How much do you tell your XH about your DCs?

[duffybeatmetoit]

Dh left earlier this year. He speaks to DD on the phone but rarely to me. He occasionally texts but just about contact arrangements. DD has just started school and is pretty tired when he rings her so she doesn't generally say much to him. He doesn't ask me any questions about how she is getting on or what she is doing. I have given him dates for parent's evenings and other events, he told me he would try to come to parent's evening when I gave him the date but didn't mention it again or ask what the teacher had said.

I tell him some things on contact visits just to stimulate conversation between him and DD, but he doesn't initiate anything. Should I be giving him a rundown of her activities or accept that he's not sufficiently interested to ask how she's doing?

[Wankarella]

If I am honest I wish my ex's g/friend would allow him to visit his children via a supervised visit but she doesn't so... I cannot force them, sadly, I would ideally love my children to have both parents but again sadly my life-choices were wrong!

[Peterpan101]

What many of us forget is that all long term relationships are mutually abusive to some extent. Women tend to be passive/aggressive....men....a little more aggressive/aggressive. Its who we are as humans.

Can you all also say that you didn't give as good as you got? Or is a woman shouting not abusive but "being a strong woman" (As I was always reminded).

Not keeping your EH up to date on gym, swimming, school, nursery, their latest trick, etc, cannot hurt (he can find out all that without you).....but it could well build bridges for later in life?

You will be the better person for it.

[OptimisticPessimist]

That's a pretty sad view of relationships you have Peter.

[Peterpan101]

So you and your partner don't argue now and again?....

[Wankarella]

I shall now sit on my hands, actually no I won't, I can honestly say I never felt the need to hit my x with a baseball bat, or run him over with a car, or keep him in, or kick him in the face for wearing the wrong after-shave or hit my children for speaking hence taking out an injuction and removing him from our lives.

Little bit of narrow minded ness there peterpan maybe you should take you head out from... the clouds and have an over-think on that last post.

I shall now hide this thread as I now have the joy of re-living this abuse every night when I go to sleep.

We do not all live in an 'idea world' sadly!

[Wankarella]

OR FINALLY GROW UP

[OptimisticPessimist]

I don't have a partner - I am single by choice. That aside, I don't think "arguing occasionally" is the same as "mutually abusive" and I think it's quite offensive to suggest that it is.

[madam1mim]

Peter, your comment about abusive relationships.I'm sorry but what a load of shit .

[Peterpan101]

Arguing is abuse....raising your voice is abuse....walking away and ignoring confrontation is abuse...walking out after 4 years is abuse.......all of these makes me an "abusive man". In my EW eyes and probably now yours!?

Can all of you tell me you have not done any of the above?

That's why she tries everything in her power to cut me out of my daughter's life. I have gone from main carer to once a week dad with DD too young to understand why she doesn't see daddy that much.

Who is the real abuser?

(I'll leave it there for the night I think)

[sausagesandwich34]

peter you've obviously been on the wrong end of a woman who doesn't want to facilitate a relationship or would stand up and argue, shout etc and yes you are right then both of your behaviours could be construed as abussive

however, please don't tar us all with the same brush

I never stood up
I never fought back
I was never allowed to walk away

and more fool me for putting up with it

[StaceymReadyForNumber3]

Me and my XH did not have a 'mutually abusive' relationship.

He once swore at our ds (1yo) and raised his hand to me(did not hit me, but thought about it as i confronted him for swearibg at ds)I told him he would never do it again. He cheated on me a few weeks later and left for OW.

I tried to keep him up to date when the dcs were small but it was hard as he wasn't bothered. So I gave up. He asked for more info last summer and I try and keep him in the loop but he's not always bothered which can become quite testing. Maybe I should try harder but tbh he phones the kids once a week for 5 mins each and they tell him the stuff that's important to them. I inform him of the mundane stuff.

[TheDogsRolex]

I dont really bother to tell my ex anything about ds anymore (in answer to op). He's never been the slightest bit interested. He hasn't attended one parents evening, didn't show any interest when I appealed to get ds into a better secondary school. When ds was bullied at primary school it was up to me to sort out. He came to ONE school play when ds left primary. As far as he's concerned "you had him live with you so you take care of it and you pay for it". It's been that way for 14 years. Oh sure, he'll take him at weekends and when there's an emergency he'll help out but anything other than that forget it! [shrug]

[Wankarella]

sorry I shall lose the abuse

Domestic Violence Peter!! Good idea, shut the door on your way out.....

[Wankarella]

this may help peter

[Wankarella]

I didn't fight back wither, I am 8.5 stone, he was 16 of muscle... more fool me for 15 years and bringing children into it, now they abuse me, sorry not abuse, throw trainers at my head and kick me, do I fight them NO, because I helped create their problem....

[millie30]

I've only recently started having direct handovers with my ExP and I only tell him things that may be relevant to his contact, such as DS feeling a bit under the weather etc. He doesn't ask about anything important and I think this is because of his own difficulties and limitations, he struggles to understand any aspects of DS' life that don't revolve around him. So he won't ask how DS is getting on at school but he wants to know when his school photos are available to show off "his boy."

50-50 would not have been possible in my case and nor would I have wanted it for DS. My closest friend has a court ordered 50-50 arrangement for her DD and it is a truly horrendous situation. There is so much animosity between them and no co-parenting at all and so the little girl lives in a warzone. They couldn't even agree on potty training techniques and so their 5 year old daughter still soils herself, and she is unhappy and withdrawn. The motivation of both the parents in this case seemed more about their right to equal time as the other parent, and they squabble over every extra hour and every little thing. This is my only real life experience of 50-50 and so I appreciate my view is coloured by this, but I seriously think someone needs to intervene for the sake of this poor child. What seems to stop this though is the worry that one of the parents will end up disenfranchised and feeling unequal, which is ironic that in a system that is supposed to put the needs of the child first the focus is on how the parents feel. The judge regularly tells them that they are ruining her childhood but doesn't step in.

[Wankarella]

Peter is a f f f f f fairy-tale and lives in fairy-tail land imo! Meh....

Sorry I am not really, I just dislike narrow-minded people! Open your mind up, the world looks a lot different....

I wish I was narrow-minded sometimes!

[CabbageLeaves]

Peter you were obviously accused of abuse yet feel boot is on the other foot so to speak. Your situation does not mean all 'abusive' relationships are just poor dynamics ...

I was strangled. If you think I deserved it because of passive abuse (because all women are passive abusers? ) then you need your idea of normal behaviour adjusting

I'm sure my relationship was dysfunctional and remaining in it was my responsibility (mistake) and indicates culpability on my behalf for a poor decision. It doesn't mean I am an abuser.

As regards access to DC -again your experience is just that..your experience. Don't assume all women are like that. Despite lack of maintenance, support, interest ....er anything I have gone out of my way to keep DD in contact because she wants that. I predict a time when she won't and tbh I will grieve with her. She wants a dad. He's just not filling that role despite all the help going.

I don't assume all men are like this though.

[RedHelenB]

Peter - you can find out all sorts of information about your children without talking to your ex. Schools will send you copies of everything, you can go to parents evenings etc & most of all TALK to your children & they will more than happily fill you in I'm sure.

[CabbageLeaves]

To be fair to my ex, he probably felt like you Peterpan...that I was abusive ...because I stood up to him...and left. How very dare I!

He only strangled me once. Wasn't his fault either. I drove him to it...I'm a strong woman you see < my fault...not his

Interestingly he followed me onto a forum I used, wrote his 'version' of events (omitting the angry behaviour and strangling because they were only one offs...not who he really was...) and I saw he really believed his version. I'm glad to say he has received psychiatric help since then. The police also became involved. At the time he still thought he was the victim!

Time has rolled on. He's still inadequate as a man but has recognised his behaviour was wrong. I think the inadequacy just meant he couldn't deal with what is a stressful situation for everyone. He just attacked me because that was what he was used to doing

[bunchamunchycrunchycarrots]

I don't really tell my ex much. He never asks. Never calls. DD calls him occasionally. She sees him infrequently. But, when they do see each other they talk. They talk for hours actually, and DD comes home with the weirdest ideas at times but she loves the time she spends with her dad. It would be more if he asked for it, but he's happy to dip in and out. He gets invited along to parents night, shows, any signigicant events, but I don't waste my time trying to get a hold of him to fill him in on the little insignificant stuff. He's free to phone and speak to DD himself to find out about that stuff, but he doesn't bother.

[Peterpan101]

I think my position has been slightly misunderstood.
I have not said that ?all women are passive aggressive? or that anyone brought on any physical violence themselves. I did say that within the domestic abuse spectrum women are more to the passive/aggressive abuse side, with the men exhibiting more on the aggressive/aggressive abuse side. Isn?t that what many of your experiences tell you? That men quite often some men resort to physical abuse when the arguing fails them??
As for what I was trying to communicate. Even in the face of some extreme and sometimes absurd Implacable Hostility I have kept focussed on what my DD would want and need from me. I realised quite early that fighting fire with fire will get me nowhere and that when the dust settles in X amount of years I want to be able to look my daughter in the eye and tell her (not from my point of view but everybody who knows us point of view) that I did what was right.
The first things out of my DD mouth when I pick her up is ?mummy says you did this....and mummy says that this is what she is going to do?. From advice from the domestic abuse specialist who is counselling me on this, I then have to discuss these alleged events with my DD so that they do not linger and cause damage. To down play them with her (even if they are complete lies).
I would not dream of presenting this behaviour in court (my solicitor has informed it would do little good anyhow) and try to reduce my EW standing as a parent. My ex is a very diligent, caring and capable mother....but things seem to change in her when I am brought into the mix.
I will quietly work to maintain my relationship with my DD for however long is needed and to whatever cost I incur. I will communicate in whatever way my ex feels comfortable with and will always go that extra mile in the hope one day we might just be able to be friendly again (I doubt being actual friends will ever happen?). I just wished that everybody had a similar view no matter what the resentment they held?

[Oldladypillow]

Interesting post PP. how have you accessed a Domestic Abuse Specialist? Are you a victim? Only read about Women's Aid on here. Is it private - as in do you have to pay?

[NotWankinginaWinterWonderland]

Yes Peter I totally believe you

Go read the link.........