Pregnant Expat want to go home, husband doesn't. Looking for solidarity

[AlwaysStripes]

Hello, this is my first post on here, I guess i’m looking for a kind community that I don’t have at the moment. I don’t know if anyone will bother to read it all but , if you do, thank you in advance!

A bit of background :
I’m a Brit, married to a Swede and we have 1 daughter who is 2 and a half. I moved to Sweden when my husband and I were dating and honestly felt ok being away from “home”. My parents were divorcing and so life was chaotic. Moving felt like a welcome break. We lived there together from march 2017- sep 2020. Then we said we would try the UK since my husband had never lived there, my grandma was also on end of life so we wanted to be there to care for her. Long story short, we lived in the uk Sep 2020-Feb 2023, my grandma passed and soon after I was pregnant and so we had our daughter there.

We moved back to Sweden because housing was so expensive, it was hard to find a larger place so our daughter could have a bedroom, and my husband was tied to Oxford (doubly expensive) with work. My husband didn't love life in England either (His only experience of the UK is during covid🙈) .We made the agreement that we would keep the option of moving back to the UK open as I possibly wanted to homeschool and that is illegal in Sweden.

Fastforward to now, we live in a large house (that is expensive to fix up) in a nice area and i’m 8 weeks pregnant with our second child.

We wanted our daughter to have a sibling and had wanted a 3 year gap so it felt like the right time.

Whats the issue then?

Over the last year, I haven't felt settled with the idea of being here, I guess i’ve been regretting it, and as my daughter has grown and began talking, i’ve decided I definitely DO want to homeschool. On top of that, I have no village, no support system. My husbands family are pretty selfish and have eyes only for him and my daughter. They are critical of my parenting and basically have been unsupportive of our marriage from the start as I am not Swedish. Added to this, my younger brother was paralysed last year and altho he can walk again now, he is disabled for life. I know I should have thought of all this before getting pregnant but I guess I thought that it was the right time for us (age gap wise) and that everything would fall into place as we have moved twice before, so whats once more?

Well, since I found out I was pregnant, I have felt even MORE sure that I want to be in England, with my support system. I spoke with my husband about it and said I don’t feel I can stay here long term, i’m unhappy and really want to move to the UK to raise the kids. Understanding that this means a smaller house, but it also means a support system and ability to raise them how we want to and being there for my brother.

He didn't take it well, and basically said we “just” moved so he won’t even think about moving. He eventually agreed to discuss it in the future. But honestly that’s not enough for me. The friends i’ve confided with in the UK have been so supportive and understood, however the 1 friend I thought was my only good friend here in Sweden told me it’s “just hormones” and i don’t really feel like that. She also text my husband and said the same, so he has in his head that I don’t really feel like that. I wonder if it’s that Swede’s just can’t imagine someone not being happy here 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Has anyone been in this situation? One of you wants to move home and the other doesn’t? I feel so trapped. I know if we were in the UK, I would feel happy about this pregnancy and our future and right now i’m trying to forget that i’m pregnant because I feel so hopeless about the future. (And even if he DID want to move, he would now need a VISA, so he would need to really want it )

Feeling pretty lonely and sad.

[Pupsandturtles]

I’m you’re feeling down, and sorry about your brother too.

lots of questions here, though. Do you work? Do you speak Swedish? Would your husband be able to move back to the U.K. with his work? 4 moves in 7 years (?) does seem like a lot to handle professionally.

have you tried creating a ‘village’ in Sweden? I know this isn’t the point, but if you don’t have a community, won’t homeschooling be even more isolating for you and your child?

[PurplePansy05]

What effort did you make to become part of a village and a wider community and enjoy life in Sweden?

You come across extremely presumptious about Swedes tbh, it's unfair of you.

You also come across immature and indecisive. Sorry, but I am with your husband on this one - you have only just moved last year. You have a DD and soon two DCs, you can't just keep moving every year because you've had a change of heart after making a decision that clearly lacked forward thinking on your part.

I think the issue is you two haven't discussed the future of your family and fundamental points, such as where to live, have children and educate them. Once you sort this out and come to an agreement, you can proceed in the most appropriate location.

I say this kindly, btw, I moved countries between UK and Europe several times before.

[TikiCoconut576]

Have the baby in Sweden. Almost everyone I know (myself included, they were negligent in my case and admitted it) has had shocking experience with the NHS.

I’m sorry you still don’t feel like home after a few years, I think you’ve had a good go at it already. But my advice is to wait till baby is born before you make any big decision

[BoohooWoohoo]

I have been an expat and didn’t feel settled after 12 months even though I eventually settled.

Are you living somewhere where you can meet people easily? I know that Swedes are going to have excellent foreign language skills but there might be a expat community group that you could join? Does your dd attend some sort of preschool where you can meet other families and potential friends ?

[MrTiddlesTheCat]

Finding your place in Sweden can be very hard. I spent the first 2 years crying and wanting to go home. Been here almost 20 years now and absolutely love it and so glad I stuck it out.

Things that I wished I'd known sooner, forgive me if I'm teaching you to suck eggs.

1. Learn the language. Are you doing SFI (free swedish classes for foreigners)? If not, apply via your kommun.
2. If/when you complete SFI don't go on to Komvux, apply to a Folkhögskola instead. Konvux is very much solo education whereas Folhögskolan is about learning through being part of a community.
3. Öppnaförskolor - drop in parent and child groups
4. Föreningsregister. Every kommun has one. Swedes get funding from the state for social clubs. As a result there are tons of them and this is how they socialise, through structured associations. Every kommun will have a full list of the ones in that kommun, but you can check out neighbouring ones too. There's all sorts, from crafting, sports, gaming, pets, debate groups etc. DH is in a dog walking group, a bat preservation group and an amateur radio one in the neighbouring kommun. I'm in a choir, a political party group, and an autism support group. Adult DD is in a role play group where they dress up as elves and hobbits and chase each other round the forest, because they're weird.
5. Kulturskolan. Every kommun has one. Check out what ages they start kulture classes for kids. Ours has dance groups for toddlers and some instrument classes from 3 or 4. You get to know other parents through shared performances but also out and about. DS has performed in the Library, at the Volvo factory, in a local hotel, at the care centre etc. All of which got me out and about getting to know the people and the community.

[zssta]

😕 I see the posts here asking you to give Sweden a chance but I can tell you've probably done it all and keep convincing yourself your husband is right. The question I would ask is... do you feel isolated and lack of support system because you take on more of the parent roles and responsibilities?? I often feel its the case hence your husband is looking at the stability and financial implications only when I'm sure all you want is an environment you can thrive in, feel seen, supported and familiar. What's your relationship with your husband when it comes to helping with chores and baby duty? Do you find yourself more alone or doing things with him but you feel you need more help /support?

[vicarc]

To be honest you're stuck anyway. I know that sounds a bit harsh but it's the reality of the Hague Convention. Your child is now habitually resident in Sweden. You can't move your child without an agreement from your husband. If you try and move without consent you could be forced to return the child and be in trouble for abduction. So if he's not willing to move I wouldn't push it to much right now because it's not what you want to be facing while pregnant.

Honestly stick it out. This is what it means to marry across nationalties. You have to sort all these feelings out before having children because then you are stuck. My parents were from different countries and spoke each others languages fluently and my Dad had lived in my mum's country for 36 years before moving us to the UK. I appreciate Sweden is a notriously hard nut to crack, I've had expat friends who felt the same, never settled. I have been to Sweden many times but there's no way I could cope with the isolation outside the capital. At the very least try and move somewhere more international within Sweden.

[LostNFoundSV]

Hej @AlwaysStripes
I’m with you and feel the same. Been here 10+ years, tried so hard to chat, befriend, go to community stuff etc but it feels a bit like I’ve been living in a beautiful isolation much of the time. (Sadly I’m allergic to mosquito bites and not good at walking on icy pathways! I do love the snow though :) Yes, accommodation is more affordable but home is where the heart is at the end of the day.
Closest I get to mates here is chatting with staff in shops!
I would love to have a Swedish pal or even acquaintance but find them an insular bunch on the whole - generally far friendlier when they’re away from Sweden, so they do know how to be friendly. DH’s son says they’re just shy!
Have also had a dreadful experience of the healthcare system. Can’t wait to get back to UK. Fight for what you want for you and the children. Keep a summer place there and visit often. Your DH has experienced life in uk so it’s not going to be a culture shock to him! Go for it - sending supportive hugs.

[SuspiciousLampshade]

I understand where you're coming from - I'm in Norway and it's very insular here too, probably didn't help that our first was born just before lockdown in 2020! We have family close by but they're so busy I wouldn't say I can rely on them for a support network, and 95% of my friends here are international - have found it very hard to make Norwegian friends (have been here almost 8 years now).

Some thoughts I had:
I agree with PP - so important to learn the language, you miss out on a lot culturally if you don't.
Try and go to baby groups etc, that's where my only Norwegian friends have come from!
Your DH may be reluctant to move because Scandinavians genuinely believe the UK is going to pot - my DH refuses point blank to move there because he hears all the drama about the NHS, cost of living, politics etc and thinks it's loads better here. unless you live in the gang neighbourhoods

Could it also be that your new house is also causing him to be reluctant to the idea? It's a big commitment to buy a house, and if it needs renovation you may lose money selling it.

Ultimately it has to be a joint decision and your DH has said no for now - so perhaps it's a better use of time to focus on the positives and proactively try to build a support network by putting yourself out there. If you're desperate to home school you can always move just over the border, it's allowed in Norway 😉

[Hermione101]

I’m an expat with kids living in the U.K. and really dislike the country, but I have made sure to do things I love and focus on that. I found it very difficult when my DC were born because I wanted to be closer to my family, it caused a lot of stress and strife between me and DH. They’re older now and most of our London life I enjoy. That being said, I’ve also put moving back home very much on the back burner to keep the peace at home.

You’re stuck though, due to The Hague Convention. As someone who has been through this, focus on your life there. Find work, focus on your kids, do the best you can in Sweden for them. I understand how very difficult it is with family far away (mine are a few flights totally about 18 hours).

Get dual passports for your kids so that they can always move to the U.K. when they are older.

Also, try to stay somewhat financially independent from your husband. If you ever want to move back to the U.K., down the road, you can do it on your own if you choose to.