I just want to go home......

[strugglinginsweden]

I just need a good old whine really. Advice/comments/sympathy/ welcome though.
I have been in Sweden for nearly 7 years now. I have never settled.
I have tried to love it, I have tried to like it, I have tried to even tolerate it but at the end of the day I don't like it. I don't want to be here, I want to go home ( emoji of baby throwing toys out of pram)
At the beginning I tried to completely immerse myself in all things Swedish. I have learned the language, learned the customs.
Then I tried to live a half/half existence (English/Swedish)
Now I just don't want to try any more, I'm tired, fed up, disappointed. I just want to be somewhere I can be me. Where I don't have to try every bloody day to pretend that I understand this place. Is is too hard living here. I'm not going to bash the Swedes as they are who they are. I just find it really hard living here.
If it was only me then I would leave tomorrow and never look back, but I have a dh who has a good job, doesn't get wound-up as much as I do, children who enjoy their school and have only ever know this place as home.
I know I will have to stay here until the children finish their education at least, but today I want to go home.

[SpookyPotato]

So happy for you OP! You have given it a good chunk of your life, it's not like you haven't tried. All I can say is well done for sticking with it so long! It sounds miserable.

[buntymcfun]

Ekk! I was just about to start a new post about moving to Stockholm as my partner is being interviewed for a position there. Is it really that bad? I'm a very sociable mom :/

[Bebespain]

Hello!

I missed this thread back in August. Just wanted to say how pleased I am for you strugglinginsweden that you are making firm plans to go home. I totally understand when you say a weight has been lifted.

Your original post, I could have written myself. 10 long years in Spain and I have reached the stage where I just don´t want to try anymore...it is so exhausting and I know if you give me another 10 years here and another 10...it will never be home and I will never be happy.

Your update gives me hope - good luck!

[vetslife]

Stugglininsweden - i cried when I read ur thread - Totally what I'm going thru - altho americans are probably abit more sociable they still have a hard veneer to crack. I also feel that I have buried a huge part of me and my son will grow up not knowing the real me, and it gets worse with age not better! Time to get a plan....

[lamii]

@Lorelei76
Haha! I miss that type of comments!
The clown is hiding in his flat looking through the eye door to make sure there is no neighbour in the corridor...

[Lorelei76]

You miss the unexpected? Has the clown craze not hit Sweden then?

[lamii]

What is really annoying is that people think that it all comes down to language. If you speak Swedish you will have a better life and great conversations. Not true!! people are still boring and they are not interested in meeting new friends. They prefer to hide at home.
Countryside or capital, doesn't make much difference

[lamii]

Hi strugglinginsweden,
Do you know that feeling of guilt when you live in Sweden and you know you can't spend your life there? Everyone thinks it's so wonderful here and pretty...
I feel like what I miss the most is "the unexpected" and I can't get over it. I feel extremely guilty to not accept that life isn't that fun. Life is about comfort and security...

[Lorelei76]

Wow, I started reading this and wanted to shout come home.....glad you are.

I had an ex whose previous relationship broke up because she was Swedish and wanted to live there. He tried three months then gave up. He could never explain why he hated it so much, but it was weird for me as he clearly had loved her a lot and that was the only reason it ended.

[CheerfulYank]

I'm so happy for you OP. Life's too short, it really is!

[strugglinginsweden]

I sympathise lamii. It has taken me a long time to finally throw in the towel. I tried really hard to make it work here but at the end of the day I just don't fit. I don't understand Swedes.
I found it incredibly lonely here with small children, I was a SAHM, a position that doesn't really exist here, so it was very lonely.
It is a hard place to live in my opinion, the things that bother you now don't go away or become any more tolerable. It just wears you down.
Good luck.

[lamii]

Hi there strugglinginsweden,
Good to hear that your situation is getting better! I have read your thread, unless I missed the info, where do you live in Sweden? I am in Stockholm, it's been 1.5 year and I wonder everyday if my fiance and I should stay or not. We met in London, so he is not a real complete asocial beast from Scandinavia ;)
I struggle a lot with Swedes, conversations fall flat and even expats are lazy and not so sociable to my point of view! Anyway, having no kids yet I am wondering whether we should move before it happens and I will be forced to stay as everyone knows 'longest maternity leave is in Sweden'. So people can stay at home with their kids and be even less sociable.
We are looking into moving to Berlin but I am scared of being tired of new language. We can't move back to London as brexit is certainly an uncertain problem for us being both non english...

[strugglinginsweden]

Just an update.
I went home for a while on my own and really thought things through. Dh and I have talked things through AGAIN and we are planning to move home.
We have agreed on a time frame and an action plan, for his job, finances, kids school and my sanity
Dh said he has know it was always inevitable that we leave at some point and he wasn't as content as he would like here either.
It feels like such a weight ha been lifted and we are on the same page now. Even though the move isn't immediate, it is going to happen.
We have decided to keep it between ourselves at he moment, iron out some of the creases before we tell the children. I know if we tell them in a positive untied way then they will be ok with things.
Thanks for all the input and support on this thread. It has really helped me make the right decision.

[emotionsecho]

I'm glad you've talked to your dh, your needs affect the whole family as you've said you're not giving the best of yourself because you're so unhappy. You wouldn't want your dh or children to feel like you do and just struggle on and I'm sure they don't want or expect that from you.

Make the big decision and plan as a family for a life somewhere where everyone is happy and content.

[Acopyofacopy]

Are you a SAHM or are you working? I struggled with living abroad until I got a job and some "purpose" in my life.

[CiderwithBuda]

That sounds positive.

What was his reaction? Does he get how unhappy you are? Is he open to th idea of looking for jobs in the uk?

Your DCs will adjust. Their main 'constant' is their family unit. You being unhappy will affect them.

I also think that the longer you stay the more you risk being there permanently if your children grow up there and potentially make their lives there.

[strugglinginsweden]

Talked to dh again about not wanting to be here. I am taking some time away in the UK by myself. Looking forward to the break and peace and quiet to really think about things. I know deep down if I say "OK that's it we are moving" then dh and the kids would be on board,albeit reluctantly.
I realise it is so hard for me to put my own needs above everyone else's, no matter how unhappy I am. I also know that I am not giving my kids their real mum. I am a much happier person than this deep down. Time to make so big decisions.

[HouseworkIsASin10]

Is there a chance your kids could grow up unsociable & reserved as it is the only culture they know?
I would start making plans to move back home, even a date way off would give you something to aim for.

[Mejse]

I can completely sympathise with you OP. I have been living in Denmark for 3 years now and I feel like no matter what I do I will never be happy or fit in here. I think Swedish and danish culture are very similar. I have a big problem with the passive aggressiveness too!
The difference for me is that my husband is danish, as is my stepson who lives with us and sees his mum every other week, so we have no option to move.
I don't know about you but sometimes it's really silly little things that bother me, like never being able to eat my favourite foods or the fact there are no baths here only showers. My Danish in laws can also be a big struggle.
I really hope you can find a solution so that every member of your family can feel happy.

[ApocalypseSlough]

^^ cant makes a very good point- if you look Swedish it's easy to get ignored and just seem like a clunky Swede! The moment I asked for help it got a lot easier

[ApocalypseSlough]

Where are you? Any chance of moving to Stockholm? Sweden's great if you're Swedish imo!

[cantshakeitoff]

Can we swap? I'm a swede living in the UK and am desperate to move back home, but can't as DC's father is British.

I sympathise with you though, I know us swedes can be an unfriendly bunch and not nearly as inviting, polite and friendly as Brits tend to be.

Swedes come across as rude to Brits, but we really don't mean to be. We are respecting other people's personal spaces and are careful to not force ourselves on to people. Once you get to know us, we can actually be quite nice.

My best advice to you is to keep being British, although we are reserved, we secretly love it when people approach is and invite us into their lives.

[TheWindInThePillows]

There is a phrase 'a mother is only as happy as her most unhappy child' and I think this applies to families 'a family is only as happy as it's least happy member'. I think now is the time for straight talking with your husband, to date you have said you will try/encourage him not to leave, so he can't really know how awful this is for you and how much you now want to plan to leave unless you tell him. I think children of that age can be moved (not always painlessly, but they will be happy elsewhere)- the big thing is your husband's feelings, possibility of job and so forth. Perhaps you could work as well when you moved? How long have the children got to go in education? If it is more than a year/two years, I would look to move, as you presumably don't want them going into HE there for years anyway.

[BikeRunSki]

Does your DH know OP?
How old are your DC? Are they still in primary school?
Could your DH find an equivalent job in the UK? (I'm assuming that the UK is "home")
Maybe it's time to start planning a exit strategy?
(2 out of 3 of my siblings live abroad and both are counting the days til their children finish high school to return to the UK, with or without their spouses)

My parents lived an expat lifestyle, and I'd been educated in 4 different countries by the time I was 10. DM was not happy. When I was 10 she put her foot down and we came back to the UK for secondary school
(Younger sister was only 7). I coped with chopping and changing primary schools, and actually found secondary easy because of the consistency.

[CiderwithBuda]

Even living in cities where I was happy with friends etc I still never really felt much of an emotional connection to the country. But I'm first to admit I definitely lived in an expat bubble.

And I would say regarding worrying you would make yourself happier at th expense of the rest of your family, that if you are happier it will affect them positively too.

Hiw old are your DCs?