Finances after dps death

[sparkellie]

I hope it's ok to post about this here.
Firstly I want to say I absolutely appreciate that I am in a very privileged position,and I don't underestimate that. I have struggled for money for what feels like forever, and I never thought it would be any different.
My partner passed away in September after a very short battle with kidney cancer. Today I received a payment of 3x his yearly salary from his employer as a death in service benefit. I should be relieved that it means I won't struggle for money for the next few years. I know I should. But I don't. I wanted to throw up when I saw the payment had gone in, even though I had been made aware it would do at some point. It feels like the biggest kick in the teeth. Like somehow that money will replace him, and I don't want it to. I don't want it, or to look at it. I know he can't come back. But I don't want money instead.
Can someone please tell me they understand?
I feel so bad for not feeling grateful for it, especially as without it I would be stuck on universal credit, as I have 2 DC, 1 with special needs, so my earning power as a single parent is very limited, and will be even more so when my DC leaves school.

I completely understand. DH is terminally ill & keeps telling me I'll be OK, I'll get this & that. I don't want those things, I want our future & old age that we planned.
The money will never replace him, but it will make life easier. Try & think of it as his gift to you to help with your future. He wouldn't want you to be struggling

I do understand but as someone who had the dead partner and got absolutely nothing I hope you can use it to make your and your children's life a little easier in time.

Thank you for your replies.
Honestly I'm scared to even spend the money. It's not going to last forever and I'm worried about doing anything with it that could prevent me from claiming benefits again when the money runs out.

I hope my post wasn't too insensitive, I know I'm lucky to have the money in the first place. It's just thrown up a whole heap of other things that I don't really have the headspace to deal with right now.

It feels like another reinforcement of the fact that they are gone. Another small fragment of hope that it is all a bad dream chipped away. Difficult to explain. Anger at a life full of hope, love, a future of being together is reduced to a number, a pile of metal coins and paper notes. It just doesn’t seem enough/right to reduce a persons life to that.
It reignites the grief.
Its also so much more that cannot be translates into words.

All I can offer is a hug.

Please get financial advice as even small investments can give you a monthly payment and this might be helpful than drawing down on the money. My DH inherited money quite young and the guilt we felt receiving it and then later when we realised with better advice we might have been able to make it last longer was just as difficult.

I'm sure your DP will have taken great comfort knowing that you you would be provided for. Please don’t beat yourself up for feeling the way you do.

I understand. My dad “won” a claim against an old employer because of an industrial disease that gave him a short but terminal illness. The money was shared between me and my siblings and step-parent.

Honestly it felt like blood money - like how does £x even come close to “compensating”…..

5 years on I’ve still got it sat in an account. We’ve added to it since so it’s growing but it doesn’t feel right to “enjoy it” and I’d give it back in a heartbeat if it meant I could see my lovely dad even one more time.

I know my dad would be very practical about it and say there’s no point getting emotional about it. So I try to keep that in mind. We recently sold our house so we’re off the property ladder. So I suspect we’ll add it to the proceeds of our sale and stick it in another property and focus on what dad would’ve recommended we do with it.

Op you’re very early days in. It was hard enough losing my dad, I can’t begin to imagine losing your husband. Can you ignore it for a bit?

I'm so very sorry for your loss @sparkellie

I'm going to be practical here, and I speak from experience, and no, I didn't feel guilty for a second.

Was there a pension with your husband's job? The payout is one thing, a pension for life is another; the former is cheaper to the employer than the latter.

Any other jobs he had in the past? Check these out.

This is early days, but don't sit on it.