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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

What would you say to your Ex?

45 replies

adamstorm · 20/08/2011 19:38

Hi everyone.

I would like to get everyones feedback on this.
There seem to be a lot of "deadbeat dads" out there, and even dads that are around are far from perfect. So I have a question for you, if you could tell your ex ONE THING about being a better dad, what would it be?

Come on mums, lets hear it. The wilder the better.

OP posts:

Poshbaggirl · 28/08/2011 04:24

Excuse the language, but i'd say just f*k the f*k right off now and you are not welcome in my house ever again. Been nice to him for 10 yrs despite it being him who had the affair when i was pg and he left me when DD2 was 10mths old.
For the sake of the children i've had an open door policy and he even stays for weekends now and brings his washing, but this morning?? OMG i've had it with him. Grrrrr so angry.

BertieBotts · 29/08/2011 12:19

If you stuck around and are involved in your DD's life then by definition you aren't a deadbeat. I fail to see how the thread is demonising a whole gender when the OP specified exactly what kind of dads she was referring to!

MrGin · 29/08/2011 14:33

There seem to be a lot of "deadbeat dads" out there, and even dads that are around are far from perfect.

ahem.... none of us are perfect. Obviously. But as a dad who is around as much as possible, and makes decent contributions towards dd's upkeep, I find the OP somewhat offensive given it paints all dad's as useless.

angrywoman · 29/08/2011 15:08

hmm yes, People are far from perfect aren't they? Or is it just me...!?

My one thing would be : Go to counselling to sort out your problems, instead of the offy for another bottle of wine.
He would NEVER have listened though.

slimbo · 29/08/2011 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrisonerZero · 29/08/2011 18:44

I would ask exH for some of his understanding and patience. I can't fault him as a father.

QueenofWhatever · 30/08/2011 10:11

I would say just leave us alone. You don't love DD and are just using her as a way to control and bully me. Let us have our lives back, I really don't give a fuck about what you do with yours.

Surprisingly cathartic!

dontwantanickname · 30/08/2011 23:13

I know its meant to be just one thing but I need more.here is just a few. Coincidentally OP i was thinking of writing down all the shitty things he has done to try and get them out of my system.

Don't confuse the DS's by insisting to them that you are a great dad and that you love and miss them so much....why not instead actually arrange to see your kids more than once every 3-4 months and phone them or text/email/write between your visits. This way there is not a huge and very obvious difference between what you say and what you do.

don't tell them to 'go find another daddy' when they get upset with you for your lack of visits/contact.

Dont consider calling yourself a parent seeing as you are never actually responsible for the boys and you have contributed just under £1000 in 12 years to their upkeep and you moved to australia for a year telling the boys you had to because I was taking all your money

Don't presume that your children think you are a crap parent because i have poisoned them against you. you have done that all by yourself and you are the only one who can change your relationship with them.

PinkCarBlueCar · 31/08/2011 15:53

Listen, you fucked up pathetic drain on the world's resources, there are good reasons why you don't see either of your daughters. And it's not because either I or your other daughter's father "stole them away from you", or whatever you try to tell people.

Instead of occasionally doing the "poor me" thing about what a fuck up you are, how about you actually seek some help and maybe, just maybe, you could become some kind of a mother to them?

But no. That wouldn't really fit with the world you have created, would it? And it would be an act of enlightened self-interest. I know you understand self-interest, but sadly I know you cannot understand making a long-term commitment to consistently do something positive for yourself to create a better future. Otherwise, you might still be having contact with our daughter.

And while we're about it, how about you chuck a few quid towards your daughter's upbringing? No, what you spend on her while your with her does not count. No, I did not want to go to the CSA. £20 over the last two years? I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to touch the money you got / get for your cash in hand work, but you did have a proper job for a while.

Finally - just fuck off. Your daughter doesn't need you half-arsed commitment, doesn't need you thinking she's stupid because she has a speech delay, and definitely doesn't need you treating her like she's an accessory you can enjoy as and when you want to. She's happier, more stable and progressing faster without you in her life than she ever did when you had contact.

PinkCarBlueCar · 31/08/2011 16:03

MrGin & WhiteAndNerdy - it's the lone parents part of MN. Most lone parents are female, and most are lone parents because the ex is an arse of some kind. Therefore, these threads appear from time to time which look like male bashing, but are really ex bashing. I think.

Catharsis is good

Ooops, didn't realise it was supposed to be just one thing . In that case, "get help for your issues or fuck off" probably covers it best.

gettingeasier · 31/08/2011 17:50

Dont expect your dc of 14 and 12 to embrace the ows family as their family, it may be your shiney new family but it isnt theirs. Wanker.

littlemisssarcastic · 31/08/2011 22:20

Don't ever expect me to believe you give a shiny shite about our daughter. You bleat on at your new girlfriend, as you have to every other girlfriend you have had since we split, that I am a neglectful parent, and I don't allow you to see DD when I have taken you to court twice to make contact as easy as possible for you. You chose the times and days on both occasions that you wanted and I just agreed, yet still you don't bother.
You abducted our DD because you were so spiteful concerned about her welfare, then when you were ordered to return her, you started your campaign of making various allegations to the police and SS about our daughter and put her through unnecessary examinations and processes, only to have every single allegation come back as unfounded, again and again wasting police time and SS time when they could have been dealing with a situation where a child was in danger you twat!!!!
If you honestly believe that DD is in the danger you claim she is in by being with me, why haven't you seen her in almost 6 months or even picked up the phone in 3 weeks.
You have not contributed towards her financially since the day she was born, yet you have stolen hundreds if not thousands from both DD, myself and my other child.
You have accused my eldest DC of despicable things, yet you don't even bother to check your poor neglected DD is okay.

DD remembers you, she misses you, but she is better off without you.

I hope you find yourself alone in a pit of despair with plenty of time to reminisce about the father-daughter relationship you could have had.

You are a worthless excuse of a human being, a demon, a thorn in my side and I despise you.

(Was going to text him that, but thought it better to share with people who would read it. Pinkcarbluecar Tis very cathartic indeed. )

blackeyedsusan · 01/09/2011 14:05

don't tell me that you can not watch for cars coming from behind you whilst playing with your 2y old son so that he nearly runs in front of a car, then say that you are capable of looking afterr 2 children on your own.

ShirleyKnot · 01/09/2011 14:07

"Dear X.

Grow. Up.

Thanks.

Shirley"

gettingeasier · 02/09/2011 18:16

Because actually when you go on to them about a "lovely family camping weekend" what they see is a weekend with their Dad and a load of people they would never have had any connection with but for his leaving. Now once a week and every other weekend they are expected to be pleased to see their new "family". Well self delusion was always your strong suit. Tosser.

MeMySonAndI · 03/09/2011 10:07

I have nothing else to say, no matter how good the intentions he always manage to twist the things around and cause a lot of trouble. I don't even feel the need to justify myself anymore.

He has gone mad, the only thing he deserves is silence...

NicknameTaken · 03/09/2011 13:53

Not anti-father, because I'm totally a daddy's girl myself.

But to my undear ex,

You can't intimidate someone into loving you. Shouting into our 3-year-old's face because you didn't like the way she talked to you on the phone? The lies to the police and social workers? Trying to stop her seeing any of my family, because you're jealous she doesn't see yours? You're toxic, and I'm terrified that you'l be a damaging presence in her life, and you're clinging on to her for dear life because you've fucked up everything else but guess what, you're fucking this up too. I hate what you are doing to DD. I have tried so hard to make the contact work. I've gone out of my way to help you, and you see it as weakness and give me nothing but abuse in return. I fantasize about pushing you in the river. You have brought nothing into this world but harm.

Your wife (yes, still your wife because you're messing me about with the divorce papers, two fucking years down the line)

notsorted · 03/09/2011 18:20

Oh no, need to do this twice and probably many more times.
So you think it hurts you to see your DS? What about him asking for his daddy, saying he is going to come back. What about him when anyone around him falls silent when he mentions your name? What about taking responsibility for you life instead of piling more of your problems on the next woman to fall for your poor little wounded boy act? Grow up and grow a pair. DS is three years old and you have fucked up his life since the moment I was pregnant. And no he is not someone you can see as and when you feel like it. Responsibility, commitment and self-control are what is needed, you utter bastard

FagAshLill · 04/09/2011 11:21

Just because DS is getting DLA now does NOT mean you can skip/reduce your maintainance payments. Although I am grateful for the money you are sending me and I know you have to get yourself a house to live in and furnish it and I am the mug that agreed to the reduced payment but FFS..did that really have to be the first fucking thing you say when I tell you your son is now officially disabled?

You fucking selfish prick.

GreenMonkies · 08/09/2011 17:12

Grow up. You have Bi-Polar, 14 sessions with a counsellor and 6 months on Prozac won't have "fixed" you. Get some proper help and stop making wild promises and lame excuses when you can't fullfil them. Getting engaged to someone you've had an online/long distance relationship with for 4 months is not a sign of commitment, or that you've changed, it's a sign that you've lost touch with reality and need to get a grip.

Oh. And put the children first.

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