitable fallout - but also remember that this isn't mere posturing, this really IS preparing her for adult life, and she really will need those skills to survive. She may also, one day (don't hold your breath) thank you.

[PlaySchool]

You are allowing her to treat you like this.
This is what I would do about the tweets - I'd say, "It has been brought to my attention that you are tweeting slanderous things about me. If that is how you feel about me and that is what you are telling the world about me, then I will act accordingly. You will have no more money, lifts, driving lessons, food, etc., etc. When you behave in an appropriate, mature and grateful way, I might think about helping you with your life, but until then I am done with you."
Withdraw absolutely EVERYTHING from her and I guarantee, her behaviour will improve.

[MrsTomHardy]

Agree with DameFanny.

Def do not go and pick her up from her friends house. Let her use her £10. I tell my DS1 before he goes to his mates house whether I will pick him up or not, and I stick to it. He may text me 3 thousand times asking me to pick him up but I don't give in.

[DameFanny]

Change the wifi password and don't let her have it. Put a padlock on the boiler cupboard to stop her turning the heat up. Lock away your painkillers. Stop the driving lessons till she gets a job , tell her there's no point unless she saves up for a car herself (imagine the problems if you let her drive yours).

And start giving yourself the respect she won't

When she tells you you have a responsibility towards her tell her yes, you do. You have a responsibility to make her a functioning, likeable part of society, and that's what you're going to be helping her with now...

[NewPatchesForOld]

I have no doubt she blames me, and I think that's why I have let her get away with so much for so long...I feel like I have to constantly apologise to her for the past. But as adults we all have a choice about how we treat others, and whether we want to break the cycle or keep it going.

[marriedinwhite]

Doesn't seem as though her life has been very predictable and that she blames you for some of the unhappiness. That doesn't mean she can do what she likes, when she likes and nothing to help or take responsibility. She sounds like a bully.

[NewPatchesForOld]

Sorry, meant dd again.